Back Home
by SOASTORIES
Summary: Cara Winston left Charming 11 years ago to pursue her dream career of become a doctor, only to return back home to her family. The way she left didn't go the way she planned. Will she be able to fix what she had to sacrifice?
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE.

I never thought I would be driving back too charming, but here I am 11 years later driving down the same streets I learnt to drive on.

I left charming 11 years ago when I was 19 - with a purpose – to become a doctor. When the opportunity for me to attend med school in Chicago came to me there was no way I could not go, if only the timing was better and people where little more supportive. So I achieved my degree, got an internship at Chicago prestitrarian hospital, studied my residency there and I finally achieved my goal as a fully qualified paediatric and trauma surgeon and I love it.

However, most people who know me don't know about my connection to the sons of anarchy, the place I grew up and the people I grew up with. I haven't hidden it from anybody I guess I just focused on my career and the few friends I had in Chicago and nobody really asked. That was until things went south and I received at job offer here in charming at St Thomas. That's why im back.

So here I am about to pull in to my old family home with no family in it. Mom left when we were young, she came in and out, she didn't have the strength to be my dad's old lady any longer. My brother Opie was becoming more and more committed to the club since he starting prospecting at age 16 but we always stayed close, despite him doing time for the past 5 years. Then as I got older dad spent most days and nights either at the clubhouse or that rotting cabin and I assume that he's at either one right now, and neither I can bring myself to go to yet.

I still have the same key I've always had, I dig through my purse to find it and unlock the front door. As I open it I can tell straight away no one has been in a while, it still smells the same – of old cigarettes and leather. I walk through to the small kitchen to grab a glass of water, the drive has been long and my mouth feels dry even more due to the anxiety I am feeling back in this familiar place. I bring through my bags to my bedroom which hasn't changed. My dressing table is empty but all my photographs are still in their frames, mainly ones of me and Jax – we have a lot of them from all ages.

It hasn't really dawned on me until now that I'm going to have to face him one way or another, the way I left wasn't the best – for us. Opie has updated me on him through phone calls even when I didn't ask he just knew I wanted to know, some things I wish I didn't know. I know he did some short time in jail, became VP and was planning on getting married and that's the last I heard since Opie went away. I have kept in contact with Donna – she's the only one who knows about my new job position at St Thomas, I think it will be good for her to know I'm around now.

Its mid – afternoon and I'm not sure what to do first but this place definitely needs a clean so I head into town to grab some essentials. I still drive the black Cadillac my dad got me for my 17th birthday – its vintage I guess and sentimental. I arrive at the store and already I'm getting looks, of course the guy at the registry hasn't retried in the past 11 years and recognises me instantly.

"Cara Winston, as I live and breathe. Is that you?!" he said and I'm screaming on the inside for him to lower his voice

"Hey … how are you doin?" hesitantly I reply

"Well I'm getting on alright I suppose" as he scans through some of my items slowly, he continues to go on ... "So what brings you back too beautiful charming huh? Has Gemma called and ask you to take her place?" he says laughing and I'm lost for words already.

"hahaha yeah not really, well erm … I … I gotta get going, got a lot of people to see you know so. It was good seeing you. Take care!" and I scurry as quickly as I can out the door to my car and straight to Opie and Donna's place.

Driving to Opie's and Donna's I'm looking forward to seeing them. Hopefully they will make me realise why I came back because already I just want to hide in the operating theatre at St Thomas.

It takes me only 5 minutes to get there, I park my car in their drive and open their front door, Donna comes running towards me.

"Oh my gosh I can't believe you are actually here!" As she squeezes me as I do back.

"Me either actually, it's good to be back. You look well, where are the kids?" I ask as I close the door behind me.

"They are at school; they should be home soon. Come sit, you want a beer?" she asks

I almost forgot the last time I seen Kenny and Ellie they were tiny babies when they came to Chicago for the weekend, I suppose that's the reality of moving away. I feel glad Donna has offered me a beer. That's one part of me that hasn't changed – day drinking - and I needed it after today.

"Ugh I'd love one!" I say as I sit down at the kitchen table.

Donnas hands me the beer and she sits down opposite me and I take in my surroundings. There's pictures of the kids scattered all around, a lot different to the last time I was here when Harleys where they only pictures hanging on the walls.

"So, are you staying at the house?" Donna asks then takes a sip of her beer.

I nod and take a sip of my beer as well "Yeah, I mean it saves me searching for a place y'know? I'm gonna need to completely gut that place out and hire a gardener for sure"

Donna laughed and agreed "It's good to have you back Cara."

I smile but I can't help but still feel a little weak in the knees about seeing Opie and my dad, I visited Opie in jail a couple of times half way through his sentence and dad I've only seen twice in 11 years.

"So have you seen anyone yet? I know you haven't seen Opie cause he's out chipping wood at work but what about Piney? Jax even?" Donna asks as she walks over to the kitchen to fix a snack.

My weak and nervous knees come back as she mentions his name, Donna's expression looks worried and concerned as she looks at me.

"Erm, I haven't actually seen anyone, only you and the stupid guy in the store but I think I just wanna get settled first – see Opie and the kids."

Donna touches my arm as she sits back down with the snacks and says "Well you are welcome to stay the night; I know we all have a lot of catching up to do."

I smile and say "Thanks, but I'll see."

Hours went by and me and Donna have chatted none stop. Our conversation came to a hault when the front door opened and in came the kids followed by Piney - my dad.

Donna's face lit up "Hey kids! Did y'all have a good day?!"

Kenny and Ellie both look shy as they look my direction. I get up from my chair slowly and say. "Hey guys!" They both reply hesitantly with a hi as expected and Donna asks them to go wash up before dinner.

"They are shy souls" Donna says to me but I can't forget who's standing right in front of me wearing the same denim cut he has worn since I entered this world.

Just as I go to say hi I feel a tight embrace, he holds on.

"My little girl" he whispers in my ear and I instantly inhale the familiar smell of whiskey and smoke as he looks back at me. "I knew you'd come back, couldn't stay away from me that long could ya? Huh? Ha"

"Hi pops" I said and its then I realised how much I have missed him.

Opie joins us later on and it's as though we had just seen each other yesterday. This whole day feels like I have jumped into a time capsule.

It gets late I decide it's time to head back to the house and get some sleep. Opie walks me to my car and opens the driver's door for me as we stand next to it.

"Little overwhelming huh? All this shit" Opie says to me as he starts to light a cigarette.

"Yeah, almost makes me wanna take of puff of one of those" he ushers it towards me but I put my hand up laughing "Don't wanna start that habit again"

"Yeah you probably deal with the kind of people that die from this shit" he says laughing.

"I deal with all kinds" I say yawning.

"Alright well I'm working, or shall I say slaving all day tomorrow but I'll see you at some point I guess" Opie says as he stumps out his cigarette on the ground.

"You are taking care of your family Ope. I'm proud of you. Plus, Isn't that what out darling parents taught us to do?" I say sarcastically as we both burst out laughing.

"Yeah Mary the saint of all mothers and that ass through there you mean?" Opie replies.

I continue laughing and hop into my car "Alright, night sis" Opie says and closes my door.

"Good night!" I shout back as he closes his front door.

I turn on my engine and return home not knowing but knowing what tomorrow will bring.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

When I woke up this morning I felt like I hadn't slept, yet I felt energized. I check my phone and I jump straight in the shower. I still felt like I was in a time capsule – waking up in a bed I used to sleep in and even showering in the same shower. Once I got out the shower I got dressed into my denim skinny jeans, grey tee and suede black jacket with my brown heeled boots.

I decided it was weird looking in my mirror and seeing old pictures stuck around the edge so I pulled them of not taking a second glance at them and put them in the bottom drawer.

I pour myself some coffee and start replying to emails, mainly from the hospital about when my start date is. I can't wait to get back to work.

I find myself staring at the wall opposite me, just staring. If it was to see anyone today what would I say? I'm not the same person I was 11 years ago, obviously I have grown but I adapted to a different life. A life full of normal social events and friends where the highest of crimes they had ever committed was stealing a piece of candy from a store.

I walk through to the laundry room and start washing my bed sheets since I had no time to yesterday. I open up the washer and I feel nothing but nostalgia along with a pit in my stomach. I used this room a lot more than your average teenager, washing mainly my dad's clothes when my mom would disappear for days. What's crazy to think is that washing a handkerchief or shirt stained full of blood was normal for me back then – it was just like washing out a coffee stain to me. I didn't ask questions, I just accepted it and believed my dad was protecting me and Opie would too. Opie only being a couple of years older than me he has never treated me like I'm young and weak, he knew I could stand up for myself and he knew how I felt because I told him. That's why when I left for Chicago, he was the one who drove me to the airport because I knew he wanted me to get out and find myself and I did.

When I'm done with the laundry I grab my purse, lock the front door and start driving but I don't know where. Opie is at work, I don't want to bother Donna and god knows where my dad is. I keep driving through town – I pass charming's sheriff station, certainly a place I did not miss so I keep driving until I'm down the most familiar street right where the Teller-Morrow Automotive Repair shop is located – or as I know it the clubhouse.

I start driving slow and park close outside but don't turn in. I kept thinking if I turn in they will know my car, or will they remember? I mean, it's been a long time so I might just look like an average customer. The more and more I sit the deeper I am digging myself into a mental visualisation of a ditch.

I call my dad to see if he is there, he doesn't answer. Great.

I turn my gas back on and tell myself these people know you its ok, what's the worst that can happen?

As I turn in slowly I look to my right and there is a car with what looks like an animal stuck through the front window, ass in the air and what looks like a prospect patch. I continue ahead and find a space parked right next to Unser's tow truck – seeing that truck made me smile. I turn off the gas, grab my purse and get out the Cadillac and start walking towards the open garage door. It's as loud as I remember – the sound of bikes and yelling men. So far I don't recognise a face until someone peers around the corner.

"How can I help you ma'am?" he asks

I know instantly who it is and I feel at ease.

"Ma'am? … smooth" I say

He takes of his sunglasses after my response, squints his eyes a little, looks at me

"Hey Bobby, or is it Elvis now?" I ask, smiling from ear to ear.

"HOLY SHITT!" Bobby yells as he grabs me, shakes me and asks "Didn't think I'd be seeing you here!" he continues.

"What? you lost all hope and faith?" I reply

"My god, look at you! … most of the guys are here" oh no I thought, who? "HEY TIGGY! CHIBS! GET OUT HERE!" he yells, not a silent welcome as I expected, I couldn't help but keep looking around me cautious of who might come around next.

Tig and Chibs, followed by a few I don't know come out the garage bombarding me, asking what the hell and how the hell I am here.

"Oh my golly gosh its wee Cara! Wee Cara oh my god" as I'm forcefully pulled in for an towards him.

"Hey Chibs, how you doin?" I ask, clearly happy.

"Well, you have just made our day darlin! Missed ya, we've all missed ya!" ask he kissed my cheek. "Your old man know you are here? Opie?" he asks

"Yeah I seen them yesterday actually." I say until suddenly …

"You little princess, come ere" Tig exclaims

"Tig please not that, don't" I beg nicely, squirming.

"You're my princess, come on let's get ya a drink, huh? What d'ya say? Tell us all about what you've been up to" he says as he starts pulling me towards the club house door, I panic on the inside.

"Yeah, erm I can't stay long – just one" I say hesitantly.

We walk through, scared to scan the room with my eyes but already I can tell it's not changed. The same scratched and torn leather seats, the same wooden sticky floor and the famous samcro wall, full of familiar faces and full of new. I noticed Jax has a new picture up there too. The prospect behind the bar takes me out of my trance and hands me a beer.

"Hey, I'm Kip, but the guys call me half sack." He says as I shake his hand, I look at him and I'm completely unsure what to say. Half sack?

"Hi, I'm Cara" I reply nicely

"Oh yeah I know who you are, Cara Winston, seen loads of pictures of you through the back and places, cute gal."

"Yeah … thanks I guess "I ask myself where the hell do they find these guys?

Bobby pulls me aside and introduces me to Juice and Happy, both great guys. We get talking about when I got in town until I feel a presence behind me, a familiar strong feminine kind of one.

"Well, look who it is" She says and I turn around.

Gemma. Gemma Morrow, or as I still know her – Gemma Teller. She scares most people, not me. Although I know she wants to feel like she does.

"Hi Gemma" I stay emotionless and unsure.

She stands with her hand on her hip, as she always does, looking down at me.

Me and Gemma have a love hate relationship. The love comes from me being Piney's daughter and her not having a choice, then the hate comes from me breaking her sons heart when we were nineteen when I left a decade ago. Growing up Gemma was always more of a mother to me than Mary, I didn't need taught anything like anyone from the outside but she knew how to guide me and I knew how to not cross her although in her eyes I did.

Gemma hands me a shot of something from the bar and I ask her jokingly "You tryna poison me already?"

She sniggers, pops out her chest and replies. "Oh please, I'm not as sneaky as some"

I fake smile, down the shot and slam it down on the bar top. I feel like she's watching my every move.

"So, are you visiting or what?" Gemma begins interrogating.

"Got a job at St Thomas actually." I reply.

"As a surgeon? Oh yeah wait, how could I forget." Her sarcasm burning my soul.

"Yeah, so I'm sticking around for a while" I reply smug and proud.

"Does a certain somebody know that?" she asked, I look at her squinting my eyes.

"I need to pee." I say to her as I walk off in the direction of the bathroom.

I begin walking towards to hall way and I see John Teller's bike. His baby blue vintage Harley sat in wedge of the wall. It was placed there around about a year after he died, once the bike was fixed of course. I look at it and place my hand along the front and smile to myself and I think of how I remembered him, the life and soul of samcro, the father of Jax and Thomas and the best pal to my dad. John was a great father to Jax and Thomas growing up, I know he meant a lot to them. He meant a lot to me too.

I start walking down to the end of the hallway where the bathroom is and go in, hold my breath and come out as soon as I can. As I start walking back up the hallway I pass the back room and something in me told me to turn back, and I did. I put my hand on the handle and turn it slowly hoping that maybe its locked but it's not. The door opens and I walk in slowly, the room looks like time stood still. The bed was still placed in the middle – sheets all messed up, the same chair was in the corner of the room to the left of the bed full of clothes,the chest opposite cluttered with crap and a whole lot of samcro and Harley Davidson posters on the walls.

I say in my head two more minutes then I'll leave but I find myself walking over to the old chest. I look at myself in the mirror above – boy do I look like crap, I notice an old photograph stuck onto the bottom. It's a picture of me and Jax when he got his first Harley at 16 when he started prospecting for the club – he was certainly a royally treated prospect riding that thing, I remember how happy he was. I chuckle to myself, I barely recognise the girl I was in that photo – I was so young, naive and I was in love, completely smitten.

I back away from the chest and just as I'm about to turn the door handle it opens itself and I'm face to face with the boy in that photograph. The one who I've been dreading seeing the most.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE.

My heart is beating out of my chest, I can't breathe. I'm looking at him, he's looking at me. None of us speak. I can only think of what he is thinking just like I always used to, he's probably confused why I'm here.

I'm staring in his eyes; he's starting back at mine – his still as blue. His hair looks longer and he's grown a nice amount of stubble and he's wearing the same cut.

Finally, I hear his voice.

"Cara?" he asks, confused.

"Hey … Jax" I reply - I mean I think, I can't hear my voice but I think I spoke back.

He closes the door behind him but the whole time he's looking at me, I step back a little.

"What are you doin here? Are you ok?" he asks me

"I was just peeing. Shit. I mean I was just at the bathroom … over there" I say shakenly and sim stuttering bad. I'm pointing at the bathroom through the wall like he doesn't know where it is, god I'm such an idiot.

He's just nodding his head slowly at me. Why is he nodding?

"I didn't know you'd be here" he starts walking further into the room past me, I follow him with my eyes. "I mean, Ope told me this morning you were in town, didn't actually believe him until now."

"Yeah" is all I can say. I should stop saying 'yeah'

"You came here to find Ope? Piney?"

Then I realised I didn't actually know why I came here, I just did.

"No, I know Opie is working and dad is MIA, I just … yeah, I just came here I guess"

What am I saying?

"You just visiting or? Visiting Charming I mean, Opie didn't exactly say much" he asks whilst he puts his hands in jean pockets. I Look down, he still has the same knife he used to carry.

"I got a job … At St Thomas, they needed a new surgeon so" I started tapping my knees awkwardly

"You know, I figured when you eventually become a surgeon you'd end up in a place a million miles from here." He said smirking.

"Yeah well, dad needs help with the house anyway" I lied. Piney doesn't give a shit about that place.

He looked at me knowing I was talking bullshit.

"Plus I didn't hate Charming Jax. Just me in it at the time." I continued to tell him, this time not lying.

"Yeah" Jax says

"When I got the call about the job I figured it was a good opportunity, you know I'm getting into teaching students now." I told him, I have no idea where this conversation is going.

"Teaching huh?" he says biting his lip, leaning back on the chest and folding his arms.

oh god.

"Kind of" I say back

Why are we talking like this? We never talk like this.

"You look good you know, you've been takin care of yourself well" he said nervously, he's nervous and Jax Teller doesn't get nervous.

"Chicago is a great city; the people are nice too. How've you been?"

Just as he was about to reply there was a loud Knock at the door.

"JACKIE BOY! WE'RE AT THE TABLE, C'MON!" Chibs shouted

Jax shrug his shoulders, I nodded letting him know its ok, some things haven't changed. He gently tugged on my arm on his way out the door and he was smiling happily like a kid.

"You should stick around … It's good to have you back, … Doc."

And he was gone, and I was left standing still.

After the conversation me and Jax had earlier I went back to the house, I wanted to get away from the clubhouse whilst all the guys where at church, that way they couldn't see me leave.

I can't stop thinking about the conversation we had, I knew it would be awkward. We've grown up and I'm a lot different now. My name is still Cara Winston but in Chicago I was a different version of myself, no one knew me, I was a fresh person just with a secret past. I would be lying if I told you I didn't miss charming and the little things and of course Jax.

I called Jax when I left almost every day for at least the first year out there because the first year was the hardest. I even wrote him letters, he still never answered my calls or wrote back. I'm sure he was just angry and hurt. I kept telling myself he was trying to focus on his own thing which was the club – that's what worried me the most. I felt like my mother at times worrying about him the same way she used to worry about Opie and his involvement with the club, she hated how my dad influenced him. She hated how Gemma influenced me. You would think with all that I have achieved and the good choices I made she would care for me more but she never did and still doesn't. After all she really is just cut out to be a mother.

There's so many things I wish I had said and asked Jax back in that room. I should off have said I'm sorry but then that would have ended up being an argument and we have had our fair share of them in the past. Maybe I should have congratulated him on becoming vp and asked him how Clay was but then I don't really care how he is – me and Clay never had the best of relationships. He always acted like he loved me and I pretended back but I saw the way he spoke to my dad and I watched the way he grew in power as John Teller was barely laid to rest.

Tomorrow is my first official day at St Thomas and I'm looking forward to having a work routine again. I want the people of charming to know me as Dr Cara Winston and not a crow, but something tells me I'm going to have to learn to balance both.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

I was about six hours into my first shit at St Thomas and already I have performed open heart surgery and met so many talented doctors and hard-working nurses – some are still the same from before I left but I feel appreciated.

I was doing some post – op rounds when I was paged to the emergency room. A mother none for taken drugs has been brought in heavily pregnant showing signs of an overdose and the thing that worries me the most is the unborn child; we get to work to save both their lives.

Only a few hours flew by and we delivered the baby, a baby boy small and fragile. We operated on him as soon as possible since he was 10 weeks premature and still developing – poor thing. The mother we already have on detox, can't say I sympathise with her but I want to help her.

We don't get told personal details of a patient straight away when a patient is brought in critical condition. We try to focus on saving them and no dwelling on the details of who, what, when – not until after.

It wasn't until I sat down to fill in the dreaded paper work that I see the full name of the patient and her famous last name – Teller. Wendy Case Teller. Her records show a history of overdoses from meth, heroin and cocaine. I start connecting the dots. I remember the last update Opie gave me of Jax was that he was planning on getting married, guess he really went through with it but somehow it doesn't all add up, why isn't he here? Why is she in this state?

My thoughts are interrupted when my administrator Margaret Murphy comes through to collect my paperwork and notices my on edge mood.

"Hey, you ok?" she asks, I turn around in my chair "I was just coming to check up on the paper work, the family are here. I know you aren't assigned this case but I wondered if you wanted to talk to them and explain a few things since you where the attending surgeon for the patient, or patients shall I say."

"Yes, erm, actually I was wondering if I could actually handle the case?" I ask. I'm not quite sure why I'm asking her anyway but I do.

"Of course! Don't see why not" she suggests.

"Thanks, can you please tell the family I'll be right out?" I ask, trying to gather myself together.

"Sure." She says as she starts to walk towards the door, but something stops her and she turns to me to say "Look, Cara, some of the nurses where talking and … well, they said you knew the patient or you have some sort of history with the family. I'm fairly new here so I'm just going by what I heard but they mention something about a samcro?"

Oh great. Here we go. I come up with something quick.

"I don't know her actually, don't worry, please. Just leave me to handle this" I tell her.

"Right, yes. Of course" she smiles and I hand her the paper work "I'll get these filed" she says.

I nod at her reassuringly and she walks out the door, I follow her and I head in the opposite to her to break the news. I see Jax, Clay, Gemma even Opie and all the guys in the hallway. I walk towards them and Jax rushes towards me first.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, he actually look concerned and hurt.

"When was the last time you saw her?" I ask, seriously.

"Couple of weeks." Jesus, I thought they were married.

"Her hands and feet were full of tracks. Toxicology reports aren't back yet, but it's most likely crank."

"The baby?" He asks

"We had to do an emergency C-section, He's 10 weeks premature." I look over at Gemma, she's running her hands through her hair, she's pissed.

"Holy shit." Jax says. I want to hold him and tell him its ok.

"Come on, let's sit down, and I'll walk you through it" I tell him, gently grabbing his arm, first time I've touched him.

"Just tell me." He stresses

Here goes the bad part.

"He's got a congenital heart defect and gastroschisis- a tear in his abdomen. The gastro and the early birth are from the drugs, but the C.H.D. Is probably …"

Gemma steps forward and says "The family flaw."

"Yes, it's genetic." I say to her, I look down take a breath and continue.

"Either one would be serious, but not life-threatening. However, the two of them together- gives him a 20% chance and I'm afraid that's being optimistic."

"Oh, my God." Gemma silently says, and clay is rubbing his face with his hands.

"She never wanted to talk to me. I didn't know." Jax assures me

"Its ok, Look, Jax her O.B. said she missed her last three appointments, no one but her knew. wants to fix his belly first. Then if he stabilizes, he'll go in and try to repair the heart…" I look at him – he looks broken but furious and unprepared to deal with this all at the same time

"I'm sorry, Jax. I can take you to see him now." I start to walk towards his room, he follows me but stops me

"Cara." I missed the way he said my name.

"You don't have to do this, I'm sure you got other patients." He goes on to say

"I asked if I could assist, I want to help your son. I didn't know you actually had one on the way." I tell him

"His name is Abel." His worried voice tells me

"It's a good name." I assure him and I smile at him, he smiles back but the reality of what happened sinks in and he leaves but with purpose.

"Jax?" I call, I dread to think what he plans to do.

"Jackson?" I hear Gemma call after me.

"Go with Cara." He tells her

Opie and Bobby, Tig and Chibs follow him but Opie looks back at me giving me a reassuring look. Next thing I know I'm standing in the hospital hallway with Gemma and Clay. She's standing there looking at me the same way she did just yesterday in the club house – a look full of manipulation and jealousy. I look at Clay unsure of what to say. He pulls me in for a hug almost instantly.

"It's good to have you back Cara, wish we were reunitin under better circumstances. You must be making your old man proud." He said, I shivered.

"Yeah actually this is my first day in this hospital, I've only been back in town a couple of days." I say, wanting this conversation to end quick.

"Gemma said. Hey, come by the clubhouse whenever ya want. Ya know your welcome there, your family" Clay replied, I'm not sure Gemma would agree.

There's a difference between being wanted and wanting.

"Thanks. I gotta get back to rounds, check on Wendy." I say backing away around the corner so I can finally catch a breath.

He nodded at me, gave me a wave and wrapped his arm around Gemma as they took a seat in the waiting room.

I arrived at Wendy's room shortly after what happened in the hall way, she's finally conscious. I check all her vitals and ask her if she needs anything. Straight away she knows my face.

"Is this some kind of joke?" she asks all croaky. I look up from my file look at her and think what the hell have I got myself into.

"Excuse me?" I reply.

"Cara Winston, the only girl who Jax Teller ever loved … and Charming's little princess. This is … great."

"Actually it's Dr Winston." I tell her with a cough professionally and calmly.

I'm not surprised she remembers me, although I wish she didn't. She used to attend a lot of club parties at the clubhouse as a croweater. I can't say I remember her much, most of what I remember is her shooting me the evil eyes down the pool table at me and Jax. She married him, doesn't need to fight me on that now.

I look at the clock on the wall, the timing couldn't be better. Abel's belly surgery is scheduled soon.

"Hey look, I gotta go fix your son up for surgery. He is the one you should be asking me questions about and not about my ex-boyfriend."

I slam down my file and she looks at me, plain expression, emotionless and cold.

"Press that button by your left if you need to see a nurse." I told her.

She reply's with "Thanks Doc" as I leave.

It's the end of my first shift, I don't even have the right words to describe how my day has been. Abel's surgery went really well, but it was only stage one. I hoped Jax would come by so I could tell him the good news. I called Gemma - she was pleased however I made up some excuse to leave the phone before she could throw in some abuse.

I begin walking out the theatre absolutely exhausted and dying to get home. I pull off my cap and as I look right up and there he is.

"How did it go?" he asks; I grin at him from ear to ear.

"Great, Perfect actually. He's ready for heart surgery tomorrow." He grabbed me tight, hugged me and he just held me. I felt his leather cut on my face the way I used to, I inhaled his scent and as we pulled away our faces were close but the rusty familiar smell pulled me away further. I pulled down his zip and I see blood, I look at my scrubs and I see blood. I look up into his eyes thinking to myself what has he done? The oh so familiar feeling.

"Jax, clean yourself up." Disappointment heard in my voice.

He looks hurt and he walks past me, I watch him walk away and I'm drained. I aim for the locker room change my clothes and wash my hands. I drive home numb from exhaustion and jump straight into bed. I fall asleep instantly but I'm thinking of Jax, I'm worrying for Jax the first time in a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

It was only day two at St Thomas but it was heart surgery day for Abel, I was confident but I was always told from my mentor as an intern "Nothing can be without hope and confidence".

I visit Abel in the children's unit. He's so small. As a doctor I see a lot of tiny babies and tiny hearts unsure of whether they will live a healthy life. I hope Abel does, not only for his sake but for Jax, he's a tough guy on the outside but soft and sensitive on the inside. He loves strong but he hurts deep.

Standing at the desk signing off a few prescriptions for patients I hear heels, coming down the hall followed by sniggering. Its Gemma but this time she's brought her porn star queen Luann. No doubt Gemma has told her of my return and no doubt I will receive a fake loving welcome from Luann. Unlike Jax who's different on the outside and in – she's fake on both sides.

"Cara!" Luann yells over to me. I've been hearing my name since I came back her way too often.

"Hi, how are you?" if she's gonna play fake so am I.

"Good, good, we just came to check on how our little man is doin" she says in between chewing some pink looking gum and she's holding some ugly teddy bear she probably grabbed from one of her sets.

"He's going to be having surgery soon, I'll keep you both updated" I force a smile and walk on. Don't these women see I have work to do.

Gemma chases after me.

"Hey! Cara!" she yells

I spin around and raise my eyebrow at her.

"Are you sure its ok to do the heart surgery today? Is it good not to wait?" she asks worried and intrigued.

"It's the best choice, yes" I'm hoping she understands and leaves me alone but then I decide to ask her "Can we talk?"

"What is it?"

"Wendy, she's in a real bad way, she's still detoxing, can't stop crying. She wouldn't even ask how Abel was when I last seen her."

"And?" she asks, oh god typical

"I was hoping could you maybe talk to her? Just let her know she's not alone."

"Trust me, Cara nothing I'm gonna say to that crank whore is gonna make her feel loved." Nice.

"Huh, you know I forgot just how forthright you can be."

"You forgot a lot of thinks sweetheart, like who you should be loyal to."

Loyalty, really.

"If you have a problem with me taking care of Abel's case why don't you just say so?"

"You a good doctor?" Gemma questioned me.

"Yes, I am." Confidently I told her.

"Well, then I don't have a problem."

"You know, people change Gemma. I'm not the same girl I was 11 years ago."

"I am"

No kidding. Her immaturity certainly hasn't changed. I start walking away tired of this but she grabs the bottom of my scrub top which stops me in my tracks.

"I guess there's some things you can't change," she says getting all up in my face. This woman infuriates me.

"You know; I leave it there so I remember all that shit is behind me!"

"I forgot just how clever you could be" she tells me just as I've finally had enough I keep on walking, this time she doesn't follow.

I got my crow tattoo when I was 16 and me and Jax had started becoming more serious. I remember praying every moment we had together that he would officially ask me to be my old lady – he never did, he just assumed I always was and so one day we got drunk somewhere and got the tattoo. I do remember loving it and feeling proud. I think Gemma felt more proud because I wasn't afraid to show my love for Jax and in her eyes that's how I should do it - 'Love the man, you learn to love the club' is what she always told me. I belonged to him. Deep down I really did want that tattoo. I remember seeing my parents love each other when I was young and I saw my mom's tattoo she had on her arm and I seen Gemma's to John on her chest.

When my mom seen my tattoo she kicked me out. Technically her plan failed since she was not living with us anymore anyway but she was over for dinner one night and she seen it when I bent over and all hell broke loose – and of course Piney didn't know how to back her up, he never really did.

I finally got out of a long surgery with Abel. His heart was finally fixed and I was pleased and relieved. I just hoped this time when I told Jax the good news he's in the right way.

I decided to drive to his place, I know it because I saw the address down as Wendy's for her insurance. I knock on the door no one answers. I try the clubhouse barely anyone is there so I just assume he's out doing god knows what. I keep driving down town until I get to one of charming's storage unit with a bike parked nearby. I haven't seen what kind of bike Jax now rides but it could be him so I park up next to it and walk down the side of some of the units until I see one that looks open. When I turn in and I'm staring down at a thin barrel of a shot gun right between my eyes.

"Shit! Sorry!" I hear Jax yell.

"No its ok really, I shouldn't have crept up on you like that." I say standing there hands up in defence.

He runs his hand through the front of his hair and puts down the gun.

"I was just checking it out, the gun." He clams his hands together "Haven't been in this place in god knows how long, I'm finding all sorts" He says as he starts looking around.

"I've actually been trying to find you" I say and he looks surprised. "We went in to repair Abel's heart this morning." He interrupts me

"Shit yeah, ma sent me here to get some shit. I didn't forget I just" he says as he looks down and it's my turn to interrupt him.

"He pulled through, got a strong beating heart Jax." I'm proud to say.

"Yeah?" he pipes up.

"Yeah." I reassure him and i lean against the steal door and continue to say "Tellers don't die easy."

"They just die bloody." He says, he winks at me and I feel 16 again.

It goes silent so I change the topic of conversation. "So, have you found anything in here actually worth keeping." As I sit down on a plastic box or something.

"err well we got some baby shit, I guess that will do." He starts folding the high chair he just grabbed from the back.

I nod "That's great, I bet Donna and Ope have got some stuffed stored from the kids that you can use. It's gonna be a while anyway until he is ok to come home, he's gonna be going through a lot of tests mainly just for precaution." The doctor in me weeping its way through.

"Yeah, Thomas was at hell with it all the medication he had to take. Hated it the more he got older" he says as he takes a seat opposite me and he lit a cigarette. I smiled at the thought of Thomas, he had the family flaw – that's why Gemma is worried the most I think.

"You um, figured that out? Where home is for Abel?" I'm probably intruding and asking too many questions already.

"You probably have a lot of questions huh?" I do. But he's smirking, he's always giving me that smirk. "Honestly I don't know where my head is at, Wendy wasn't due for another two months. We don't have the most normal relationship, certainly not the kind you bring a kid into."

"Wait you guys are married, aren't you still with her?" I don't know why I was asking, the answer was already clear to me.

"Nah, I filed a little over a year ago, that shit was going south from the start. She got clean about 10 months back, we tried to re concile. Didn't work out too well."

"Well, one thing good came out of it I guess." I tell him.

"I guess it did." He said

We start gazing at it each other, both of us unsure what to say next until Jax mentions something else.

"I found some other shit actually, there's, like, pictures and journals and things I never knew about my dad in here." He looks up at me and back down at the box. On it was scribbled with 'John misc'

"What kind of things?" I asked intrigued.

"It seemed like his original idea for the M.C was something simpler, you know like a social rebellion. He called it a 'Harley commune.' Not outlaw, some real hippe shit If you ask me."

I laughed "He had a lot of bright ideas back them him and my dad." I told him and I lean over and pick up an old photo of my dad and John "We weren't even born" I say and I look up at him and back down to the photo. "They were just kids... Motorcyclist enthusiasts, that's what you are right?" I ask him sarcastically.

"Yeah right!"

I was enjoying our conversation until we were interrupted by my pager ringing from the hospital.

"Shit, sorry I gotta go back to St Thomas." I apologised and we both stood up.

"Everything ok?" he asked as we started to walk out the unit.

"Yeah, don't worry it's not Abel."

He's nodding and I feel like I need to say something.

"Look Jax, I don't know how this works … this" I wave and flap my hands in between where we are standing.

"This? We were just having a normal conversation Cara, hanging out."

Hanging out?

"Look it's not like I can chat about my, or our samcro past to anyone else around here. I know you have changed, your something else doc. But me? I'm still the same guy wearing the same cut, doing the same old shit. Just this time you haven't been here to call me out on all the bad shit I do." He was right, kinda. My heart sank for him.

"You're not the same guy Jax. You may be wearing the same cut and living in the same town but you're a responsible man now. I've seen the way you worry about your son like the other night at the hospital."

"Yeah and you called me out like you used to." He said, thinking back to the blood on his chest, the transfer on my scrubs and the mystery behind it.

I give him a shut up kind of smile and laughed, thank god.

"I mean you could ask my mom if its ok for us to hang out but ya know I'm just not sure."

I tip my head back laughing, playfully slap him on his chest and start walking back to my car but I turn around still walking and shout. "I'll leave that to you shall I?!"

He's standing there by his bike with this biggest grin and his hands in his jean pockets. I prefer leaving him like that to the way I left him 11 years ago.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

It's been around a week since me and Jax talked in the storage unit and its just another day of rounds and running around like a headless chicken for me here at St Thomas. Luckily my shift just ended and I was on my way to my administrator's office before I see Gemma walking down the hallway and I need to stop to her to get something off my chest.

"Gemma!" I call. She turns on her heel.

"Hey, Abel seems better, Stronger." She says, getting off to a good start.

"Yeah, he is a lucky kid. Both he and his mom escaped death on the same day." That morning of Abel's heart surgery Wendy somehow Injected herself into her favourite vein and overdosed, I wasn't confused as to how to happened like the other doctor because I know this town better than them. I know the people."

"Yeah, I heard about Wendy, very sad huh? I can't say I'm surprised."

"Guess you wouldn't be" I turn to face the elevator door, so does she.

"Something on your mind?" she asks

"No, something weighing on yours? Junkie tell you something?" I ask

"No, she's still sedated, but I talked to her after that baby was born. She was crushed.

She hated herself, but she wanted to live."

"I think somebody else popped her with that needle. Or, at the very least, gave her the loaded gun." I said, she turned to me and I didn't turn back.

"Guess you think I'm that somebody? Guess I was the one shooting it into her fingers and toes the whole goddamn time she was pregnant too?"

"No. That sin's on her and if I were a cop, I'd call that motive."

"Well, thank God you're only a doctor."

"We'll see what Wendy says when she comes out of detox. Or maybe I'll bounce my theory off of Jax. See where he lands on it." I know that it's aggravating her mentioning Jax.

"That's how you're gonna win back his heart? Accusing his mother of trying to murder his ex-wife? Come on. You are smarter than that surely"

"I am not trying to win back anybody."

"No? - Then why did you come back too Charming?"

"Because of the job." I tell her the truth

"Which one? Doctor or detective?" she thinks she's smart, she's stupid. This woman seems to think she can still dictate me.

"You still think you can just say or do anything you want in this town, don't you? Everything comes around, Gemma. No one is untouchable."

"You want to touch me, sweetheart?" she says really close to my face, I will not cave in but she won't give up, she adds "That make you happy?"

"You're an idiot" I turn to her one last time and tell her

Right then the elevator door opened and it couldn't have been perfect timing before I did something very unprofessional and old lady like.

I've been in the office for nearly an hour now just signing and signing papers. There's a knock at the door I shout "COME IN!" with no time to open it myself.

"Hey, it's me" I hear loud and clear. My body goes in to shock, I'm and frozen and can't move. My spine is sending shivers up and down and throughout my whole body.

Why is he here, I can't believe he would follow me here? This is my home; this is my work. My fresh old start.

I turn around not wanting to but I do because I want answers.

"What are you doing here?" I try not to look scared and afraid.

"I'm here on business, thought I would stop by see you in your new job." he holds up his ATF badge and smiles like he cares.

Its Kohn my crazy, abusive and stalker ex - boyfriend. We began dating during my internship in Chicago, he was the first person I built up a relationship with over there. I fell for him straight away, he didn't know me therefore he got to know a whole new version of myself and I loved the power he had as a man who worked hard. I should have known him being an ATF agent he would find out about my family and where I was from soon but he didn't mention it until a few years into the relationship. I ended it one day soon after he mentioned it because truth be told I was bored, not worried. I tried to make it work for us but he got possessive and I fell pregnant. I had an abortion in secret and left him, he found out and since then began stalking me.

I kept thinking maybe I should move back too charming where I know I will be protected but I didn't want to seem weak I didn't want to slip back into my old life too easily. So when the job offer came from St Thomas I seen it as a sign to come home and get away. Somehow he is here, somehow I hoped he wouldn't follow me but he did.

''I gotta get going.

Ok well it was go to see you Cara, I'll be seeing you around.

He opens the door for me, I fake smile and leave as fast as I can.

I can't sleep, I feel overwhelmed on uneasy. I take a drive to the cabin to see if my dad is there. I haven't forgot how to get there so it doesn't take me long. I dim my head lights because if he's there I don't want to frighten him. I get out, walk up the wooden steps and tap on the old door. It takes him about five minutes to answer but when he does he does it with a shot gun in his hand.

"Hey pops."

"Hey sweet thing, what the hell you doin here at this time?"

"Couldn't sleep" I say as I walk in and hes closes the door and follows me through to the front room.

"Well how bout you fancy a drink with your ol man?"

I look at the multiple concoctions of whiskey he has on the table and decided I'm gonna take a pass.

"I don't wanna have you lose the how much can you handle competition dad."

That made him laugh. I take a seat next to him on the couch and out my feet up on the table.

"Haven't seen much of you since you got back, you been busy?" he says and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah I've been kinda saving lifes."

"No shit, me too!" He replies, he really does make me laugh. I look down at his pint glass of something bad.

"Dad, you gotta stop drinking that shit in those kinda measures."

"Life's too short Cara bit like the glasses that are designed for this bourbon"

"So I was in one of the storage units the other week and I seen a lot of pictures of you when you were young and handsome."

"What storage unit?"

"Well, it was Gemma's. I went to find Jax and he was there looking through stuff for his son, Abel."

I wonder what he's gonna ask next.

"How's that going for ya?"

"What?" I start yawning, tiredness must be creeping up on me. Guess I just needed someone to talk too.

"You seeing Jax. Must be little strange don't ya think?"

"It's fine pops."

"He's a good man Jackson, reminds me a lot of John. He makes good decisions like john used to. I miss that bastard." 

"Yeah I know you do. I do too."

"I hope things start changing"

I had no idea what he was talking about. I go to grab his glass before it slips out of his hands and put it down.

"Don't you know when you've had enough?" I ask him, he looks at me as though I just asked a stupid question. "I'm gonna go pops, I'll come see you next time I can."

I pat his shoulder, kiss him on the cheek and stand up - he stays seated.

"How bout I come visit you when you're at work"

"Yeah?" I say walking towards the front door.

"I am proud of the woman you have become sweetheart. You make me a proud man."

"Thanks pops, I love you. Drink some water before bed please." I point my finger at him and wave goodbye

I hear him groan as I close the door behind me. I missed my old man.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

So far this day is not going to plan, my car is having problems, its nearly 16 years old so it's to be expected. I rely on this car to get me from A to B. Good job I know a repair shop nearby. Before I leave I remind myself to pick up something I was thinking about since yesterday. I go into the hall storage and pull out a box full of towels and dig until I find what I'm looking for. My gun. I put it in my purse and head out the door.

It's a busy day at TM when I drive through, I see Jax talking to Unser by his car. When I get out he comes straight up to me. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, I was hoping you could help with this" I say pointing to the old Cadillac. "It's in pretty bad shape."

Jax looks at the side and to side "Shit, your dad got you this right?"

"Yeah, I didn't bring it with me to Chicago. Right before I was going to get a rental I seen it in the garage under a ton of old newspapers."

"Why don't you bring it through back – have Lowell have a look at it?"

"Okay thanks, actually I was hoping you could give me a lift home?"

"Actually I'm heading out for a couple of days"

I pull my sunglasses from down the top of head onto my eyes "Okay well if anyone comes up with the baby who should I call?"

"He's out of the woods right?"

"yeah yeah. Just in case of procedural stuff you know"

"Just let my mom know if you need anything" as he tilts his head towards the direction she was in. She spotted us and came right over – great.

"Everthing okay?" She asks

"Yeah, we're fine" I say, emphasising the 'we're'.

"She's just here to get her car fixed. Actually, could you give Tara a ride home? She's gotta leave the Cadillac here."

No Jax no.

"No, it's okay." I say honestly. I'd rather walk. "I'll just take a cab or see if my dad's around to take me back."

"I'd love to give the good Doctor a lift!"

I don't want to start an argument so I just go and put my bag in her front seat whilst I go to sign some paper work for Lowell. I over hear what Jax is saying to Gemma, I heard him say Uncle Jury and Nevada, I think back to the conversation I had with dad last night where he said Jax makes good decisions. I hope this is one of them.

"Thanks Lowell, take care yeah?"

He smiled at me sweetly.

When I turn around Gemma is waiting in the driver's seat. I sit down and she asks me if I mind her smoking really I don't care but I tell her I do. She lights one anyway and starts driving.

"Must be strange being in that house alone, everybody gone."

"It's actually hard to get lonely, my dad was a bit of a pack rat. I can barely turn around without stepping on some piece of history."

"Yeah, Clay's the same way, never throws anything out. Still has underwear from ? I hate clutter."

"I get that."

"Thanks."

"Wanna tell me why you're carrying? The gun in your bag."

"You went through my bag?" I'm annoyed that I can't even leave my bag down for two seconds without her searching through it like a sniffer dog.

"I spotted it, I'm very observant." She says, she means observant but I think over protective and paranoid.

"I started carrying it when I was in Chicago, I lived in a rough neighbourhood, just haven't gotten around to getting rid of it yet." Lying

"A Beretta's not an old tampon, you don't just forget it's in your bag."

"Is it registered?" she questions me

"I have a permit, It's legal." I bluntly answer her annoying questions

"You know how to use it?" she questions me. Again.

"Are you kidding? I learnt how to shoot a gun before I learnt how to ride a bicycle."

"Right" she's says. We get to my house, I thank her and go inside.

Just before I get ready to start my night shift at work and call a cab I get a knock at the door. Why does everyone turn up at stupid times in this town?

"Cars ready." Gemma. "Figured you'd need it for work."

"Oh Yeah. I was just gonna call a cab actually. You drove it here?"

"Yeah, I'm thinkin', uh, me and you got off to a bad start, it's my way of saying sorry." Am I hearing this right?

"That's nice of you, Thanks I guess."

"I should probably trust you more. You're not just someone from the street, I get that. You got samcro in your blood."

What is she trying to get at here.

She starts looking around at the place "Wow, you weren't kidding about the clutter."

"Uh, workin' through a room at a time."

"Oh, wow, Piney was real handsome" she picks up an old photo in a frame.

"Yeah. Why are you here, Gemma?"

"Your car." No shit

"Yeah, the Good Samaritan bit's not really playing. What do you want?" Time for me to question her.

"You left Charming because it was incestuous backward and small-minded, that's pretty much an exact quote."

She's not wrong

"I don't forget." I remember the look on Jax's face that day – distraught.

"You leave Chicago to come back to this shit-filled house and a mediocre gig at a community hospital?"

"I needed to tie up all this shit, plus Donna needs my help" Even though I haven't been to see her in a while because of work.

"People don't upend their lives to tidy up an old family house and run around their sister – in law"

Why won't she understand how important the job is.

"You seem to be spending a lot of time and energy worrying about my life. Do I scare you that much, Gemma?"

"I'm not worried about you, just the people you touch. Jax is in a real strange place, he doesn't need any outside voices in his head. You should stay clear of him."

Pyscho Gemma is back.

"We're not 19 years old anymore. You can't dictate what he does, who he sees" I tell her, standing my ground.

"I'm his mother, and until I am dead and cold I am gonna do anything I have to do to protect him." She starts walking towards the door but turns back like she forgot something. "Oh. And, uh I'm not sure why you're carrying a gun but if you're gonna use one make sure to be safe. No serial numbers."

I look down at my hands and there's gun. It's nice, smaller and less heavy than the one I already have. I don't get this woman – she acts like she doesn't care then she is handing me a weapon to protect myself.

It's near the end of my shift and Jax has come by to visit Abel.

"Hey" I say surprised to see him - I thought he was out for a couple of days

"Hey" he says, happy to see me which is nice.

"How was your trip? Didn't think you would be back so soon"

"Ah it was pointless. Had to get back here and deal with some shit. We got the ATF up our ass, harassing us, looking for some dirt that doesn't exist."

I don't want to talk to him about ATF. I starting to feel even more unsafe with Kohn now digging into my past life with samcro.

"I'm uh finishing up rounds, you mind giving me a lift?" Praying he says yes.

"Sure, everything ok with your Cadillac? mom said she dropped it off for you, what's going on?" he asks concerned.

"Shitty day, my nerves are kinda shot."

"Ok, well um I'll be with the kid."

"Thanks I'll meet you out front in like 5?" he nods and he walks off to Abel's room.

When I meet Jax out front he hands me his bike helmet and it's then that I realise this is the first time I have been on the back of a bike in 11 years and its Jax's bike, the last bike I was on. I Hop on the back and hold on tight to his waist.

"You good?" he shouts over the engine and I nod my head at him and off we go.

I have missed the feeling it gave me being on a bike – the feeling of the wind on my face, the speed.

When we got back to the house I notice a silver car that's part out front, one I don't recognise from this neighbourhood but I have a clear idea of who it is.

"Appreciate the lift" I tell jax and I hand him back his helmet and sort out my hair.

"Did the you leave the car at the hospital? Is it not running right?"

"Its running ok." I can't lie to jax its too hard.

Jax glances down the street and he says "This worry I'm getting here that have anything to do with that car that's been following us? The compact parked halfway down the block."

I just look at him, worry in my eyes – I had no idea he followed us the whole way.

"Cara! What the hell's going on?" He shouts

"That A.T.F. Agent that's been looking into you guys- - I think he's here for me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was with him in Chicago. It got violent. I tried to end it. He started stalking me. I got a restraining order" my voice is shaking.

Jax starts walking down the block towards his car, I panic.

"Jax, Don't. He's dangerous!"

"Go back inside, Cara. Lock the door!" He orders me, I don't listen I turn the corner and follow him and watch on.

Jax pulls out his knife and storms up to the car and stabs in right in the grill of the car. Kohn gets out.

"Vandalism, deadly weapon. That's six months in County, asshole."

"Violating a restraining order, You'll be in the cell next to me, did they teach you how to suck a dick in A.T.F. School? " Jax tells him.

"Badass biker."

"You guys gave it your best shot. You got nothing on Sam Crow. And you harassing Cara, that ends here or next time it won't be a piece-of-shit car I'm draining fluid from."

"You threatening a federal agent?"

"I'm threatening you. Go away. It's my last warning."

Jax turns around and starts walking back to me. He points at me and says "I told you to stay inside Cara."

I don't say anything; I just roll my eyes we walk back to my door.

He holds on to my arm, I felt safe. "Look Cara, I'm gonna go speak to Hale down at the sheriff station and I'm gonna tell Ope." he tells me

"No its just going to make it worse Jax" That's the last thing I want is Opie worrying. "What do you mean Hale? David Hale?"

David was a good friend in school, I thought he would have ended up far away from here just like me.

"Yeah he's deputy sheriff." Jax doesn't care about my questions and jumps straight to facts. "Cara you said he was violent, you got a restraining order and you think him following you to your home is ok?" 

"No I just figured It would pass. He told me he was here on business." I shrug my shoulders at him.

Jax crossed his eyes at me "Wait he talked to you?"

"He came to my work. I was completely caught off guard."

Jax was getting more and more angry and then tells me "Look I don't give a shit about what he tries to do to me, I can defend myself but you ..."

"What are you saying Jax?! That I can't defend myself? I tried to defend myself. You don't know what I was put through in Chicago – he made my life a living nightmare, that's why I left, I came here to be safe. I didn't know he would god damn follow me! In all honesty I thought he would find some new girl to manipulate and control."

"Well he's here and I'm gonna find out why." He kisses me on the cheek and gets on his bike, he starts putting on his helmet.

"Just go inside and get some sleep, I'll call you later." He shouts over his roaring engine.

This time I listen to him and I lock the door behind me and listen to his bike ride away.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Back on another shift at work. Hale has been wandering around all day trying to solve some case but I haven't yet had the chance to talk to him until he approaches me at the reception desk.

"Look at you" David calls out.

"Yeah and look at you." We start laughing and he pulls me in for a hug.

"Happy to be back in charming?" he asks me looking at me suspiciously – he knows something.

"I like working here, good to be home" I leave it at that.

"Why didn't you tell me about this ATF agent Kohn who's been bothering you?" he asks me, getting straight to the point.

"Jax told you?" of course he did.

"Yeah, I didn't know that Kohn is involved with you."

"Was involved. And it was in Chicago, I have a restraining order against him. However, it's in another state and I don't know if its valid here."

"Cara the guy has been you stalking here in charming and you didn't say anything?"

"I didn't even know you were a sheriff in this town until Jax mentioned it yesterday. I could have I know, I'm sorry. I tried getting help in Chicago. I complained to his superiors and it made things worse. I went through three precincts before someone would even give me that restraining order. I doubted you could do anything anyway"

"Cara. Kohn's boss doesn't even know that he is here. This guy is in deep shit. He is done."

"Really?" I ask him surprised.

"He is leaving Charming, I promise and I am sorry we had to meet this way . Look I gotta get back to work but here is my card if you need anything just call."

I nod at him

"It's good to have you back Cara."

"Yeah good to see you, thanks" and I wave him good bye.

I feel relief. The kind of relief I felt when I put the last bag in my car before leaving Chicago.

When I got back from work Jax turned up, he never called like he said he would – I knew he would just come by instead.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he walked through the door.

"Yeah." I said as I got up from the couch where I was doing some reading on an upcoming surgery.

"Hale told me what happened, Kohn's gone, I watched him leave town."

"Thank you." He looked a little bit mad "What is it?" I ask.

"You left Chicago 'cause you were afraid this guy was gonna hurt you."

"One of the reasons." I reassure him.

"Did you come back here 'cause you knew I'd hurt this guy or Opie would? - do what the cops wouldn't do?"

"God, no! I had no idea he would follow me … That doesn't sound like you, Jax. It sounds like your mother."

"Well, you're safe now."

It was silent for two seconds until he asked me something. "Can I borrow some stuff, like bandages and shit? one of the guys got hurt."

"Erm yeah, I think I've got some supplies in bathroom, I'll be right back."

I go into the bathroom and grab my first aid bag.

"Here's some of the things you need." I pass it to him

"Great, thanks."

"I'm not sure what's going on, Jax but I hope it works out okay."

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having to ask you for this." He held up the bag I gave him "You know, when I heard you were back in town I ran the scenario of how this would work- You and me."

"What'd it look like?"

"Like this, you wondering what kind of bad shit I was doing. Me saying I'm sorry."

"You're a grown man Jax I don't worry like I used to. Plus I thought about the scenario too."

"Yeah. Look I better get goin, thanks for the stuff."

I smile at him and close the door behind him.

I walk through to the bedroom and I can still hear his bike. I look at my iPod on my bedside table just as I enter the room and I notice there is another one the same on the dresser opposite my bed. I Panic. He must be here.

I feel him come out from nowhere and grab me

"No! No!" I'm screaming hoping Jax hears me from outside.

"Shh, shh." Kohn says

I can still hear Jax's bike outside.

"Jax!" He pulls on me tighter, my arms by my side. "No! No! Jax! Jax!" I'm screaming but he's so strong holding on to me.

"Shh, shh, shh. Shh." He whispers in my ear.

The noise of the bike becomes more silent, he's leaving. He didn't hear me.

"Good-bye, . - Shh. You okay?" Kohn says

"Jax!" I keep screaming his name

"No screaming, you understand?" he pins me down on the ground.

"You're hurting me." I tell him

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I had to do it this way, Cara. But I just- I needed five minutes and I knew there was no other way."

"You're in a lot of trouble, Josh. - Please, just leave. I won't say anything."

"Five minutes. I just need- - I need five goddamn minutes! - Okay."

"Sure. Five minutes." I decide to try stay calm and negotiate with him in the hope he won't hurt me. He grabs me to sit at the bottom of the bed.

"Let's start over. Okay? Thank you for giving me this chance. - I know that my behaviour has been less than chivalrous and I apologize for that. Sometimes love- passion- inspires a man's baser instincts."

He's completely psychotic. I am breathing so heavy I can barely hear what he is rambling.

"He does things he's not proud of, I'm sorry for those things, I never meant to scare you. But the restraining order- Come on. That was so out of the blue. And it made me feel like some kind of psycho." You are.

"I'm sorry." I'm so not sorry.

"I heard you, uh, talking to Teller out there. Sounded kind of intimate. You and him- That can never happen. You know that. You know that's all wrong, don't you?"

'It's okay." He's having a conversation to me with himself.

"Its water under the bridge. All that matters is this moment right now- You and me, Cara.

We have the chance to put it all on the table. Work it out. Build the foundation that this relationship needs."

"Yes, right." I nod at him

"Why don't you- Why don't you start?"

"Okay."

He grabs a hold of my hands.

"I guess I should talk about, uh- - What do you want me to- - ?" I'm in shock, I don't know what he wants me to say.

"No, Oh, sweetie- This is about what you want. This is your opportunity to clear the air.

Tell me everything that you think doesn't work in our relationship. Be straight with me- Brutally honest." He's smiling.

"Okay. Um- I guess; you know I was concerned. Back in Chicago, you- - you were very possessive.

"Yes, That's true."

"Yes and l- l- I got- Frightened."

"I know. Sometimes my energy can be very big. I'm an intense guy. And l-l- I own that."

"Yes, right. Well I got frightened. That's why I filed the restraining order."

"But you know now that there was nothing to be afraid of, right? You just, uh- You weren't used to being loved so deeply."

I know love and he didn't love me.

"Oh." I say

"Okay, relax. Car-Car- My little worry wart. Is there anything else you- you need to tell me? Get off your conscience? Our baby? You don't want to mention that?"

Shit.

"I had an abortion at six weeks. It was never a baby."

"That's right. You had an abortion. Didn't bother to ask me how I felt about it."

"It was my baby too."

"It was never a baby." I tell him again

"Oh! - You never gave him a chance. Oh! I know in my heart this is the right thing. What I feel for you, is- It's deep. It's- It's God given. This is our chance for a fresh start, Cara"

"You never told me what that tattoo on the bottom of your back meant either. E-every time I would ask you- you never told me the truth."

"It's just a tattoo." I lied, like I always used to do.

"It's a biker whore tattoo. You have it there so you belong to him. You don't belong to him, do you Car?"

I shake my head in fear.

"Good girl, why don't you let me see it again? Huh?"

He starts leaning me down on the bed and he's touching my chest my panic increases.

"No. no, wait! Wait, Josh. Wait. Please, Please. Not this way. It's-It's- It's a fresh start right?"

He gave in. I lean over him, touching his chest.

"The tattoo is trash, forget about it. Just Shhh" I told him

"Um, make love to me. Gentle, like I know you can. Please, baby. I know you don't want to hurt me. I know you don't. I know you love me."

"I do love you." He says and he looks like he's going to cry. He's pathetic.

"Then love me."

He starts talking through his fake tears "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I just- I'm in so much pain. When I think about you- - Do you have any idea how this feels?"

"Shh." I tell him "I know, I know, baby. But I'm with you now. Right? It's just you and me- JustJoshy and Car-Car. Together." I feel sick listening to the sound of my own voice.

I'm trying to distract him, I see the gun over on the bedside table I grab it as quick as I can, he catches me but I've got a tight grip and I end up shoot him in the stomach.

"You stupid bitch!" He yells in pain.

I keep the gun pointing at him as I start back up off the bed and backing into the doorway.

"Call an ambulance." He tells me.

I don't want to save him.

"Please Cara, I will bleed out and die. I'm sorry please don't let me die Cara."

He keeps talking but I start searching through my contacts until I find Jax and the whole time I have the gun pointing at him, making sure he doesn't move. It doesn't take long for Jax to pick up.

"yeah?" he answers

"Jax" my breathing is so unsteady I can barely get out the words.

"Cara? You ok? Cara say something."

"Kohn" I swallow and catch my breath. "You have to get here."

He doesn't say anything he just hangs up and it doesn't take him long to get here. I'm standing in the living room in my underwear and a small cardigan. I'm covered in blood and shaking from fear, worry, confusion. Jax comes barging through the door.

"Holy Shit." He says as he looks at me up and down and at the gun in my right arm, I think from then he could gather what was going on

"I couldn't stop him. I tried to talk to"

"It's okay. It's all right." He caresses' my face "Where is he?"

"The bedroom." And I point to where he is.

"Give me that." He grabs the gun out my hand and charges towards where Kohn is and I here from Kohn.

"Oh, shit." Once he realises Jax is here, he then calls out "You stupid bitch."

Jax looks at me as we stand in the door way.

"I didn't know what to do. I shot him, Jax. I had to. What do l-What do I do? What do we do?" I ask him panicking all over.

"Okay, Okay. We call this in. You're not gonna get charged. He is. They're gonna patch him up. He'll do a few years for assault. Then he's gonna be out- Free to do this again." His eyes are so wide.

"No! He can't do this again, Jax. Please." Im crying hysterically, I start lightly punching jax's chest.

Kohn yells out "Teller's your solution?"

"I can't do this" I'm saying to Jax, burying my head in his chest.

"It's okay" he keeps telling me

Kohn keeps shouting, this time he says "You pathetic whore! Once a biker slut, always a"

I feel Jax leave where he was once standing next to me and then I hear BANG! BANG! BANG!

Jax shot him in the head, he's dead.

I'm screaming, I'm screaming louder than I thought a human being could scream. Jax is sat down on the edge of the bed, he puts down the gun and I start walking towards him slowly and sit down next to him, Kohn's lifeless body is lying on the floor, there is blood everywhere and its pouring out quick.

I let out a squeal after i realise what we just did. I feel Jax grab me around the shoulders and move his hands up to my face.

"It's okay." He tells me, but I can't stop crying. He keeps saying it's okay and he looks at me in the eyes, his face is close – I can feel his shaking breath on my face. He's stroking my face as our faces get closer and closer and the next thing I know his lips touch mine to kiss me and I kiss him back. All of a sudden all the fear I feel escapes my body. Kissing Jax made me feel like I was 16 again, it felt right.

I start pushing his cut off his shoulders and it falls to the floor next to my cardigan. He lifts me up a little and he cradles above my body on the bed, he lifts his head from my lips and stares down at me, I pull the chain around his neck and back to my lips. I have needed him for a long time. Before we know we are making love and my whole body feels on fire with warmth, happiness and safety. He's the man I've loved since I was sixteen, he was my first everything and that's why in this moment of tragedy all that mattered was me and Jax.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

We didn't get much sleep last night. This morning Jax had to deal with the body whilst I hid in the shower. The reality of what happened sunk in and I found myself with my head in the toilet. I struggled to look at myself in the mirror over the sink, I was brushing my teeth when I heard Jax come back.

He was standing in the door way of the bathroom door as I finish of rinsing my mouth.

"You okay?" I'm not sure how to answer his question, so I answer his with a question.

"You?" I ask him. He shrugs his shoulders in reply.

"You going to work?"

"I might take a personal day."

He nods back "Understandable I guess. Look, I gotta get to the clubhouse, my phone is blowing up – the medical supplies I asked you for didn't actually get to where they are meant to go."

"Oh shit, completely forgot - do you need my help?" I completely forgot Jax saying someone got hurt.

"Nah, let me deal with it first. If I need you I'll let you know ok?" He walks towards me and kisses me hard but its lasted short.

"Call me if you need anything"

"I will" I smile at him letting him know I'm okay and he heads out the door.

Several hours went by and I can't stay in this house any longer so I decided to keep myself busy so head into work.

Once I get there I spend most of my time in Abel's room checking up on him, running a few tests and most the time just staring at him. It's not long before Jax enters the room and I'm very pleased and relieved to see him.

"How's he doing?" he asks

"Good. Strong-willed little guy." I say gazing down at Abel.

He turned to me and said "Thought you were gonna take a personal day."

"I tried to. I had to get out of there, you know? It's a light day."

"You okay?" I ask him

"I don't know." He says and I feel bad for him

"What- What'd you do with him?" wanting to know but not wanting.

"It's done."

Reality sunk in again "What did we do?"

"When Kohn showed up in Charming, he knew this could only end one of two ways. Either him dead or you dead. It ended the right way."

"Maybe I came back here knowing the same thing. And this was the only place I felt safe." I start getting emotional.

"It was survival. You did what you had to do." I guess that's how life goes when you are samcro.

"Is that how this works? You make up your own moral code for everything?"

"I never killed anyone like this before, Cara. I don't know what the code is." My heart sinks.

"I'm sorry." I run my had along his front patches.

"I've been waking up every day since he was born with a sick feeling. Wondering who was gonna die today. And it scares the shit out of me. And then I woke up this morning and it was gone. I think that scares me more."

"Hey." I grab his rough face "You're in shock."

"I don't think anything could shock me anymore." He says

"What do you want me to do? How can I help you?"

"Don't go anywhere." He looks at me scared and afraid that I would actually leave

"I'm not." Truth is I don't want to be anywhere else but with him.

"I need you to come to the clubhouse with me. The guy is hurt really bad. Bullet wounds.

Got a bad infection. We're gonna lose him."

"Is it one of the guys?" I start to worry

"Nah, an Irishman."

I ask no questions.

"I'll borrow some things." I say then he leans down to kiss me. "Thank you."

"I'll meet you back here." And I go to grab all the supplies I can think of.

We arrive at the clubhouse and I start getting weird looks as I walk through the bar with scrubs on. I'm led to the church room. Last time I was in here I certainly didn't think it would be to take a bullet wound out of what looks like some guy's ass cheek.

"Hey darling" Chibs says as he walks in. "Here to help if ya need me"

"Thanks Chibs"

I Start digging through my bag and put on my gloves.

"Here's some vancomycin." I hand it to Gemma "This'll kill anything. Give him two now and then one every four hours."

Gemma wakes up the guy to get him to take the medication.

"How's it look?" The Irishman asks

"It looks like you got shot." I tell him

"The doctor is a friend of the club. You're in good hands." Gemma tells the guy on the table. I up at her I think she can read my mind.

"She's family, Piney's daughter." She adds.

I hand Chibs a local aesthetic to put in the area.

"Where should I put it?" he asks and a point to where

"Careful" I tell him "I'm gonna have, um-" I look to the guy next to me unsure of what his name is, I forgot.

"Juice" he says

"Juice pull his finger out and I want you to stuff that gauze into the wound, then I'm gonna close it off with this clamp." I held up the clamp to show him what I meant.

"Sure you know what you're doing?" Gemma asks me.

No Gemma I don't know what I'm doing it's not as though I learnt something like this on my first week as an intern. Ass.

"Guess we'll find out. You ready?" I look to Juice "One, two, three."

Juice pulls out his finger and I clamp it quick.

"Holy shit." Juice says

"Great job, Doc. Can I go and wash my hands and stuff?" Juice asks I look at his bloody hands and tell him yes obviously.

"Hey, you did- you did great, Juice. You helped- You helped save his life."

"Thanks."

"Mm-hmm." I say, eyes focusing on this clamp

"That was very sweet." I hear from the side of me. "No, I mean it. That guy's not used to good feedback."

I sigh and let go of the clamp to look up at Gemma.

"Okay, I'm a little out of my element here. I'm not quite sure how all this works."

"For now, you keep him alive. Beyond that I got no idea how this works." Gemma says.

Jax came through to ask how he was doing.

"I got out all the slugs and stopped the bleeding. If the penicillin kills the infection, he should make it."

"How was she?" he asks nodding over to his mother talking to some croweater in the corner of the bar.

"Can't stop that bleeding. She still wants me dead. You know that, right?"

"I'll handle my mother." Jax tells me.

I went back to the hospital after the clubhouse and finished off everything I had to do. I didn't feel comfortable about going back to the house alone tonight. I could only think of one place I would feel safe.

I could tell there was some kind of party going on at the clubhouse when I arrived. I started walking towards the door when I was stopped by Clay – clearly intoxicated.

"There she is! Charming's little princess!" he turned to all the guys whom some I didn't know and said "You know she saved a life today! Let me get you a drink."

"Sure." If I'm here I might as well have one. He hands me a beer and I see Opie sat around a table with Juice and Chibs. I give him a light squeeze on the shoulder.

"Hey Ope." He turns around

"Hey! Haven't seen you in a while, thought maybe you had gone back to Chicago" he starts laughing, I take a sip of my beer.

Opie has been known to be a bit of a dick when he's drunk

"Nope, still here. Jax about?" he's the only one I really came to see.

"Through the back probably"

I start walking away but Opie stops me.

"Hey!" I hear him and I turn around. "What you doin?"

"With what?"

"Jax."

"Honestly I don't even know." The last 24 hours have tested our relationship.

"I know you aren't the teenager you were back then that I was havin to worry bout but that's my best friend through there."

"Opie its ok, I'm ok." I tell him and pull him for a hug.

I get to the back room where me and Jax first reunited hoping that's where he is. I open the door and he's sat reading something in the corner chair looking very focused but when he sees me he smiles instantly.

"Didn't wanna spend the night alone." I tell him

He stands up and pulls his hand out to take mine.

"C'mon, let me show you something." He leads me over to the bed and grabs the manual he was reading. I look at him confused.

"When we were in the storage unit looking through old shit a few weeks back I didn't tell you what else I found."

He places down a heavy leather notepad on my lap.

"What is it?" I look at him.

"Open it" He tells me.

I open it and I see the first page. On it says 'The Life and Death of Samcro: How The Sons of Anarchy Lost Their Way. BY JOHN THOMAS TELLER.' At first I didn't know what to think so I turn over the page and there are loads of words and paragraphs all written by John himself. In it he starts talking about him and my dad – when they were in 8th grade they came up with something they called - 'going to change the world'.

"Is this some kind of story of his life?" I ask Jax

"It's a manuscript. Full of what my dad really wanted for the club, ways he wanted to change things. All his regrets."

"Wow" is all I can say.

"I've been reading it since I found it. No one knows I have it, I don't know if anyone actually knows it exists"

"Why are you showing this to me?"

"Because your dad is part of what my dad was a part of. I want you to read it. You coming back to charming a lot of things have changed within myself and within the club. I want you to understand more than what you just grew knowing but if I want to start making changes."

I interrupt him "Making changes? How?"

"My dad's original idea for the club is dead. I want to honour his legacy, not kill it."

"You mean all the illegal stuff?"

"I don't wanna get into details, just read and you will know what I mean" He reassures me.

When I looked at him I could see how passionate he was about this club. I couldn't help but just start to kiss him because I believed in him. I think he was quite taken back. I could feel him smiling through kiss.

"Cara" he said through all the kisses.

"shh" I told him, we leaned back on the bed and repeated what we did only the night before in the room where it all started.

I was in the bathroom freshening up and I grabbed one of Jax's samcro t-shirts handing over the towel wrack – and old one that I have probably wore before by the looks of, I start walking over towards the bed.

"That's a good look for you." Jax complimented me. He was laying back in the bed.

"Mmm. You think?" Somehow he made me go all shy.

I lay down next to him and put my head on his bare chest as he stroked my arm and kissed my head.

"Are we crazy?" I ask him

"I'll answer that later." He tells me and soon after we fell soon asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

When I woke up in the morning Jax wasn't there. He left a note next to all the crap on the bedside table saying he had to take care of some club business. Last night I really felt like we connected, I like that Jax confided in me but it makes me feel sad that he hasn't had that over the years.

I got through to the kitchen to grab some coffee and I see the morning after the night before, guys with their heads sleeping in pussy. I grab a cup and I hear

"Good morning." From Gemma. I didn't even know she was in here.

"Good morning." I say back and start pouring my coffee.

"Thanks for saving the Irishman. He'd be dead if it wasn't for you."

"You're welcome." I take a sip of my coffee needing that fix.

"Can I ask you a question?" she asks me – I feel like all she does is ask me questions.

"Gemma, I'm tired and I'm not really up for a fight." Hoping she gets the point

"Oh, not a fight. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. You and Jax are obviously reconnected."

"Honestly? I don't know what we are." Telling her the honest truth

"That's what concerns me, you're clearly not one of them." She says as she nods towards the crow eaters asleep on pool tables.

"I'm glad that's clear."

"So what happens next?" she asks

"I don't know."

"You become his old lady? What does that look like? Operating on kids during the day - patching up bullet wounds at night? … Okay, I get it, I know you hate me. But this isn't me being some overbearing bitch. This is someone telling you the truth."

She keeps going … but she is right

"You and Jax is a bad idea. And someone better start thinking clearly before both of you get hurt."

I start to cry

"Well, it wouldn't be my first bad idea. Seems to follow me wherever I go." I say wiping my tears.

"If I hadn't of left 11 years ago to become the person I am today you wouldn't have me to patch up bullet wounds." I hope that shut her up. "Look, Gemma I can take shit from you, whatever you got bring it on but let me learn from my own mistakes. That's the only way we can get through this."

"You know you are smarter and more strong-willed Than anyone I've ever met. You need to shine some of that on this thing with Jax. He's not smart enough right now to do what's right. He makes mistakes and he doesn't learn from them. You have to be the one to break this off."

I'm left completely speechless and hurt.

I go see Donna on my way to work but I can't get that conversation me and Gemma had this morning out of my head, I needed to be distracted. I walk through the front door and I'm met by boxes.

Confused I start shouting "DONNA" and start walking around the house in all rooms trying to find her.

"Hey sorry I was through the back packing up some of the kids shit." She looks like crap.

"What the hell is going on? Why are you packing things?"

"Wait are you not aware of anything that's been going on?" she asks me and put her hands on her hips, looking as puzzled as I do.

I realise that clearly I am not. I've been buried under my own pile of shit at the moment but I won't mention a thing.

"I've been busy." Busy killing ex-boyfriends.

"Well, we have too – tryna sort out where we are gonna live. We can't afford this place anymore – too many mortgage payments behind. Jax offered to help but we don't want charity. You didn't know Opie lost his job at the mill and he is in custody?"

Jax hasn't told me anything, either has my own brother – clearly.

"Lost his job? Custody? For what?"

"That bitch Agent Stahl is trying to make him out to be a rat to the club. The club think he's out doing shit but he's kept in for questioning, they took me and the kids to a safe house and paid off our debts. It makes Opie look like an informant."

"Holy Shit" This is just one thing after another.

"Opie hasn't exactly been joining in on the club's illegal activities. He knows how I feel about his association with the club so he stopped being so committed for my sake – now it's back fired. I'm at a loss."

"Jax wouldn't believe Opie is a rat."

"Honestly I don't know what to think, I just wanna get me and the kids safe."

"Let me help." I beg her and step more towards her.

"No, it's okay – you have work"

"Donna" I say and I pull her in for a hug. "Your tough you know, Opie is lucky to have you."

"Sometimes I feel like he doesn't listen."

"Yeah I know the feeling" I agree with her

On my way to St Thomas I transfer some money into Donna's personal bank account, she'll kill me for it but I don't care – she needs it.

First thing I do when I get to the hospital is check on Abel, it looks as though he might be able to come in a couple days. There's a woman standing at Abel's window peering through I go out to see who it is.

"Can I help you?"

" ?" she questions me.

"Yeah."

"I'm Agent Stahl, A.T.F." when she tells me her name I know it's the same woman that Donna mentioned who's trying to set up Opie. "May I, uh- May I ask you some questions?"

"Of course." I say as polite as I can despite the circumstances.

"Thank you." She says and we both take a seat and she gets right into things

"I'm trying to wrap my brain around your history with Sam Crow."

"Excuse me?" I ask, taken aback by her abrupt question.

"Well, your mom left when you were nine, been in and out ever since and your daddy is one of the longest members of the club."

"First nine actually." She looked puzzled. "Founding member" I go on to add.

"You moved in with an aunt in San Diego."

Wrong

"My father's cousin." I corrected her

"Right, right."

"You graduated U.C.S.D. With honours. You were top of the class at Loyola Med. And you did your internship at Chicago Presbyterian. Really very impressive."

"Yeah. I know. I was there." she's really starting to piss me off.

"Yes. And now you're here at St. Redneck's getting dirty with the bad boys again. How does that happen? Hmm?"

"My personal life is really none of your business. What do you want?"

She avoids my question

"Fair enough." She shrugs her shoulders

"Do you know of any illegal activity that Jax Teller or the Sons of Anarchy are involved in?"

"No, I don't."

"Well, that was easy. Well, listen, um, if you do think of something or you see something that just doesn't feel right - would you please give me a call?" she hands me her card.

"Mmm."

"Thank you for your time, Doctor."

She begins walking away but I ask

"What exactly is it you're hoping to find? I'm Just wondering what digging up dirt on old girlfriends and member's daughters gets you?" I start folding my arms.

"Is that what Kohn liked? Your inquisitive nature? You know, I understand that he never got off the plane in Chicago. He's M.I.A. Threw away his career for love. I just hope you're not doing the same, Doctor."

Bitch.

Jax came by again, I feel like there's not a shift that goes by where I don't see Jax visiting Abel. I didn't even give him a hello when he walked through the door I was that pissed. I stormed up to him and made sure no one was looking around.

"An A.T.F Agent just came by here; she knew all about me. She knows about us."

"It's all smoke." I look at him like how is he so chill? "Look, they got nothing on Sam Crow.

So now they're harassing people close to us. I'm sorry. You didn't say anything?"

"No. Of course not. She's a real bitch though, she mentioned Kohn. Said he was M.I.A."

"Kohn was a wanted man. He didn't show up in Chicago cause he didn't want to go to jail. Probably halfway around the world by now."

"Yeah, halfway … So are you thinking there's something you should be telling me?"

He looks confused as I change topic of conversation.

"Opie." I said giving him a hint.

"Shit." He rubs his beard

"Yeah shit, you gotta see what's going on. You've met that A.T.F Agent she's definitely up to something."

"Cara please just stay out of this." He sighs.

"I'm not intruding on club business Jax, this is my brother and his family. Have you seen Donna recently? She's barely holding it together."

"Don't worry, this will never blow back on you. That's a promise. I wouldn't let you get hurt." He said, both hands on my shoulders, he brings me in for a tight embrace.

I believed him but I felt like something bad was going to happen soon and I can't explain it.

Me and Jax head straight up to the cabin from the hospital where the Irishman has been staying to give him one last check before he goes back to Ireland. I checked him over he was healing well. I didn't realise how many guys it took to take for one guy to go home. Everyone is here.

Jax is sat down, I look down at him and start playing with his beard – it's nice for us to have these moments again.

"You good?" he asks.

"Yeah really good." I smile at him sweetly. Jax is being yelled on – its time for them to go.

"I'll see you soon" I nod at him and he kisses me on the side of the mouth and I stand in the door way Gemma right next to me and we watch one by one of them ride away.

This was a moment for me, I wanted Gemma to see that I don't give a shit what she thinks and I will support Jax no matter the consequences.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

It was early in the morning and it was time for Abel to go home. Everyone was here at the hospital – Jax, Gemma and even Wendy. It's a little awkward atmosphere. I get Jax to sign his release papers and I pick up Abel and hand him to Jax.

"How's his sleep apnea?" Gemma asks

"The last two nights, no alarms, he's almost through it."

I go up to Gemma and ask to talk to her in private, we go out into the hall.

"Can I ask you a practical question? Who's gonna take care of him?"

"I will. Who do you think?"

"Day and night? You ready for that?"

"I think I can handle it - Why?"

"I don't think Jax is ready for this. He has no idea what he's in for."

"On that we agree. His father was clueless too, they figure it out. Got no choice, right?

"Yeah"

"You want kids?" she asked me completely out of the blue

"Sure. Right time, right person."

"Getting close to finding that?"

"What are you asking me, Gemma?"

"If you're in Jax's life, you're in his life. I got every right to know how you feel about kids."

"I don't think what Jax and I have- It's- - We haven't discussed it"

"Well, maybe you should. Big responsibilities come with my son. You better think about that; you should figure out if you can take them on."

"I'm just spending time with Jax, there is nothing to figure out. If it becomes something different, you'll be the first to know."

"Well, good cause I don't mind playing Mommy for a while. But eventually, I'd like to just sit back be Grandma."

Right then Wendy came out the room and Gemma went back in the room and left us two alone.

"Do you have a plan, Wendy?"

"I got into a sober living house at Lincoln Village."

"That's good."

"Yeah. How's Jax?" she asks

"He's- He's okay, l-I think."

"God, I miss him so much."

"Yeah, I can imagine... I'm gonna go hand in this paper work."

She smiled and I started walking away,

"Hey wait!" she called after me "You should come to Abel's home coming tonight at the house if you're not working. Everything you've done for Abel – you should be there"

"It's my night off actually, Thanks."

"I'll see you later then?" why is she being so nice, it's weird.

"Yeah, see you later" It was awkward to say the least.

I don't know how this works now Abel is home.

I go over to Jax's house just to check up on Abel, I'm being paranoid. He's only been home a couple of hours.

Gemma answers the door and lets me walk in.

"How's he doin?" I ask

"Good he's sleepin." She says whilst rummaging through a cardboard box of decorations.

"That's good." I say looking around. I haven't actually been here yet – what I'v seen has only been through the windows.

"Not trusting us yet Doc?" not sure if she is serious or not.

"I'm just used to seeing him in the hospital, that's all. Miss him a little"

She smiled at me, I'm a little taken back.

Wendy is here, she trying to hang up a 'Welcome Home Banner' with poor effort.

"You're moms in town." Gemma says "Yeah she called asking me why she was called by the feds to pick up her grandkids from the Department of justice facility in Stockton."

"Oh how great." I can't remember the last time I saw her.

"She can't get a hold of Piney, you wanna try callin him?"

"He's most likely just ignoring her calls. Does Opie know?"

"No idea." She tells me

"Well do you know where she is now?"

"Most likely at Opie and Donna's house, you gonna go over there? See your mom?"

Gemma knows we don't have a normal mother daughter relationship.

"I wanna see if the kids are ok." I tell her, both Gemma and Wendy nod at me

"Hey don't worry. Nothing that bitch can say can bring you down. Ya here me?" Gemma reassures me.

"I can handle Mary."

"I know you can" She winks at me

"I'll see you later on tonight."

"Bring some beers" Gemma yells as I put my hand on the door handle "Oh and make sure Piney turns up."

"Gotcha." I wave and dread the drive to Donna and Ope's.

I see her car parked outside. I park mine next to it and head towards the front door. I walked inside and the place looks so bare and empty. The kids are playing on the swings outside and I can see Mary in the kitchen.

When she hears me coming she turns around sees me and the first thing she says to me in years is "I thought you were meant to be in Chicago?"

Gemma could have told her I was here, would of help all the why what when kind of questions.

"Nope, I moved back here about a month ago. I'm working a St Thomas."

"How nice of someone mention it to me"

"Would it off mattered?" She doesn't answer my question as expected.

"You want some coffee?"

"No. I came to see the kids."

"They're out back." She points to the patio doors.

I start walking towards the back yard when she asks me "How come you didn't get the call? To collect the kids, I had to drive three hours."

There she is, the selfish self-loathing Mother of mine.

"You're their contact." I'm biting my tongue. "You know I would have come to collect the kids from wherever it was but I've got my own shit going on right now."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"I do not even have the time to deal with you right now."

"Selfish that way aren't ya." She tells me and I don't even have the energy to argue her point.

I get the kids from the yard and tell her on my way out "I'll bring them back later."

I take the kids with me to the hospital, there's plenty of things they can do in the office.

Jax comes by, I called him to come collect Abel's medication.

He spoke to the kids and then turned to me to say hey, I hand him a plastic container.

"I think that's all of them. It's just some daily doses and stuff."

"Is something wrong?" he asks and I take him outside into the hall and sit in some of the waiting seats.

"I just went to see my mother." I say, still traumatized.

"Shit, she's here?"

"Yeah she got a call from the justice facility in Stockton to collect the kids, I just went to bring them here – distract them you know."

"What did you say to her?"

"Not much, she was a bitch, nothing new. She's still questioning everything I do. Look Jax with Abel leaving I just realized it's not just you we now have to think about. You have a son. We need to think about what we're doing."

"You really wanna talk about this, huh? 'Cause the one upside of Wendy, she was usually too wasted for relationship chats."

"Well, I'm painfully sober."

"I can see that." He's smiling "I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

"No!"

"My shit was crazy, Cara. That "I got to be with you every minute or I'm gonna kill myself" type of crazy."

My stomach is doing backflips.

"I know, me too" I'm smiling at him like a child.

"Look the way I feel about you hasn't changed. I can still go there but this can't be that. Cause we got to figure out what's right. But I'm not trying to avoid this, what we have.

Just gotta take a minute to know what to do."

He holds on to my leg

"Okay. I want you to know I'm sorry."

"Cara."

"No, you had your say now let me have mine."

He keeps looking down.

"Look at me." I tell him and he finally looks up at me.

"I'm sorry for the way I left you all those years ago, I don't even know what would have happened if I stayed, maybe I wouldn't have killed someone"

"Do you love me?" he asks and I didn't know that's where this conversation was going to lead.

I'm lost for words; I think I know how to answer it but the words won't come out.

"It's a simple question." He tells me

"It's not a simple answer Jax." I tell him the truth. "I just worry about other people."

"What?"

"Your mother says we have to end this. I don't know what you want me to do about that, there's only so many looks I can give her and there's only so much I can say."

"What is this? Stop worrying about the Kohn thing and I want you to stop listening to my crazy mother." He's right, I should. "I'm gonna go. You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you later"

He kisses softly and he leaves.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

On my way to Jax's I picked up my dad from the cabin. We were driving on the way there when he asked.

"I heard you seen your mom earlier?"

"Yeah, I did."

"You al'right with that sweetheart?"

"What her being here? She can come and go when she pleases, it's what she's good at doing anyway."

That made him laugh and he said "Yeah, you got that right."

"Is she coming tonight?" I ask, praying that she Isn't

"What the hell do I know? That woman is one big closed book." He says

I look over at him and we start laughing.

"You got much of an idea with what's going on with Ope."

"It's complicated sweetheart, best you stay out of it."

I look at him and look back to the road "You don't have to pretend with me pops."

"I'm not, there's just nothing to tell. Don't get all hissy with me"

"I just hope nothing bad happens that's gonna make you regret saying that."

Dad takes a puff of his oxygen and we park outside Jax's. When we get inside everyone is there including Abel.

"Here she is! The good doctor." Gemma calls over to the door, all eyes on me. "Let me get you a drink."

"Thanks." I'm gonna need one.

Once Gemma passes me a beer I glance over at Jax in the corner of the room, he winks at me – he's busy talking to people who are gushing over Abel. I go to find Opie who's standing in the kitchen with Bobby. I haven't seen Opie since I found out what's going on with him and Agent Stahl.

Bobby sees me first "Hey darling" and he gives me a hug

"Hey Bobby."

He points at me and says "I don't see enough of you y'know."

"You gotta stop this obsessive behaviour Bobby, I've told you before no?" I tell him jokingly.

"haahha, right I'll leave you siblings to it." He walks out the kitchen to the crowded living room and me and Opie are left alone.

I lean against the counter next to him "So, you got your shit together?"

"I've never got my shit together, however I made it here with my family in one piece so I'm doing something right. You don't need to worry."

"It's harder not to when it's on my front doorstep." I tell him and take a sip of my beer.

"I just don't know how to get around this shit with Donna, the life it's still not for her, I can't hold down a decent job or stay away from the ass holes who run the law."

"You'll figure it out. Maybe you should tell her more." I suggest

"You're kidding right? Donna does not wanna know shit. Plus, I've never told her anything and there's only two ways this old lady thing works – it's to tell em everything or tell em nothing. I chose nothing, it has its pros but it had its con's."

"Yeah when you put it like that, it makes sense." And I think of me and Jax and all the shit he doesn't tell me.

"You get it though, the life. It's all you know. Jax is lucky that way."

"I don't know if lucky is the way to put it Ope, speaking of – I'm gonna go find him, I'll catch you later k?"

He nods at me with his beer and I go find him.

I walk through to the living room and sit on the arm of the couch where Jax is and I watch on.

Dad is playing with the kids and Wendy is sulking in the corner. It bugs me that she is here - she is the reason Abel is having this homecoming, the reason he skipped death.

I lean down and grab Jax's face and kiss him. I don't know what came over me but my possessive side came out. I clearly caught him completely off guard as he turns to me to ask.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" as he pats my leg.

I nod at him and follow him through to Abel's nursery.

"What's the matter?" I ask as I put my beer down

"Nothing. It's just- Look, Wendy's like a heartbeat sober. We don't want to do anything to set her off."

Oh god here we go.

"Because she's still in love with you?" I ask him straight faced and pissed.

"No. I'm just saying we should be cool with whatever this is around her, you know?"

"Whatever this is?" I gesture with my hands between me and him.

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't … You are so full of shit! God! You think I care about her stability? She will always be un stable. She nearly killed your son. Me? I'm completely stable yet your treating me like I'm the one that needs to be sectioned. You're pathetic" I'm pointing at myself and I turn around to walk away.

"Cara." He calls me and grabs my arm.

"No!" I yell at him and I turn around, lose control and slap him across the face.

"Cara!"

I run down the hallway getting weird looks from everyone, we probably caused a commotion and I honestly don't give a shit if Wendy heard what I said about her. Opie gives me a concerning look asking me if I'm ok, I grab my bag and hold my hand up to Opie and I slam the door behind me.

As I drive down the street I hear a bike and realise Jax sent one of his minions to follow me, god he sends me in such a rage, he tests me. Does he think I have robot feelings? I keep driving down a street I don't know until my tears gets too much and I have to pull over.

I'm sobbing uncontrollably I'm so angry. It angers me that he cares for her when she doesn't deserve the attention. Most of all it makes me angry that he told me he wasn't avoiding 'this'. Yet tonight he was avoiding all of it. I try to gather my emotions so I can continue driving home until a rush of sirens run pass me where I pulled over. I feel an unsure feeling, the kind of feeling I get when I'm in surgery and the operation isn't going to plan. Similar to failure but this felt panicky like that night with Kohn.

I follow the sirens until I'm led to a scene surrounded by cop cars and ambulance, the lights are so bright I can barely make out what's happened. I see David so I rush over to him to see if there's anything I can do to help since there's only paramedics at the scene. Once he spots me he starts running towards me which is strange, he holds up his hands.

"Cara."

"What's going on? Do you need my help?" Then I start hearing the bikes.

"Cara, Its Donna." Donna? She was at the party when I left.

"What do you mean?" My heart starts beating fast I feel it in my mouth.

Unser comes up behind hale "C'mon sweetheart lets go over here shall we?"

"No! Tell what's happened." They won't answer me; they don't know what to say. I start running closer to the scene but there's tape. I spot Opie cradling Donna, blood running from her head, eyes wide open. I jump over the tape and I hear Unser yelling at the cops telling them its ok for me to go but I don't turn back.

"omg" I whisper to myself. I bring my hand to cover my mouth. Donna is dead. By the looks of things, been killed.

I start waking nearer slowly and I see Jax - he looks torn and Clay is behind him cursing under his breath.

"What happened Jax" I ask him shaking and I don't even notice I'm crying again until I taste the tears in my mouth.

"I dunno some guy just rolled up behind her and shot her through the back window." He's crying but not as much as me. "Help me get Ope." He asks me, but I look at Opie and he doesn't want to let go of Donna.

I leave Jax's side and I lean down to Opie and I put my arms around him and I feel Jax have his hands on me.

"Hey, hey buddy look at me. You gotta put her down Ope. Ok? I say through the tears. He doesn't even look up at me, he can't take his eyes of Donna.

"No no no no. Oh god, baby."

"Hey, c'mon man" Jax tells him

"I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry." Opie is telling Donna's lifeless body, pulling her closer and closer.

"Shit" I say to myself, I look up at Jax and I shake my head at him like this is bad, how did it get to this?

Opie finally let's go and Jax helps pull him up and the police start body bagging her up.

I go over to Agent Stahl, catch her eyes and say "This bloods on you" and she just stares at me blankly knowing exactly what I meant.

We finally got Opie to leave the scene and Jax helped me bring him home. Mary was there with the kids but thankfully they were asleep. Opie went to kiss them goodnight whilst just me and Jax stood in the living room.

"I think I'm gonna stay here tonight, I know Opie doesn't really wanna talk but I wanna be there when the kids wake up. I tell Jax

"Yeah, good idea." He looks at me and can see I'm trying to hold it together but I can't.

I start crying again and Jax grabs me in for a hug. I talk into his cut. "Why does shit like this happen to good people Jax?"

"I wish I knew." He whispers into the top of my head.

I pull away, look at him and say "Something tells me somebody does" The look he gives me is worry.

He kisses me on the head ignoring what I said and asks "You sure you're gonna be alright?" he nods towards the kitchen where Mary is fishing around for something strong to drink.

"Yeah, don't worry."

"I'll come by first thing tomorrow ok?"

I nod at him as he lets go of my hand and walks out the front door and rides away.

I go through to the kitchen where Mary has a glass of bourbon waiting for me on the counter, I take a sip and she has almost finished hers.

"Donna was a good girl."

I don't say anything I just keep sipping whatever this is to numb some of what I'm feeling.

"You being here will be good for Opie and the kids."

"That your way of saying you want to get back to your own life?"

"This is my life." She tells me.

"I'm not up for a fight Mary."

"When did you start calling me by my first name?"

"A long time ago, it just took you so long to notice." I finish of my drink with one last gulp and start walking through to the bathroom.

I throw water over my face in the bathroom and when I walk through to the bedroom the kids are sound asleep and Opie is sat on the edge of the bed still. I sit down next to him and tell him "I'm gonna sleep here with the kids, that ok?"

He just nods back at me and I don't want to bother him anymore, he needs to heal his own way. I lay down on the bed next to Ellie and it takes me a while to fall asleep and I hear Opie leave the room. I lay there for a while still in shock, thinking about how this is going to work - Me here and how my future looks. Not even three months back and someone I love and have known pretty much my whole life is killed.

When I wake up tomorrow these kids won't have a mother, my brother won't have a wife and I don't know where I fit in with all of this.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

It was late morning when Jax got here. The house felt weird and my heart felt empty. Opie told the kids about what happened outside in the garden a couple of hours ago and he hasn't left them since. To be honest I don't even know if they really understand what really happened to their mom, one day she was here then the next she's not – and none of us have a reason why to tell them.

I barely slept last night, I kept over thinking how the next couple of months, years are going to plan by. I feel more uneasy than ever and completely out of my depth. When things like this happen that cause this must hurt and distress I feel as though I want to distance myself from it – then that causes more problems.

Me and Mary have been cleaning up most of the morning in silence, just the odd snarky comment here and there from her of course.

Jax greets me with a kiss.

"Morning. You sleep okay?"

I can feel Marys presence strong from over in the kitchen corner.

"Yeah, you don't need to worry about me."

"Yeah right" he jokingly replies, he takes his eyes off me and looks to the witch in the corner. "Hey Mary."

"Hey Jax, Good to see you." They hug each other.

"Where's Ope?" Jax turns to me to ask.

"He's out back. With the kids." I tell him and I get back to the dishes.

He strokes my arm as he walks past me towards the back yard.

"So, are you childhood sweethearts back together?"

"It's complicated. Not that it's any of your business anyway" I tell her and I start to wipe down the kitchen table.

"That's the life of an Old Lady – complicated. Being married to your dad was always complicated."

"No, you are complicated." I told her bluntly.

She slammed down her coffee mug "I didn't get myself banged up in jail for years at a time and leave my kids who were still infants at the time and not give a shit about the consequences."

"But you still left." I told her the truth and I grabbed my bag and went to work.

This morning I told myself I would need to take a personal day to make sure Opie and the kids where ok but Mary drove me into leaving, the way she went on and on. Nothing that woman can say can make my opinion change about her.

I just got out of surgery and I was signing some post op paper work when Jax turned up again just as I was thinking about him and I felt that it was time we needed to talk.

"Can I have a minute?" I ask him.

I take him into a small waiting room and we sit down.

"Anybody know what happened yet?" I ask him about the events that just happened.

"No. Look, I know you're busy. I just wanted to come by make sure you were all right." Jax said trying to change the topic of conversation.

"Again? Mmm, I appreciate that. I'm sorry about last night, slapping you storming off like that. We never really discussed our fight, what went down."

"It's okay." He told me and it was time to speak out, no longer could I hold it in.

"No, it's not okay. Nothing is okay." Suddenly a wave of emotions just crept up on me and my mind was ready to get out all that I wanted to say. "Like, the last few weeks, l- I tried to follow your lead. You know, find some kind of compartment to put all this stuff in. But I just- l- I can't. Jax I don't sleep. I'm more scared now than I ever was. My sister in- law was just murdered. I've seen her twice since I got back here, do you know shit and guilty I feel? Like did I not see the signs of something?" I start wiping away my tears "And I'm scared of getting caught, I'm scared of not getting caught."

I grab Jax's hand giving him some comfort, giving myself comfort.

"None of this is your fault Cara."

"We got away with murder, what does that make me?" I ask him

"A survivor."

God, I love him with all my heart that's why this is making this so hard.

"I think you're a good man with a big heart. I believe you try to do as much good as you can – I know you do, I've known you my whole life. I- I don't think I am cut out for the life that was given to me."

"Cara" he pulls away from my hands and stands up, I stand up with him.

"No Jax, you have to understand. I lived a completely different life in Chicago. I come back home and the realization sets in that this is my original life and do you know how much that scares the shit out of me? Not only for my reputation at this hospital but for us and how we can juggle all the shit that is thrown at us to test our relationship." I take a breath and go on "I called Chicago Presbyterian today and they said they'd take me back. And I think it's the best choice, but I don't want to give up on us Jax – not like the last time.

"Don't you get tired of it? Running?" Jax yells at me

"I'm not running." I shout back "I'm-I'm just being realistic, Jax."

"Call it whatever you want. Your life is a series of hit-and-runs. The minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable tests your loyalty, little Cara packs her bags and hits the road.

Well, I guess you got what you wanted from me, right? Used me to do your dirty work."

"That's not fair!"

"Not fair? You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last 10 years?"

"Don't do this" I don't know what he's been up too, I don't really want to know either.

"Hundreds! Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces."

"Jax please stop" I tell him quietly; I can't control my tears.

"I married Wendy because I was lonely, because I got tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a sad time-out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see."

The more I look at his hurt face I cry a little more.

"When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me - Like my past coming around giving me another shot to do this different. Better, and now that chance is running back to Chicago."

"Jax" I can barely get any words out

"You take care, Doc." He tells me and he leaves. He leaves me just like I was going to leave him for the second time.

It had been nearly over a week since Donna died and today was her funeral. Despite being there for Opie and the kids and trying to help with the funeral arrangements I haven't seen Jax. I called him, he didn't answer – I missed him.

Over these past seven days I've thought about what to do, where I belong.

I belong here – in Charming. My family needs me more than ever I just need to get over the paranoia of living my life under samcro and try to trust Jax and others.

I was reading John's manuscript Jax gave to me before I had to help Opie get the kids ready.

I felt as though it would bring me some comfort after all that's happened because when he was alive that's when I felt samcro was good and safe. John always knew what he wanted even through the tough times. I was stuck reading over and over one of the passages he wrote that stuck out too me.

"When we take action to avenge the ones we love,

personal justice collides with social and divine justice.

We become judge, jury and god.

With that choice comes daunting responsibility.

Some men cave under that weight, others abuse the momentum.

The true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in his heart and the reason in his mind.

The solution is always an equal mix of might and right."

When John talked about the passion an outlaw can have in his heart I truly believed he was right. I saw the passion Jax had in his for his club and for me. Balancing them both just isn't too easy – that's why I feel I need to let more of the samcro in me out and let more of it in.

I struggled to keep it together as I pleated Ellie's hair, Donna wasn't here to do it anymore and I wasn't going to be able to do it every day. Kenny had on a tie that Mary put on him – I watched Opie take it off and it amused me because it was her that put it on.

When we got the clubhouse where the funeral car and bikes would be leaving from and I hoped Jax would be here but so far I couldn't see him and I felt disappointed.

I was staring at Donna's coffin completely trying my very best to hold it together for the kids and Opie. I always felt like Donna was the sister I never had, she just blended in so well with me and Ope and she loved my dad and surprisingly even my mom.

"You okay?" Gemma creeps up on me to ask.

"I don't know, it's hard Gemma."

"Yeah, loss will feel like that. You gotta stay strong for your family."

Ugh that is such an Old Lady thing to say, whenever my dad would go to jail that's what she would always tell me. At 12 years old I didn't think it was my duty to pull it together for everyone else because I was the child, but now I don't have a choice.

"You've been here a lot." She brings up.

"Just helping out with funeral arrangements" partly I lied, I was here to check on Jax.

"mmhhm."

Fuck it, I was just going to ask her.

"Jax ok? He's not answering my calls."

"I don't know sweetheart. He's not been home the past few nights to look after Abel, god knows what's going on in that boy's head."

"He better be here today."

"Yeah, otherwise you won't be the only one giving him a kick up the ass."

"He will be here; I know he will."

"You worry' bout him don't ya?"

"Of course I do," and I walk off to get ready to go in the car.

"Here" Gemma stops me and grabs something of the bench and hands it to me. Its Jax's cut.

I look at her confused, why hasn't Jax got it?

"He left it in the back room yesterday. I think you should be the one to give it to him, when you see him."

I nod at her "Thanks." And I get in the car next to the kids.

The ride down the cemetery was overwhelming, I held each of the kids hands in the back of the car whilst Opie and Dad led the way. The number of bikes that came here for Donna is incredible, the brother hood is stronger than I thought - John would be proud to see this.

We sit down for the service and burial, I sit next to Opie, dad with mom next to him and the kids on Opies other side while Gemma sits next to me and Clay stands behind. I clutch onto Jax's cut – he still hasn't turned up and I'm beginning to worry and wonder why he isn't here to support his best friend.

My thoughts are brought to a hault when suddenly everyone's attention is drawn towards my left. It's Jax strolling towards us – Finally. All eyes are then on me when I stand up with his cut and leave the service to walk to him.

He looks tired and rough and he has a cut on his lip, when I approach him I don't say anything I just hold out his cut for him to put on, when he puts it on he turns around to face me. This is the first time I have seen him in a week since our fight at the hospital, I've never been this glad to see him since I came back too Charming. He leans in to kiss me and I lean forward to kiss him back despite the blood on his face. I don't care, I'm just glad he's here and he's not ignoring me.

"You good?" I ask

"Yeah." He squeezes my arm and walks towards the coffin, grabs a flower, kisses it and puts it down on top of Donna. I'm still standing where we once where but he walks past me in the direction of Johns coffin, I stand there for a while before I decided to follow him, still I feel everyone's eyes burning my back.

Jax is sat on top of Johns head stone when I get to him. I squeeze his shoulder and he reaches over to squeeze back my hand. We don't need to say anything, he knows I'm here to stay and support, despite our most recent conversation at the hospital.

My dad appears out of nowhere and we both turn around to him. He hands Jax a copy of a manuscript that looks similar to the one Jax gave me.

"Time for a change." He tells Jax.

"Yeah" Jax agrees with him and then dad walks off.

For the first time since the Kohn thing I felt like this was a new beginning. I felt like whatever was going to happen next for Charming was on the right path. For samcro and for me and Jax.

 **Hey to whoever is enjoying readying this so far! Thank you for doing so! I would love feedback on how you think it's going, I'm really enjoying writing. I have loads of cool ideas for the next lot of chapters. Hope you look forward to reading them!**


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

It's been three weeks since the funeral, all in all four weeks since Donna's death. Believe it or not, things have been great. Me and Jax haven't had to jump through any hurdles yet. I've been spending almost every night at Jax's house helping out with Abel. Even me and Gemma have been getting along.

As for Opie he's been out of town, trying to clear his head. It bugs me that he isn't spending time with his kids the way he should be, he's the only parent they have left. Therefore, Mary is still in town to help out and unfortunately when I want to see the kids she is there.

I asked Gemma to bring by Abel to run some last minute tests.

"He's perfect." I tell her

"The echoes?"

"Absolutely clean. CBCs, CMPs were all normal. His weight needs to come up a little. Other than that"

"He's still real fussy with the feedings." Gemma says

"Could be the lactose, we can try a soy base."

"I don't wanna turn him into a little vegan pussy."

I laugh and joke "He can drink it in his wife beater onesie."

"Oh. Dr. Funny."

"How's his sleep apnea? - You're there pretty much every night."

"Times I'm there, he is sleeping fine." We got lucky with that.

"Good." She nods at me and smiles down at Abel in the car seat.

"I gotta call Jax, let him know everything is ok. I'll catch you later?"

"Sure thing Doc."

I smile at her and start ringing Jax's cell, I'm excited to talk to talk to him. When he answers I'm the first to talk.

"Hey, baby."

"How's the kid?" he jumps straight into asking.

"That is one tough little man, Lab work is all good. Heart and tummy looking strong."

"That's great." He say seeming a little off.

"You okay?" I ask him

"Yeah. I'm just in the middle of it."

"Am I gonna see you later?"

"I don't know. I gotta drop something in Hayward. And then we got Bobby's party. You gonna come? Would be good for him to see you. Gemma said she'd stay with the kid."

"Yeah I'll come by."

"Okay. That'd be good."

"Wait, before you go I wanted to ask you if you have heard from Opie at all?"

"Yeah err actually he came back today."

"Really? Well erm I'll pop by and see him later"

"He'll be at the party; you can see him then."

"Yeah right if of course, well I'll see you later, Love you." I tell him

"I love you too." He tells me back and my heart melts.

We started telling each other that we loved one another right after Donna's funeral because it just felt right. Our feelings where clear and the timing was perfect. We were lying in bed one night and I was reading Johns manuscript, out of the blue he turned to me and said "I love you" I said it back and we didn't need to discuss it further.

I decide to not wait till the party to see Opie so I drive over to his house on my lunch break where he's fixing something up in the garage with dad.

"Hey stranger!" I tell him and he looks pleased to see me and jumps right into a hug.

"Hey sis."

"I keep telling him to get out this damn garage and go see his kids." Dad interrupts us.

"Dad" I tell him off.

"No Cara its gotta be said. I don't give a shit how bad you feel Ope. You need to pull your sad little head out of your ass and go be a father. I'm tired of carrying your damn water, boy. It ain't your fault. And it sure as hell ain't theirs." He yells then storms off to his bike.

"Love you too, pop" Opie says to himself.

"Well that was … unexpected."

Opie doesn't say anything and gets back to the bike he was trying to fix.

"You know; I can hear a little bit of sense in what he's saying."

"If you are here to give me a lecture about how to bring up my damn kids then you can get going too."

"Look, I'm not. It's just, don't you wanna prove to our mother through there that you can actually look after your kids? If I had a kid I would."

He looks so pissed. I hold my hands up at him "Just saying."

"I'm getting shit done, ok?"

"You mean like pre retaliation?"

"Actually, I was talking about the bike. I'm not discussing club business with you. You're an old lady."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"My wife died."

Just then Mary came walking through from the back.

"Why don't you just give him a minute Cara." She tells me.

"Oh please, why don't you do us all a favour and shut the fuck up."

And I figured that was my que to leave so I got back in my car and went back to work.

It was time for Bobby's party, when I turned up it was already getting roudy and so was Bobby himself. On my way to find Jax, Bobby comes staggering towards me.

"It's good to have you back Bobby"

"It's good to be back Darlin" and we both hug eachother. "There' someone verrry special waitin for you in there."

"ooo really?" and I start laughing, pat him on the back and headed towards the clubhouse.

Jax is standing by the pool table area smoking next to Tig and Chibs.

"There she is" Jax says to me and lifts me off the ground in a hug. He leans down and kisses me "missed ya"

"You gonna hand me a beer or what?" I ask him and all the guys start laughing.

"Anything for you." He winks and grabs me one from the bar.

Jax puts his arm around me

"I went to see Opie." I tell him and take a sip of my beer.

"Where?"

"At his house? Where else?"

"Aw just wondered that's' all."

"What's going on?"

"Nothin" he stands behind me kisses me on the neck and starts massaging my shoulders. "Just relax"

"mmhmm"

He leans down to my ear to say "I'm gonna head soon, you comin?"

"But I just got here?"

"Did you really wanna come in the first place?"

"True" I say and turn around to face him. "I'm gonna go find Gemma first then I'll meet you back at the house?"

"You willingly want to talk to my mom? You're really stepping out of your comfort zone today don't ya think Doc."

"Oh shut up" I tell him and kiss him on the lips and go find Gemma.

Gemma is in the church room with Clay when I find her.

"Sorry to interrupt but I'm gonna call it a night soon and was wondering if I could talk to you for a sec." I say look at Gemma. 

"Well I know when I'm not wanted" Clay jokes "Good night Cara" he tells me on his way out the door.

"Goodnight" I tell him back and I close the door.

"Everything ok?" Gemma asks me

"I just wanted to run something by you actually."

"Rigghht."

"How do you um – how do you know when someone is lying to you."

"I know a lot of things Cara but that's a trick question right?"

"No I mean like with –"

"Would ya just come out and say it? Gemma ushers me

"I think Jax is lying to me about something."

"Like what?"

"Well I think maybe with Ope. When I mentioned going to see him he was all on edge and stand offish"

"That's weird" she says and put her hands on her hips.

"Yeah"

"Probably club shit. Does he tell you anything?"

"Not really, I mean I don't ask. I have a rough idea of what goes on"

"You need to decide if you want to know everything or nothing. Either one – that's it."

"So I've just gotta hit the nail on the head?"

"Yeah, sometimes it's easy if you do it in the moment like sucking his cock or something, when he's weak and vulnerable you know?"

"I am not doing that. Like ever"

"You'll figure it out."

"I hope"

She walks more towards me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Go home to your man, Cara."

And that's exactly what I do.

When I get back to Jax's house he's in the shower and he's left the door wide open and all his dirty clothes on the floor. This is the life I now live, picking up laundry and having to tell him to shut the bathroom door in case the nanny walks in.

I smile at his naked body and lean down to pick up his stuff from the floor to put it in the dryer, I stop when I feel something a little damp coming from his jean pocket. When I pull it out it's his handkerchief covered in blood. Now I feel like I know what he's being hiding.

He begins to come out of the shower and wraps a towel around his hips when he looks at me he notices what I'm holding.

"You wonder why I run away from shit all the time?"

He looks down.

"It's because I don't trust anyone. If you had just told me what you've been getting up to which clearly involves my brother because of your awkward responses – we wouldn't be in this situation right now."

"You wanna know?"

"Yeah, I do. And not just what you think I can handle. All of it."

He takes the handkerchief from my hand and says "I helped your brother kill a man today – retaliation for Donna. Shot him in the head."

I don't know what to say.

"The reason I acted strange when you said you wanted to see Ope was because I didn't know where he would be and what state he would be in. I didn't want you walking into somethin and I didn't know if it was my place to tell you what we did."

I still don't know what to say.

He wipes his face and tells me. "I'm going to bed."

I'm left standing in the door way of the bathroom. I want to tell him is ok for what he did, I mean really I expected it but after what he just told me it tallied it all up and I didn't have a reason to yell at him anymore.

When I go through to the bedroom he is asleep on the bed. I climb next to him too put my arm around his waist, I woke him so he grabs my arm and kisses my hand.

I whisper into the back of his head. "Thank you" and shortly fall asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

I loved waking up next to Jax, it was nice to have these moments to ourselves. I loved that he would bring me coffee in bed and sometimes we would have amazing morning sex. This morning was defiantly one of those kind of mornings.

We showered together and while I got dressed and dried my hair Jax was making a few phone calls in the kitchen. He's still on the phone when I walk through, I kiss him on the cheek and open to fridge to get out the milk.

"Everything ok?" I ask Jax as he hangs up to whoever he was on the phone too

"Gemma got in a car accident last night, that was Unser - he's got her at his house."

"What? Why the hell is she not in the hospital?" I asks shocked

"Apparently she doesn't think she needs too."

"Well we'll see about that. C'mon we should get to Unsers." I grab my keys and Jax drives my car over there.

Once we get through the door at Unsers already I can see Gemma definitely needs to go to the hospital.

"Jesus Christ mom. What happened? I'm gonna call Clay" Jax says

"No please don't call him! Not yet. It's not a big deal - I lost control, one of my headlights went out I couldn't see right. I'm okay"

"Gemma you need stitches, let me check you in at the hospital." I tell her as I sit down next to her to get a closer look but she turned to me and say

"I was thinking you could just check me in the bathroom first."

"Yeah of course, c'mon" I say hesitantly and unsure why she suggested that and I help to get her up of the couch.

When we get through to the bathroom Gemma sits down on the toilet seat.

"Cara. Didn't you see I was trying to call you?" she asks; why would she call me first?

"I haven't checked my phone; I've been enjoying my morning other people free."

"I didn't crash my car." She just threw out there.

"What?" I was starting to get really confused. What did happen then?

"Unser found me in a warehouse, tied up to some chains. I've been there all night – I was pulled off the road by some girl, she knocked me out. When I woke up I was being beaten by these guys"

"Wait slow down … Did they" she knew what I was asking,

"Yeah. That's why I called you, you only."

"Gemma I still can't check you over here. Let me take you to the hospital we don't have to put it on record I will say that we were bringing in Abel or something."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I need to make sure you are okay."

"Cara, you can't tell Jax, or Clay. No one knows about this. Okay?"

"You're just gonna have them believe you got in a car accident?"

I really didn't like the idea of lying to Jax, especially after the conversation we had in the bathroom last night.

"Yeah. The club is dealing with other shit right now; they don't need this."

"These guys that did this. Are they connected? To the club?" I ask her making sure my voice is quiet enough that Jax doesn't hear.

"I think so, I recognised some tats"

"Gemma somehow I don't think telling them will just cause them more grieve. You are Clay's wife; he'll drop any club business for you."

"Cara, just promise me not to say anything."

"Okay." I promised her and questioned myself what the hell was I doing?

We got to the hospital and straight away I checked Gemma all over, she had been banged up pretty bad.

I take off my gloves and get her to close her legs and sit up "There's a number of small tears. It's nothing that won't heal on its own, We'll start you on antibiotics right away." She looked worried when I told her

"It's standard procedure to treat for chlamydia and gonorrhea even before the test results are back, you're gonna be okay"

Just then there was a knock at the door, it was Unser letting us know Clay was here.

"I don't wanna see him, not yet." Gemma says

"I'll talk to him." I tell Gemma before she starts freaking out

When I leave the room and go around the corner they are all waiting there, including Jax.

"What's going on? is she okay?" Clay asks me straight away.

"Yeah." Quick Cara think of something to say that's related to a car crash "Um When she hit the barrier, she took a pretty good shot to the face. There's some swelling. I have to run a few more tests but she's gonna be fine."

"But it's nothing serious?" Clay questions.

"No."

"Can I see her?"

"It's gonna be a little while." I lie.

"Oh, my God. I can't believe this shit." Clay said

"You're telling me" Jax says

"I appreciate you taking care of her, Cara."

"Oh, of course." I tell him and Jax comes over to kiss me

"Thank you" He says and a smile at him and tell him "I'll come by see you later I just gotta sign some paperwork."

"Okay, I love you"

"I love you too" I tell him

I took Gemma home and she just wanted to sleep so I headed to see Jax at the club house. When I got there I seen him sat up on the roof smoking and reading. I go through the club house and up to the stairs that lead to the roof. Jax spots me instantly.

"Been a long time since I've been up here." I tell Jax as I take a look around

"Manage the stairs ok?" he jokes at me

"ha ha very funny." I say as I sit down next to him on the ledge and he kisses me on the cheek and puts his large hand on my thigh.

"My mom get home ok?"

"Yeah she's at the house with Neeta and Abel. She's just tired, gonna sleep it off."

"You're amazing you know that?" he tells me

"Stop" I start blushing at his compliment.

"You are, you run around saving lives every day and here you are just sat on a stupid roof with a stupid guy."

"You're not stupid." I start stroking his face, pulling his hair out of it. "You're my man. You're the toughest guy I know."

"I'll take that."

"I love you." I tell him and kiss his knuckles.

He puts his arms around me and says "Yeah guess I love you too."

I giggle at him and we kiss, long and passionate and despite how crap of a day it's been this moment makes it all feel better.

The next day me and Jax took a ride down by a spot we always used to hang out.

When we were in high school me and Jax used to skip class a lot, Jax and Opie where two grades above me and all the teachers kept saying they were a bad 'influence'. One time me and Jax took a 12 pack of beers and rode on his bike down to the Santa Barbara beach. Some locals complained about us skinny dipping in the sea, the police came and brought us back too charming and charged for underage drinking and a disturbance. Gemma had to bail us out. All together me and Jax were arrested three times together, not something I'm proud of that's for sure.

It's a miracle I actually made it into med school, but I worked my ass off during finals. That's when mine and Jax's relationship was tested the most.

Me and Jax laid down on the grass after out ride and it felt really nice, I was reading my own book while Jax was writing something down.

"What you writing babe?" I ask him and he answers me by questioning

"What you reading?" he asks me

"Why you so secretive Mr Teller?" and I give him the eyebrow.

"I'm just writing down some things. Nothing that interesting to you anyway."

I turn over onto my elbows and asks him "You want me to spell check it for you?"

"ha ha your hilarious." He says and closes his journal.

"I know." I smile at him "You hungry?"

"A little, got a porterhouse right here for you baby." And he grabs my hand and slaps it on his package.

"Omg stop, real mature"

"Yeah, what you got for me?" he leans over me and starts un buttoning my shirt.

"Here?" I ask him and gaze around

"Just me and you, never stopped us before."

"Right, just I can't seem to remember, it wasn't that memorable for me" I joke

"Shhh" he shut's me up with a kiss and he continues un buttoning my shirt.

It was getting really hot and heavy and I wanted him so bad until we were rudely interrupted by his phone ringing. I grab it out of his back pocket and recognise the number.

I hold it up to him and tell him "porn hotline"

He answers the phone and I can tell from the kind of conversation he's having that we aren't going to be continuing here.

"Chlamydia outbreak?" I jokingly ask him with a hint of seriousness.

"I'll take you home"

"No, take me with you." I say as I tug on his beard.

"Yeah?" he asks me

"Yeah" I bite my lip at him in reply

When we arrive at CaraCara the porn studio samcro are in business with Jax rushes inside to sort out whatever is going on and that bitch Ima turns up in her tacky car with her tacky face and her tacky outfit.

Then Gemma turns up followed by Clay and some of the guys and then all hell breaks loose.

"What the hell you doing here?" Clay asks Gemma and Tig takes a seat on Jax's bike next to me.

"Luann called, she's freaking out." Gemma tells him

"It's club business. You've got no reason to intervene."

"What intervene? She's my friend, she needs to talk."

"Oh, so when she wants to talk, you what? Drop everything?"

"Jesus Christ. What, are you 3?"

"Get back to the garage."

"Excuse me?"

"Last thing I need is for you running diva over a goddamn come factory."

"Asshole." Gemma starts walking towards the door and next thing I know Clay is throwing a god damn brick through her car window.

"You stupid piece of shit!"

I decide to run inside and find Jax.

"Jax!" I run around looking for him, when I find him Ima stops me in my tracks

"He's occupied, honey. You should wait outside like you were told." She told me and just before I was about to grab that bitches neck Jax intervenes.

"Okay, I'm sorry, She's a little out of her mind"

"Well, she's not the only one." I tell him and lead him outside.

"Oh, yeah, come on, badass. Lay a hand on me! I'll slit your goddamn throat! You are pathetic! Don't you touch Don't!" Gemma is yelling at Clay, she is clearly distressed. I go up to her and grab her shoulders to try calm her down.

"Give me your keys, I'll drive you home." I tell her and take the keys and get in the car.

When we are driving it's a quiet atmosphere.

"What happened back there? Are you ok?" I ask her

"He's just so god damn dramatic." She lights a smoke "Ever since what happened I've been putting distance between us, guess that's hitting breaking point."

"Maybe if you just tell – "

"No!"

"Okay, let's calm down and just get home okay?" I tell her, then I get thinking about Ima. "You know that porn star Ima?"

"Yeah what about her?"

"She got a thing for jax?"

"Honey, all those girls in there got a thing for any samcro member that comes through that door."

"She just pisses me off."

"You gotta own that shit. Show her that your man's taken, that's he's not a free piece of meat."

"What like fight her?"

"Yeah, scratch, bite, pull, whatever works" Gemma suggests.

"I'm not 19 anymore, my cat fighting days are behind me" although I could have slammed that bitch to the floor today.

"We'll see." She tells me and throws her smoke out the window and checks herself in the passenger mirror. "Christ, get me a drink."

"Yeah, me too"


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

We were at the club house having coffee, I brought Abel in this morning for some of the guys to see. It's fair to say he was getting all the attention.

"Hey so I was thinking about throwing a family dinner" Gemma tells me as she comes around the corner with a pot of coffee.

"Oh really? When?"

"Maybe some time this week or next?" she suggests

"Yeah, it would be good to get together. We must make sure Opie and the kids are there."

"Yeah, of course." She looks down at Abel as I start feeding him a bottle "How's he doin? Abel?"

"He's great" I tell her

"You got that look in your eyes."

"What look?"

"The I want a baby look."

"No, I'm okay looking after this one for now."

"Okay mom." She tells me and I squint my eyes at her large grin.

"Good morning ladies" Clay says as he comes out the church, followed by everyone else – including Opie.

"Hey babe" Jax kisses me, then Abel. "What you doing here this morning?"

"Fancied a change of scenery."

"o-okay" he was sniggering and I look over to Ope who's talking to Chibs.

"I didn't know Opie was attending meetings." I say to Jax.

"He's been at the last few."

"Jax" I give him the eyes of tell me the truth.

"He's getting more involved okay? If I'm honest I don't think his heart is in it I just think he wants to distract himself." Jax says and starts sipping my coffee.

"God." I sigh at Jax and start burping Abel over my shoulder.

"I was thinking about heading over to their house today to start clearing out some of Donna's stuff. It needs to be done."

"Yeah, I don't have much on today. Just a few things, how about I head over and give you a hand."

"Yeah?" I ask him

"Yeah, I'll be there to make you laugh through the tough times like I always do." He's joking with me.

"Right." I tell him as I get up off the bar stool and hand Abel to him.

… … … ….. …. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. …. ….. …

We've been at Donna and Opie's a while now, Jax has been helping out, so has Gemma and unfortunately Mary is here but not being much help.

We were looking through old pictures when we were down to the last few boxes. There were a lot of old ones from when we were kids, some from when we were babies too of me and Opie.

"I didn't know Opie even had these." I say and Jax peers over my shoulder

"Cute." He says and kisses on my cheek.

"Shut up" I tell him "I forgot how curly my hair was" as I look at a picture of me with Opie when I was about five years old.

"Awww, what happened to your cute face?" Gemma jokes

"Your hair was so curly we had to take you to the salon sometimes just to get the nots out. You hated it." Mary piped up and said.

"Where you actually there for that?" I sarcastically asked her.

"Of course, your father was always too intoxicated to drive you" she pointed out.

"Surprised you actually remembered." I mutter under my breath and Jax just looks at me giving me a look off don't start a fight. Mary heard me and out of the blue she comes out with.

"You know what I do remember Cara? Piney coming home drunk and high every night. I remember that." She starts shaking and I can see tears forming in her eyes. "I remember the women or shall I say crow eaters I would sometimes find in our kitchen drink our coffee whilst he was passed out on the couch and I was trying to get you and Ope ready for school. I remember all the sleepless nights. I remember spending them by your side, holding you and your brother all night because I was scared of who would show up at the door looking for your father, or me even."

I looked at Jax completely caught off guard. She kept going.

"And I remember when Piney called to tell me you had left Charming to go to Chicago and I never felt more relieved about something in my whole life." She stopped to take a breath "I know you think I gave up being a mother but sometimes I was left with no choice."

"There shouldn't have to be a choice when it comes to your kids."

"Well by the point you reached about fifteen and Opie wasn't even living at home anymore there wasn't much else I could do." She wipes her tears and says "I'm sorry" she walked towards the door grabbed her bag and keys and said "I'm gonna go pick up the kids from school, you should have this cleared so they don't have to see it when they come home." And she closed the door behind me and I was completely dumbfounded by what she just said.

"Well that ain't a Mary I've ever heard." Gemma said from behind.

"Yeah me either." I say and sit down. "I didn't know she felt that way – I mean I know it wasn't easy for her but that's not an excuse for leaving us when we were kids."

"You got that right." Gemma said from behind again.

"It doesn't change the way I feel about her." I tell Gemma and Jax.

"It'll be okay babe." He tells me and kisses me on the head. "C'mon let's dump some of this stuff in the trunk and put the rest away before round two starts."

I nod at him and we get to work.

…. …. … …. … … … … … …. … … …. 

I was lying in bed with Jax that night when I couldn't get what happened with Mary earlier on today out of my head.

Jax was sound asleep so I crept out of bed and left him a note to say I was going for a walk and before I left I checked on Abel.

I decided to go over to Opie and Donna's where Mary was just to try and clear some air and tell her I understand what she was saying. I hoped she would still be up.

When I arrived there I could see one of the bedroom lights was on. I knocked on the door since it was locked and I heard footsteps coming down the hall and Mary answered.

"Hey" I say to her

"What you doin here at this time?" she questions me

"Are you gonna let me in or what?" and she opens the door wider for me to get in.

Getting off to a great start.

We walk through to the kitchen and she starts boiling tea on the stove, I stop her to say.

"I think we might need something a little stronger."

"Right." She agrees and grabs a bottle of Opie's whiskey out the bottom cupboard.

She pours us both a drink and I down mine straight away and pour another and start the conversation.

"I didn't come here to fight, just so you know." I start off with.

"Good to hear."

"I just wanted to say I understand why you said what you said today."

"I don't know where it came from." She tells me

"I do" and I look up at her "It came from that weight you've been carrying, I carried a similar one the past 10 years."

"You did?"

"Yeah" I say and look down at my glass "You know I have criticised you for leaving your family behind, your responsibilities. Yet I did the same – I know I didn't have responsibilities like you but I left the man I loved, the man I should have been more loyal too."

"You got him back though"

"Yeah I guess I got lucky" and I take another drink.

"And you did it for a good reason. You got an amazing career out of it. I'm proud of you for that."

"Really?"

"Yeah I know it's a shock to hear it come out of my mouth but I am. I've never been really good at expressing my feelings like Gemma is, your father is lucky I even told him I loved him at our wedding."

"Woah. That's a little cold." And I started laughing and she joined in, next thing I know where are laughing hysterically over something that isn't even that funny.

"Well I should get home, Jax will be wondering where I am."

"You gotta lead him down the right path Cara, don't do what I did and watch him self-destruct."

"I won't" and I smile at her "Goodnight"

"Goodnight" she tells me back and leave, back to Jax in bed.

… … … … …. ….. …. …. ….. ….. …. …. ….

The next morning Jax is rushing about getting ready, I'm looking forward to having another day off and Abel is still sleeping.

I walk through to the bedroom with my coffee where Jax is pulling on his jeans and shirt.

"What's the run?" I ask him

"Blood drive - Children's hospital, Eureka."

"Samcro, community servants." I wink at him

"It's what we're all about, baby." And he winks back

"Yeah." I say we start kissing until we hear Abel crying.

"Mm. My boy, the master of timing" he looks back at me and tells me "I love you."

"I love you too."

"I got him." Jax assures me and within a couple of minutes he brings Abel back through to the bathroom.

Jax sits down on the bed with a bottle and begins feeding Jax.

"Where did you go last night?"

"I went on a drive and ended up at Opie's talking to Mary."

"Oh no" he instantly replies.

"No no its okay, we talked. Figured out some stuff"

"Really?" he seemed shocked.

"Yeah, I mean she's not exactly gonna be taking me shopping anytime soon – or at all really, but I told her I understand what she was saying." I sit next to him and start stroking Abel's head. What about you?" I kiss his shoulder "You got stuff to figure out with any one?"

"You mean Clay?" he asks me "Ever since he put us into business with CaraCara and combining that with the guns we ain't exactly been on the same page."

"Shouldn't you all be on the same page to make these things work?"

"Exactly."

"You'll figure it out. You always do"

"Yeah, hopefully." He smiles down at Abel and Abel smiles back making us both laugh happily and I lean my head on Jax's shoulder savouring this moment.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

I was on the night shift and it was really busy, that's why when my pager went I was thinking 'what could it be now?!'

"I got your page" I ask Margaret when I get to reception

"Chief Unser is looking for you." she tells me and I can't help but wonder why

"Is everything okay?"

"You tell me. You seem to get a lot of visitors. Both sides of the law." She tells me and I roll my eyes to go find Unser, he's around the corner when I get there.

"Chief?"

"Didn't mean to pull you away from anything."

"No its okay, I mean it is pretty hectic here today but what is it?"

"Gemma." He says

"Something happen? "

"She's out of sorts, only matter of time before she hurts someone, herself. But, not sure how to help her. She has to talk to somebody about what happened."

"I tried Unser …. you care about her a lot don't you?"

"I've known her since she's 12. Heh, me and Emily Koza's the ones tried to talk her out of running away, she split when she was 16. Came back 10 years later with a baby and a motorcycle club. Sort of like you did, except without the baby and such."

"Yeah, thanks" I laugh at him

"You and Jax seem to be doing okay."

"Yeah, we're trying to figure it out. What do you make of us? The doctor and the biker?" I trusted his opinion.

"Seen stranger pairings, but it ain't that odd. You're a first nine's daughter not some outsider" he was saying before we were interrupted.

"Uh, excuse me. Cardio Respiratory tech is looking for you." A nurse came and told me

"Thank you, I'll be there in a sec" and I turn back towards Unser.

"Don't think on it too hard, doc, come across something that don't make you miserable enjoy it."

"Okay." I pat him on the back and get back to work.

… …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. … …. … ….

After my night shift I couldn't sleep due to Jax making such a noise. I went outside to see what he was doing.

When he seen me he asked "Hey babe, did I wake you?"

"Yeah. What the hell are you doing?" I asked annoying and sleep deprived

"Clearing out the garage?"

"Now?" trying to hide how pissed off I am.

"Yeah" and he turns back to what he was doing. He's just being a typical man completely unaware of how much sleep I need and how much noise he is making clearly.

"Okay" and I go inside to get coffee and start the day and it's not long until Gemma turns up.

"Good morning."

"Morning" I say yawning

"You look like shit."

"Thanks. I was working last night, couldn't get much sleep this morning"

"Where's Jax?"

"Doing the thing that woke me up, clearing out the garage."

She laughed but looked in pain when she sat down.

"You still that sore?" I ask her

"Yeah, it's getting worse."

"I'm just so goddamn stiff."

"Are you dry?"

"Like the Mohave vagina." She describes.

"It's the stress, your body isn't producing enough estrogen. I'll write you a prescription."

"Hey, Ma." Jax comes through looking hot and bothered.

"Hi, honey."

"You take a box of clothes from the garage?" Jax asks me

"Haven't done anything out there."

"I'm missing a box." Jax says

"I cleaned some shit out there before the baby came home. There was a box of laundry, had a serious stink to it." Gemma told him.

"Well, where is it?"

"Tossed it. Just a bunch of old T-shirts, funky underwear."

"Why? What are you looking for?"

"An old Harley manual. Hard to find."

"Sorry" Gemma tells him and lights a smoke.

There's a very awkward atmosphere

"Morning, children." Chibs comes charging through the door.

"Hey Chibs." I say

"Thought the prospect was with you." Jax asked him

"No. Wee man goes under the knife today; He's getting his sack filled."

"Excuse me?" I ask

"He's completing himself, Jackie boy - We're supposed to meet Clay."

"I'm ready, Dump these in my truck."

"Pleasure." Chibs tells him and walks out the door.

"See you later." Jax tells Gemma and says "Bye, babe." To me and despite my pissed off mood he kisses me on the lips.

"I'll just start getting ready then I can take you down to the pharmacy?"

"Yeah, please make me feel normal again."

… …. …. …. …. … … … …. …. ….. … ….

Me and Gemma where in the pharmacy. "So I just rub this shit on?" she asks me.

"Yeah, On your wrists, Two pumps, no more. And if you notice a big hormonal spike, it means you've done too much."

"My whole life is a hormonal spike, sweetheart." She told me but then she got distracted by someone down the street and started running off.

"What is it?" I called to her "Gemma" she started running around the corner until I lost sight of her. "Gemma!"

I started walking fast until I caught up with her and I grabbed her shoulders to get her to come back but she swings her elbows back and BANG I feel a hard knock to the face.

"Shit." Gemma says

"Oh my god" I say in pain

"Shit, I'm so sorry."

All I can see is red blood on my hands and coming down my face.

"h man, I'm sorry" Gemma kept saying

"Ugh" this hurts like a bitch.

….. …. … …. …. … … …. …. ….. … …. …

Me and Gemma ended up at the hospital obviously because I had to bandage my broken nose and I was due to start another shift. When I got fixed up I had questions to ask Gemma like who she was chasing. She was sat in the hospital church alone and I went in quietly and sat down next to her.

"Who was the girl?" I ask her but she wouldn't answer "Jesus Christ, Gemma. You have to talk about what happened."

I wasn't going to get anywhere with her unless I opened up to her to let her know it's okay.

"I know what it's like to keep something like this inside."

"I doubt that." She bluntly says back

"You know why I was carrying that gun a few months ago?" I ask her

"The Fed - You got a restraining order didn't you?" 

"Yeah, in Chicago"

"He went after you?" she asked and I nodded not wanting to re live that night but if it's what was going to get Gemma to talk I was willing to.

"Did he rape you?"

"It almost went there; I was able to stop him."

"Jax know?"

"I had to tell someone - I knew it would eat me up if I didn't."

"What did Jax do?" Gemma asks and this is where I had to lie

"Well, there was nothing he could do, Kohn was already gone." Once I said that I know she believed me, even if it was a lie. "My point is you need to get this thing out of your head before you kill someone or get yourself killed."

"How about I make an appointment for you? Talk to someone who doesn't know you"

"A shrink?"

"You're gonna talk to someone, or I'm gonna tell Hale you assaulted me. Throw your crazy ass in jail." I hope this bribe works

"If the tables were reversed. You came to me with what happened. Shit, I would've cut you off a long time ago … so Thank you for what you doing for me the club means a lot"

"You're welcome - You still have to see the shrink. - Main level, Room 114." I squeeze her hand and start walking towards the door to get to work.

"Yes, ma'am."

When Jax got home that evening I was sat in Abel's nursery reading Johns manuscript, its taking me longer than usual to read this till the end because of how busy I am. John said:

"I realized that in my downward spiral of hopelessness, I was actually falling into

the huge hole created by my absence of basic human graces.

The most obvious was forgiveness.

If I was wronged, by anyone, in or out of the club, I had to be compensated,

money or blood.

There was no turning the other cheek.

When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss,

you have no friends, no loved ones…

just pluses and minuses.

You are absolutely alone."

It worried me whatever is going on with Jax and Clay. I know how powerful Clay is and how manipulating he can be. However, Jax is more of a loyal man than Clay will ever be.

"Jesus Christ." Jax yells when I walks into the nursery – I usher at him to be quiet and point to Abel who I finally got to sleep.

"What happened?" he asks with a quieter voice and sits down on the day bed next to me and strokes my face.

"It was nothing, Just stupid."

"Tig said my mom did that?"

"We were on the street, I came up behind her and must have startled her."

"That's a solid shot to the face."

"It was an accident, Jax"

"You know this total-disclosure thing works both ways?"

"I know" I tell him and kiss him


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

We were at the club house that night after Neeta came around to watch Abel. We were just hanging out, enjoying some drinks until there was an explosion from one of the cars and Chibs got caught up in it and hit his head really bad.

"If anyone can take a blast its him" I told the paramedics when they show up and started putting Chibs in the bad of the van. "Update me as soon as you can" and I handed them my cell number.

I start walking towards where Jax is whilst running my hands through my hair trying to understand what the hell happened but Mary stopped me in my tracks. I didn't even know she was here until now.

"Need some help." She told me

"What's the matter?"

"Don't know what to do Cara." she says and I sigh "This thing with Chibs, gonna push Ope farther away."

"I haven't seen him in a couple of days I don't know where his head is at so what do you mean?"

"Don't come home much anymore. If he does, he barely speaks to his kids"

"Oh my god"

"They have no idea what's happening. I didn't sign up for this Cara"

"Look I know, let's not fight okay? I told him once that I agreed with what dad was saying and he shut me down."

"Kids need a mother, a father. I tried talking to Ope. I didn't raise him, we got no history."

"Well, have you talked to Dad about it?"

"He's on his way to the cabin, this will be a four-day bender at least."

"Jesus Mary, I don't know how to help Ope, I've tried."

"Just talk to him. Please."

"All right."

What the hell is happening.

"Well how about I take the kids for a bit tonight? I'll make sure Opie picks them up."

"Thanks Cara."

"Sure, look I gotta go deal with this and talk to Jax. Drop them off at Jax's house around 6?"

"Yeah ok, good luck"

When I approach Jax he's with Gemma.

"Hey babe, I gotta go inside and deal with this. Are you gonna head to St Thomas"

I just stare at him completely blank. I don't understand why he is so calm about this.

"What?" He asks me

"Someone blew up Chibs with a car bomb." I tell him giving him the serious eyes.

"We don't know what happened."

"Jesus Christ, we watched it happen." I shout at him "Who the hell would do that? Why would anyone do that?"

"Look, I'm not sure who did it. That's the truth. Probably the same guys who had Otto jumped."

"Are you in danger?" he didn't answer me "Am I?" he didn't answer that either "Oh, God."

"Look I'm sure nothing's gonna happen. Just gotta be smart."

"Be smart? What the hell"

"Well a little more cautious, all right? I don't have time to discuss the right terminology with you right now. It's gonna be okay, babe." And he kisses me on the forehead.

"No, it's not."

"I have to go deal with this." And he goes inside the club house.

"Jesus Christ" I say when I turn around to Gemma.

"You should listen to him." She tells me

"I am listening, loud and clear. But I'm also listening to my own head."

"What's it saying?"

"Honestly? I think this explosion and what happened to you are connected. Maybe if you told somebody"

"This isn't on me"

"Well I hope not … Look, I'm gonna need you to come by Jax's tonight, I told Mary I would take the kids for a little while and I could use your help, in like a couple of hours once I've been by to check on Chibs"

"Sure thing Boss." Gemma says to me lookin pissed off but I didn't care.

After checking up on Chibs and having the kids over for a little while it was time for Opie to pick them up but he was running late and Mary wasn't answering his phone.

Soon after the kids finish their second movie there's a knock at the door. It's about time he remembered he had children to collect. When I answer it's not Opie standing in the doorway it's a girl I recognise from Luann's porn studio.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up Opie's kids." She tells me "I'm Lyla." She continues to say

"I know who you are. Where's Opie?" I ask her

"He's doing something for the club."

"Porn girl's here for Kenny and Ellie." I call out to Gemma.

"You're kidding me." Gemma says when she comes storming to the door.

"I gotta pick up my kid at my mom's. Told Opie I'd take them all out for something to eat."

"We already fed them, plus is pretty late"

"Okay. I'm just trying to help Opie."

"We don't know you. We're not about to turn two kids over to some –" I tell her

"Some hottie your boyfriend jerks off to." She says interrupting what I was saying.

"My guy's not into the underdeveloped-tween thing."

Gemma ends this by saying "Why don't you go pick up your own kid? We'll tell Opie there's been a change of plans. Come on." She urges at me to come in and close the door, when I do I yell at Gemma.

"Is he out of his goddamn mind?" I am extremely pissed off.

It's not long until Opie finally turns up after we turned Lyla away.

"Hey, you guys, let's go. Say thank you to Aunt Cara"

"Thank you, Cara." They say in his sweet voices.

"You're welcome."

"You kids wait in the car." Opie tells them

"They're good kids."

"Look, I'm sorry about the Lyla thing. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't trust her."

"Guess we made a judgment call, maybe you just weren't thinking clearly."

"That sounds like a judgment call." He tells me

"She's a porn star." I state to Opie.

"She's a single mom, she's just trying to make it work like the rest of us."

"She sucks cock to feed her kid. How stable is that?" I call out at him

"Look we can't all be amazing Doctors like you." Opie throws back

"Opie. I just want you to find someone nice, someone right."

He Ignores what I said and says

"I went by my place, all of Mary's shit is gone. She's split"

"There's a surprise. But you can't blame her Ope."

"She couldn't be a mom 20 years ago, can't do it now."

"We'll help with the kids. You're not alone, Ope."

"Yeah. I am, Good night sis" he says and kisses me on the cheek and It broke my heart to see him like this.

Right when Opie left with the kids Gemma's phone rang and she came running through to me.

"Something has happened with the guys" she looked flustered

"What?"

"God damn cops took em"

"What happened? What did they do?"

"I don't know. Come on we need to get to the club house and call Unser."

I put Abel in his car seat and run after Gemma and we get in her SUV.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

Last night Unser sat us down and told us the guys walked into the wrong thing at the wrong time and it made them look like they were trying to shoot up a whole room of god worshipers. Apparently it was something out of a movie – women and children running and screaming all caught on security tapes and the feds are using it to their full advantage.

Me and Gemma called a meeting with a lawyer this morning at the club house and so far, it's not looking good.

"They're jamming us. Seven-figure bail, no court date? It's bullshit." Gemma stresses

"You saw what happened to Otto - They got no protection." I say worryingly

"I know." The lawyer says

"What about a bondsman? Five hundred thousand a head at 10 percent." Gemma suggests

"You'd need 300K to get the six of them out."

"Well, I can post the house." Gemma suggests again

"My dad's too."

"Okay, that's enough to get out Clay, maybe Jax. That's it."

"No, Clay won't leave them behind"

"I'm sorry, Gemma." The lawyer says "I'll be in touch" and he goes

"We can't leave Jax in there Gemma" I start to tear up.

"Hey, you gotta keep it together."

"Oh I'm sorry it's just it's not every day my boyfriend gets arrested to murder and I have no idea when he will get out."

"He's been inside before; you know that right?"

"I mean, what I know is brief. Just stuff Opie told me over the phone."

"Look, it's a good thing Opie didn't get picked up." Gemma says

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

It was a long day until we heard any update about the guys getting out of jail, Gemma has been on an off the phone all day and honestly I've been looking at single mom pages online already I'm that worried.

"Cara!" Gemma calls me through to the office at the club house. I left Abel with Neeta earlier on.

"What is it?"

"That was county on the phone. Guys got bailed out"

"Oh Thank God." Finally, I felt like I could breath. "Who bailed them out?"

"They made a deal with that Agent Stahl." She says thinking exactly what I'm thinking

"Oh Christ, I hate her. They wanna get involved with that bitch again? After what she did to Opie's family?"

"She's the Law, not much we can do darling"

"When do they come home?"

"They are on their way now."

I hug Gemma tight "I couldn't have got through this day without you." I tell her

Head lights shine throw the office and we both jump out of our seats and walk down into the parking lot where a black suv is turning up.

The guys jump out slowly one by one – all of them have their heads down and I look to Gemma confused, thinking what did we miss?

When Jax gets out he walks in the opposite direction of Clay and the guys and he walks past me and Gemma, I go to walk towards him but he holds his hand up wanting his own space. When I get a good look at him I see he's been in some kind of fight. His face is bruised and cut.

"What do we do?" I ask Gemma, still standing in the dark lot.

"We wait." She says and walks back into the office.

I decide to ignore her advice and go find Jax. When I walk into the back room he's sat on the edge of the bed having a smoke.

I don't know what to say to him so I go into the bathroom and find some towels and water to clean his face. When I kneel down in from of him he looks at me and says.

"I'm okay."

"Let me clean you up." I start cleaning his cuts and he grabs my wrist to stop me.

"Cara please."

"What do you want me to do Jax?"

"Sit" he tells me and I sit down next to him, he puts his hand on my knee reassuring me he is okay and I start to believe him.

"Can we just talk in the morning? I'm tired."

"Yeah sure." I tell him and when he lays back he brings me down with him to cuddle in and within a couple of minutes he falls asleep but I'm still awake staring at him wondering what he's thinking, how I can help him.

… … …. … … …. …. …. … …. … … ….

When I woke up this morning in the club house Jax wasn't here. When I was lying in bed last night thinking because I couldn't sleep I forgot to tell him I finished his dad's manuscript. I carried it in my purse so when I find him sat in the office out front writing something down I slam it down on the desk.

"I finished it."

"What do you want me to say?" he looks up to me.

"You keep saying you wanna change things, but you keep repeating old behaviour and your kinda hiding things again. You can't have it both ways."

"Is there anything you love so much you'd protect it no matter the cost? - The damage it did to you?"

"Yeah - Yeah, a child." I tell him

"Yeah. That's how I feel about this club. Since I was 5, Tara, all I ever wanted was a Harley and a cut. Look, change won't happen quick or without blood. But it'll happen. It has to."

"Your dad talked about how he found himself lost in the club, do you feel that way?"

"I think my dad was struggling with what he wanted to do"

"Are you? We haven't talked about what happened when you were inside."

"I'm just trying to think more about direction"

"You mean your direction?" I ask him as he stands up putting on his cut. I can tell he's not ready to answer my question right now.

"I'll ee you later." He leans down to kiss me and gets on his bike and heads out the parking lot.

"I wanna do that dinner I was talking about tonight." Gemma came walking in out of the blue. I was still lost in my train of thought.

"Err, Is it a good time?"

"It's a perfect time." She tells me

"Okay, I'll call Ope tell him to bring the kids." I stand up and make my way out of the office.

"How's Jax?" she asks stopping me.

"I don't really know, this thing with him and Clay is more serious than I think we thought."

"Shit." Gemma replied

…. ….. ….. ….. … … … ….. ….

I was at the hospital checking on Chibs and his wife from Ireland was here who I've never even seen before but Gemma was certainly not fond of her.

"Why does that redhead weirdo keep giving me weird looks whenever I walk in this place? It's not my fault most my family and friends spend a lot of time here."

"Ugh, I'm sorry. She's been up my ass about the club"

"You want me to say something to her?"

"Of course I don't." I look at her like she must be stupid. "I gotta get back to work. I'll see you for dinner tonight.

"Can you bring a salad?" She tells me as I start walking away from her and I wave my hand at her without turning around as an answer for yes.

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … ..

I was finishing up my shift and getting dressed for dinner but Margaret fucking Murphy comes charging through my door.

"You've got to control that biker woman you go around with."

"Excuse me?"

"She just threatened me in the elevator to not tell anyone if you step out of line on the job. She is crazy!"

"Oh my god I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry but I have no choice but you give you this." She hands me a paper titled 'hostile work environment claim' Have a good night Doctor"

I rush over to Gemma's in a rage, completely pissed off that she did the complete opposite of what I told her to do and I didn't go home to pick up my salad and I don't care.

When I walk in I walk past the kids who are sat the table patiently waiting and I go right up to Gemma.

"Thought you were bringing a salad?" Gemma asks as soon as she sees me

"I've been busy." I tell her and she can see that I'm mad to which she replies with "What?"

I wave the piece of paper at her "This is a hostile work environment claim filed against me and my proxy by Margaret Murphy."

"Are you kidding me? - What a bunch of pussies."

"You threatened her Gemma"

"I had a passionate conversation with her in the elevator."

"This is my livelihood." I wave the document in her face again "Do you have any idea how hard I've worked to get to where I am?"

"Yeah, I get it."

"Do you? This could cost me my goddamn job." I shout at her and I hear the door open and all the guys walk in.

"The club is the club, my job is my job, stay out of it." I turn myself around and I'm faced with the porn star Lyla my brother is still associating himself with.

"Hey" she says to me and I give her a disgust look.

I throw my hands up in the air in frustration "Perfect. Serving hand jobs for dessert?" and I walk back to the kitchen to try contain myself.

"That's real nice in front of the kids." She shouts back at me. I feel like saying her outfit isn't nice to wear around the kids either but I don't want to cause much more of a scene.

"Hey what's wrong with you?" Jax asks me as he wraps his arms around me

"Ask your mother" I tell him

"Well can you ease up on Lyla."

"I know; she's just doing her best blah blah whatever." I snap at him "I keep hanging out with this family, I may be sucking cock to pay my bills too."

"Okay" is all he says and he leads me to the large dinner table where Clay starts shouting at Jax

"Where were you?" Clay asks him

"What are you talking about?" Jax asks him

"Two guys in hospital beds and the rest of you decide not to pick up your phone?"

"We were neck deep in our own pile of shit." Bobby tells him. What shit is he talking about?

"We almost got killed trying to take back our guns, man." Tig yells and I look over to the kids to make sure they are okay.

"Club business. Not here, asshole." Bobby tells Tig and they start shoving each other back and forth and I don't know where to look.

"Excuse me" a voice comes from behind us. It was David. "Sorry to interrupt. I figured I should tell you this in person. We just found Luann Delaney off County 18. Beaten to death."

"oh my god" I say under my breath

"There're no other details right now. I'm sorry." David says and excuses himself.

"Did you cause this?" Clay shouts at Jax

"What are you talking about?"

"Payback at Caracara?" Clay accuses

"This is on me, Clay." someone says from behind, I can't keep track of what's going on.

"What did you idiots do?" Tig asks

"I'm not talking to you, asshole." Bobby tells him

"Watch your mouth, Bobby." Tig points at him and they start shoving and fighting again

"Do you see what you're doing to this club?" Clay shouts at Jax and I grab his arm letting him know I'm here.

"I was risking my ass for this club." He shouts back

"Bullshit." Clay yells back

"You're as blind as you are crippled." Jax says to Clay

"No. The blind guy's in jail with no wife because you just got her killed." Referencing to Otto and Luann

"I'm not the one murdering women." Jax keeps shouting getting closer and closer to Clay.

I look to Gemma for some guidance on what we do, she looks helpless and afraid. I Turn back to the guys and they are still arguing, yelling louder and louder.

Then I hear a clash on the table coming from Gemma. She dropped a serving plate of something and it smashed everywhere but it shut every one up and we all just stood still but at least it was quiet – all eyes at their own feet.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Since yesterday's disaster dinner I've barely seen Jax all day – he's been sorting things out and I've been catching up on everything at work that I've been avoiding.

It was finally time for me to go home after the long shift. I was met by Jax in the shower whilst Abel slept.

"I've missed you" Jax says through the kisses, I pull away to ask him the serious stuff.

"Did everything go ok today?"

"Not really, I'd rather make you feel okay though" he says and starts kissing my neck.

I laugh at how silly he can be. He really is just himself when he's around me, that's the Jax I love the most. The one I don't see enough of these days.

… …. …. … …. …. …. …. ….

Once me and Jax were out of the shower I was feeding Abel when his phone rang but he was still getting dressed so I answered it.

"Hey, its Cara." I say when I answer

"Its Unser, Jax there?"

"Yeah, he's just got out the shower"

"He's gotta get here and help me deal with this. It's caracara. Its burnt to a pulp"

"Jesus" I say, then Jax comes through the kitchen and I hand him the phone.

"Its Unser."

"Jesus Christ" is all Jax says before he hangs up and heads straight out the door and I stay where I am with Abel.

I don't know what happens next, most of their fights where about this porn business, guns and sometimes the IRA, are these the kind of phone calls I'm gonna keep getting?

… …. …. …. ….. ….. … … … …. ….. …

Whilst Jax was dealing with Caracara I decided it was time I paid my dad a visit. When I got to the cabin I saw Jax's bike was parked out front, when I walked through the door I had clearly just walked into something.

"Hey, I didn't know you'd be here." I say to Jax who looks surprised to see me.

"I was just leavin" he tells me and he looks mad – I look at Piney confused

"Aren't you gonna tell your ol'lady that you're going nomad Jax?"

oh shit.

"Well actually I just came up here to make sure you weren't dead. What the hell is going on?" I say

"I was going to sit you down and tell you" Jax says to me and glances back at Piney angrily

"Is this got something to do with the distance you mentioned yesterday?"

"It's the best thing to do before me or Clay end up dead." Jax tells me

"And we both know who that should be." Dad pipes up and says

"I just wish you had discussed it with me first. Nomad, that's dangerous Jax."

"Cara, why don't we just go home and we can talk about it there?"

"I don't really know what else there is to say." I say to him

"He's throwing away his father's legacy." Dad interrupts again.

"Piney!" Jax starts to get agitated.

"I gave you Johns book that he gave to me."

"Yeah and I read it and it's not exactly a how-to manual. It's a half angry manifesto, half MC love letter."

"And you're giving up." Piney told him and Jax stormed out.

"Dad we are just gonna go ok? Can you please take a shower or something?"

"You make him think about this move, sweetheart."

"I can only try."

When I go outside jax is getting on his bike.

"Where are you going?"

"For a ride."

"Jax, how do you fix samcro if you are not a part of it?" I ask him

"I ride independently for a few years until things die down."

"We've barely made it through the past few months."

"It's the right thing" he turns on his engine and rides away.

I can't think of anyone else better to discuss this with than Gemma so I ride over to the clubhouse to vent to her about this, get some advice. When I get to the office I go in and sit down

"What?"

"Jax says he's joining the Nomad charter - Needs to get away from Clay."

"Jesus Christ."

"Shit that's been going on around here, he thinks it's a good solution."

"No, it's not. Nomad is MC purgatory - No family, no roots."

"He seems convinced it's the best thing. Despite talking to my dad."

"He talked to Piney?" she questions.

"I went to check on him up at the cabin and Jax was there discussing it with him. That's how I found out. Dad was trying to convince him not to of course but he's blind sighted by this thing with Clay"

"He's so deep in his hate, he doesn't know what's best. Look, you don't want Jax in a charter scattered across four the road alone. The list of enemies we have? You want that phone call telling you were to pick up the body?"

"Shit." I say

"Asshole."

"What the hell do we do?" I ask her

"We call a meeting. Me, you, Clay and Jax. Get Jax and meet me at the house tonight, after they have had church. Make sure he's there" she tells me and I nod.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …..

Once it was time for us to have out 'meeting' I was nervous about how it would go. I didn't say much to Jax about why we were here to talk but I think he knew it was something to do with him and Clay. I was pouring Jax some tea when I only just noticed he had taken off his redwood original and vp patches.

"Must feel weird – missing what would be on your right."

"It's just a patch."

"No it's not." I say and put down his tea.

Before me and Jax got into it Gemma and Clay turn up and by Clays expression he didn't know this meeting was happening. Jax rises to his feet next to me.

"Sit down, all three of you"

"You know what it is I have to tell them." Gemma says to me and it's then that I realise what it is she brought us here to talk about. I feel Jax's eyes on me and Gemma sits down next to Clay opposite me and Jax.

"What is this?" Jax asks Gemma and me.

"The night of Bobby's party, I didn't get into an accident driving home. I was attacked." Gemma starts saying.

I grab a hold of Jax's hand on top of the table to try comfort him.

"Some mini van pulls up behind me. A girl jumps out in a panic. Says her baby's choking, girl was very convincing. It was a goddamn doll in the car seat. She hit me over the back of the head with a, you know, a blackjack. Something."

I can feel my eyes welling up with tears.

"I came to handcuffed to a chain link. Utility house out by the access road. They wore masks. There were three of them. When he spoke, I - I knew his voice. Tat on his throat. Zobelle's right hand, Weston - Told me to deliver a message to you - Stop selling guns to color. Said if I If I didn't tell you that he'd find me and do it again."

At this point Gemma looks at me for support and I nod my head at her letting her know it's time to say what they did to her.

"They raped me. All three of them. More than once."

Jax lets go of my hand and hits the table really hard with his hand it made me jump. He gets up and walks around to Gemma and bends down and grabs her hands close to his face and kisses them and on his way past Clay he grabs his shoulder. It was then that I knew what Gemma told them had worked. Before we leave I glance over Gemma dry my tears and give her a reassuring smile.

Jax puts his arm over my shoulder as we walk out the door and onto his bike to go home.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

After we got back from Gemma's me and Jax haven't said much to each other, we sent home Neeta and I spent some time with Abel. When I went to check on Jax in the kitchen he was sewing back on his patches he took off for going Nomad.

I sat down opposite him and told him "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I wanted to"

"No, you did the right thing hiding her secret."

"Are you gonna go after Zobelle?" I ask him

"Yeah, I'd do the same for you"

"You already did." I tell him "I've been thinking about Your dad's manuscript. Would that be his solution? More violence?"

"If Gemma had gotten raped on John's watch he'd have written a whole different book."

Then there was a knock at the door. Jax grabbed the gun of the side and answered it. It was Clay.

"Sorry, I know it's late."

"It's alright."

I heard Abel waking up.

"I'll go get him" I say

"No its okay I got it" Jax says and hands me the gun.

…. … …. … … … … …. … … … ….

The next morning, I woke up to a phone call from the chief of the hospital telling me I'm suspended until further notice due to what went down with Gemma and Margaret. I'm irritated that this is what it's come to but after last night I don't wanna go down hard on Gemma and blame her even more. I figured I would just try accept it as much as I can.

I go over to Gemma's to see how she's doing after last night. She's sat at the kitchen table having a smoke when I walk in.

"Morning." I say to Gemma and help myself to some coffee.

"Hey." She replies

"Doing okay?" I ask her and sit down opposite her.

"Sure." She sarcastically replies.

"It was brave, doing what you did."

"Had to be done. Snap Jax and Clay out of their bullshit."

"Had to be done for you. Do you wanna talk about it?" I ask her

"There's nothing to talk about. Clay's never gonna wanna be inside something that's been ripped up like me."

"Jesus Christ, Gemma, Clay loves you."

"Love don't mean shit. Men need to own their pussy, his has been violated. He'll find another."

I finish my coffee and stand up. "I refuse to believe that's true. Call me if you need me."

When I get back to the house Jax's bike is still there. I creep up on him when he's sorting out some stuff in the bedroom.

"Jesus, I thought you were at my mom's." he says looking startled

"I was, she's not really in the mood to talk, she's kinda numb"

"Maybe you could keep an eye on her whilst we deal with this?"

"Yeah of course."

"I love you" he tells me and kisses me

"I love you too." I say and he turns the corner to walk down the hall … after a few seconds I walk after him

"I got suspended from St Thomas, they figured out what I did for Chibs – getting him to stay in the hospital longer than he needed to. There's a hearing in two weeks."

"Jesus Christ. - What does that mean?" Jax asks

"Worst-case scenario, I lose my license. Best-case, a black mark that follows me my whole career."

"Shit." Jax responds.

"I wasn't gonna tell you. Last thing you need with everything going on, but I just, I don't I don't want any more secrets, Jax."

"It's okay. We'll get through it, just like everything else."

"You know it would kill me if I knew you were sleeping with other women." I tell him

"What?"

"Cheating. It's a It's a deal breaker for me. And at some point, playing house isn't gonna be enough."

"Can we talk about this?"

"I'm going to want a baby or two."

"Jesus"

"I need to know that whatever this is it's heading in that direction."

"Cara."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just I needed to say all of that. Probably should've done it in smaller doses."

"I haven't been with anyone since this became whatever this is. I wouldn't have told you all that I have if I didn't think this was moving toward something more." He tells me

I start crying with relief that I got out what I've been holding in all morning.

"It's all right. Come here." And he holds me in a tight embrace.

All this thinking about the future has me thinking of the past to when worries between me and Jax where a lot simpler. One of my favourite memories is still the skinny dipping and getting arrested. Despite the way it ended we were just enjoying being normal sixteen year olds, I remember it clearly.

 _It was a boring morning at school and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could go by Jax's so we could hang out. I went out the front doors to catch some air before my next class but my peace is distracted by some sniggering group of girls in the corner. God they are so pathetic._

 _I was just about to go back inside and grab my books before I hear a toot come from a recognisable bike. When I turn around Jax is sat at the drop section of the car park wearing his prospect cut hollering at me to come over. Of course I run to him._

" _What are you doing here?" I ask him and I can't stop smiling_

" _Came to pick you up." He tells me_

" _It's not even been a full day."_

" _So, this place is shit hole, let me get you out of here." He winks at me_

" _Teller, you will be the death of me." I point at him and he laughs_

" _Here you go, darlin" and he passes me a helmet_

" _Oh, why Thank you" I chat back_

 _I start putting on the helmet and bring my legs over each side of the back of his bike and I grab around his waist and lean my face against the back of his leather and we start ride a long ride._

 _Jax brought us to Santa cruz beach where there was no one else around due to the fact it was nearly winter._

" _What you bring me here for?" I ask him as I hop of the bike._

" _It's quiet"_

" _I mean, it's nice."_

" _Yeah it can be like our own place." Jax says_

 _I tuck the hair behind my ears and put my hands of my hips._

" _Hmm." I say and look around "It's a public beach Jax"_

 _Jax goes into the back of his bike and digs out a twelve pack of beers._

" _Look what I got?" he shows me the beers._

" _Did you steal those?"_

" _Nah, technically not if they're from my dad's club house."_

" _Well did you bring a blanket?" I ask him and he whips one out and lays it down on the floor and I go to sit down on it and he lays down next to me._

" _So did you get the day off?" I ask him_

" _Nah, if they need me they will call."_

" _Well, hopefully they don't." I say and grab a beer._

" _Give me a kiss" Jax says and grabs my face._

" _What if I don't want to." I joke with him_

" _You do." He tells me and I laugh and bring him down for a long kiss and before we knew it time was running by fast and the sky was getting dark and we had drunk all the beers._

 _I was leaning my head on Jax's torso when I asked him "Do you ever think about where we will be in like ten years from now."_

" _Hopefully not wearing this stupid prospect cut."_

 _I laugh at him and grab his hand and start playing with it "I think you'll be a great president of the club in ten years."_

" _With you by my side I will." He says_

" _Yeah, I mean of course." I take a breath and tell him something I'm not even sure of happening "I think I want to be a Doctor."_

" _Shit, really?"_

" _Yeah, believe it or not my grades are actually doing ok and I just need to pick the right subjects next semester."_

" _You've always been a tp." He jokes_

 _I smack his chest and turn around to face him. "Would a tp do this?" I ask him and I stand up and start undoing my blouse and unbuttoning my jeans until my bra is off and so are my panties._

" _Well?" I ask him_

 _Jax is left speechless._

" _C'mon" I urge him_

 _He says and starts taking of his cut and taking off the rest of his clothes till he is bare like me._

" _You are crazy." He says when he comes face to face with me_

" _Crazy for you." I say into his eyes and grab his hand to run towards the shore._

 _When we get in the water it's colder than I had anticipated._

" _SHIT, ITS COLD" Jax yells and I start laughing hysterically._

" _It's not funny, I'm gonna have no balls left." He yells and I can't stop laughing so I put my arms around his neck._

" _Well, it's a good job I wanna be a doctor" I say shivering._

" _C'mon, let's get out of here" he tells me and we start walking to the shore we feel lights shining from a flash light and voices._

" _HEY KIDS GET DRESSED" they yell_

" _shit" Jax mutters_

" _The cops?!" I ask jax_

" _Yeah, c'mon" he tried covering me up as much as he could as we walked more towards the light and started putting out clothes on._

" _Can I see some ID please? I'm assuming you have one for that bike." The cop asked once we were dressed_

" _Yeah I do one sec." Jax says and searches for it._

 _The cop shines a light down on the id "Charming huh? We'll take you guys back to their sheriff station"_

" _Wait you are arresting us?" I ask him_

" _Yes mam, we had complaints from the locals of your behaviour and you stink of alcohol"_

" _Jesus Christ " I say_

 _The whole way back to charming me and Jax didn't say I word to each other. I was pissed he brought me here – now we had to spend the night in a stupid jail cell._

 _About 10 minutes into being in the cell Jax pipes up_

" _You gonna say anything or keep giving me the cold shoulder?" he asks and I keep ignoring him_

" _It was your idea to take all your clothes off" he then stated_

" _Yeah and it was you who took me out of school and it was you who brought those beers." I pointed at him._

" _Look, chill." He holds his hands up._

" _NO! don't tell me to chill. Let's just pray that someone bails us out of the shithole. My dad is gonna kill me" I yell at him_

" _No he's not Cara."_

" _Just shut up Jax" I mutter to him_

" _Jeez"_

 _It was about ten minutes later when Gemma turned up to bail us out._

" _Jesus Christ. Are you both completely stupid?"_

" _Ask him" I point at Jax as I walk out the cell first._

It makes me laugh when I think about it now but at the time I was pissed. I didn't talk to Jax for a full week after that. I never continued to skip school, I even told him to not show up during school hours honking his horn but he still did.

Deep down I enjoyed him showing up, he always said he was protecting me – even though I knew at school there was nothing that I needed protected from.

That's why when I ask him about if he's been cheating it's because I worry I'm too hard on him like I was that night.


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

This morning we were all heading to the club house to go on lock down. Down to everything going on with Chibs and Gemma and them going to catch Zobelle there were too many risks for us to be roaming around.

I had packed everything me and Abel needed and I put him in his car seat ready to go.

"Jax you ready?!" I shout through from the kitchen to the bedroom.

"Yeah, pass me the bags" he says coming down the hall, then he looks at my anxious face.

"Everything's gonna be fine babe" he tells me taking the bag off me and I look down at Abel.

"I know"

"C'mon" Jax takes Abel's car seat as well and puts him in the back of my car and I drive us to the clubhouse.

When we get there it's just how I remember lockdowns being. Busy and chaotic, full of people I don't know and guys standing with large guns at the gates and on top of the roof.

I get Abel out the car and head inside where I see mom and dad.

"Hey sweetheart." Dad greets me.

"Hey pops" and I look at his pint of whiskey and put my sunglasses on top of my head "You on that stuff already?"

"It's past nine darlin" he tells me and Mary rolls her eyes.

"Everybody! Listen up!" Clay announces and all eyes turn to him Jax and Gemma. "I wanna welcome you all to Club Reaper. Glad you made your reservations early, as you can see we are booked to capacity." He says and people start to laugh.

"You're here because your family and because Samcro takes care of its own. Next couple of days, this club's got some business to handle that could put our members and the people connected to us in unfriendly situations. Now, chances are nothing's gonna happen but people have already been hurt on my watch." Clay looks at Gemma and Chibs.

"And that ain't ever gonna happen again. Nobody gets in, nobody leaves without an escort.

You got a safety concern, you talk to Piney. You got a medical issue you talk to Cara.

And if you got a comfort concern, you talk to my queen." He looks at Gemma and I feel people looking at me and I hate the attention. "Under this roof, you'll all be safe. I want you to make yourself at home. I love all of you."

Everyone cheers for Clays speech and I take Abel out his carrier so I can hold him and kiss his face and make him feel safe.

"All right we're gonna head to church, you gon be okay?" Jax says

"Yeah, I got this little man to keep me company." I tell him and squeeze Abel tight

"Alright, love you." He kisses me and Abel.

"I love you more" I tell him, he winks at me and goes into church.

I gave Abel to Lyla to hold while I get some coffee. Things have been okay between me and her. I've been trying to give her a chance and trust her more. I can see that Opie cares for her a lot and honestly I'm just relieved to see him be himself again.

"Hey." Gemma says and sits on one of the barstools next to me

"Hey." And I gaze up to the TV

"Oh, thanks." Gemma says when a croweater brings her coffee.

"You want some coffee, doll?" the croweater asks me

"I can get it." I tell her

"I got it, Cream and sugar?" she pushes

"Sure. Black, two sugars." I give in to her

"They need to do that, show respect." Gemma tells me and I scoff

"Oh, please." I roll my eyes at her and turn my attention back to the TV.

"Don't just toss that off, You've earned that, sweetheart. You're not just some crow eater you're Jax Teller's old lady, Piney's daughter and Opie' sister." I look at her "And that means something in this clubhouse and in this town. People need to show you respect, and you don't take shit from anyone."

"Well I'm already good at not taking shit from anyone." I tell her and the croweater brings me my coffee and I thank her and right about then Church was over and the guys started flowing out.

"C'mon princess lets go run those errands" Gemma tells me

"You take somebody" Jax tells me

"Relax baby" I kiss him on the lips.

"I'll put someone on her" Dad tells Jax and me and Gemma head out to her car with Abel.

"This attracts so much attention to us does it not?" I tell Gemma as I look in my rear-view mirror at Juice riding behind us.

"Yeah" she says in between a puff of her smoke.

"You like that?" I question her

"Embrace it Cara." She tells me and she's crazy. She then goes on to ask "Do you believe in God?"

"I believe in something, I believe there's something connecting us all, what about you?"

"I believe we all got a job to do, Fate, service – the lot. For you its medicine, you're a healer and nothing should stop you from doing that."

"Yours is family."

"Yeah, I get it now – God wants me to be a fierce Mother."

"Trust me your good at it" I compliment her

"Do you think we can go by the hospital? I got to complete some charts and Jax would freak if he found out I went alone."

"Yeah sure thing, we'll head there now."

When we get to St Thomas I ask Gemma to wait in the cafeteria with Abel while I sort a few things out.

When I go into the office Margaret Murphy is there.

"You're not supposed to be here" she snaps at me but I go and sit down at the computer in front of her.

"Just come to complete my charts." I tell her

"That should have been done already." She snaps at me again and I feel myself losing it with her soon.

"Yes, I know." I snap back.

"Well, you may not have to worry about paperwork after next week." She says and I spin around in my chair and feel I need to say something to her stuck up ass.

"I pity you. You know you walk around here with your little administrative degree pretending like you know medicine. You're just a cheap suit, too stupid and lazy to get into med school so now you compensate by making the healers jump through hoops."

"Well someone's true colors have finally bled through. I guess you and that biker whore you travel with" she says and I stand up and get in her face.

"How dare you. You don't know her; you don't know any of them." I lose control and hit her across the face.

"Oh, my God. You hit me. You are finished. I'm calling security, this is assault."

"No" And I hit her one last time only this time harder

" - Oh!"

"That's assault." I sate and grab her throat but not too hard and threaten her "I know where you live, where your kids go to school. Samcro has the cops on payroll, this town in its pocket. You say a word about this to anyone it'll be the biggest mistake of your little red life. Do you understand what I'm saying?" she nods and I let go and pick up my bag.

"And I suggest you drop this bogus claim against me. There are a lot of people who need my help." I finish telling her and I storm out the door and feel a sense of relief for saying just what that bitch needed to here.

"You okay?" Gemma asks when I go through to meet her in the cafeteria.

"Perfect." I say and pick up Abel "Lets go" I tell Gemma and kiss Abel on his chubby face.

When we get back to the clubhouse all the guys are getting ready to meet Zobelle.

"What's gonna happen Jax?"

"Don't worry" he says and I grab his face and we kiss "I gotta go" and he gets on his bike and everyone else follows and I stand there watching him ride away next to Gemma and Lyla.

"C'mon girls let's go inside. They're gonna be okay" she puts her arm around me for us to just go inside and wait.


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

Last night Jax rolled in late and fell asleep straight down next to me. I could tell he was in pain from the fighting but I didn't want to pester him about it.

When I see him this morning his eye looked pretty beat up. "Holy shit babe, I hope the other guy looks worse." I say and grab Abel his bottle and sit down opposite him at the table with Abel sat in my lap.

"Yeah, well don't worry cause it will all be over by the end of the day."

"Thank god" I look down at Abel and back up at him "You know, I once assisted on this surgery in Chicago when I was an intern and it was a rapist who when he was trying to get away, it backfired. It was one of the hardest surgeries I had to ever witness. Not because of what he was being operated for but because I didn't feel like wasting my time helping him."

"That sucks"

"Yeah. I just don't understand how someone can do such a thing to another person."

Jax stands up and holds my face in one of his hands. "Don't worry. I won't let anything like that happen to you. Ever."

… … … … …. … … …. … …. ….. …. …

Me and Gemma were out getting groceries with Abel for the clubhouse and the house and putting them in the trunk of my car.

"Give me those, I'm driving"

"Okay"

When I get in the passenger's seat I see a girl in front getting into her car who I recognise so I ask Gemma.

"That blond, She's the one you chased. Who is she, Gemma? Zobelle's daughter."

"She's the one who told me her baby was choking, Hit me over the head."

"What a bitch, where are we going?" I ask Gemma when she starts following her

"Forward, sweetheart." And sack starts following us like he was told and once the girl we are following stops at at house Gemma stops the car close behind.

"What are we doing here, Gemma?" I ask her but she doesn't answer, she has a look of rage in her eyes and I start to worry.

"Look Gemma, that rape would've destroyed most women. But it made you stronger, wiser, compassionate - And whatever it is you think you have to do, trust me you're past it."

"My son, your man, my husband their brothers. They're out there risking their lives, their freedom, for me - This is how I do my part."

"No Gemma." I pleaded to her

"God's put her in my path so I can fix that part of me that they ripped open. I'm supposed to do this."

"Jesus." I say and start running my hands through my hair" "Do you even hear what you're saying?"

"Get my grandson home safe. Love you, Cara. I'm glad you're with my boy." She says and starts getting out the car.

"Gemma, please don't do this." And I start welling up

"I'll be okay, It'll be okay." And she shuts the car door and starts walking towards the house. I check Abel is okay but he's sleeping and I get out the car and walk to sack across the road.

"Call Jax"

"Hey, where's she going?"

"NOW!" I shout at him "And stay here. She may need to get out fast."

"Oh, shit." Sack says and puts the phone to his ear. "Cara, he's not answering."

"Jesus Christ!" I look at my phone and its dead. "Shit!"

"What do we do? Like what are we waiting for?" Half sack asks me.

"I don't know! Okay?!" I shout at him. "Let's just go back to the house and I can use the phone there - I want to get Abel home."

"I'll be right behind you doc." He tells me and runs back to his bike.

We start driving back to the house, the whole time I'm cursing under my breath at Gemma and her reckless behaviour and Jax for not picking up his phone. When we get back to the house me and sack rush inside and put down Abel on the counter and I start calling Jax.

"Hey babe what's up?" he asks when he answers

"Jax, I didn't want to bother you with this but Gemma" I tell him

"What's the matter?"

"She went after Zobelle's daughter" I say running my hands through my hair and when I turn around there's a gun pointing me in the face.

"Drop the phone" the gunman tells me and I recognise his face from the clubhouse.

"Ah!" I scream "Oh my god" and I drop the phone on the floor still hearing Jax yell through the phone "Cara? Cara!"

"Shit" Sack says in the corner near Abel.

"Weapon." He shouts over to Sack and he throws his gun on the floor and the guy kicks it to the side.

"What are you doing? What do you want?" Sack asks him, the whole time I have my eye on Abel sat there quietly in his carrier.

"Gemma killed my Eddie. Figured maybe I'd kill an old lady, even the score." He points the gun back in my face and I'm frozen in fear holding up my hands

"Please" I tell him, tears running down my face and Sack moves closer to try protect me.

"Don't get brave, boyo. Sit. Sit!" he tells sack and he sits down, then his attention moves towards Abel once he notices he is in the room and I panic more and more. He picks him up out his carrier

"There we are. Son for a son. Seems about right." And he pulls out a knife and holds it close to Abels throat.

"No! Don't, Please, no, please don't hurt him" I say walking closer holding up my hands praying in my head Jax turns up soon when knife turns to me.

"Wait!" Sack jumps in front of me to try tackle the guy but the attacker stabs him and sack falls to the floor.

"No!" I bend down next to him and start crying and screaming uncontrollably "Ugh! No no no" I hold my hand down on Sacks wound but he is too long gone. "Look what you did!" I yell at him.

The gunman is crying, how does he cry over murder and then do the same thing himself. He puts Abel down in his carrier and I feel relieved that this might be over until he grabs me by my hair.

"NO! no, let me go!" I shout kicking at screaming but his grip I so tight.

"C'mon, you want me to hurt your boy?"

"Hurt him, I kill you." I shot at home

"Well then be quiet!" he shouts at me in his Irish accent and slams me down in the rocking chair in Abel's nursery and starts tying me up.

"Please – jus-t go, I won't say anything-g" I lie to him to get him to believe me, I can barely get out the words I want to say.

"Shut up!" he yells and me and puts tape over my mouth and leaves the room. I keep trying to release myself and scream through the tape but nothing is happening. I hear the front door go and Abel's crying go with him. I'm still praying Jax turns up so he can stop him but he doesn't turn up for another five minutes and the whole time my tears won't stop, I feel so helpless.

"Cara!" I hear Jax yell when he comes through the front door trying to find me. "Cara!" I then hear Opie call out too.

Opie comes through first

"Tara! Shit." Opie says pulling off my gag followed by my arms and legs, then Jax comes through who I am ever so glad to see.

"Oh, Jesus Christ" Jax leans down to me "Are you okay?"

"He took Abel." Is the first thing he needs to know.

"What? - Who took him?" Jax says

"That Irishman I patched up." I say trying to catch my breath

"Cameron." Chib's says from behind then before I know it they left to try catch him.

I stand up shaking but I call David Hale and let him know what's happened. He rushes right over and I refuse to leave the nursey and see sacks body in the kitchen.

"Oh my god Cara." David says when he see's how distraught I am

"Did you see him? In the kitchen?"

"Yeah, we'll take care of it. Where's Jax?"

"He went to try find the guy."

"We've got every fed in this town searching Cara okay?" he reassures me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"O-okay" and I break down in David's arms on the day bed.

"Shh its okay" and he starts stoking my head but I can't get over what happened.

Abel was my responsibility and now he's gone. "I can't believe this happened."

"This is not your fault Cara."

"I saved his life in the hospital and I can't even protect him from a stupid man."

"Hey, this guy could have killed you and Abel." He tells me

"He still killed someone. Oh my god." I put my hand over my mouth to try hold in the tears that won't stop flowing.


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

It's been a week since Abel has been kidnapped and there's been no sign of him. The sheriff station has been trying their best, all the guys at the club house have been making phone calls digging into security cameras and questioning all of the acquaintances that the Irish guy new.

Jax however has spent most his time hiding away drinking and not speaking to anyone unless they mention any good news about Abel which really there hasn't been any of. I've barely spoke to him all week, things I say he ignores me. Couple of nights ago he got arrested for some fight he had in a bar about god knows what. Since they let him back in the house yesterday he's been in Abel's nursery drowning his sorrows.

Me however, I've been trying to distract myself with work and I've been calling Gemma a couple of times a day who's out in hiding somewhere because of what went down with the shooting. Gemma doesn't know anything. She doesn't know Abel is missing – all she knows is that Half Sack got killed on a bad run. I hate lying to her about it because I confide in her about a lot of things but if she found out she would come right back too Charming and get herself locked away and that's the last thing any of us need.

I sit at the kitchen table holding my coffee cup whilst Jax is passed out on the nursery floor debating whether I should tell him to shower or get some fresh air but I doubt it will help.

When I open the nursery door I'm met with a strong stench of whiskey and smoke. Jax is lying on the floor passed out dressed in only his jeans. Surrounded by empty bottles of Liquor.

"Jax" I say quietly to my surprise he doesn't answer me. I lean down next to him "Jax" a little louder and he still ignores me. It pains and frustrates me that he's acting this way. I feel helpless like I did that day Abel was taken and I feel guilty for what happened. I decided to phone Opie to ask him for help.

"Hey you okay?" Opie asks when he picks up.

"Not really, I need you to come over and help me with Jax."

"Did you bail him out?" he asks

"No, Unser just brought him home yesterday. He's been intoxicated since."

"Shit, right I'll be there with some of the guys soon."

"Thanks"

It's not long till the front door opens and Clay walks in first "Where is he?" he asks me

"Nursery." I tell him

"Hey darlin, you doing okay?" Dad asks and I try my best to hold it together but I reply honestly with "Not really. You want some coffee?" as we stand in the kitchen.

"I'll get it" Bobby says

"No, please – let me do it." And I go over to the coffee machine and start brewing a new pot.

I hear Opie and Chib's try to lift Jax up and into the bathroom and I walk out into the hall and watch. Somehow they finally managed to get him to open his eyes.

"He's been like this since it happened, I don't know what to do" I say to them.

"We'll take care of him" Clay tells me and at this point I don't know if anyone can.

"Have you got any news?" I ask Bobby when I go back through to the kitchen.

"Laroy found a guy who made some ID for Cameron."

"Well what does that mean? Is there any info on the guy and what he knew?" I ask desperate to know something.

"Where still tryna figure that out." He tells me

"Shit" I cover my face with my hands "I fucking hate this." I say as I wipe my eyes.

"We do too darlin." Bobby says. "Look, Jax needs you" he tells me rubbing my back s I lean over the kitchen counter.

"Sure doesn't feel like it" I tell him and walk off to find Clay so I can talk to him.

"Can I? Can I talk to you for a second?" I ask him standing in the living room

"Sure." He says and I lead him to the nursery.

"Hale pushed it back as far as he could, but I have to talk to Stahl and FBI tell them what I saw."

"Okay." Is all he says

"I tried to ask Jax what I should - As much of the truth as you can."

"We want everybody looking for Abel, just give them the basics. Feds know who Cameron is, his Real IRA ties. All you gotta do is leave out the details about our association."

"But if those details help find him" I tell him

"They won't. Cameron killed Sack and took my grandson because Stahl lied and framed Gemma. That's the real truth."

"Everything comes down to her." I say in a pissed off manner.

"I know. Hey, you're angry – I get it. But you've done good, sweetheart. You really stepped up. You're the best thing that happened to Jax. We're all so glad you're around." He says and leaves as Jax is standing in the doorway waiting to talk to me.

When he walks in he stands next to me leaning against the book shelve and we don't say anything to each other. It's been a whole week you'd think we would have a lot of say.

"I think you blame me." I tell him, speaking first saying how I feel.

"This has nothing to do with you. None of it does."

"None of it?" I turn my head to him

"I'm sorry this happened. I had no right asking you for this." He says out of the blue

"Asking me for what?"

"Wanting you to stay, be part of what I am. I didn't think it through. Obviously, I do that. I don't think shit through what it might do to other people." He says and I'm confused by his words.

"I am part of what you are and I'm certainly not other people." I tell him

"You should have gone back to Chicago. The shit that happened with Kohn that should have been the end." He says

What the hell is he saying

"You're not making sense." I tell him

"This has to be the end. You gotta get out from Charming, away from me."

"Jax, you - You can't just expect me to"

"Just Cara. Please don't complicate it, okay? It's simple." He says finally looking at me in the eyes.

"Simple? Are you fucking kidding me?" I say welling up with tears.

"I gotta go" he says and leaves the house. I'm just standing there in complete shock, anger and confusion that he could say those things to me.

How does he ignore me all week then tell me to leave and that everything that we had should of never happened? What the hell is his problem? I'm full of rage, the kind of rage where I feel like shaking him until he wakes up and realises that its me he's talking too.

I lose control and start destroying the nursery. Throwing everything in reach in every direction.

"UGH!" I scream and cry continuously.

… … …. …. ….. …. ….. …. ….. ….. … …..

I managed to calm myself down by going on a drive and talking to the feds about what happened just to get it over with.

"When Cameron grabbed the baby, where were you?" Stahl questioned

"I slid down onto the floor next to Half-S - Kip's body." I tell her

"He didn't say anything? Why he was taking the baby? About his son being killed? Ransom?"

"I told you, no." I take a breath and continue, "It was a blur, everything happened so quick"

"The smallest detail can help us."

"He forced me into the nursery, tied me up, left with Abel. He didn't say a word. I don't know anything else." I lied, I knew little bits of information that I could tell them about the rape and how it led to Gemma at the house and the guy's son being killed because of the club.

"Ok, that will be it for now" she tells me and I get out

"You okay?" Stahl stops me when I get to my car.

"Yeah." I bluntly reply.

"I'm fine too, thanks." She's says and I roll my eyes at her "You know; I find it very hard to believe that you never bumped into Cameron Hayes before the other day. Been in town for months running guns for your future father-in-law."

"I find it hard to believe you still got a badge after what you did to Gemma and my brother."

"What I did? Gemma came in guns blazing. I barely escaped with my life."

"You're a despicable woman, Stay out of my business." I yell at her and open my car door.

"Or what, doctor, hmm? What, you're gonna have one of Jax's boys gun me down?"

I move closer to her face to tell her one last time. "I don't need a boy to handle my shit. You stay away from my family." And I get in my car and drive away back to Jax's to tidy up the mess I made.

I feel myself panicking when I park my car at Jax's because I see his bike not expecting him to be there. My breathing is tough and my hands are shaking all from today's emotions. After about five minutes I manage to calm myself down and walk inside and straight to the nursery where Jax is picking up the mess I made.

I bend down and start picking up some diapers.

"I got it, you should go." Jax tells me quietly.

"No." I tell him "You know, I didn't come back to Charming to run away from Kohn, and I didn't stay because of what we did to him."

"Doesn't matter now." Jax says so calm. How is he calm? I am not calm.

"Yes, yes it does matter Jax. When Donna was killed those things you said to me in the hospital about my life being a series of hit and runs that my face was the only one you saw"

"I shouldn't have said that shit." He tells me lying.

"It was the truth!" I yell and stand up from the floor. "The shit you said to me this morning about how I should have gone back to Chicago. You think I'm gonna just leave you when you need me the most? How dare you?! You think you can just tell me where to run to and I'll do as I'm told?" I continue yelling at him

"I meant it for your own safety"

"Bullshit! You know I have created this very serious life for myself. And when I'm inside it, I barely know myself." Tears start flowing again but I feel like Jax needs to hear what I have to say. "I have these moments sometimes in the middle of a surgery when suddenly I'm aware of my hands you know, doing these extraordinary things. And I think, "Whose hands are these? What am I? What am I doing here? How is Cara Winston doing this? When I'm with you, I never ask that question."

"I'm not the answer, Look at me. Look at this." He says his voice getting a little louder.

"I am always looking at it Jax!" I yell loudly. "My brain never stops. Why am I here? You know, should I be here? Am I afraid to stay, afraid to go, afraid to be a mother? Shit, it's endless. I drive myself crazy."

"None of that matters."

"I know. That's become so clear to me. The noise doesn't matter" I say stepping closer to him.

"We don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. We're just better human beings when we're with the person we're supposed to be with. I wasn't supposed to leave. I belong here. This is my home, with you." I finish what I'm saying and Jax looks at me and just pulls me into him tight and it's the closest we have felt in a whole week.

…. … …. …. …. ….. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….

After the confrontational conversation me and Jax had in the nursery we have been okay, we cleaned up the mess and I think I made him understand that him, the club and Abel aren't just a free joy ride for me. It is my life and they are my responsibility.

We had Half Sacks wake this evening and I was feeling the same guilt I've been feeling all week. The way he died just trying to protect me and Abel was worth all the medals in the world and definitely that patch he had bene working towards.

When we got to the venue there where hundreds of bikes all here to celebrate his life. I didn't want to leave Jax's side the whole time. When we got inside it was loud from all the voices.

"Where you gonna patch him in?" I ask looking up at Jax

"Yeah, eventually we were" he tells me

"The way he protected me and Abel Jax – it was heroic – I mean he did everything he could."

He pushes my hair behind my ears and tells me "I know; I wish he was here to thank him"

"Me too." I say and kiss Jax on the lips and he kisses back.

"C'mon" Jax says and leads me into the room where his casket is and it feels overwhelming seeing his picture and his full patches on his cut lying on top of where he lay that he never got to have.

I Kneel down in front of him and hold my hands together and close my eyes and thank him all while Jax stands behind with his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey" I hear Clay say and I stand up and he hugs me and I go to leave them to it.

"You knock some sense into him yet?" Opie asks when I meet him in the crowd.

"I may have said a thing of two." I try smile at him but I just can't bring myself to smile about anything yet.

"We're gonna find him Cara." He tries to reassure me.

I take a breath to try control my uncontrollable emotions. "I just want him to be okay"

"Hey no one would harm him" Lyla said from my side.

"I hope not." I tell her and then Jax comes out of the casket room with Clay.

"Let's go home" and he threw his arm around my shoulder and we followed a bunch of people outside.

When we started walking outside we started hearing gun shots and people screaming, Jax instantly threw me to the ground and tried to cover me up as best he could whilst the cops tried to shoot and catch the shooter.

Once the gun shots stopped we stood up and I looked around and there were people injured and I was completely stunned by what happened.

"Oh my god"

"You okay?" Jax yells at me

"yeah – yeah" I assure him not sure if I actually am.

Jax's attention is drawn to one of the shooters who fell out the van, he rushes over to him and I cling onto my dad and Tig.

"JAX!" I yell but he's not listening he won't stop punching the guy to the ground. Then I notice David Hale's body lying lifeless on the ground.

"Jesus Christ. Oh my god." I cover my face behind my dad's back so I don't have to witness what has just happened and happening. When I finally find the courage to turn back and see what's happening the cops are taking Jax away.

Honestly, how could anything get any worse?


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

This morning I was on my way out to pick Jax up from the sheriff's department. Last night couldn't have been worse timing – with everything going on with Abel and between me and Jax, something like that happening was just going to cause more anger and retaliation.

David Hale was pronounced dead at the scene; he was run over by the shooters as they got away. Despite being on the opposite side of the law than I am used to David was a great guy from the day I met him in way back in kindergarten.

David was my first friend. Of course my dad didn't like it because of how rich and stuck up their family was but I connected with him, I trusted him and he always had my back despite who I was in this town.

Jax came out the station and started walking towards me looking like crap with his hoodie and a cap on

"I don't know what happens now Cara, this shit is gonna get worse before it gets better." He tells me

"I know" I tell him, reassuring him I'm ready to deal with this.

"Do you? What happened last night was just the tip of the iceberg." He keeps saying trying it put me off

"You tryin to scare me?" I ask him

"Yeah, I am"

"Not workin" I tip my head back under his cap and kiss him "C'mon, let's go"

I drop Jax off at the club house and tell him I'll see him later. I head over to St Thomas just to try sort out some stuff and get on top of things. Most of the people at work who work closest to me know about what's happened with Abel – that's why I'm going to ask them for a leave of absence so I can help Jax out.

"I need you to, um, put this through." I say to Margaret as I hand her some paper work.

She reads it and looks up and says "Leave of absence?"

"All the paperwork is there." I tell her wanting this to just be over with and signed.

"For how long?" she keeps questioning

"Six months." I tell her

"Really?" shes asks.

"Yeah, I guess you haven't had a child kidnapped and watched a man get stabbed to death have you? Just please authorise this." I point at the paper hoping she gets the message and backs off.

"You shouldn't have been back in the OR so soon anyway after what happened"

"Well, now you get your way. I'll be gone." I tell her and start walking away but she still has more to say.

"Dropping out for six months will hurt your career. Maybe you should take a few personal days, think about this."

"What do you care about my career? Unlike your very heated response my actions against you were not personal."

"I was protecting this hospital. Same reason I'm telling you to rethink the leave. St.

Thomas needs good surgeons."

"My family needs me more" I tell her and storm out.

… …. …. ….. …. …. ….. …. ….. ….. …. ….. ….

On my way back to Jax's I get a call from Gemma telling me she needs my help with her dad so I start packing a bag when Jax walks in.

"Where you going?" he asks when he sees me packing medical supplies quick.

"Gemma called, something happened with your granddad. She wants me up there."

"No. If you get caught with my mom, that's aiding and abetting, federal crime." He tells me

"Well what do you want me to tell her?"

"Tell her you're taking a leave of absence." Shit he found out before I got to tell him.

"I was gonna tell you." I tell him hoping he just accepts it.

"The beating you put on your boss? You gonna tell me about that too?" he questions me but I don't get to answer cause his phone rings.

"Yeah? … When? … Okay, I'm on my way." Jax says on the phone.

"What is it?" I ask him

"I'm not sure, I'll be back in a little while. We need to finish this conversation."

"Jax I'm not going to wait for you to deal with whatever you have to deal with while your mom needs me. Urgently." I tell him

"Cara, I'm telling you for your own sake."

"Well … I don't give a shit. No one else will die, I'm going to help" I tell him as I walk past him and dump my bag in my car and drive to Gemma's dads house.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

I got to Gemma's dads in just under an hour and when I got there Tig was the one needing help, he got shot accidently by Gemma's dad Nate. I patched Tig up and made sure he sat down so I could talk to him.

"Can I ask you something? Honestly?" I ask Tig

"Yeah, what is it doll?" he asks me

"How is Jax holding up?" I ask him

"I don't know, shouldn't you know?"

I sigh "No, in fact I'm sure he tells you guys more than he tells me"

"Jax is tough. Doesn't really say what he's feeling a lot of the time"

"I feel like he's trying to push me away, we had a fight and he told me I should go back to Chicago. I mean we made up after I had my say and shut him up but I still don't feel like he's on the same page as me."

"His son is missing. He's focusing on that one thing, and you samcro women are crazy, ya gotta just chillax doll."

I smile at him knowing that is exactly what he would say.

"You're doing the right thing." Tig then says and pats me on the leg.

"When are you going to tell Gemma about Abel" I say quietly when he gets up from the bed.

"Now that" he starts waving his finger at me "Is not down to me"

"You samcro men are the crazy ones, not us" I say before Gemma comes through

"Hey, was Jax okay about you leaving?" Gemma asks as she sits down next to me on the bed.

"Pfft, no. But I left anyway."

"Figured you would." She says smiling. "Come with me, I gotta show you something"

"Okay" I tell her and she leads me to the basement.

When we get down the basement stairs she has someone tied to a wheelchair. I turn to her to give her a look of what the fuck but she pulls me back up the stairs before I can say anything.

"Gemma … What the hell?! Who is that!? Are you insane?!" I yell at her.

"The carer, she came at me when she found my face plastered on the computer screen titled 'wanted'."

"Jesus, she came at you?" I ask her

"Yeah, with a god damn shot gun."

"Well, what are you going to do with her?"

"I don't know yet." She tells me

"Jesus Christ. You don't know?" I ask and Gemma just shrugs her shoulders like no big deal.

"I am not involved in this." I say holding my hands up.

"Oh you are. I need you to talk to her."

"About what?" I ask her thinking what could I possibly do.

"Dad's walked off somewhere and she's bound to know more about the places he goes than me, clearly."

"Why can't you do it?" I ask Gemma

"She won't talk to me"

"Oh my god, this is the kind of shit I don't need" I tell her

"Why? something going on with you and Jax?" she asks and I have to think of something made up.

"No, it's just work – it's a night mare at the moment." I tell her and surprisingly she falls for it but I head down to the basement to avoid this conversation going any further.

I pull off her eye mask "Nate took off in the car. Any idea where he might be heading?" I ask her getting straight to the point.

"Who the hell are you?" she asks me

"It doesn't matter, just please give us a clue."

"He could be a hundred different places."

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"I'm done. If you cut me loose, I'll help you find him."

"Can't do that." I tell her, in my head I'm thinking this whole thing is not right.

"My hands and my feet are numb my ass is killing me. You can keep a gun on me. I'll make a few calls, help you find him, that's the deal."

"Let me remind you of your circumstances, sweetheart. You are tied up in a basement with no family, no friends anywhere in the States. You drop off the planet, no one knows. No one cares." Gemma says from behind.

"Jesus Christ, Gemma!" I yell over to her

"Are you threatening to kill me?" the girl asks

"No. But I look around this room I see a drill, box cutters, a welding torch. Lots of shit make you really uncomfortable."

"Psycho bitch." She shouts

"Listen, you ain't heard nothing, Chiquita. Anything happens to my dad because of your stalling I'll make sure you end up in this wheelchair permanently."

"Bitch!"

"Gemma!" I yell at her to get her to stop because its not helping.

I go back up the stairs with Gemma "Stupid bitch" Gemma blurts out.

"You have her tied up in a basement, you can't expect her to co-operatate." I tell her.

"Just let me deal with this. Alone." I tell her and go back down into the basement and she flinches when she hears me coming near.

"I'm not gonna hurt you." I tell her "I'm gonna have to clean that out. It'll sting a little." I say talking about the cut on her head.

"I can't see, but I'm guessing my hands are a nice shade of purple right now." She says

"Can you feel your fingers?" I ask her sounding concerned but really I'm not.

"No, I'm numb. No circulation."

"I'll cut one hand free, let the blood flow back in. Don't do anything stupid." I say and cut the tight tape with a knife and her hand releases.

"Aah. Thank you … Can I trouble you for the bedpan? - Sorry."

"It's okay." I say and grab the bedpan and put it under her legs for her to pee

"Aah. … I can't, um Can you? Can you just slide it a little more?" she asks me and I slide it under more but then I feel a hard bang to the head and everything goes black.

… …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. …

When I woke up my head was heavy and I felt nauseous, I turned to look at the wheelchair and she was gone but I could hear commotion going on upstairs so I get up as quick as I can holding on to my banging head and grab the knife I used to cut her hands free.

When I get up into the hall way the carer has Gemma at the throat and she's struggling to get loose. I hit her over the head and hand Gemma the knife and when the carer gets up I back away and Gemma stabs her in the chest and she falls to the ground.

"Oh. Oh. Oh my god." I lean down to feel her pulse but there's nothing.

"She's dead" I tell Gemma.

"Her plan not mine" Gemma says.

I get up slowly holding onto my head. "Jeez"

"You okay?"

"She knocked me out."

"Here" Gemma reaches under the sink to find a bag and fills it with ice. "Sit that on it." I take it off her and sit down.

Then Tig comes through "I leave you two for 10 minutes." He says pointing at us.

"Jax can't know about this, this is the last thing the club needs." I tell him

"Then we'd better work fast, they're making a run for the Irish. They're gonna be up here tomorrow." Tig tells us.

"Perfect." Gemma mutters.

"Bachman." Tig says "Bachman's based out of Crescent City He can probably be here in an hour."

"The cleaner guy?" Gemma asks him, the whole time I don't know what's going on my nausea is getting worse, properly due to a concussion. 

"Yeah, he's independent. He works for around two or three grand, but he is good."

"There's some cash here, but not that much - Will he take jewellery?" Gemma suggests.

"I'll call him." Tig says

"All right, go keep my dad busy." She tells Tig to do

"All right" he says and walks off trying to call this guy

"We'll take care of her."

"We will?" I turn around and ask her.

"Hey, you're the one who decided her fingers needed to breathe. You don't want Jax to find out about this, we gotta handle it." Right then I feel something coming up so I rush over to the kitchen sink and empty my stomach.

"Concussion?" Gemma asks holding back my hair.

"Mm." I wipe my mouth and tell her "I'm okay."

Deep down I knew that the nausea didn't have much to do with the concussion. My period was late and I had a feeling it was related to that.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

It was the next day and I still wasn't feeling good. The body got taken care of yesterday but today it was time for Nate to get ready to head to his nursing home.

"I got him to sign." I say to Gemma and show her the papers. "This gives me power of attorney so if anything happens while you're away"

"Thanks." She looks sad and empty

"It's a good place. Your mom did her research. The neurologist on staff specializes in late-stage Alzheimer's." I tell her to try reassure her

"Does it have a garden?" she asks

"I don't know, probably"

"I can't believe I'm sending him off to a goddamn home."

"He'll be taken care of." I tell her

"He'll die alone just like she did."

"You're going to be able to see him, things will sort themselves out" I tell her and hug her at the side.

"Hey gals, boys are here" Tig says

"Here we go" Gemma says to me and I can't help but feel nervous about seeing Jax because of the way I walked out on him – we haven't spoken since.

We go out the front to where the boys parked their bikes and walk towards them.

"Hey baby, I missed you" Gemma and Clay tell each other and Jax walks towards me.

"Hey" he says softly and he kisses me

"Hey, glad you're here" I tell him and he puts his arm around my shoulder.

"C'mon let's go inside, I need to talk to you." He tells me and I hope it's good news about Abel.

We head into one of the rooms I was going through and packing up. "Is Nate taking all this stuff?" he asks.

"No, Gemma wanted to pack up all the sentimental objects and valuables put them in storage. The rest goes to the church." I tell him and he sits down on the bed.

"You doing okay?" he asks

"Yeah, I think" I tell him but his face is eager to tell me something "What is it?" I ask

"You want the truth, right? Gotta tell you what's going on."

"Okay."

"They're pulling our bail on the church assault. Two days, we're all supposed to go back inside."

"Jesus. "Supposed to"? What does that mean Jax?" I ask and he hands me a piece of paper with cctv footage of Abel and the guy that took him. "Oh, my God - Where is he?"

"Vancouver somewhere."

"You're heading up there?" I ask

"Yeah. We hired a guy to help track him down, gonna take Gemma, head out after Nate's taken care of." He says and the whole time I can't help by feel left out by his plan.

"When will you tell Gemma about Abel?"

"Not yet, We will." He tells me and I sigh in response.

"Hey brother, Clay needs you" Tig interrupts and then asks me "These boxes going down stairs doll?"

"Yeah, thanks"

… … …. … …. … …. …. …. …. … … …

We were in the kitchen discussing Nate and the plan for Canada, but Gemma still didn't know the real answer why they were heading up there. She just thought it was a way of hiding.

The whole time we are standing there my nausea starts creeping up on me again, I end up leaving the kitchen and running through to the downstairs toilet to throw up again.

"You okay?" Jax asks from behind concerned. He must of followed me.

"Yeah, I think I must've ate something funny." I tell him lying and rinse out my mouth. "Actually can you tell Gemma that I'm just going to get some air? See if it will help with how I'm feeling." I tell him

"You want me to come with you?" he asks

"No, I'll maybe just drive down to the store and get some somethin for my cramps"

"Okay, well don't be long" Jax tells me and I smile at him, grab my bag and head to the store.

On the drive over I was feeling more and more paranoid about my sickness. Since I'm a doctor I know that the symptoms such as throwing up are connected to a lot of things and yes concussion is one of them but my head no longer hurts.

I decide it's better to just check what it could be so I grab a pregnancy test and head to a café nearby to pee. There's no way I was bringing it back to the house.

Once I pee on the stick I wait three minutes and in those whole three minutes I'm thinking if this test is positive what the hell am I gonna do? There's no doubt that I want to have kids with Jax but now is not exactly the best time with everything going on and his distance behaviour towards me. Plus, what's going to happen after Canada? Will he do time for the church assault? How long will that be?

The amount of thoughts going through my head where overwhelming that I don't even notice the time was up and it was time to check the test.

When I turned it over it was just what my gut was telling me it would be. Positive.

I take another just to check and three minutes later it's the same.

"Shit." I sit down on the toilet seat and just cry. These past few weeks have been so emotional I didn't think I had any left in me to pour out but I certainly do.

A few moments have passed and I put the tests in the bathroom trash and pluck up the courage to drive back to the house.

… …. … …. … …. …. …. …. ….. …. … ..

When I get back I've been trying to avoid talking to Jax because I'm afraid I'm gonna come out and tell him I'm pregnant and I don't think this is the time or the place. I'm going to wait – see a doctor and wait till things have calmed down. Maybe after Canada, but then I don't know how long that trip will take.

We've been shifting boxes all afternoon, I've been making room for them in the basement and Jax has been bringing them down to me only muttering a few words here and there.

I've been thinking about Canada and whether it would be a good idea for me to go with them. I can't stay here and just wait and hope they bring Abel home. I keep thinking what if they need me, something might happen that only I can help with.

Jax brings down the last box "That's mainly all of them I think" he tells me and I need to tell him now what I was thinking.

"I wanna come with you … To Canada." I tell him standing behind a box.

"No." he tells me and I had a feeling that's what he would say, always trying to tell me what to do.

"Look, I'm the only one who's not wanted. You're gonna need my help." I tell hi

"What I need is for you to go back to work. Go back to work" I can see he's getting mad

"He's mine too. I wanna be with my family."

"Do you see how deep I'm buried here? - You don't want this." He tells me and I think 'here we go'

"Don't tell me what I want! I asked for the truth, you gave it to me." I yell at him

"So you would stay put! - You're not coming up north."

"Yes, I am!" I yell at him again

"You wanna be an old lady? Then act like one! Do what you're told! Pack your shit and head back too Charming." He yells at me I start to lose it so I grab the wheelchair from behind all the boxes which we tied the carer too.

"I just helped your mother kill someone, That old lady enough for you?!" I yell at him, my words coming out of nowhere.

"What are you talking about?"

"The caretaker, she attacked your mother."

"What the hell did you do?"

" I had no choice, it was self-defense - Tig helped us get rid of the body." I tell him trying to control my angry and frustrated breathing. Then Tip comes down stairs with a box – what terrible timing.

"Found one more … What?" he asks when he looks at me but notices the wheelchair I'm standing behind. "Oh, shit."

"What happened?" Gemma them came to join the club

"Gotta go." Clay was next and I felt like jumping into a deep whole of nothing.

"I'm dealing with something." Jax tells him

"Yeah, so are Bobby and Piney … What's going on?" Clay asks

"Apparently, our lovely ladies here whacked the caretaker." Jax yells at Clay and points at me and Gemma "And this idiot helped them." He added pointing at Tig.

"What?!" Clay uells

"Actually, I just made a phone call." Tig says

"Jesus Christ. This later. Let's go." Clay tells the guys and Jax follows him up the stairs and gives Tig an evil look on the way up

"What happened to, "Oh, we can't tell Jax about anything"? You two are killing me." Tig says then goes upstairs to follow Jax and Clay, now it's just me and Gemma.

"Sorry. I lost it." I tell Gemma then I start crying, sitting down on a box "I don't know what the hell he wants anymore."

"Well, what do you want?" she asks me

"I'm just trying to get closer. I wanna go with you to Vancouver."

"No. That's a bad idea." She tells me

"You know, I thought you, more than anyone, would understand."

"We're gonna need you in Charming. If Jax goes away for that church assault and I'm God knows where someone has to take care of Abel. No one I trust more than you."

And once she says that I start crying anymore thinking about Abel. Maybe if Gemma knew about the reason they were actually going to Canada she would agree on me going.

"You'll be a good mom." She tells me and it doesn't help the tears.

"I'm sorry." I say still weeping

"I better go help Nate get ready, I'll be going with you."

"Someone might see you." I tell her

"My risk." And she heads up the stairs

… … …. …. … …. … … ….. … …. …. …

Once me and Gemma had dropped off Nate at the home she disappeared and took my car.

I started to panic wondering what I was gonna do and where she was going. I know this was hard for her saying good bye to her dad and not knowing when or if she was going to see him again.

I was standing in the parking lot in the rain waiting on Jax coming to get me since I was stranded here. When he turned up he turned up with all of the guys.

"What happened?" Jax asks me

"She just took off; she was crying in the car when I left her. The whole thing broke her heart"

"Jesus, she went home. To see her family!" Jax yells and hands me his helmet off his head for me to get on the back of his bike and head back to charming.

At least her going back to charming she would find out the truth about Abel.

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

After a un comfortable ride back to charming we pull into the clubhouse parking lot and Gemma is standing there but suddenly she falls to the ground and run to her to check she is okay but she looks like she just suffered from a stroke or something.

"Call an ambulance!"

"Everyone here is looking for her."

"Clay she needs to get to the hospital, it's a risk we have to take." I tell him and he listens and gets on the phone to an ambulance whilst I try to get Gemma to regulate her breathing.


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

When we got to the hospital Gemma was stable but she had to be handcuffed to the bed and that was hard to see.

I was technically still on a leave of absence but I told the doctors I would be here to help with Gemma – after all I was one of their best surgeons and they needed me.

Most of the club are at the hospital and me and Jax have barely spoke to each other all night and we've both been here since Gemma was taken in.

Gemma rang her bell for a nurse or doctor so I went through and Jax and Clay where already in the room – she started bombarded me with questions already.

"What happened?" she questions me about Abel as I stand at the foot of her bed "The truth. All of it."

"When Cameron killed Sack, he took Abel." I told her, I wanted to leave the details to Jax to explain.

"Feds weren't doing shit, so we hired a bounty hunter. We got this a few days ago." Jax handed her the same picture he shown me

"He's somewhere up in Vancouver … we were trying to protect you, Mom." Jax tells her

"Bullshit. You're trying to protect yourselves - He's not in Vancouver. The call I got last night, triggered all this - it was Maureen Ashby." Gemma says

"Who's Maureen Ashby?" I ask her and Clay turns around and tells me

"McGee's old lady. Friend of the MC."

"She told me Abel's in Belfast." Gemma said

"No, can't be. Jimmy and O'Neill saw Cameron get scooped up as soon as he hit Belfast.

He didn't have Abel with him." Jax said

"Well, then somebody's full of shit." Gemma yells and her blood pressure machine started bleeping and i move past Clay to check her over.

"You need to take it easy, baby." He tells her

"I'll take it easy as soon as I know where the hell my grandson is." She keeps yelling

"Come on. Everyone out! She needs rest." I say to get them to leave and they do.

I was checking her machine when Gemma said "Stahl came by, threatened to take away my deal. Guess I didn't officially turn myself in."

"But you called her." I tell her

"She's desperate. Pressing me for intel on the Irish, your name came up."

"Well, she was in the room when the FBI interviewed me. I didn't tell them anything." I tell her

"Why don't you tell me?" she asks, wanting more information I don't have

"It's what I said. Cameron killed Half-Sack, tied me up and took Abel."

"Nothing you could have done about that?" She asks me in a mocking tone

"I had a gun pointed to my head." I tell her

"What if it was your baby?"

"What the hell does that mean?!" I ask her starting to get annoyed at what she's saying.

"If it was your flesh and blood, you would have thrown yourself in front of a bullet."

"That's unbelievably cruel. I did everything I could, I love that boy like my own Gemma" I quietly yell at her.

"Everything except save him." She says and it sets of the water works again, god I'm such an emotional wreck.

"How far along are you?" she asks and I lift my head up not even surprised she's figured it out due to the throwing up and crying at almost everything.

"Not sure, maybe six weeks, no one knows. With everything else going on, it doesn't make sense." I say wiping my eyes.

"Quite the secret queen lately."

"Yeah, well, I learned from the best." I tell her giving her a pissed off look.

"I'm assuming it's Jax's?" she asks stupidly.

"Yes, of course it its!" I quietly yell at her again.

"Good." Is all she says

"That's it? "Good"?" I ask her

"For now, Not exactly in a position of influence." She says showing me her cuffs

"Jesus, now do you know why I was so eager to go to Canada? Because I want to help find Abel. I want to be there." I tell her

"Yeah I get it, it's just Jax worries and you being there could cause distraction."

"But you'll be there, we could stick together." I say to her

"That sounds kinda weird." She says and I nod my head in agreement

"I'm done being told what to do." I tell her

"Yeah I can tell. What you planning on doin?"

"Sticking by my family" I tell her and head towards the door. "I'll check up on you later"

When I go out into the hall Unser was walking towards me.

"You goin to see Gemma?" I ask him

"Yeah, how she a, how she doin?" he asks looking concerned

"She's okay" I smile at him "I mean she's pissed at us lying but she's gonna be okay" I reassure him and he heads in to see her and I go to the clubhouse to see if I can talk to Jax or someone at least.

… …. …. …. … … …. … …. …. …. … ..

He's standing at the bar when I walk in. "Hey can I talk to you?" I ask him and he puts down my drink and we go into church where its quiet.

"So now you're going to Belfast?" I ask him and put my hands on my hips.

"That's the plan. Gonna cost a shit ton but we're trying to scramble some money together."

"I have money from the house that I sold." I tell him. I sold our family home after me and Jax started getting more serious and I was spending more time at his house. I ran it by my dad and Mary first and they didn't seem to care so I figured the money would come in handy one day.

"No, absolutely not." He tells me, I can't say I'm surprised.

"Ugh, Jax, I just want to help. It's just money, that I don't need and if it means its gonna get you to Belfast safe I want to let you have it." I tell him trying to get him to understand.

"I said no, we will get the money." He says being stubborn as always.

"You know what Jax?! I'm sick of you dictating what I do and how things work all the god damn time. You go on about how you're "buried in your own shit"? yeah yeah I get it but I'm buried in that shit with you and you just can't see it."

"Cara, I really don't need this right now."

My heart is telling me to tell him I'm pregnant now but my head is saying no.

"Yeah well, fuck you." I tell him going with my head and storming past everyone and out the clubhouse.

… …. … …. … …. … …. … …. …. …

I call Opie to meet me at Jax's house and he comes soon after we ended the call.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks when he comes through the door and in the kitchen.

I dump down a large duffle bag in front of his feet full of the money I offered to Jax.

"What is it?" Opie asks

"Its money from mom and dad's house I sold. I've had it in the bank since, not touched a penny and I don't need it."

"And you want me to take it?" he asks.

"Yeah, to get you to Belfast, there should be enough or maybe more than enough to get there" I tell Opie as he starts looking through the bag.

"Jesus, why didn't you just give it to Jax?" he asks and I sigh

"I tried too, he wouldn't take it. So I figured I would give it to someone else instead, you can tell him where the money came from or get some of the guys to cover it up but it's safe money. It's not illegal and you can be on a plane to Belfast tomorrow if you use that money." I tell him while he raises an eyebrow at me.

"I take it you asked him if you could come too?" he asks

"I asked him when the plan was Canada, he told me to stay put."

"Are you?" he asks

"What do you mean?" I ask him

"Well you're not really one that listens"

"I don't know what I want." I say starting to feel emotional again so I sit down at the kitchen table and start playing with my hands.

"Don't do that" Opie tells me

"What?" I ask him wiping my face.

"Make that face. Donna used to do it and I hated it."

"What? Crying?" I ask him

"Yeah but most the time it meant I was in trouble." He says and I laugh and tell him "Yeah probably cause you where"

"I'm pregnant" I tell him looking down at the table.

"Shit" is all he says

"Yup." Is all I say

"Shit" he says again and sits down opposite me.

"I take it Jax doesn't know?" he asks and I look up at him.

"Of course not. We're not exactly in the position to be celebrating a new child on the way."

"Maybe now is a good time to tell him. Maybe it will give him hope" he suggests

"No, we need to find Abel first. Please just take the money and don't tell anyone about my pregnancy."

"Okay well, if that's how you want things" he says and we both stood up.

Opie hugged me and it felt nice to be this close to someone, I haven't had it in a while.

"It's gonna be okay" he tells me and kisses me on the top of the head. "I love you sis" he tells me and I feel my eyes welling up and I tell him "I love you too, Ope" and he leaves the house with the money.


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

Last night Jax didn't come home and didn't expect him too either. I was glad I told Opie about my pregnancy yesterday, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, however there was still another weight lingering and that was telling Jax about it.

I head over to the clubhouse because I know that's where he ought to be. It's still early in the morning when I get there and people are drinking already. I start walking down the hall to the back room when Opie comes out of the bathroom and stops me.

"Cara!" he calls at me and i turn around to look at him "He's not in there."

"Where is he? He didn't come home last night" I tell him

"I don't know" Opie tells me but I know he's lying, why would he lie?

I ignore him and storm down the hall and barge open the back room door. Straight away what I see is Jax lying in the bed having a smoke and I look down to the floor to some slutty stilettoes and panties, then when I look up that porn bitch Ima comes out the bathroom door.

"Morning" she says and I look at Jax and he says nothing.

If I wasn't pregnant I would pin that bitch to the ground and smash her smug face.

I slam the door shut and start walking out the club house past Opie.

"Cara, I'm sorry!" he reaches out to me

"Leave me alone!" I shout at him and get in my car and get out of this shithole.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. ….

I head to Gemma's hospital room to check up on her.

"Mornin" she says to me when I walk in.

"Morning, Dr. Gallagher has cleared you to leave." I tell her, debating whether to tell her what I just walked into.

"Great." She says sarcastically.

"We'll make sure you continue to get your medication. I'm sorry, Gemma. I know how hard this is for you. … god this sucks, I hate that this is happening." I say sitting down and rubbing my hands over my face.

"Well, at least I have a new grandson on the way."

"What? I don't think Jax is ready for another baby." I tell her

"What the hell are you talking about?" she asks and figured it was a right time to tell her.

"I walked in on him and that porn slut this morning. He's been trying to push me away.

It's starting to work. We're done."

"He blames himself for everything that happened to Abel. Can't handle the thought that something bad might happen to you too. He's lost, baby. You have to be the constant. Ride it out."

"I'm not as strong as you, I hate that he worries. I can actually handle stuff okay? I'm just really emotional right now" I say crying again.

"He wouldn't be doing this if he knew you were pregnant." She points out

"He can't know. What happens with this baby is my decision. I'm serious, Gemma. No one can know." I tell her seriously.

"Secret babies are a bad idea."

"Please." I beg her

"You want my silence? I need a favor." She asks me and I nod.

Gemma told me a plan. It was a crazy plan but I've got to admit it was a good plan for her to make it to Belfast.

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. … … …. …. ….. …

I've been at Jax's house packing up some of my things that I'm going to need for Gemma's plan. He stood in the door way of the bedroom and told me "You don't have to leave yet. We're heading out tonight, I just came by to pack a bag … I'm sorry about this morning."

"Sorry? It's what you wanted." I tell him whilst I continuing packing not looking up at him

"I didn't want for you to get hurt." He tells me and I laugh out loud at how stupid he is.

"Yes, you did. You think I am responsible for what happened to Abel. You hate me, and you just can't say it and yet your mother thinks this is about protecting me." I say as I keep packing.

"I am protecting you." He tells me

"From what?" I snap at him looking up at him

"Donna, Abel, Sack - Take your pick!"

"No! You are so full of shit. You and I both know that nothing's gonna happen to me. This is just about you needing a reason to feel good about bailing." I go through the bathroom grab some more things and start walking down the hall way shouting back at Jax "Well, guess what? The prince doesn't always get his way."

When I get in my car and drive back to the hospital and he's yelling my name from the drive. I feel like I dealt with it well – I said what I needed to say it was just whether this plan Gemma had would plan out or not.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … ….. ….. ….. …

"Ice bath is ready in room 6. You ready?" I ask Gemma in her room

"Let's do this."

The plan was to get Gemma out of the hospital so she can go to Belfast. I was to get doctors and nurses on staff believe that Gemma had a really bad fever and we had to put her in an ice bath. Due to privacy reasons they would need to leave the room while to their knowledge I undress her to bring her temperature down even more.

So far they believed what I was saying and I got them to leave the room feeding them a bunch of lies. Gemma just got out the ice bath shivering and gave her a towel then put my lab coat on her as a disguise.

"Aah! Oh! Oh, shit, that's cold." She said "You calling Jax?"

"Nope, you are." Is say handing her my phone as we start walking down the hallway keeping a look out.

"Did he understand?" I ask her when she hangs up.

"Yeah, he's gonna be out back waiting for me." She tells me

"Okay good. Look I packed meds for a few weeks, but if you're there longer you're gonna have to fill the prescription."

"Yeah, I will."

"Elevator takes you to the service level." I tell her and hand her my key "Key card will get you out the back door. There's some cash in my pocket. It's not much. My car's in the service lot if you need it. And your gonna need this" I hand her a big black bag but she didn't ask why to save time.

"Not sure the feds are gonna believe I did this at gunpoint." I then tell her

"You may as well have. And I'll keep my promise." She tells me

"No one will know about that baby. It's my decision."

"What I suggest is you wait till Jax gets back. Look into Abel's eyes before you do anything." She tells me and my pager was going crazy out on alert for Gemma missing.

"I better go." I tell her and hug her tight

"I'll be back in a week." She tells me

"Yeah." I say and she gets in the lift and the doors close in what feels like slow motion, then I hear footsteps shuffling behind me.

"Where's Gemma Teller?" I get asked by doctors and cops including Unser.

"Uh, I don't know. She pulled a gun on me, took my key card." I lied and they nodded and went on and kept running down the hall looking for her and Margaret was the only standing next to me giving me a suspicious look.

After much convincing I manage to get Margaret to understand what it was Gemma had to do – that the feds where doing nothing to help find Abel and it was all in the hands of Jax and the club. She punched me in the face to get the cops to believe Gemma threatened me.

The questioning didn't take long so I got on the phone to my dad straight away hoping he would pick up.

"Dad?!" I ask him

"Yeah, can I call you back? We don't have much time till the guys leave for Belfast." He tells me.

"Yeah I know, okay look. I need you to come pick me up." I tell him whilst heading through to my office to grab my bag and put on a jacket all while staying at the phone.

"Why darlin? Somethin wrong?" he asks and I get myself in the lift to head downstairs

"I need you to come to the back of St Thomas now" I tell him

"I'm just picking up a few of the guys now" he tells

"Just come on the way to the plane" I tell him and hang up.

I was coming to Belfast. I was no use here in Charming and I wanted to prove a point to Jax that he can't keep pushing me away and he can't keep telling me what to do.

I got out the back of the hospital through the fire exit and dad turned up within a couple of minutes and Juice hoped out of the passenger's seat and into the back. I sat down in Juice's place and closed the door.

"I hope you know what the hell you are doin" dad says to my left.

"I'm doing what I was taught to do. Let's go." I tell him and we pull out of St Thomas and start speeding down the street to where the plane is waiting.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. …. ….

It didn't take us long to get to the outskirts of Charming. When we do we pull up at massive empty warehouse and drive inside where everyone is waiting – Jax, Opie, Gemma, Clay, Bobby, Chibs. Happy and Juice get out the car we are in, leaving me last.

All eyes are on me, some happy – some not.

"I take it this is yours" Gemma comes up to me and asks me smiling then hands me the black bag I handed her at the hospital.

"Yeah" I say and fling it over my shoulder and she winks at me.

"You're not coming on this plane." Jax tells me

"Yeah, actually I am." I tell him

"Did you know about this?" Jax asks Gemma and Ope, both of them shake their heads.

"We gotta get you guys loaded up and get going" Elliot Oswald interrupts from behind – we are borrowing his plane.

Everyone starts walking towards the plane and Opie comes up to me takes my bag and puts it over his shoulder and wraps his free arm around me and we follow the crowd.

To Belfast we go.

 **Hey to everyone who is still reading! I hope you like how the story is going so far, if so I really appreciate feedback!**


	29. Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

We were almost at Belfast and I manage to avoid Jax the best I could for the whole 10 hours until we were getting off the plane and getting ready to travel through Belfast.

"I want you to stay with my mom in the car" Jax tells me as he's pulling down his bag from above him. "There's gonna be some guys from the charter down here riding with you."

"Yeah, got it." I tell him and grab my bag from above as well.

"You might need this." He says and hands me a smaller version of the samcro zip up he is wearing since I clearly didn't come prepared for the colder weather in the rush I was in.

"Thanks" I take it from him and put it on

When we step off the plane is colder than I imagined and there's a black Freelander waiting for us and all of the guy's bikes that have been loaded off the back of the plan.

"Hey, thanks for coming." Clay shakes the hands of the guys who will be driving me and Gemma. "You got two very important old ladies travelling with Ya. Take care of him"

"Of course" they say and I glance at Jax before I sit in the middle of Gemma and the driver a member of the Belfast charter who's driving.

The bikes lead the way and I'm completely stunned by the beautiful views of Ireland, it's just how I imagined – green and picturesque.

We keep driving until we meet up with some more members who the guys talk too but me and Gemma just stay in the car.

When we get going again we are stopped by Irish officers.

"What's going on?" I ask the driver

"They are Northern Ireland police officers, as long as they have got ID they should be fine."

They start checking through their passports but it seems to be taking some time. Things take a sudden turn of events as they start yelling and pinning the guys down on the ground.

"What the hell?!" me and Gemma both yell

"This is bad" Gemma says as the police trucks start backing up towards them and the police are putting the guys in the back of the trucks

"Step on the gas" Gemma tells the driver and I look to her like what the hell and he doesn't do anything.

"STEP ON THE GAS!" me and Gemma both say at the same time again and I grab the wheel and turn it in the right direction crashing right into the back of the police truck.

"Are you out of your bloody mind woman!" The driver yells

The police truck which crashes into a large rock and the guys start getting out the back and the Irish guys chuck the two police men on the ground.

"Well played." Gemma says to me whilst we get out of the car.

The Irish start shooting at the other police and it rides off.

"C'mon get em all out!" Gemma shouts pointing her gun. I don't even have a gun, there's nothing I can do but make sure they are all okay.

"Everyone okay?" Gemma yells as they start piling out, Jax last.

"Are you hurt?!" I rush over to him

"No, I'm good. You okay?" he asks and I nod at him

"Get these cuffs off me." Jax says to one of the Irish "Holy shit. What the hell was that?"

"Welcome to Ireland." He says while he unlocks his cuffs.

… … … … … …. … …. … … …. …

We finally get to the club house where there are loads of men and women all here waiting for samcro's arrival. I get out the car and follow Gemma. "Who's the blonde girl?" I ask Gemma as we approach her.

"If I remember correctly its Maureen Ashby, the one who called me."

"Nice name" I mutter and Gemma laughs but stops when we get closer to Maureen and someone who looks like her daughter.

"Well, welcome" she says in a strong Irish accent.

"Maureen." Clay says and shakes her hand

"Jax, Welcome." Maureen says as she notices Jax who stands next to me then she greets Gemma. "Gemma." She smiles at her and Gemma just gave her a stone cold face.

"Oh, this is Trinity, my daughter." She points to the young girl

"Nice to meet you." She says.

"Hey, I'm Jax, I think we spoke on the phone." He smiles then puts his arm around me "This is my old lady, Cara" he says despite the crappy stage of our relationship.

She nods, I smile at her and Maureen asks Trinity to go watch the shop they must own.

"Glad you're here, Didn't expect you to make the journey." Maureen said

"Neither did the feds." Clay muttered

"Where's my grandson?" Gemma says getting straight to the point

"Come on upstairs, we'll have a cup of tea." Maureen offers

"I don't want any goddamn tea." Gemma snaps back

"This is my home, Gemma. Wee bit of respect would go a long way." Maureen says to Gemma and I but in to save ourselves an argument.

"You have coffee?" I ask her

"Aye." She says and leads us inside to her place.

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … ….. ….. …

Me, Gemma Jax and Clay were all huddled inside sipping coffee waiting to hear some information. I was sat a couch next to Jax.

"Cammy brought the baby to me, he knew he was in deep shit with the club and the Army. Set a meeting with my brother." Maureen tells us

"Wanted a pass from the priest." Clay said

"Aye. He didn't get one. After that, Kellan took Abel to keep him safe."

"Then let's go talk to Kellan." Jax said

"No. He knows where you are. He'll find you."

"So we just wait?" I ask her

"Aye, Questions will be answered soon enough. Look, I'm sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling."

"Did you know? What your cousin did?" I ask her

"I heard briefly" is all she says

"I was there when he took Abel, I watched him kill our prospect and I suffered while he tied me up."

Jax grabs my hand and squeezes it.

"I'm sorry" is all she says again

"Well then you know how important it is that we are here." I tell her

I sigh and give Jax a reassuring hand squeeze back.

…. …. …. …. …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. ….

I head up to one of the rooms thinking it might be empty so I can dump my bag and maybe close my eyes for five minutes. However, Jax was lying on the single bed in there.

"Sorry" I say and dump my bag

"It's okay." He says sitting up

"I don't know how this works; things feel a little weird."

"Cara, come here" he says and I sit down on the bed next to him. "Things aren't weird, there's just a lot of shit going on right now, and you being here wasn't part of the plan."

"I made it here in one piece." I tell him

"Yeah by a near miss." He tells me "Look, I've been an ass." He goes on

"No kidding" I say

"The whole thing with Ima, I'm sorry"

"Jax, I don't wanna talk about that, it doesn't mean anything. I know you were just trying to push me away."

"To protect you"

"Yeah to protect me blah blah. But you need me and I won't stand that kind of behaviour, from me you should know that" I say and he smiles. "I want to find Abel more than anything and I will do anything to help you. I'm not here for a vacation." I tell him looking around.

"I still wish you would listen more, I guess that definitely hasn't changed over the years."

I think it was time to tell him.

"There's something you should know." I say looking down at my hands and back up at him.

"What?" he asks looking concerned.

"I'm pregnant." I finally say and his face doesn't tell me much "I'm about 7 or 8 weeks now."

"How long have you known?" he asks

"I took a test when I was up at your grandad's house."

"Is that why you were throwing up?"

"Yeah, I think so." I tell him and he starts smiling.

"Cara this is great news." He says smiling.

"Really?" I ask him "I wasn't sure whether it was a good time to tell you before we found Abel"

"No Cara, I'm glad you told me now, come here." He says and we lie down on the bed together with me resting my head on his chest and his hand on my hip holding me close.

"Little smaller than what we're used to huh?" I laugh to him about the small single bed.

"We'll make it work." He tells me and leans in to kiss me on the lips for the first time in what feels like ages and I just savour this moment and kiss him back hard with passion and intensity.

When we break away I tell him "We're gonna find him Jax and bring him home, together."

He nods and tells me "I love you"

"I love you too, always" I say back and he lies back and pulls me close for us to catch up on some sleep.

I feel more like myself again knowing that everything is ok with me and Jax. He knows about my pregnancy and reacted better than I expected in these circumstances.

… …. … ….. …. … … …. …. ….. …. …. …

It was later on and the club house where throwing a party. I was sat on Jax's lap on one of the benches whilst we watched some guys fight.

I don't know why these guys do this kind of fighting.

"Who's next?!" one of the guys yell and Jax shouts "ME!" and I get up off his lap. This wouldn't be the first time I have watched Jax in one of these ridiculous fights.

"Wrap you up?" I ask him as I grab the tape and he sticks his hands out to me.

"Make em bleed" I tell him and he kisses me on the cheek when I finish wrapping him up.

I go back to the bench where Gemma is. "So you guys clearly sorted some shit out."

"Yeah, we did. I told him about the pregnancy too."

"How did he take it?" she asks taking a puff of her smoke

"Really well actually." I tell her

"Thank god that's over with" she tells me.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

After Jax finishes his fight I hand him his shirt. "My Hero." I tell him

"I do try"

"I'm gonna head upstairs, I'm tired."

"I'll hit the shower then I'll come up and join you" he tells me

"Okay" I say I kiss him before I start walking towards the stairs and walk past a very drunk Opie.

"You having fun?" I ask him as he comes staggering towards me.

"The Irish sure know how to throw a party … Things look okay between you and jax now. Did you tell him about the baby?"

"Yeah I did." I tell him

"I'm real happy for you." He tells me

"Thanks Ope, Goodnight"

… ….. …. ….. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …

I decide to head straight into Maureen's kitchen to grab myself some water before bed.

"Shit sorry" I say feeling like I'm intruding when she's enjoying a drink by herself at the kitchen table.

"No it's okay." She tells me lifting her head and I take a sip of my water.

"I seem to recognise your face from somewhere." She tells me

"Really?" I ask her and turn around from the sink

"Yeah, John maybe mentioned you through a picture with his son"

"You knew John?" I ask her and start walking towards where she's sitting.

"Aye, has Gemma not said anything?"

"No" I say

"Me and John had a thing together"

"Oh" I say and sit down opposite her. "When?"

"Oh, many years ago. I was 18 at the time." She says and mentally I'm trying to do the math of how it happened. He must of still been with Gemma at the time.

"Your Piney's daughter aren't ya?"she asks me

"Yeah, John was my dad's best friend. My brother is down stairs" I tell her and she starts pouring me a drink of whatever she's drinking but I don't mention why I'm not drinking it.

"So I kinda got the idea that you're not Abel's mother?"

"No I'm not biologically, but I've brought him up so far. I was his doctor when I came back too charming." I tell her

"Came back?"

"Yeah I left for a while" I tell her trying to avoid that topic. … "Did John mention me to you?"

"Aye, all the time he would show me pictures of his two boys and a lot of them you where in." she says taking a drink "He would tell me how he doesn't worry about Jax when you are around him cause you keep him right" she says and it makes me laugh. "He compared you a lot to your da – short tempered and stubborn."

"Really?" I say laughing "What an ass"

"Aye he did, and he told me how you and Jax where gonna marry each other one day."

"He never said these things to me." I tell her. "I miss him"

"Aye, me too" she says and I smile.


	30. Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

Last night after my talk with Maureen I waited on Jax for a while but I fell asleep. The talk got me thinking a lot of John and all the secrets I didn't know, some secrets I don't even think Jax knows.

I remember before John died him and Gemma where very distant, he would spend a lot of time out of town and Jax wouldn't say much about it.

That's why when John died when Jax was only sixteen and I was only fifteen Jax felt more angry than sad. I think he was frustrated because he didn't get to spend as much time with his dad during his final years and they were crucial years for Jax as he was growing into a man, the influence of Clay over Jax was also becoming more strong.

I remember when the news broke through about John's accident. Me and Jax had just woke up that morning from one of our rare sleepovers together because he was always out doing stuff for the club. Jax got a call to come to the club house immediately and to bring me with him for our own safety. The whole club house was on lockdown for weeks and John died only a couple of days into them.

My dad spent a lot of time at the hospital by John's side during his final moments. His drinking became a lot worse than it already was if that was even possible and he started caring less about me and Jax being together which at the time I felt good about. But I watched how his death broke him, he lost the guy who he related to the most – I hope I never have to experience that kind of loss.

…. …. …. …. …. .. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

It was morning and all samcro with me and Gemma where gathered in the main room, after Jax telling me he talked to the priest last night he had to update everyone on a few things.

"So, what do we know?" Clay asks Jax.

"Kellan says he moved Abel out of Belfast to protect him from Jimmy." Jax states and its now clear to me that things have just got more complicated.

"Why? What does Jimmy want with Abel?" Gemma asks

"Leverage against what Kellan wants from us: Jimmy dead. Apparently, he's become a problem for the army." Jax tells her

"Then we kill Jimmy." Gemma says too which Jax tells her "It's not that simple."

"Yeah, it is." Gemma argues with him

"No, it isn't." he tells her straight "Look, everything they say is It's like smoky truth. I don't trust them. I don't trust their priest. The only thing we know for sure is he wants Jimmy."

"So we find Jimmy trade him for Abel." Clay suggest

"That's the only thing that makes sense. We can't kill O'Phelan." Jax says giving Gemma a glare

"Should I bring Sambel up to speed on this?" Juice asks

"No. As far as they know, we want Jimmy to grill him about Abel. Let's just leave it at that."

"Belfast has a protection run this afternoon. Gun shipment. McGee told me that Jimmy will be at the pickup in Dungloe." Bobby says

"Then so are we." Opie says and I start to worry about what's gonna happen next.

"I'm sorry, guys. I had no idea what I was walking you into." Jax says and looks to me then back to the guys "Shit going on down here"

"Aye. You'd better crash for a few hours, it's gonna be another fun-filled day in the six counties." Clay says and the all leave the room just leaving me and Jax.

"This feels all wrong to me. Who the hell are these people? Using a baby like a goddamn poker chip." I say to Jax, tugging on his hoodie strings

"It's not just them, Cara. This happened because we deal guns with the Irish. Let's not kid ourselves we're the victims."

I sigh and tell him "Maybe that, um, profound awareness helps relieve your guilt but now is not the time for soul-searching … You focus on the hate you need to kill all these Irish pricks" I tell him only thinking of Abel and what it takes to bring him home.

"I'm gonna go wash up" I tell him and leave the room.

… …. … … … … … …. …. … …. …. ….

All the guys where by their bikes getting ready to leave, I was standing next to Jax and he kept asking me if I was okay every five seconds.

A car pulled up and out came that priest and a few other guys to talk to Chibs.

"Was that the priest who gave you that info?" I ask Jax

"Yeah."

"Have a safe run Jax, hope you find what you are looking for." The priest tells him then looks to me to say "Cara" and nod

"Father" I say in respect as he walks away but in all honesty this whole thing is weird.

"Will you just be careful?" I turn to Jax.

"Always." He tells me and places his hand on my stomach and kisses me then turns on his engine and starts riding away and I wave him goodbye.

.. …. …. …. …. … …. …. … …. …. …. …

When the guys came back they looked a little worse for wear

"There was an explosion, but I'm okay" Jax tells me before I can say anything.

"Jesus." I say and grab his face. "Well did you find anything out?" I ask him

"Couple of names." He says and he turns around to everyone else

"Liam O'Neill, SOA Belfast, pretty sure him and Jimmy were the guys who tried to blow us up today" Jax said

"Is everyone else ok?" I ask

"Five others are spread out over a farm outside Dungloe." Jax says

"Oh my god, thank god you are in one piece." I say in relief

"That blast was meant for samcro. We need to find Jimmy." He says full of rage.

… … …. …. …. …. …. … … …. …. …. …

Whilst Jax and the guys were out dealing with what they have to deal with I was upstairs in the kitchen with Gemma, Maureen and Cherry a girl who had a thing with kip or as I know him half sack back in charming.

"I heard they buried Kip with his patch." Cherry said.

"Yeah. It was a great service too" I tell her despite how it ended and I hand her some hot tea and sit down next to her and give her a reassuring pat on the back.

"That's cool." Is all she says. I know they loved each other, they just couldn't be together

"No tears for the man that just died?" Maureen said looking angry at me and Cherry.

"Why? He was a liar and a rat." Cherry said

"You don't know the facts." Maureen says back

"Well, do you? McGee ever say anything about Jimmy?" I ask her defending Cherry.

"No, He was more distant than usual. I didn't see this coming." She tells me with a gentler tone then Gemma speaks "Desperate times. Makes men do desperate things."

"What do you know about desperate? All our times here are desperate. Samcro has no idea the risk Belfast takes to keep Charming safe and cozy." Maureen yells at Gemma

"Redwood put Sambel on the map." Gemma tells her holding her smoke to the side.

"Aye, and after four days you nearly wiped them off." Maureen says and Gemma looks at me

"'-I'll assume that's the drink talking." Gemma snaps back at her

"You assume whatever you want. All I know is since you and your boys rolled into our alley we're short three lives." Maureen says

"And I'm missing my grandson because your asshole brother is playing a shell game with his life." Gemma yells back

"I should take your right eye for talking shite about a man of God." Maureen threatens

"Wouldn't be the first thing you took" Gemma tells her

"Gemma!" I call at her

"Well, maybe if you didn't chew men up like a meat grinder they wouldn't be looking for some tenderness." Maureen yelled back

"You little dink of a whore!" Gemma flings her upper body across the table but Cherry stops them asking "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I need smokes." Gemma says

"I need whiskey." Maureen

"I need a new life." Cherry says

"And I need this shit to end" I say and head to find Maureen who's in the shop getting more whiskey.

"You think you could lay of Gemma a bit?" I ask her folding my arms.

"What do you know?" she asks, clearly she is very drunk and her kind of drunk is being a bitch.

"This isn't about me; this whole trip is about Abel. We didn't plan on all this ending the way it has and hopefully we won't be here much longer"

"Well … it did."

"You said John came here when you were young, 18 right?" I ask her

"Aye" she says and opens the new bottle and pours right away.

"But John was still with Gemma up until he died."

"You can hardly call whatever they have the last couple of years of his life a "relationship"" she says and downs her first glass "They were on the outs, John came here we fell in love and we had Trinity. End of story."

"Wait Trinity is Johns?" I asked shocked as all of this is starting to make sense.

"Aye" is all she says.

"Does Gemma know?" I ask her

"Aye"

"And I'm expecting Jax or Trinity don't know this either."

"No" she says and walks past me "Excuse me"

And I'm standing in her shop trying to understand what she just told me, how many secrets do this family have to hide?


	31. Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31

Last night after the muttering between Maureen and Gemma and then Maureen telling me about Trinity being John's daughter I was exhausted mentally but also physically because turns out first trimester of pregnancy can be one of the worst.

When Jax came up to bed last night he told me he talked with Gemma and she told him about Trinity behind his half-sister. I guess something strike a match insider her when she was arguing with Maureen. I told him I knew because I started asking Maureen questions.

The rest of the night me and Jax talked about his favourite memories of John before we fell asleep and it was nice.

However, it was now the next morning and the more days that pass here in Ireland the more I feel Abel slipping away. Maureen in a soberer state announced she found something McGee had left behind the Irish Charters President.

"Listen McGee always emptied his pockets on my dresser, He left this." She handed Jax a small piece of paper. "It's an address. Might be one of Jimmy's places, I don't know. But it might help you find him."

"Thanks." He says

"All right, nuns will be there soon, I'm gonna grab one of the Irish, have him navigate." Jax says

"I'm going with you." Gemma says

"Mom."

"'m going with you too" I tell Jax

"Can you just?" Jax starts to argue

"You're gonna need the truck to get the baby home." Bobby says

"Let em go." Clay tells Jax.

"Please - either of you, don't kill anybody." Jax says

"Let's go, We'll go run down this address." Clay says

"You take Bobby, Me and Ope can handle the nuns." Jax says then says to me "Stay with my mom in the truck, okay?"

"Yeah, just wanna get our boy." I tell him

… …. …. … … …. …. … … …. … …. ….

We arrive at what could only be described as an orphanage for babies ran by pussy frigid nuns. Me and Jax led the way inside and was greeted by one of the nuns straight away.

"Father Ashby said you'd be coming by." She said in her Irish accent.

"Where's my son?" Jax asked her

"Please, come in and have a seat." She says and leads us through to a room full of babies lying in tiny cribs. It was sad to see. I kept scanning them to see if I could recognise any but I couldn't.

"Where's Abel?" I ask her

"He was given to a family two days ago." She tells us and I mutter oh my god underneath my breath. Is he really that far away?

"What family? Where is he now?" Jax asks her

"Look, I don't have that information." The nun tells Jax.

"Then who does?" I ask her

"An independent mediator protects everyone's anonymity."

"Tell me where my son is!" Jax starts to yell

"Sir." She says trying to calm him down but not doing a good job. "I'm sorry." Is all she says

"If they took Abel two days ago, Kellan knew he was gone." Jax turns to me and the guys to say.

"That son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill him." Clay says and starts walking towards the exit and they all follow.

There must be a way this woman has records of the family. It was gona take more than asking to get her to talk. I grab Jax's gun from the waistband of his jeans quick enough for him not to notice straight away.

"Wait a sec, guys." Jax says "Cara!" he says when he sees me just standing there with a gun by my side then the nun tries to approach me.

"Hey, Back up!" I lift the gun and point it at her

"Oh, shit." I here Jax say

"Over there." I point my head to the cribs "Bring me that baby." I tell her but she stands there still and confused, probably scared.

"The baby!" I yell at the nun one more time, then she picks up a baby and hands it to me hesitantly.

"What are you doing?" Jax asks and I ignore him "Cara!"

"You know the story of King Solomon, right, Sister?" I ask the nun, pointing the gun and the baby knowing this must work

"Yes." She says

"If I was that mother, I'd rather have a half-dead kid than watch someone else raise my flesh and blood." I say starting to get emotional – again "Understand where I'm going with this? You got to have done some research on those scab parents. So we both know that this "anonymous" thing is bullshit. Now, you are gonna tell us where Abel is or I swear to God, I will cut this baby in half!" I yell shaking with anger

"Get the file." The nun tells the other nun. This place is filled with creepy nuns.

She opens up the file and begins reading "Katey and Mark Petrie. We do a four-day transition period. Parents stay local to make sure it's a fit."

"Where is he now?" I ask her

"The Europa Hotel." She says and I hand her back the baby.

"Not a word to the priest or we tell the cops about this baby factory you've got going." Jax threatens then puts his arm around me as I get next to him

"Don't hurt them." She begs, probably shit scared right about now.

"I just want my son back." Jax tells her.

When we get out the place Jax turns to me and I know exactly what he's going to say.

"What the hell was that?"

"It worked didn't it." I tell him. "I don't know what came over me, I'm just getting more and more impatient I guess."

Jax just shakes his head at me and I jump in the truck with Gemma.

"You almost acted like me up there." Gemma said to me

"Almost?" I asked and laughed.

….. … ….. …. ….. ….. … …. …. …. …. ….. ….

We were now back at the club house. When we got to the hotel we searched for the room of the couple and eventually when we did we found them dead, gunshot to the head. It was distressing to see and the first thing that comes to mind is 'Where is Abel?' and why would anyone do this?

We were all trying to sort out what the next plan was. Who killed those foster parents and took Abel?

"I need to talk to you" Jax tells me and I nod at him and we go through to the kitchen where it's quiet.

"I had my chance." Jax tells me when we are left alone.

"What do you mean?" I ask him

"I saw them, followed them through a market." He says starting to cry

"What?!" I ask him

"I let him go" he tells me and I completely lost for words "My dad's manuscript, it wasn't about changing the club. It was about changing his legacy. I don't belong here, Cara, and neither does Abel."

"Why did you do that?" I say getting annoyed

"Because he was with a father who didn't torture and murder a man yesterday."

"I don't care if you've killed a hundred men! He is your son!" I tell him starting to get upset. "Jax, your dad's manuscript was mainly guilt he felt, it wasn't the man you knew."

"He's gone." He said referring to Abel

"And what are you gonna tell your other kid when he asks what happened to his big brother?" I ask him

"I'm sorry" is all he says looking down at the floor "I didn't know this would happen to them"

"He could be in more danger!" I yell at him and then we were interrupted by the priest.

"Jimmy o'phelan has your son, He's reached out to the council. He wants safe passage to the States in exchange for the boy. I've advised they make the deal."

"So, what happens now?" Jax asks him

"Council considers it, probably wants to meet with you. Till then, we wait."

"None of this would have happened if you told us where he was when we got here." I tell the priest as I walk by him out the kitchen.

… …. …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …

The council made the deal for Jimmy O to have safe passage to the states in order for Abel to be reunited with us. Jimmy was Chib's ex Fiona's abusive husband and step father to Chibs daughter. He was a street boss and the face of the true IRA, therefore he was already on the enemy side of samcro.

The deal is risky, there's a chance Jimmy wont hand over Abel and gun down the priest, even though we were told there are assurances in place. The other risk is the guns, another part of the deal was that samcro expand their gun business with the IRA – this means pulling up more charters, creating more alliances, more organising and probably more violence.

It was late now and Me, Jax and the priest where waiting for Jimmy to turn up with Abel. It didn't take long for his car to turn up but it felt like hours of waiting. When the driver got out he patted down me and Jax just for precaution and finally opened the back car door for Jimmy to come out holding Abel.

He starts walking towards us and hands him straight to Jax.

"Hey" Jax says softly to Abel.

"Oh my god" I say in the same soft tone when I look and him and realise he's finally here safe.

Jax looks at me proudly then hands Abel to me gently.

"Hey, little man" I say holding him tight and kissing his face, inhaling his familiar scent.

"He's a sweet lad" Jimmy tells us "I wanted the good priest to return him right away. He's the one that kept him from his da, forced this situation … Let's go, Father."

"Wait a minute. Where are you going?" Jax says putting his hand out to stop the priest.

"Making the exchange." The priest says

"The only way I get out of here alive is with a hostage." Jimmy says smug

"You agreed to this?!" I ask the priest

"He's gonna kill you." Jax tells him but he ignores him and walks towards Jimmy's car.

"Be well, my son." The priest says as he touches Abel's head softly and gets in the car with Jimmy and they drive away leaving me, Jax and Abel.

"I can't believe he's back" I tell Jax ecstatic

"I'll never let anyone take you from me again." Jax says to Abel. "I love you." He then says and kisses him on the head, then kisses me.

"C'mon, let's get inside" Jax says and puts his arm around me and Abel.

…. ….. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….

We were all celebrating Abel being returned with some drinks. Everyone was happy, no one was filled with worry – we were all just living in the moment.

Gemma was holding Abel on the couch when Clay says "Welcome home, kid."

"Welcome." Everyone said together in a cheers.

"All right, come on. Let's go load the truck." Juice says

"Absolutely." Happy agrees.

Jax caught Bobby looking and Trinity and said "Dude, you're twice her age and three times her weight."

"- So?" Opie buts in

"Yeah, so?" Bobby agrees

"Get out of here, you dirty old men." I say walking towards Jax

"You doing okay Darling?" he asks me

"Yeah, I'm good" I say swinging my arms around his neck "I just can't wait to get home"

"Too beautiful Charming" he jokes

"Yeah righttt" I say and roll my eyes.

"I'm gonna give you a beautiful life, despite what happens" he says putting is hand on my stomach.

"I love you" I tell him

"I love you" he says back and he leans down to kiss me, it was nice until we were interrupted.

"Love birds, truck is loaded and ready" Chibs tells us.

We head downstairs, Jax holding Abel and me carrying my hold over bag. Maureen was waiting for us by the truck to say Good bye.

"To a safe home, eh?" she says

"Yeah." Jax says

"Thank you, Maureen" I tell her sincerely

"It's been nice, talking to you" she tells me

"You too" I smile at her and help Jax put Abel into the Truck and soon after we were hitting the road. To go home.


	32. Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32

It was about a day after we got back from Ireland, everyone is super Jetlag so not much has been happening. Me and Jax have been spending a lot of time with Abel – savouring each moment. In the time that he's been gone he has started doing new things like almost sitting up and grabbing on to things really strong.

Me and Jax went for an ultra sound at the hospital and I was already 12 weeks and the baby is perfectly healthy which was good to hear.

It was early morning and me and Jax were still in bed, I didn't sleep much last night due to the jet lag but also the worry of what's going to happen next.

"Morning" I tell Jax when I roll over after the little sleep I got.

"Morning" he says back

"I love you" I tell him and he says it back also and this moment felt perfect.

"What is it?" he asks me

"Whatever happens today, I'm right here." I tell him

"I know" he tells me and rubs my stomach and kisses me.

…. …. …. …. …. …. ….. ….. …. …. ….. ….

We were at the clubhouse having a big breakfast get together that Gemma planned and it was nice. Everyone was chill and laughing, it was nice to not be worrying about anything. Me Jax and Abel where sat at a table eating with my dad laughing at his terrible jokes.

"Hey, Lyla's got something she wants to say." Opie yells out to everyone and he gets our attention.

"We're getting married!" Lyla screams and holds up her hand with a large ring.

"Oh my god!" I say looking between Opie and Lyla. "This is amazing news!" I tell Lyla and hug her tight "Welcome to the family" I say and kiss her on the cheek.

"Yeah, brother!" all the guys call out

"Amazing, man" Jax congratulates Opie and hugs him

"Bachelor party! - I'm jealous, man." Tig says and we all laugh

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

The rest of the day was calm, I spent it at the club house with Gemma and Abel. I Kept trying to reassure her everyone would be okay with everything going on with the church assault charges. Deep down I didn't know if it was going to be okay I was just lying to myself and Gemma to make me feel better.

The guys had been in the chapel for a while but when Jax came out he told me he wanted to talk to me so he brought me through to the back room and we sit down.

"Everything okay?" I ask him hoping it is

"I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen, and you can't mention it to anyone, especially Gemma." He says in a very serious tone

"Okay" I say

"We made a vote. – A vote to trick Stahl into an under the table deal"

"What is an under the table deal?" I ask him

"It's where we make her think a deal is happening but it's not. In this case I'm the one making the deal with her."

"What kind of deal?"

"That I turn rat." He says and I start to think this isn't a good idea

"You are going to make her believe you turned rat, and the whole time the club will know about it?" I say trying to keep my voice quiet

"Yeah"

"For what though?" I ask him

"I'm gonna tell her that I'm handing her Jimmy O and all his IRA contacts over to her and a signed statement of all the gun running – all this with her thinking only I know. She thinks the club is just needing Jimmy for payback but I'm going to hand him over. It's something that if I really did as a real rat it would get me killed."

"Jesus" I say

"I already got her to drop the charges against Gemma and reduce our sentence for the church assault"

"How long could this sentence be?"

"Originally 15 years, reduced to 3 and 14 months with good behaviour."

"Oh my" I say standing up and I start pacing in front of him

"And when she asks for Jimmy, they guys will wonder how she knew."

"But then she will make you look like a rat –"

"But the club already knows, we just gotta get her to believe the club didn't. Make it real"

"And you're still gonna go away?" I ask him and he starts walking towards me.

"If I had a magic wand to stay here with you I would use it right now." He says putting both his hands on the side of my face.

"Yeah, me too" I say as he wipes away my tears I didn't even realise had started coming out.

"But we're gonna need your help." He tells me and I sigh.

… …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …

I was the only one that could be the save passage car for Jimmy whilst samcro gave the Russians money in exchange for him because that's who he was with. I had to ride with one of the prospects to the location.

"I got the map." Opie says as he puts it down on my car bonnet.

"Right"

"So here is where we will collect Jimmy, you know where that is?"

"Yeah, roughly" I tell him.

"You sure about this?" Jax asks when he approaches me and Opie gets himself organised

"I'm the only one who can do it, Admit it, you need me."

"Yes, I do." He says smiling.

"I need you to wear this." He says as he starts putting on a bullet proof vest.

"Fancy" I tell him laughing

"Heh. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."

"To us." I tell him

"Yeah."

"I'm ready" I tell him kissing him lightly.

"I love you" he tells me

"You should" I tell him bad and opened up my car door.

I had to ride with one of the prospects to the location, so I got in my driver's seat, whilst the prospect got in the passenger's seat and we started driver to the location.

….. …. ….. ….. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….

Once we got there we had to wait for a little while, once i heard the bikes and seen the black van it all felt really on edge but so far everything was going to plan.

Happy and Chibs started lifting Jimmy out of the back of the van who had his mouth tapped and his body tied.

"You okay?" Jax asks me quickly

"Yeah, let's go!" I tell the prospects and I get in the car and start driving back to the clubhouse.

The whole time in my head I can't help but think I have a hostage in my trunk. The same place where I put my groceries and Abel's things I have an IRA king awaiting his painful future – if he has a future that is.

… …. ….. …. ….. …. … …. ….. ….. ….. ….

We've been back at the clubhouse nearly ten minutes, waiting in anticipation. I've been trying to be as close to Jax as possible because after today I'm not going to see him like this or touch him like I normally do.

Suddenly a couple of cope cars roll in and a large ATF truck.

"Good Afternoon" Stahl says to us all who are gathered when she gets out the car.

"Where's Jimmy O?" she asks but no one says anything. "Look, I can have a dozen agents here in 20 minutes and they'll shred this white trash shit hole."

"Get him." Clay says to Tig and Juice and they pull him out the trunk of my car which was in the garage and some ATF agents start leading him past us

At this point I don't know how react, I know what's going to happen.

"Thank goodness for the American justice system." Jimmy says

"You're being taken into custody on suspicion of conspiracy to commit a terrorist act." Agent Stahl tells him

"Pleasure, lads, Sorry things didn't work out the way you planned, boys. Luck of the Irish, yeah?"

"How'd you know he was here?" Clay asks Stahl

"Because your VP made a deal." She tells him

oh god here we go, I'm trying to stay calm and tell myself this is all part of the plan but it's hard to watch

"You son of a bitch!" Jax yells at Stahl and I look over to Gemma who has the look of terror on her face. The kind of look I would have if I believe this was all for real, but I have to pretend.

"What? What is she talking about?" Clay asks

"You made a deal for Jimmy? What?!" Tig yells and my head it just moving back and forth between everyone trying to keep up.

"I did it for the club." Jax says with a sad look

"You ratted?!" Bobby yells pushing Jax "You ratted?!"

"I had no choice, look at everything we'll be facing!" Jax yells back.

I have to say they are doing good at making it believable for the feds.

"All this time tracking Jimmy, you turn him over?" Clay yells

"He blew up five men, Chibs lost his nephew." Juice then has his say then I look towards Gemma again and I can see she's panicking and she runs in between them

"She made him do it. He wasn't a rat!" she yells sounded desperate because she knew what happened to rats.

"You're dead!" Clay yells at Jax "You hear me? You are dead, Dead."

Oh My God, is this what would really happen?

Gemma is crying hysterically in a panic while the whole time I'm just stood still not knowing what to do.

It didn't feel real until one of the Agents grabbed Jax's arm and starts pulling him away

"You just signed my death warrant." He tells her

"I had to make sure that the prince had turned rat." She says – little does she know she didn't

"Let's go, Come on." The agent says gathering up Jax, Clay, Tig, Happy, Juice and Bobby

"Keep moving." They yell and I run behind jax and grab onto him and hug him while they keep him moving for the last time in god know how long. Then the tears start to flow.

The truck starts leaving I'm looking around and I can't see Opie, my dad or Chibs. What the hell is going on?

"Ah … what the hell is happening" Gemma cries out while Lyla tries to console her.

I go up to her crying "It's gonna be okay" I tell her

"No, it's not." She says but I start leading her inside the empty and quiet clubhouse.

… …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. …. …. …. …

After Gemma calmed down and I tried to as well she went home back to her place because she said she wanted to be alone I went home to where Neeta was with Abel, he was already sleeping when I got in.

When is sent Neeta home I sat down in the nursery staring into space trying to accept what just happened. I knew that Jax was going to Jail but I didn't know how it would feel to be this alone, pregnant and responsible for an infant.

When I look up towards the white dresser in front of me I notice a piece of paper with my name on it. I go over and pick it up and bring it back to my chair.

When I open it up it reads:

 _Cara,_

 _There is a part of the plan I didn't tell you. By the time you read this Stahl and Jimmy will be dead and as you know the club will be doing short time. I know this is hard for you but there's no one I trust more to take more of my boy while I'm gone. You are already a mother to him, I'm extremely grateful to have you to call my old lady, the mother of my unborn child and the love of my life._

 _In my bag from Ireland you will find a stack of letters who Maureen put in before we left. They are love letters back and forth between my dad and her. I haven't read them yet but i want you to read them and keep them to yourself. Me doing time is going to be painful for you to go through I won't deny but I will get in touch with you as soon as you can. Everything will work out._

 _I love you, Jax._

I look up from the letter with tears running down my face and go in to Jax's bag like he asked and dig for the letters.

When I pull them out I can tell they are old and full of history, I pull out one from the back and begin to read.

" _Every day it becomes more clear that I don't belong here. I'm certain now that Clay and Gemma are together. They barely try to hide it from me, Gemma hates my apathy. She hates all of me, her chill is terrifying. I know my days are numbered, Mo. And when these letters stop, you can be certain that my death will come at the hands of my wife and best friend. At least my sweet Thomas will never suffer my life. I miss him so much. I only pray that Jackson finds a different path. He already reminds me so much of myself."_

When I finish reading I feel as though another door has opened. A door full of past I didn't know happened and existed. Maureen gave these to Jax to tell him something, let him know who the people he thinks he is closest to are really the reason for his grieve and loss.

I know these letters are dangerous but I know Jax wanted me to have them so he didn't have to understand what they meant on his own. I just wish I could discuss them with him now rather than drown in my own thoughts.


	33. Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33

The next morning felt strange for me. There'd been mornings of course that I have woke up and Jax hasn't been there but this time I didn't know how he was waking up, what his day was going to consist of and when I would next get to speak to him.

It was important for me to go over to Gemma's with Abel to check on her and make sure she was okay, I figured somehow she would find out what really happened.

When I get there I let myself in carrying Abel on my hip.

"Gemma?" I call out

"Through here!" she calls back and I walk to where I hear her voice coming from which is in the dining room.

"Hey" I say when I approach her and sit down opposite her.

"Hey my little man" she says and picks up Abel off my lap and sits down with him.

"I just wanted to make sure you where okay"

"I wasn't, but I think I am now … I got a note from Jax, waitin for me when I got in, explaining everything. I guess you got the same?"

"Kinda" I tell her and she looks at me confused.

"I knew what was going on" I tell her

"What?" she asks shocked

"Jax told me the plan, he wanted me to know … Still, it doesn't make this easy"

"Jesus, he sure does trust you" she says

"I didn't know about Stahl and Jimmy, that was waiting for me in a note when I got home" I tell her leaving out the part about the letters.

"That part was the highlight" she says and we both laugh until I'm reminded of our situation.

"I don't know how I do this" I tell Gemma

"You just do, it's the shit part that comes along with the love you have for Jax"

"How do I bring Abel up on my own? Manage my pregnancy?" I ask and look at Abel

"Hey" she says and grabs my hand "You are not alone" she tells me

"I know that, it just feels a little lonely right now"

"First day is the hardest" she says

"God, what is next week gonna be like?"

"Why don't you stay here?" she asks me

"Really?" I ask surprised, who would of thought me and Gemma could be room mates.

"Yeah, I mean this place is big enough, you would get more help with Abel and when your pregnancy progresses your gonna need more support"

"Well I guess it doesn't sound like the worst idea, I guess I will just feel better when I get to hear from Jax."

"You will, you just gotta wait for the call" she says and I sigh.

… … …. … …. …. ….. …. …. …. …. …. ….

It was a couple of hours later when I was back at Jax's house or shall I start saying our house now. I was packing up a few bags for both me and Abel when the phone rang I ran through to the kitchen to grab it quickly hoping it would be Jax.

"This is a call from inmate 103224 from Calfornia's Country Jail, press one to accept, press -"

I hear and I press one for I can hear anything else.

"Hello" I at first say

"Hey babe" I hear Jax's voice say and I feel instantly relieved to hear it.

"Hey" I say back softly barely getting out "It's so good to hear you" I tell him

"You too, how are you and Abel doing?" he asks

"I'm good, he's good – he's with your mom at the moment. We miss you already" I say feeling my heart beating out of my chest.

"I miss you too babe" 

"How are things over there?" I ask him not really knowing what to say to him.

"Five star" he jokes and I laugh

"When can I come see you?"

"I dunno babe, still waitin on finding out visitation rights"

"God, I hope its soon" I beg

"Me too, look babe I gotta go ... times running out" 

"Ugh, I love you so much, please be safe"

"I love you too, kiss Abel for me"

"I will" I say and the call cuts out before I can say goodbye and I put the phone down and just stand there and let myself cry, then there's a knock at the door so I go to answer it.

When I open the door Unser is there.

"Hey, is now a bad time?" he asks

"No" I say wiping my eyes "Its okay, come in" I say and open the door wider for him.

"You needing anything?" I ask him

"Er, actually I just came round to check up on you, how you're doing?"

"That's sweet of you. I just got a call from Jax" I say trying to avoid my own feelings

"Oh yeah? How's he doin?" he asks

"Okay I think"

"Is the little man around?" he asks as I pour him some coffee

"No, he's at Gemma's right now" I tell him and gesture for him to sit and I sit down opposite him

"You gotta share him" he says and I laugh

"She's a good help, I'm gonna need it more now"

"Oh yeah, I heard about your little one on the way. Congratulations" he says and I smile at him.

"Thanks, it was unexpected and could have been better timing but I think it will keep me and Jax both feeling positive"

"You know; I remember when I had to arrest your old man for tryna beat up Jax when he first caught you both together. Jax was only fifteen at the time and your dad kept saying how he had to stay away from you – that he has to have respect for women. However, times have now changed and I see a different version of Jax when he's around you." He tells me and I know exactly what he's talking about, I remember it clearly – I was traumatized.

"I used to tell myself when I first came back here I can make him a better man. As it turns out I didn't need to make him better, he was still the loving, caring man I fell in love with"

"Yeah and I know you'll be okay with this, you spent ten years apart I'm sure you can do a short jail sentence" he tells me

"You're right, it's just the circumstances are a little different."

"Yeah, just a little" he says and finishes off his coffee and stands up

"Well eh ... thanks for the coffee"

"You're welcome, thanks for coming by and having a chat" I tell him and he opens up the front door.

"Anytime doc"

"Bye" I say and wave him off.

I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. This is what I dreaded about going back to work, the kind of looks I'm gonna get the odd people saying 'I'm sorry' and looking at me like I'm a helpless single mother who got mixed up with the wrong guy. I needed something to distract me and make my days go by quicker.

 **Hey guys! Please keep the feedback coming! I also wondered if you had any ideas for the story now that Jax is in jail and Cara is going to be on her own for a while.**


	34. Chapter 34

CHAPTER 34

A full month has gone by and Abel is getting so much bigger, Jax calls me nearly every day and living with Gemma so far has been working out well. I was now four months pregnant and things where progressing quick, I got another ultra sound the other week with another sonogram.

I was enjoying my cup of coffee while Abel still slept and reading through some of the letters Jax gave me.

" _Dear Mo, I don't know what I'd do without you, these letters are the only thing keeping me sane, I'm so lost here in Charming, nothing feels familiar. The club, my family everyone's a stranger. My grief and introspection terrifies them drives Gemma mad, and Clay's pity has moved into profound loathing. I see my best friend and my wife growing closer and closer. I have no jealousy, truly, I feel nothing, not even fear. And I know I should be afraid."_

Just reading that was enough for today. It's really sad knowing John lived this double life – he didn't know where his life was heading. Had the people around him really drove him to become this distant? The thought of it made me worry about Jax and when he reads these letters how his relationship with Clay and the club will change.

Today was the day I was going to go back to work while I can before I can go on maternity leave, I was driving on my way to Gemma's to drop Abel off. I was only going to do a short shift since this morning I got news that Jax was aloud his first visit and I was so excited to see him.

When I got to work it felt like nothing had changed. No one was treating me any differently other than the few whispers here and there. I was jumping straight into small surgeries and running around busy checking up on patients and signing paper work after paperwork.

"You should start taking it easy in your condition." Margaret said to me in the canteen when I came through for a coffee break.

"The paediatrician said it's better for me to stick with doing what my body is used to, I know my limits" I tell her

"Okay, well how's Abel? I never got to ask you since you got back" she asks me

"He's great, I'm lucky he sleeps through the night"

"Yeah, you better take full advantage of that while you can" she says and I nod and laugh taking a sip of my decaf coffee.

"And Jax?" she asks and I notice people around start quieting down and listening in, especially the nurses.

"I'm actually going to see him today, when my shift ends" I tell her trying to ignore the whispers

"That's great, give him my best wishes." She's says and I thank her as she leaves and goes back to work.

Since the whole thing with Gemma at the hospital Margaret has been more understanding and we've been getting along more. It's nice that she supports and doesn't judge like she used to. It also makes me feel bad for punching her in the face that time.

When Margaret left the same nurses kept staring and whispering. I decided instead of ignoring them I was going to confront them so I start walking towards them.

"Is there a problem?" I ask them

"No doctor" one of them says

"You know, maybe instead of standing here giggling like children over things that are none of your business and taking longer a break than you are entitled too you should go back to checking the patient's temperatures and leave the real healers to do their jobs" I tell them.

"Yes Doctor" they say and walk by whilst I roll my eyes.

… …. …. ….. …. …. …. … …. …. …. …. ….

My shift felt like it went incredibly slow because the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about going to see jax. Thankfully though that time had come.

I told Gemma this morning that's where I'll be going and offered her to come with but she declined – she thought I needed to see him alone which I'm glad she said really because I knew she needed to see him too – I selfishly didn't want to share my time.

I pulled up outside county jail and was overwhelmed by the building and the tall fences and amount of security. When I was younger Mary never allowed us to visit our dad in Jail, she only allowed phone calls – now I understand why.

When I entered the building I wasn't aware of how many questions they would ask and how many body scans there would be. I only thought I would have to say name who I came to see and that would be it.

After that was over I was standing in a que of other visitors waiting for them to open the door that would allow us to walk through to the room full of inmates.

I was nervous, excited and anxious all at the same time and when they finally opened the door I started searching for Jax. I looked around for a couple of seconds until I see him lift his head and his eyes meet mine. He's sat near the back at a table wearing a black beanie and I walk towards him until he stands up.

"Oh Jax" I say when I finally get to him and throw myself into his arms.

"Hey babe" he says into my neck still holding me tight.

"Look at you" I say as I pull back referring to his non-existent long hair under his beanie

"Wanted to impress you" he jokes and I laugh a little

"Do you see this?" I say turning to the side referring to my little bump that's starting to show.

"It's crazy" he says as he touches it and leans down to kiss me for the first time in what has felt like forever.

"I've missed doing this" he says through the kiss

"TELLER!" the guards shout in order for us to stop so we sit down next to each other since the officers don't like a lot of contact and Jax grabs my hand.

"I wish I could be at home with you whilst you are going through this, not much I can do to help in here" he says looking guilty.

"I'll be okay, I'm not alone" I reassure him "I brought you this" I tell him and pull out the sonogram from my jean pocket and hand it to him.

"Oh wow" he says smiling

"It's so much different to the first one huh?" I say smiling from ear to ear at Jax's reaction.

"Yeah, when will you find out if it's a boy or girl?" he asks

"I actually wondered if we could keep it as a surprise, if that's okay? But we can still discuss names"

"Yeah that would be a good idea, something to look forward too I guess" he says and grabs a hold of my hands

"Yeah, this all feels a little surreal" I say to him as I look around "Would it be okay for me to bring Abel some time?"

"Whatever you think is best, I don't want to confuse him"

"I just don't want you to miss out the little things with him you know?"

"I know, trust me I don't either."

"I went back to work today" I tell him trying to change to subject

"Really? You should take it easy babe, I've heard you've been busy"

"It's fine Jax, I take it Gemma has been on the phone?" I say putting my hand on his face and he nods.

"I love you so much" he tells me

"I love you" I say back and kiss him, savouring the moment and before we knew it our time was up and the officers where telling me to leave and we both stand up.

"Don't cry babe" he says when he notices the tears on my face and puts his hand there.

"Sorry, It's just I worry about you" I say sniffing

"Don't okay? I'm fine. I promise." He tells me and kisses me one last time

"Okay" I say

"I'll see you next week and I'll call" he says his face still close to mine.

"Yeah, soon" I say and he grabs my hands and kisses my knuckles.

"Bye babe" he says and let's go

"Bye" I tell him wiping my face and walking towards the guard.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

When I got back to Gemma's I felt drained from crying, work, worrying – everything.

"How'd it go?" Gemma asks me when I approach her on her bed whilst she's holding a sleeping Abel

"It was harder than I thought" I say when I slouch down next to her

"First visit is always the hardest"

"When will you see Clay?" I ask her

"Tomorrow" she says and I nod.

"Jax cut his hair off" I tell her staring at the ceiling trying to picture him

"Really?" she asks

"Yeah, but he's still cute" I say smiling "He seems like really good which is weird considering what he's going through"

"He's tough baby"

"Yeah I'm glad one of us is" I say as turn around and stare at Abel

"Don't think you aren't tough too mom, once you go through child labour you'll know what I'm talking about"

"Can't wait" I say sarcastically and she laughs.

Today made all of this feel real. Seeing Jax vulnerable in a horrible place did make me worry more. Samcro has enemies, most of them probably doing time with them. I remember when my dad was inside mom would get calls quite often saying he was taken to hospital after a misunderstanding with another inmate. I don't want a phone call like that because once they fix him they put him back in again for him to get hurt him again and how is that staying on the good side of the law?


	35. Chapter 35

CHAPTER 35

Another month later and my morning routing hasn't changed – sitting with a cup of coffee reading more and more letters between John and Maureen. Some would make me cry, some would even make me smile at how smitten they were with each other – then I would snap myself out of it and remember that this was the affair that affected Jax a lot when his dad was away.

In the past month the baby has been moving like crazy. I have sleepless nights and work is becoming harder because my back hurts more and so do my feet. But I also have sleepless nights over the letters, because I know only I and Jax know they exist. I knew it was only a matter of time before Gemma would find them somewhere, I try not to act like I'm hiding something but this is Gemma. She knows every secret behind every lie.

I have been Jax once a week and each time it's getting easier, I took Abel with him last time and it really brightened up Jax's mood and some of the guys who got to see him too. At first Jax was worried he wouldn't recognise him but when he spoke Abel's face lit up.

I had decided I needed to get something off my chest about these letters and the only person I trust enough to talk to them about is my dad. I haven't even mentioned the letters to Jax when I visit him and neither has he because I don't want to get into a deep discussion and make him upset.

I pulled up at the clubhouse and it was quiet. It's been quiet the past couple of months with most of the guys being gone.

When I walked inside my dad was eating his breakfast.

"Oh hey sweetheart!" he says when he see's me walk him

"Hey! What you got there?" I ask him as I sit down holding on to my bump.

"The kind of stuff that would kill a pregnant woman like you" he jokes

"Probably" I reply

"How you holdin up? You want coffee?" he asks

"No thanks, I'm okay I think; I've been visiting Jax as much as I can"

"At least you're visiting him, Mary never came seen me"

"Yeah well I'm not her" I tell him

"Damn right" he says laughing with his mouth full – he's gross

"So, I actually I came to ask you something, or tell you something rather"

"Okay" he says looking concerned

"It's about John."

"What about him?" he asks, the mention of John clearly getting his attention

"Do you ever think that what happened to him might of not been an accident?"

"He was hit by a semi" he snapped at me

"Yes, I know but –"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I got these letters, Maureen put them in Jax's bag before he left for Ireland. They are love letters between her and john"

"Why are you reading em" he says looking a little bit annoyed.

"Jax wrote me a note wanting me to"

"Well they are none of your business" he snaps at me

"Maureen put them in his bag for a reason dad" I say snapping back at him this time

"You are an Old lady Cara, you don't need to know old history"

"Excuse me?" I ask him feeling offended.

"It's just dead history" he says getting up and walking off down the hall

That was not the reaction I was expecting so I decided to follow him.

"What do you mean I don't need to know?" I ask him when he's standing now in the back room.

"It's dangerous for you to get in to this shit, you reading about John's thoughts, piecing shit together"

"Piecing shit together?!" I say now yelling "Should I be?!"

"Cara, you should just focus on yourself in your condition."

"I'm pregnant dad not fucking dying of cancer." I tell him and take a breath "Did you know about John and Maureen?"

"He was my best friend, I knew only what he told me" he says and I sit down on the bed

"It's just, the way he wrote about how he was feeling, how he lived in fear of Clay and his own wife. What do you think that tells me?"

"It doesn't matter, do you know how bad this will mess up Jax's head, what he will do? How this will change things?" Dad says continuing to be negative about the situation.

"You mean by dealing with it? He would deal with it the right way, do what should have been done."

"You shouldn't let him read the letters." He tells me with a serious tone

"He knows about them!"

"Well get rid of em, hide them and say you forgot where you put them."

"I don't lie to Jax like that. I'm not like that." I tell him

"Well maybe you need to be! If you love him you will!" he yells, raising his voice and I just stare back him blankly

"Why do you care if Jax reads them?! I thought you of all people would understand the way you talked about his manuscript, even giving Jax the one John wrote for you"

"That was about the club. This is different and I care about Jax a whole lot!"

"Bullshit. Maybe you should start giving shit about the things that matter instead of sitting on your ass being miserable and judgmental towards everyone else." I say, stand up and storm out feeling completed un satisfied with that conversation.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

After that argument/conversation with my dad I began to over think the letters more and more. It was so obvious that Johns death wasn't just an accident and I knew that if Jax knew this it would break him and maybe it would be best if I kept it quiet – just for now.

It was getting late and Gemma was at the club house while I stayed home with Abel while he slept.

I was just starting to drift off when Abel started to cry. I managed to get myself out of bed and over to Abel's crib.

"Hey" I say as I lift him "What's the matter?" I say patting his back "huh?". I sit back on the bed with him hoping that he will sleep better here.

I sat him on my lap facing me once he stopped and he was now smiling "You're giving me smiles now are you huh?" I say at him and he mumbles back baby words and he now has me laughing.

"You're too cute" I tell him and lean down to kiss his cheeks "C'mon let's go get a snack" I say to him and carry him through on my hip to the kitchen. When we get through Gemma comes back.

"Oh hey!" she says to me "Why aren't you sleeping little man?" she asks to Abel

"He decided he didn't want to" I tell her and she asks him again "You giving momma a hard time?"

"How's things at TM?" I ask her as I heat up a bottle for Abel

"Quiet." She replies

"Yeah, it's weird huh?"

"Awful" she says in agreement

"So, Abel took a couple of steps this morning"

"Really?! Did you get to tell Jax?"

"He didn't get to call today"

"Aw, oh well – maybe you will be able to tell him tomorrow."

"Yeah, … I'm gonna take this with Abel back to bed"

"Okay, sweetheart – goodnight"

"Night" I tell her and go back through to the bedroom. I can't believe it slipped my mind about Abel this morning, I've been so distracted with these letters and then the argument with my dad that it never even seemed like a big deal at the time


	36. Chapter 36

CHAPTER 36

One more month had gone by and it was time for another visitation with Jax. I didn't get as anxious going to see him like I did in the beginning.

When I got there the officers patted me down like usual and asked me the same boring questions. I mean they see me once a week, it's frustrating.

"Ma'am, how are you this week?" One of the female officers asks me as I wait for the visitation room to open – she normally works the same shift I visit.

"I'm okay, thank you. Keeping busy" I tell her and she smiles.

"No little one this time?" she asks

"No, I think the last time was too traumatic for him" I say laughing lightly.

The last time I brought Abel they had to body scan him and I have to take off most of his clothes which obviously I had no problem with because it's the rules but Abel did not agree.

When the door opened and Jax was sitting in his usual spot. When I got to him we hugged tight and held for a little while and Inhaled him.

"Hey baby, how are you?" he says when we let go and I sit down next to him

"Feeling fat." I said honestly and he laughed.

"You look beautiful babe" he tells me and I blush.

"I'm sorry I didn't bring Abel it's just easier if Gemma can come with me"

He shakes his head and smiles. "Don't worry about it babe, I got plenty of more time in here to see him"

"He's starting to walk now and say a few things - I just want you to see it" I say and without noticing how it affects him as he has his head down.

"Shit sorry baby I didn't meant to rub it in like that" I tell him grabbing a hold of his hands.

"No, I want to hear these things it's just hard y'know?"

"Yeah" I say in sympathy

"So I've actually been meaning to ask you, remember the note I left you when we got arrested" he says and I nod hoping he's not going to mention the letters. "Did you find the letters I was talking about?" he asks. Shit.

"Oh …" I say trying to think what the hell I can say "Yeah, I read them – nothing special, just sweet letters." I tell him telling him only half the truth.

"Yeah?" he asks and I nod at him and smile. "You still haven't mentioned them to anyone?" he asks again.

"No, of course not." I tell him feeling guilty for lying

"Okay, I just didn't know what was gonna be in them y'know?"

"What did you think would be in them?" I ask him wondering if he had the slightest of idea what John really talked about.

"Not sure, the way she said she wanted me to know John like she did. I dunno I guess I was just over thinking it." He says and kisses my hand.

"Are you sleeping any better?" he asks changing the subject and he sounds so sweet. When me and Jax last spoke on the phone I explained to him how I was tired more than often due to the baby moving around too much during dark hours.

"On and off" I say shrugging my shoulders.

"Can you smoke shit when you're pregnant? Help you relax."

"Seriosuly? Like weed?" I ask him and he shrugs his shoulder. "Unless you want our child to come out with three arms and one leg then no." I tell him laughing

"With a mother like you I highly doubt that." He says and I blush again.

"You are one of a kind Teller" I say stroking his stubble and he winks and me I get butterflies and the baby starts doing backflips.

"Here" I say to him and grab his hand and put it on my stomach. "You feel that?"

"Woahh, that's crazy"

"Yeah, pretty amazing actually, … I mean it is now, not through the night." I say

"You're six months now right?" he asks and I nod

"You know it would be kind cute if you wrote letters, don't you think?" I ask him nicely

"Have you been inspired by the Irish romance?" he says jokingly with the biggest grin on his face.

"No, it's just I think it's nice to be able to read something as many times as you want, and you can give me updates on what you are doing at the time you are writing"

"I'll write to you" he tells me grinning from ear to ear.

"You will?" I ask him giving him back a big grin

"Yeah – I just gotta figure out how to write phone sex"

"Jax!" I yell at his and playfully slap him on the arm.

.. …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. … … ….

When I got back to Gemma's she was calling me through to the bedroom from the moment I walked through the door.

"What is it?!" I ask when I get closer. When I entered the room Gemma was sat on the floor with Abel standing in front of her.

"Oh my god Abel"

"Are you gonna walk for mommy?" Gemma asks him and I sit down on the floor best I can opposite Gemma in front of Abel.

"Come here baby" I cue at him and he starts taking a couple of steps. "C'mon you can do it!" I encourage him and he starts taking a few more steps until he reaches my arms and drops himself into them.

"Good job!" I tell him and smother his face with kisses.

"Jax would be so proud" Gemma says and it makes me start to tear up.

"Cara, don't cry" Gemma tells me and comes closer next to me and starts rubbing my back

"He's just growing too fast before Jax can even see" I say wiping my eyes

"Babies do that darling" she says and I give her a glare "Sorry" she then says

"We've only got another eleven months to go" I say sarcastically and Gemma starts laughing, I laugh with her then Abel does too. Oh what a dysfunctional life I live.


	37. Chapter 37

CHAPTER 37

I was now seven months pregnant and when the sight of seeing Abel taking his first steps brought me to tears but so does running around after him with this bump which is about to pop.

I just received my first letter from Jax that I asked him to write in the mail. Turns out the mail system over at county is certainly not first class. When I finally get the chance to sit down whilst Abel is distracted I open it up and read it.

 _Dear Cara,_

 _Here goes letter number one. I don't know when you will get this so I can't guarantee by the next time we talk this will make any sense._

 _Today has consisted of absolutely nothing but waking up from an awful night's sleep and not just from Bobby's snoring. It's easier to tell you this in a letter than to your face because I don't want to feeling sorry for me and giving me that look but sometimes I have bad nightmares. I won't go into detail but they are so bad that when I wake up the first think I want to console me is to hear your voice and make sure you are ok; even though I know you are._

 _A couple of days ago me and the guys where moved out of the pod we were in into paired cells due to the bad attention we were getting – too many fights, endless amounts of attention needed from officers, they decided it was the best thing just so they didn't have to fill out any paperwork. I am safer so you don't need to worry and I put up the latest sonogram picture you gave me on my wall next to my bunk alongside a few pictures of me and you._

 _The guys tell me every day just to think of you Abel and the baby that way I can get through this sentence, do my time and get home to you. I do. It's all I think about._

 _This place is changing me Cara – I think in a good way at least. I know when I get out the club won't be the same, I won't feel the same towards it. I am writing these words down now to you so that you can prove to me when I mess up that this is what I meant._

 _I can't wait to see you soon, I love you_

 _Jax_

 _X_

After finishing the letter, it made me feel content. I wish he could express his feelings more in person but reading them down on paper was an effort for him and I can read them as much as I want and hold those words against him.

I went to start reading it again when I was interrupted by the phone ringing. I sighed at the effort to walk over to the phone but I thought it might be Jax so I picked it up.

"Hello?" I say

"Hello is this Miss Cara Winston speaking?" the woman says on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, it is, who is this?" I ask and lean against the counter

"I'm one of the medic's here at the Stockton jail where your husband Jackson Teller is –

As soon as I hear her say her name and who she was I interrupt her "Is he okay?!"

"Yes ma'am, unfortunately he got into an accident –

"Where is he?" I say interrupting her again. I started to panic and pace Gemma's kitchen holding onto my bump.

"He's at St Thomas, I can text you the details" she tells me

"No no its okay, I work there! I'll go now, Thank you." I say and hang up and start dialling Gemma's number but she doesn't pick up so I leave a message all while trying to put on my boots and pick Abel up from his walker.

"Gemma, I need you to call me back as soon as you get this. I'm leaving to go to St Thomas, Stockton called and Jax got into an accident, I don't know what's going on"

I get Abel in the car and strap him in to his car seat and decide there's no way I'm bringing him to the hospital because I don't know what condition Jax is in or what even happened.

I get to the club house, quickly grab Abel out the car along with his diaper bag and walk as quick as I can to the door and when I walk in I see Opie at the pool table straight away.

"Thank god!" I say in relief and hand him Abel and he takes him

"I need to get to the hospital, its Jax. Can you watch him?" I say out of breath.

"Yeah course, what happened?!" he asks confused holding onto a wriggly Abel

"I don't know; I need to go! I'll call you!" I tell him and start walking away but turn back and say "And call Gemma! She's not picking up her cell"

…. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. … ….

On my way to St Thomas I probably skipped about two red lights but I wasn't caring – whatever was going to get me there quicker.

When I arrived I was getting strange looks because I know everyone recognises me but I'm not usually seen walking around lost and this dis orientated looking.

"Cara!" I hear from behind me and when I turn around it's Margaret

"Margaret! Do you know where Jax is? I got a call –

"Yes, yes come with me." She says and I feel relieved that I can finally see him. She leads me down to his room while saying "He came in a short while ago, his wounds are superficial but –

"Wounds? What actually happened?" I ask out of breath

"They didn't tell you? … He was stabbed three times" she tells me

"Oh my god" I whine and cover my mouth in disgust

"He's just in here." Margaret says and puts her arm around my shoulder and takes me to the door where an officer is standing outside.

"Excuse me sir." Margaret tells the officer rudely and I thank her as he moves out the way so I can open the door.

When I see Jax, he's lying back on the bed in a gown cuffed to the bed.

"Jax?" I cry out to him

"Cara?" he calls back but he sounds drowsy like he's on a lot of meds.

"Yeah it's me" I tell him and kiss him "It's okay"

I take a seat next to his bed and hold his cuffed hand and wipe my face.

"It's not as bad as it looks babe" he tells me and I start crying even more "Hey, don't cry"

I put my head down then look back up at him "I was so worried"

"But I'm here"

"What happened?" I ask him

"It happened quick, I was waiting in line to call you then all of sudden these guys tackle me to the ground and then it went black"

"Jesus Christ Jax" I curse and then the door flings open and I turn around and its Gemma.

"I got your message" she tells me and goes around the other side of Jax and grabs his face

"oh my god baby, what the hell happened?" she asks him

"He was stabbed three times" I tell her from my side of the bed.

"Jesus, why?!" she asks and I shrug my shoulders.

"It doesn't matter why right now."

"Yes it does Jax, they are going to send you back there when you are better. For what?! For this to happen again?! What about if something worse happens. You seen what happened to Otto." I say teary eyed.

"You are over reacting. I have protection."

"Well, clearly not in the hallways where you take your calls!" I yell at him and he turns to look at Gemma which she then says "She's got a point"

"Mom can you give us a minute please?" Jax asks Gemma and she leaves the room

"There's nothing that can be done to stop me going back inside, you know that. You have to accept that these things happen – it's rough in there Cara. You can't get yourself stressed in a state like this"

"I'm sorry but it's not just something I can accept as normal."

"Nothing about your life is normal, baby" he says and I roll my eyes.

"That's what scares me" I say

"We will get through this babe" he says and I grab his hand again and tell him "I hope so"


	38. Chapter 38

CHAPTER 38

Abel was running around everywhere this morning while I was trying to get him ready to see Jax. This will be the first time Jax will see Abel walk and I can't wait to see his reaction.

"Now that'll keep you on our toes" I hear Opie referring to Abel saying from behind and I didn't even realise he had walked in.

"Oh hey!" I say to him as I try packing Abel's diaper bag as quick as I can "It's been a month of walking and in that month I get fatter and more un able to run around him, so yeah I'm always on my toes."

"Come ere boy" Opie says and picks him up. "You on your way to Stockton?" he asks while Abel tugs at his beard.

"Yeah, if I'm late I will just get less time so I'm in a rush"

"Guess I came at a bad time huh" Opie says and looks at Abel then asks me "You want a ride, I can just ride your car and wait while you are in there"

"Really? That would be great help. You can't come in though, there's a two-person limit." I say as I fling the bag over my shoulder

"Yeah course I know, I remember when Donna complained about driving further along in her pregnancy" he says as we walk out to my car.

"Yeah it's uncomfortable" I say as I squeeze myself into the passenger seat and Opie puts Abel in the back.

"Just you wait till after" he says and I smack his arm

"You guys got it way too easy" I tell him and he laughs and starts driving.

… … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …

As soon as we are let into the visitation room I hold Abel's hand as he waddles through to the room towards Jax, it takes us twice as long at his speed but with the size of my bump I don't mind.

"Can you find daddy?" I say to him and when is see Jax I let go of Abel's hand and he starts walking ahead towards Jax.

"Hey my little man!" Jax says to Abel ecstatically and picks him up and squeezes him. "You got so big!" he says

"He loves walking" I tell Jax

"Come here babe" Jax says as he puts his arm out towards me for a hug and we kiss.

"I'm glad you brought him" Jax tells me and he sits him down on his lap

"I thought you seeing him walk would brighten you up, you got to take it easy lifting him though with your wounds."

"They are healing" he tells me but I say otherwise

"They might look like it but they will take a while" I tell him seriously

"Ok doc." He says smiling

"Haven't called me that in a while" I say trying to wink at him

"Are you still living with Gemma?" he asks

"Yeah, Abel loves having the space to run around" I say and start playing with Abel's hands who is itching to get down and walk about. "So, I've been thinking about baby names."

"Oh god" he says sarcastically

"Hey! I think I have some good choices. So, for a boy Thomas" I say and his face lights up "And for a girl maybe something like Luna. I've been reading some stuff and apparently Luna was the name of a greek goddess of the moon who was badass"

"A greek goddess?" he asks me raising his eyebrow

"Yeah well, it's really the badass part really got me. I mean she would be a teller."

"That's right, but I have a feeling it's a boy. Thomas is a perfect name"

"Yeah me too" I say smiling at him and Abel starts clapping his hands best he can and it makes us both laugh.

… …. …. …. …. …. … …. … … …. … …

I go to the club house after my visit with Jax and Gemma approaches me from my car.

"I need to talk to you" she says seriously

"Okay" I tell her and follow her through to the office asking Chibs to watch Abel on the way.

"What is it?" I ask her when I get inside and shut the door completely unsure what it is that's wrong.

"I found this on the floor next to Abel's crib" she says and slams down the piece of paper Maureen left with the letters as a note to Jax. Abel must have lifted it out of one of the drawers and didn't even think he would get it but now with his walking around everywhere he can get into more things.

"Well? You gonna tell me what this is?" she asks and I begin to panic. I hadn't thought about what would happen if Gemma found any of the letters or anything connected to it. I certainly didn't think it would freak her out this much.

"It's a note, from Maureen Ashby" I tell her trying to keep my cool.

"No shit Cara. What is he talking about? Saying she wants Jax to know John like she did?"

"She left some letters John used to write to her, sweet letters. It's no big deal" I tell her praying that will satisfy her questions enough.

"Like love letters?" she asks me and I shrug my shoulders again feeling nervous. "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything about them to you cause that was your husband at the time writing those things"

"But why would she want Jax to read them and why do you have them?" she keeps asking

"Because they are just sweet letters that might be nice for Jax to read, that's all. Jax asked me to read them in the note he left me when he got arrested."

"You really think Jax reading about his old man's affair would be 'nice for him to read'" she asks and I just shrug my shoulders. "Can I read them?" she then asks and I feel the panic again, her reading them is the last thing I want.

"I mean; they might not be so nice for you to read. Wouldn't it just bring back bad memories for you?" I say trying to put her off.

"I think I can handle it Cara" she says putting her hand on her hip. "Where are they?"

"At work" I lie and she raises her eyebrow

"What you read em in between surgery?" she asks sarcastically and I sigh and say "Yes, I read them at work where I get to relax 'in between surgeries' sometimes."

"Have you read them all?" she asks and I think of another lie "Yeah, there isn't many, didn't take me long."

"I just wanna make sure they are okay before Jax reads em"

"They are" I try to reassure her

"For you maybe but maybe not for me" she says and I squint my eyes at her and say "What is that's supposed to mean?"

"Well he's my son and John was my husband. I still gotta protect him"

"I can protect him" I tell her starting to get annoyed. She keeps pushing like she knows something else is in those letters like I do. Something bad about her she doesn't want Jax to find out.

"What are you hiding?" she questions me

"Why do you assume I'm hiding something?! They are just love letters Gemma! Why are you getting so paranoid!?" I start yelling at her

"Should I be?!" she yells back.

"No! … Look, I've got to get to a doctor's appointment can you watch Abel?" I ask lying to her again and i pick up my bag.

"Sure" she says bluntly still standing with her hand on her hip and I walk out slamming the door behind me

"You okay there darlin?" Dad asks me out in the parking lot.

"Yeah" I say to him, put my sunglasses on then walk closer and say quietly "Actually can you meet me at the hospital? I need to talk to you about something"

"Yeah, I'll be right there" he says and I hop into my car.

… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … …. …

On my way to the hospital I stop by Gemma's and grab the letters out my dresser underneath a bunch of clothes and put them in my bag and when I get to the hospital the first thing I do is put them in my locker and lock the door.

I meet my dad in the hospital chapel after wards where he's sat waiting for me.

"Seemed like an emergency what's up?" he asks when I sit down next to him

"Gemma knows, about the letters."

"How much does she knows?" he asks and I sigh look down

"I told her they were just sweet letters but I don't think she believes me. She was asking me if I was 'hiding' something. She wants to read them"

Dad lets out a deep breath and rubs his chin "Well. Let me tell you one thing, these letters are dangerous and you do not want them to come between you and Gemma. You have to get rid of them."

"Get rid of them? No! Jax gave them to me, what will happen when he asks me about them again?" I quietly yell

"He asked?"

"Yeah, I mean he didn't care much but he remembers them."

"Give them to me." He says and I shake my head and say "Gemma is gonna keep asking till I give them to her."

"Give her the few that don't say much, and give me the rest." Dad suggests

"Jesus Christ" I mutter under my breath

"Don't stress yourself out sweetheart" dad tells me squeezing my knee.

"Easier said than done" I tell him


	39. Chapter 39

CHAPTER 39

Today I was going to help Lyla get some wedding planning done. The past month I have worried more about Jax being inside more than ever before. I worried he would get hurt again.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around much to help you with this" I tell her as we go through the list of invites.

"No, it's okay. Honestly you have way more on your plate than I do" she says

"Yeah, I'm glad you are waiting until after I give birth. I do not fancy being a heavily pregnant maid of honour" I tell her and she laughs. "So, have you chose a dress?" I ask her

"Yes! That's what I wanted to show you today! Give me five minutes!" she says and I nod at her and grab my coffee mug while I wait.

Five minutes later Lyla walks back through to the kitchen wearing a short white mini dress. I won't lie I'm not shocked because it's her but it's definitely different.

"Wow." Is all I say trying to hide how I really think

"Do you like it?" she asks while she spins around and shows me the back.

"Yeah, it's … it's very you" I say

"Thanks, I'm gonna go change before Ope walks in" she says and leaves the kitchen again.

I follow her through to the bedroom "So I'm assuming there will be people there you won't have sent invites to?" I ask her

"Probably a few last minute people Opie might want there yeah, I don't know really."

"Can I ask you something?" she asks when she's out of her dress and sat on the bed.

"Sure, what is it?" I ask her when I dump myself down on the bed next to her with my hand on my bump.

"What was Opie's last wedding like? With donna" she asks and it's something I didn't expect her too.

"Well" I say trying to take myself back to that day "It happened really quick. They were young, around eighteen. Opie had been prospecting for the club for about a year which at the time Donna was okay with"

"What do you mean at the time?" she asks

"Well, Donna didn't really understand the life. She loved Ope more than anything and me and her where really close but she just didn't like accepting that part of him. She wanted to live a normal life, didn't like the idea of being an old lady."

"So did they elope?" she asks and I shake my head

"No, they had a proper wedding which was thrown together in the best way possible in the short amount of time they wanted it done in. It was nice, I had a sister which was what I always wanted."

"Must have been hard for you, when she died"

"I think I felt guilty." I say and look up feeling emotional thinking about it "When I moved away I pushed everyone away just to try focus on med school and when Opie went inside for five years Donna struggled while I was still in Chicago. I should of came back and helped her out but I wasn't ready. I mean I called and I sent her money just to help out but I got the feeling when I came back that it just wasn't enough. I was selfish … and I never got to tell her I was sorry for that." I say and let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding in and the tears.

Lyla rubs my arm making sure I'm ok and I wipe my tears "Sorry, these god damn hormones."

"It's okay, it sounds like she was an incredible woman"

"She was. Opie loves you Lyla. Thank you for putting up with him and fixing his heart" I tell her not wanting her to feel left out and like dirty seconds.

"I think he came to me at a time where we both needed each other the most y'know?" she says and I nod and smile at her.

I haven't really thought about Donna much with everything else that's been going on. That's why when I talk about her it's difficult. Me and Donna where like glue when we were young, she was a couple years older like Opie and Jax but we bonded and related to each other really well. The night I talked with Jax one last time before I left for Chicago after I went to say goodbye to Donna and the whole time I cried about Jax without even acknowledging how she would feel about me leaving. Donna helped me feel better despite how she felt at the time. That's how she was, she was selfless and I was the complete opposite.

 **Sorry this chapter is so short I have been really busy with coursework for college this week! I hope you enjoyed!**


	40. Chapter 40

CHAPTER 40

I finally reached nine months and I was a week overdue. I was ready and I know that this baby is ready but I'm also terrified. I want more than anything for Jax to be there at the birth but I have to settle for Gemma. There's no way Mary is cut out for being supportive birthing partner and I don't like the idea of Opie or my dad being in there either.

The last couple of days I've been experiencing some minor contractions here and there and everything Gemma notices she freaks out and demands we go to the hospital. However, I am a doctor and I know how this works despite not giving birth before. I wanted to wait till the very last minute to go to hospital, I was going to try labour at home then rush to the hospital when it was necessary.

It was early morning and the contractions where coming with full force. Right now one was trying to tear up my insides and all I can do is close my eyes and pray for it to be over quick.

Gemma would rub my back and push back my hair but really she was being more of a pain in the ass than helping.

"Can you not" I say holding up my hand when my contraction finally stops.

"Sorry, are you sure you don't just wanna go to the hospital check how many centimetres you are?" she asks me standing with her hand on her hip.

"No, because I will get there and it will be disappointing." I tell her as I try straightening my back out.

"Damn, you are stubborn." She says and I roll my eyes. "You want me to call your dad tell him what's going on?" she asks and I give her a look of 'are you stupid?' "I wish we could just call Jax" she says

"Tell me about it" I sigh and start rubbing my lower back leaning against the kitchen counter. "Is there not a number we can call that they can just pass a message on?"

"I mean I can try but they are just ass wholes, they don't give a shit" she says and picks up the phone, it's not long until someone answers.

"Hi, is there someone I can speak to so I can pass an urgent message over to an inmate?" Gemma asks then another contraction comes so I put my elbows over the counter again taking deep breathes best I can.

"It's regarding my son, his wife is in labour." I her Gemma say then "Well, I don't wanna wait till he can call himself, neither does she!" she says and I can tell by what she's saying the message will not get to Jax.

"Thanks for nothing!" she yells down the phone and hangs up. "Told ya!" she tells me.

"Ugh!" I moan in pain and frustration "I just want this to be over!"

"It will be darling, soon. I hope" Gemma says and again starts rubbing my back and I roll my eyes for the tenth billion time.

.. … …. .. .. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

It was only a couple of hours later and we ended up at St Thomas. My water broke when I went to the toilet at home and that was sign I needed to go because I didn't want an infection.

I was hooked up to an IV and puffing on the gas and air which I was not letting go off it any time soon.

"I'm just gonna check how far along you are Dr Winston" the OB told me when she walked in the room.

"Thank god, please let it be far" I say in frustration.

"Congratulations! You are nine centimetres!" the OB tells me happily!

"Really?!" I ask her shocked

"Wow, that's great!" Gemma says

"Told you it was good to wait" I tell her and she nods.

… … …. …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. …

Only half an hour later and I was pushing. My contractions where really close together, I was clenching my teeth by this point and cursing at everyone.

"Di-d you get a h-old of Jax y-et?" I ask Gemma through small pushes and breathes, sweating rigorously

"No baby, sorry. The same bitch answered the phone said he couldn't call right now. Just breathe okay? Focus on your breathing and pushing" she tells me trying to keep my calm. But nothing will keep me calm.

"I just want Jax" I cry out; I don't know if I'm crying from the pain or the fact Jax isn't here.

"Is the heartbeat okay?" I ask the OB feeling paranoid about the same flaw Abel has.

"Yes, it's good doctor but you need to keep pushing so the baby won't feel distressed."

"I know, I know" I say then start to feel another contraction and I push.

"C'mon Cara push!" Gemma yells at me

"I AM GEMMA!" I yell back at her and dig my chin into my chest, hold my breath and push for ten seconds.

"One more push and your baby is here!" The OB tells me and by this point I start to feel dizzy and dis-orientated. I know it's because I'm exhausted but my mind feels elsewhere, I still feel the burning pain but I keep thinking of Jax and what he would be saying to me right now. He would be at my side instead of Gemma getting me through it.

All those years ago I didn't think this is where I would be, back here having Jax's baby. I think back to when I left Charming and broke his heart. I was at the club house where I was trying to speak some sense into Jax about coming with me to Chicago before I left that night, that night broke me and I cried my whole way to Chicago – my heart felt broken into a million pieces as did I bet Jax's.

{

" _When's your flight?" he asked me_

" _Tonight, that's why I'm here now to –"_

" _To say good bye? Leave your life behind" he says getting angry and I roll my eyes_

" _I offered for you to come with me Jax."_

" _For me to do what?! We have been over this. It's not that easy for me!" he yells_

" _Because of the club?" I ask him and he doesn't need to answer for me to know. "This is an opportunity for me to do great things Jax, all this time you have knew about what I wanted why can't you just support me? I support all the things you do"_

" _I do support you Cara! It just feels like I don't matter, like all this time together you just wanna throw away!"_

" _You do matter Jax. I love you. I love you so much I want us to do everything together, like Chicago! I want to get married, have babies with you and grow old with you. Away from this place." I tell him starting to cry and he's shaking his head._

" _It's your dream, not mine" he says_

" _And so is this! This club is your dream. For me? It's a place I wanna run from"_

" _Well, you seem like your mind is already made up" he says looking down at the ground_

" _Jax" I say walking closer to him and placing my hands on his chest "I will always love you. I love you for you and not the patch you wear" I feel tears coming down my face and see them coming down his too._

" _I can't even remember samcro when you weren't around Cara." He says putting his hands over mine on his chest._

" _That's because I've always been here but there's a part of me that doesn't belong here Jax, I need to find it and then I will maybe know if samcro is really in me."_

" _So that's it, you're just gonna leave?"_

" _I'll call you" I say and he backs away from me drops my hands and starts shaking his head again "We can write to each other, you can visit." I tell him._

" _This is such bullshit … if you're gonna leave then please just leave already"_

" _Jax" I plead at him_

" _Cara … don't make this any harder than it already is"_

" _I'm so sorry" I tell him, looking at him through my blurred tear filled eyes as I approach him wanted to touch him one last time but he resists and doesn't look at me._

 _Then I leave and pack up my last things for Chicago, only leaving my heart behind with Jax._

 _}_

I was telling Jax the truth, I did need to leave to find myself and see if samcro was really a part of me, I felt it now was. I was snapped out of flashback when I felt an immense amount of pressure and excruciating pain then a relief.

"Congratulations! IT'S A BOY!" The OB yelled and I felt in shock, it was a boy – it was Thomas.

The shock soon left me then I started crying, I felt this crazy amount of happy emotion seeing my baby for the first time.

"Oh my god!" Gemma cried, "You did amazing baby!"

I stare down at my crying son on my chest "Hi Thomas" I say and kiss his head and hold him close. "Shhh, baby it's okay" I cue at him.

"Thomas?" Gemma cries happily and asks

"Yeah … he's called Thomas" I tell her when I look up to her and I can tell by her reaction she is happy with the name choice

"Oh Cara, that's amazing. He's beautiful" she says with tears in her eyes

"He's perfect" I say staring at him.

.. … …. … … … …. … … … … … …

Thomas was only a couple of hours old and I couldn't stop staring and smiling down at him. I didn't want to put him down, ever. So far I've tried nursing him but it wasn't working so I'm feeding him a bottle the OB gave me – I just couldn't wait to speak to Jax tell him all about his son.

Gemma came back through the room after going home to get changed and grab me a few things.

"How's he doin?" she asks, peering over my shoulder

"Really good" I say smiling "You hear anything from Stockton?"

"Yeah actually, I called that woman again demanded she let Jax make a call, she agreed to it I just don't know when It will happen." She says and I sigh with relief that we will hear from Jax soon so I can tell him the great news.

"Hopefully soon, thank you Gemma for being here. I'm sorry if I was a total bitch to you"

"You don't need to thank me baby, you did all the work" she says

"I still couldn't have done this without you" I say smiling at her then we are interrupted by her cell ringing.

"Oh my god is it him?" I ask her when she pulls the phone out her pocket.

"Answer it!" she says to me and I do

"Hello?" I ask anxiously

"Cara? Are you okay?" It was Jax, I let out a sigh of relief

"Yeah" I tell him starting to well up "We h-ad a bo-y Jax, Thomas" I tell him through my tears.

"Oh my god babe, Thomas. That's amazing. Is he okay?" Jax asks

"He's perfect Jax, I wish you could see him right now. I will bring him as soon as I can, I promise." I say with so much pride.

"You're amazing babe. I am so proud of you, thank you for doing this"

"You don't need to thank me Jax."

"We have a son" he says sounding extremely happy

"We have two sons" I correct him feeling proud saying it.


	41. Chapter 41

CHAPTER 41

Thomas was a week old and waking up three times during the night – I was exhausted. He hasn't taken to breast feeding very well so I pump every day and feed him by the bottle. I have pretty much slept and pumped all day for a week.

I was finally able to go visit Jax for the first time after giving birth and I get to bring Thomas with me. I was feeling anxious about bringing a new born to Stockton but I was doing it for Jax.

I got a lot of attention when I arrived at Stockton as the guards who remembered me noticed the baby was in a carrier rather than inside me – I think it made their day.

When I see Jax he looked as excited as he was the first time I visited him but ten times more.

"Oh, look at him" Jax says when I put the carrier on the table, Thomas was wearing a similar sons of anarchy woollen hat that Abel used to wear. I thought it would make Jax proud to see it on him.

I pick a sleeping Thomas slowly and carefully out his carrier for Jax to hold him "Hi, Thomas" Jax says to him.

"He's amazing babe" Jax tells me and I kiss him softly "He is" I agree and we sit down.

"So small" Jax says and I nod and tell him

"6lbs 7 ounces … Sure didn't feel like he was so small when I was giving birth"

"I'm sorry" he says looking very apologetic.

"No, don't apologise – it's just the way it works sadly … Gemma was in the room with me"

"I'm sorry for that too" he says and we both laugh.

"She was a really good support though; I know you would have been too"

"I wish I was there, I was an anxious wreck waiting to hear from you" he says

"Yeah the people here don't exactly co-operate very well" I tell him then Thomas sneezes and we both laugh and cue at how god damn cute he is.

"Have you got a long time off work?" he asks when he looks up from Thomas.

"I have six months, but I can take longer since you get out in five"

"Things will be different babe when I get out, I promise you. I'm gonna protect us" Jax tells me looking deep into my eyes.

"You do protect us Jax" I tell him and I can tell he has things playing on his mind "What's on your mind?" I ask him wondering what he means by things being different.

"I don't know. Seeing Thomas and thinking about Abel, then you. How the hell this works, things have to change"

"I trust you Jax. Whatever you decided to do I will be there with you by your side. Always" I tell him looking into his eyes saying it like I mean it because I do.

"God, I can't wait to come home and be a family with you, do it right"

"Me either. Five months' baby" I tell him holding his face in one of my hands and he kisses it, then Thomas's head and I smile bursting with happiness inside. I feel like I've been waiting for a moment like this since I was fifteen years old when I fell in love with Jax just not in a prison of course.

.. … …. … … … …. … …. …. …. …. ….

I woke up in the middle of night not due to Thomas's crying but because I could hear loud talking in the kitchen. I grabbed my long cardigan and wrapped it around me. I went through to the kitchen and I was still half asleep and Gemma was talking with Unser.

"Sorry, did we wake you?" Unser asks when he see's me

"Yeah, you did." I say bluntly rubbing my eyes "What's going on?" I then say pissed off – sleep for me is a pleasure I barely get these days.

"Oh nothing just chattin" Gemma tells me and instantly I know she's talking bullshit.

"It's a little late don't ya think? What are you talking about?" I ask them

"Just the guys." She says as I walk past her and grab a glass of water.

"I know you are still wanting to read those letters and I know by your face that's what you were just talking about" I say straight to the point and I hear Unser sigh, poor guy getting dragged into this. "If you want to read them just to put your crazy mind at ease then fine. I will give them to you tomorrow, then maybe I can get some sleep" I say then leave the kitchen and head back to bed before Gemma can say anything.

I didn't plan on giving her the letters but she just won't drop it. I'm just taking my dad's advice and giving her only some of them hoping that she won't mention them again and believe the lies I'm telling her - to protect Jax, just like she would.


	42. Chapter 42

CHAPTER 42

Today I was really struggling and visiting Jax and him ask me if I'm okay made me breakdown.

"I'm barely keeping it together right now Jax." I tell him through some tears.

"I know babe, it's hard but in four months I will be out to help you."

"In four months' things change Jax, Thomas will be in a different routine, who knows - if some miracle happens he might not be waking up four times a night and you won't know what all the fuss was about." I snap at him and he just gives me a helpless look.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks

"There's nothing you can do." I snap at him again "And then there's your mother … she knows about those letters and won't stop pestering me about them so … I gave them to her."

"What?" he quietly yells trying not to draw attention to us.

"I already told you they aren't that big of a deal so what does it matter."

"It's not the point Cara" he says getting mad

"Well, why don't you try looking after two infants alone while their father felon is locked up inside."

"Oh and you think this is easy for me?" he says with his mad eyes and I roll my eyes at him – my bad attitude getting the better of me.

"Don't play the guilt card Jax, you put yourself here not me"

"Cara, you have to calm down. You are doing an amazing job looking after Thomas and Abel." He says despite the horrible things I am saying to him

I ignore his compliment and tell him why I feel so anxious "I feel like everyone is watching my every move"

"What are you talking about?" he asks

"Like, when I go to the clubhouse and the crow eaters constantly ask me if I need help. Like do I look like I do?!" I tell him and he screws his eyes up at me

"Since when do you care what crow eaters think?"

"Hmm, I don't know since you slept with one?!" I reply not knowing where that one came from

"Jesus, Cara"

"Sorry, it's just – I – when Thomas was born I told myself this would be easy and it was for like the first week but -" I say now crying and Jax grabs my hands stroking them. "I'm a mess."

"Hey" Jax says softly "I will forever be sorry to you for the rest of my life for being in here and leaving you to do this alone"

"I know" I say

"And don't worry about those letters, if you say they don't mean anything then I believe you" he says making me feel even more guilty for hiding them from him.

.. …. … …. … …. … … … … … …. ..

Since I got back from visiting Jax my mood hasn't change. In fact, I feel like my mood hasn't shifted in the past month. I don't do anything for fun, I don't feel motivated to do absolutely anything including sometimes waking up in the morning and I'm sick of people asking me if I'm okay because I know they just feel sorry for me.

I knew Jax wouldn't understand, he would just tell me it's okay blah blah blah. Well if we could swap places for one day I think I would actually enjoy his.

I was driving with no destination in mind. I just kept driving to try clear my head – try and enjoy the peace. I parked on the side of a quiet main road and I sit in my car for a while then got out and sat on the edge of the road which is covered in dust. I don't know what I feel. Numb I guess - mainly from the stress, loneliness and the same worries I have every day.

I look at Thomas and I feel guilty for bringing him in this cruel world and then I look at Abel and I think how is it fair that he has been through much more than the normal two-year-old. Thomas cries for me I don't know why, Abel calls me momma I don't know why. I don't feel like I am worthy of them.

When Thomas was born I felt proud to be his mother, when he looked at me I loved the feeling it gave me inside, and when Abel met Thomas for the first time I felt proud. Now those feelings have changed and I don't feel anything.

I can't change the life they will have, Jax can't either. I don't want them to suffer being left alone like I am and I can't guarantee that it won't happen to them.

I know how I'm feeling isn't normal. I diagnose this kind of stuff but it's not easy for me to accept.

My phone rings disrupting me from my thoughts and its Gemma but I ignore it, she probably wonders where I am because she's looking after the boys. Even picking myself up of the ground and back in to my car to drive back seems like a struggle but I manage to do it and when I get back Gemma is quick to ask questions.

"Where have you been? I tried calling you!" she yells at me as I walk past her

"I went for a drive" I tell her blankly

"Did you visit Jax?" she asks and I go over to the coffee pot and pour myself some

"Yup" I tell her with my back to her

"Well aren't you gonna ask why I called?" she asks another question

"Do I need to know?" I ask her honestly when I turn around to her.

"I was wondering where Thomas's milk was that you pumped so I could feed him, you didn't leave me any"

"That's because there isn't any. I give him formula now." I tell her and she looks surprised.

"Oh, does the breast not settle with him or something" she says and I shake my head and put down my empty coffee cup.

"To tell you the truth Gemma, who cares? Where is he?" I ask her

"Sleeping, probably down for the night" she says and I feel relieved

"He's fine on formula. Okay?" I say.

"Okay" she replied unsure

"I'm actually gonna go back to Jax's and try and get a good night sleep if that is okay with you?" I ask her not really knowing why, I don't need her permission.

"Yeah, sure" she replied unsure again.

"Thanks, call me if you need me" I tell her praying she won't.

"You know you can talk to me about anything Cara?" she asks me and I sigh and think ugh what now?

"Gemma, if it's about the letters can you please just drop it?"

"No. It's about you" she says and I sigh again

"I'm fine" I say lying "Good night" I tell her and close to door and get in my car.

.. … … … … … … … … … …. … …

When I got back to Jax's I jumped straight in the shower. The shower is calming, it's where I can again block out the negative feelings I've been having and enjoy the warm feeling of the water soothing my body. The water relives me from my panic of worrying about Thomas.

However, my mind feels trapped and when I think about Jax and how badly I need him I break down crying – something I used to be able to control. I am constantly told that I am not alone yet I feel completely alone.

I've been feeling this sinking feeling in my stomach that causes me to have no appetite and most nights I can barely sleep knowing I will be awoken soon by Thomas's crying or the fear I feel if he looks like he isn't breathing but really he is.

I get out the shower and throw on one of Jax's t-shirts and jump into bed without brushing my hair. I take a Xanax to try help me relax and I lay on Jax's side of the bed with my face facing our mirror.

I stare at the pictures of myself and the ones with me and Jax – many from when we were younger that stand next to it. I feel tears coming down my face soaking the pillow then my eyes feel heavy and I finally start drifting off.


	43. Chapter 43

CHAPTER 43

The past month has been the same. I feel the same, I spend most nights at Jax's while Gemma has the boys and I know I should feel guilty but for some reason I don't. Gemma continuously asks me if I'm okay and demands I speak to someone and Ignore her. However, I know she is right.

I still visit Jax every time I can and he call's. Whenever he asks about the boys and how I'm doing I don't know what to say. I don't want him to know I'm suffering – this is on me, not him.

I have been trying to distract myself by going back to work last week. I forgot how much I missed surgery and feeling in control. Margaret is also another one that won't stop asking me if I'm okay.

"Hey Cara!" I hear Margaret say from behind me try to catch up with me down the hall.

"Did you hear?" she asks me and I look at her confused, did I miss something?

"You are getting your own office." She tells me and I don't see what the big deal is

"Oh" is all is say – she acts like it's a massive deal.

"Well?" she asks me pushing for more.

"I already use an office." I tell her

"Yeah but this one is yours, with your name on the door."

"That's nice" I say trying to act at least a little bit excited.

"C'mon, let me show you" she says all weirdly excited and links my arm in hers and leads me around a few corners.

"Ta da!" she exclaims when we read door plated with "Dr Cara Winston – Trauma Surgery" It looks nice I must say.

"Wow. Is there a reason I'm getting this?" I ask her

"You deserve it Cara. You are one of the hardest working doctors in this hospital and you deserve the privacy for meetings, reading time and even when the boys come to see you." She says and I smile at her and open the door.

"It's nice." I say not lying, it is. A brand new desk with a large leather chair and book shelves. Even my own bathroom. "Can I hide here?" I say jokingly but really meaning it.

Margaret laughs "You should feel proud Cara. Congratulations." She smiles and pulls me in for a hug. "Oh! And here is the key!" she says and hands me a set of keys with a St Thomas keyring.

"Thank you, really" I say to her and she smiles back.

"I will leave you to enjoy, get settled in" she says leaves and closes the door behind her.

I walk around to my desk and sit down in my chair. I notice a photo frame put down with one my favourite photo of me and Jax. It was a close up shot from when I was eighteen and me and Jax where celebrating him getting patched into the club after he has finished prospecting. I lift it up and wonder who might have put it there. It feels comforting to have one of my favourite memories of me and Jax here in my new private place at work. I think back to the night and how happy and care free I was.

I was already feeling tipsy that evening when all of the guys where in the chapel and I was playing pool with Donna and the drinks where getting brought to us whenever we wanted them, it was great. I was having fun, young and in love.

" _Donna do you even know how to play?" I asked her laughing_

" _No, I just want Ope to see me leaning over playing, looking all sexy." She said_

" _That." I said then hiccup from the beer "Is gross" I told her_

" _What is taking them so long?" she asked me and I shrugged my shoulders._

" _Who knows" I told her and downed my beer then I heard the doors from the chapel opened and everyone was in high spirits shouting all kinds of things then Jax comes out with Clay around his arm then he comes towards me looking different, I couldn't put my finger on what it was until I noticed he had a few patches on the front of his cut and a massive grin on his face._

" _Did you?" I asked him_

" _Full patch baby" he told me and he turned his body around to show me the full sons of anarchy California rocker and I started jumping up and down in front of him then I lept into his arms and kissed his right on the lips._

" _I'm so proud!" I told him then Gemma came rushing towards him to congratulate him._

" _Did Ope get patched too?!" I ask him and he nods then I went to find him. He was with Donna when I got to him_

" _Congrats bro, how does it feel?" I asked him_

" _Like all the shit I had to do for it was worth it" he said and I smiled then hugged him. I felt someone come up behind me and grab my waist. It was Jax._

" _Come with me" he told me and led me down the hall way to the stairs to the roof._

" _Ladies first" he said to me with his hand on my back and he winked his left eye and my heart melted as I climbed up the stairs to the breezy roof, Jax behind._

" _Don't you wanna be down there with everyone celebrating."_

" _Nah, I'd rather be with ma girl" he said and grabbed my hand and led me to sit down._

" _Well, how does it feel?" I asked him_

" _Better if JT was here to see it" he said and I felt bad for him_

" _He would be proud to see you wearing that cut."_

" _I know" he said and put his hand on my knee._

" _I love you" I told him and he said it back and we kissed but we were interrupted by someone shouting down from below._

" _Get down here you two!" we heard Bobby yell and I stood up_

" _C'mon outlaw" I said to him and put out my hand for him to grab and he did._

 _When we got downstairs everyone wanted to congratulate Jax by bringing him drinks and shots._

" _Wait let me get a picture of you two" Gemma said grabbing a camera to take a picture of me and Jax._

And that's why it's one of my favourite photos of us two. We rarely got pictures together and I remember that night being really happy. Everything I wanted was in one room, I had Jax and he had the patch he always wanted and the Harley that came with it.


	44. Chapter 44

CHAPTER 44

I decided after another month of feeling this way and missing out on special moments with the boys due to my fear of being a mother for them – I was going to speak to someone.

Gemma arranged a therapist appointment for me thinking I wouldn't know it was her but she forgets I work in a hospital and I see records and appointments booked every day but I wasn't going to get angry at her or push the appointment aside. I needed this.

The therapist who walked into my office is one I know from around the hospital which is way worse than someone coming in from the outside. Now I just feel humiliated. She introduced herself as Sarah and we sat down at my desk.

"So, Dr Winston, I want you to know everything in this room is confidential, what we say –

I interrupt her boring introduction by saying "Will not leave this room, … I know"

"Right, of course." She says "How are you feeling today? On a scale of one to ten" she starts by asking me and I sigh

"About a four" I say

"Okay" she says and starts taking some notes and I am so over this already.

"The way this works is I want to start from the beginning, get to the bottom of this deep depression you are in."

"Deep depression?" I ask her. I knew I wasn't feeling right but I didn't realise it was a 'deep depression'.

"Yes Doctor, post-partum depression. Have you not been diagnosed and given medication?" she asks and I shake my head.

"No. I – erm, haven't had time" is all I can say.

"Don't worry we will get it all sorted, today is just to talk" she says and I nod

"Well, where do you want me to start?" I ask her praying she doesn't want me to bring up my dysfunctional family.

"How about your family life? I know briefly about your husband being inside all this time. It's bound to be the toughest part of all this?" she asks and clearly she read some facts.

"He's not my husband, he's just my boyfriend. We have known each other our whole lives" I tell her

"That's sweet" she says and little does she know it's not all rainbows and butterflies. "Have you been together this long?"

"Erm, no. I left, I went to Chicago almost twelve years ago now to become what I am now, a doctor. I returned nearly two years ago and me and Jax just … rekindled I guess" I say leaving out the part where he killed someone for me which ended up in us getting back together.

"Quite a sacrifice Dr"

"Best one I ever made" I tell her smiling proudly

"Must have been difficult" she says and my smile fades, thinking back to the heartbreak I felt and the heartbreak I caused.

"I adjusted. I grew up differently to pretty much everyone in Chicago, especially those studying medicine." I say and she shuffles through some of her paper work, puts her glasses back on her head and looks up at me to ask

"Sons of anarchy, am I right?" she asks. I know she must know who they are in this town.

"Yup. My father is a founding member, as was Jax's."

"So I guess you two were destined to be together?" she asks and it makes me smile.

"Some would say yes" I tell her blushing slightly.

"And the two boys you have must be something you've been planning since you where young teens?"

"Yeah, the whole thing – marriage and kids, we couldn't see a future not together. However Abel isn't biologically mine and Thomas wasn't planned either."

"Ah yes, sorry. Abel - I seen that in his records that I got access to. What a wonderful thing to accept him as your own."

"I think from the moment I knew I had saved his little tiny heart I wasn't going to be able to let him go. He was part of Jax … who when I came back here and I seen him I felt sixteen again y'know? When me and Jax found each other again Abel was a big part of every choice we made."

"That's something you should be really proud of" she praises me and I nod "However, these thoughts you have … I want you to explain them, how they are effecting the relationship between you Abel and Thomas" she asks and it's the questioned I have been fearing the most.

"I don't know – I feel like; I can't be the right kind of mother for them. It's pathetic re-ally" I say and my breathing becomes faster and my eyes start welling up.

"It's not pathetic, the reason I am here is for you to get out what you are feeling since you had Thomas so we can work on it. Have you spoke to Jax about any of these feelings?"

"Most times I visit him I snap at him – which I don't mean to do. He knows I'm tired and I guess he just puts it down to that I guess" I tell her wiping under my eyes and grabbing a tissue from my desk.

"I have to ask, do you think any of this has anything to do with your child hood?" she asks and I don't feel like taking a walk down memory lane to the days where I would get in cat fights and locked up on the weekend.

"I'm not sure. Growing up I never let anything get to me. I had a lot of freedom, I was stupid at times. I didn't listen to my parents – they didn't care about the right things. I think my worries come from that, I don't want Abel and Thomas to live a reckless child hood like I did."

"But they won't, you sound like you know how to guide them you just keep doubting yourself. Being a mother to those boys is about doing it your own way, you teach them the right things the way you know how to and you protect them."

"But I don't know how I can protect them"

"Why do you feel that way?" she asks and I can't tell her the truth. I can't tell her about guns, drugs, violence and kid napping so I just shrug my shoulders at her.

"I think when Jax is home I will feel myself again. I hope." I say avoiding the real question and what I tell her is true. I am not used to being this alone in Charming not knowing what is around the corner.

"Do you spend nights away from the boys?" she asks and I know she got this information from Gemma.

Shamefully I nod at her and say "I have been yes. I do feel guilty for it because I know it must confuse them but I've been needing the time to myself to figure out what it is I am feeling."

"I would suggest it's better to stay where the boys are and when you get started on your medication it will become easier. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do."

"I hope." I say and she closes up her notes.

"I think we made some progress doctor. For a first session this is really good." She says and It makes me feel better, however her calling me doctor makes me feel a little uncomfortable, she shouldn't need to.

"Please, call me Cara" I tell her

"Sorry" she says feeling embarrassed "I'm going to leave you my number so you can call me when you want to talk about anything, or you can just drop by my office. Okay?" she says sweetly as she stands up from my desk.

"Thank you" I say when I take her card from her hand and walk her to the door.

.. … … … … … …. …. …. …. … ….. …

After my first therapist session I already felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I Went back to Gemma's house instead of back to mine and Jax's. I wanted to take her advice and not isolate myself even if it is something I really wanted to do.

When I walked into Gemma's Abel came running towards me and it brightened up my mood instantly seeing his little legs try there hardest to get to me quick.

"Hey baby" I tell him when I pick him up and squeeze him, then I hear Gemma's feet coming around the corner.

"Hey" she says

"Hey, where's Thomas?" I ask her

"I just put him down" she says and I put Abel down in front of the t.v to play with his toys then turned to Gemma.

"Thank you"

"It's okay, he was super tired, went down quick."

"No, not just for that but for having that therapist come see me" I say and she tries to act like she doesn't know what I'm talking about but I know "I know it was you Gemma, and I'm not mad I'm glad actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was refreshing. She says I will get started on some medication as soon as possible"

"I'm really proud of you, for taking this step" she tells me and brings me in for a hug and it was nice but we were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"I'm not expecting anyone" she says

"I'll get it" I tell her and walk towards the door making sure to grab the hand gun on the side just in case, it's something I've learnt to do.

When I open the door I'm met by someone I certainly did not expect to see.

"Mary?!" I question her as she stands in front of me.

"You gonna put that down before you let me in?" she asks and I look down at my right hand which holds the gun and I open the door wide for her to walk in and I look at Gemma who looks as confused as I am.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her and closed the door behind me and followed her through to where she's standing by the dining room table.

"Your dad said you had a baby" she says

"Yeah like four months ago" I tell her assuming she already knew and just never bothered to visit.

"Well, no one thought to tell me?" she says and I just give her a look of 'do you really care?'

"I thought you knew. How did you know I would be here?" I asked her still shocked by her arrival.

"Your dad told me that too. He filled me in on pretty much everything and if I had known sooner I would have been here to help you out" she says and I'm shocked by her kind words.

"She's been fine. She's a great mom" I hear Gemma says from the other side of the dining room.

I'm not fine and I'm definitely not no.1 mom at the moment.

Mary ignored Gemma's comment and turned to me "He said you called him Thomas" she says and I nod at her "Nice name"

"He's sleeping" Gemma buts in again but I'm glad she is here for support just in case.

"Well … erm, I'm gonna be staying in town for a little while if you need me. It would be nice to meet the little guy soon"

"Erm, yeah sure. Thanks" I say to her and fold my arms in front of her.

"My cell number hasn't changed either, just in case you need it" she tells me and I just nod back at her then she walks towards the door to leave.

"Well, goodnight Cara."

"Good night" I say back to her then she turns around to say something else.

"I know you don't need to hear this because you probably already know but you are destined to be a far better mother than I could ever be"

I don't say anything back I just stare at her blankly and down at the ground while she walks back to her car.

The teenager version of me would have been angry and screaming at her asking her where the hell she has been and why do you come now and not then. However, now I'm used to it and I accept it's just the way she is. I would either see her for a full week or she will turn up after a year and act like nothing happened.

After realising what I have is post-partum depression hearing something like that from someone like her who doesn't say that many nice things - it makes me feel a little more hopeful.

I go through to the room where I barely sleep anymore at Gemma's and where Thomas's crib sits next to it. I stand over him staring down at his peaceful sleeping face which I see so much of Jax in. He makes me smile at how he's mine and even though right now I feel like I don't deserve him I do feel proud.

 **Finally, a much longer chapter. I hope you enjoyed the therapy session with Cara. I enjoy writing about how she feels towards everything.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	45. Chapter 45

CHAPTER 45

Today was the day Jax would come home.

I was an anxious wreck trying to make sure everything was perfect even though that's the last thing he would care about. The house has been spotless since 7am this morning and both the boys are dressed already. Jax doesn't even get out till noon.

It's not that I'm dying to see Jax because I only seen him last week but it's him being home out of that awful place so he can get to know Thomas better and interact with Abel that I am excited for the most.

I heard a knock at the door when I was feeding the boys lunch so I went to answer it. When I opened it Opie was there.

"Morning" he says as he walks in to the kitchen

"Hardly, I barely slept. I've been up for ages." I say while wiping Abel's face full of food

"Have you not been taking your meds?" Opie asked worryingly and I roll my eyes at him

"I have Opie" I tell him. The truth is I feel more like an eight than a four compared to when I first spoke to the therapist. I would call her most days when we couldn't meet and it has helped a lot and of course the medication helped a whole lot too.

"I'm just excited, anxious." I tell him

"Well, it's a big day. For both of us." He says and I give him that look of love since today was the day he would marry Lyla.

"Are you ready?" I ask him standing with my hand on my hip with my coffee.

I hear him sigh, he's probably nervous but won't admit it "I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be"

"Well" I say preparing him and taking a sip of my coffee "You aren't ready for the bridal choice of outfit." I tell him and he shakes his head smiling knowing exactly what I mean.

I put down my coffee and I pick up Thomas from his walker and ask Opie about Jax "Are you going to be there when the guys get out?"

"Yeah, came to get his cut" he says and it makes me smile to think I'm going to be seeing him in it again.

"It's hanging in the same place in the hall" I tell him and he nods.

"You've done really good, Cara. Stepped up" he says and it makes me smile.

"Thanks Ope. Today is a good day." I say and follow him out the kitchen

"Sure is" he says and picks up Jax's cut. "See you at the club house?" he asks me and I nod

"Yup, see you later" I say and grab Thomas's small hand for him to wave bye to Opie.

.. … …. … …. … …. … …. … …. … …

I was enjoying a beer at the clubhouse – not something I regularly do during the day but today was a celebration and I needed it to calm me down.

"Hey. You okay?" Gemma says from behind and I turn around from the bar

"Yeah, I think" I tell her

"I'm proud of you. It ain't easy making things work when they're inside, and with everything you've been dealing with you've done great."

"I couldn't have done it without you." I tell her

"It wasn't just me. It was the whole club." She says and I nod at her smiling. Then we hear a roar of the bikes coming closer making goose bumps appear all over my body.

"Daddy's home." Gemma says to me and I grab Abel's hand and Thomas's carrier and go outside.

Jax pulls up with Clay first through the lot wearing his cut and the biggest smile on his face.

"Look Abel, it's daddy!" I lean down to him and Abel runs towards Jax when he gets off his bike and it melts my heart

"How you doing? All right?" Jax says to Abel when he lifts him up and soon Abel is over it and just wants to get down and play "Okay little man, missed you too" he says and I laugh as Abel runs by.

"Someone else wants to see you." I say to Jax while I hold a now awake Thomas and pass him over.

"I swear he gets bigger every day." Jax says feeling the weight of him

I lift my hand up to Jax's face feeling him once again, this time not in a gloomy visitation room but out in the open "Welcome home baby"

"Best feeling ever" he says and I lean forward to kiss him softly

"Better than that?" I ask him and he winks at me making me feel weak at the knees, it never fails.

"It's close" he says jokingly and I kiss him again through all the smiles.

"CHAPEL, TEN MINUTES" Clay yells out to everyone.

"Duty awaits you." I say to Jax pulling on the top of his cut.

"Won't be long babe" he says and passes me Thomas then goes inside.

.. … … … … … … … … … …. …. ….

After a long awaited chapel meeting me Jax and the boys went home. They were both due a nap and me and Jax where due a long awaited catch up if you know what I mean.

We were lying in bed together after the most amazing long over-due love making - not saying much but just enjoying the moment. I moved my hand gently over his scars, some more new than others.

"You are toughest guy I know; you know that?" I say moving my gaze from his scars and up to his face.

"Because of you" he says looking down at me and I blush at his words and he strokes the top of my arm softly.

I decide the change the topic by saying "I think we should talk about some things, Jax." I'm trying to get more serious with him about the important things.

"Yeah, we should talk about all the chick shit you decked out my house in." He says and I roll my eyes him

"Yeah well you know what? Maxim posters and Harley mirrors aren't really my style" I say in my defence.

"I wanna talk about the boys, Jax. About what we're gonna do." I say and then we hear Thomas start to cry, therefore nap time was over for him.

"Sounds like someone else wants a shot at those puppies." Jax jokes and I slap his chest jokingly at his comment and he gets up from the bed butt naked and puts on some shorts.

"I'll get him." He says and I lie back and relax while I wait.

Shortly Jax brings through a hungry Thomas and a warm bottle.

"Here's Mommy." Jax says when he hands him to me.

"Hi, sweetie." I say to him and grab the bottle from Jax and get Thomas comfortable in my lap, then start to feed him.

"Are you doing okay babe? honest question" he says from next to me and I know what he's getting at.

I look up at him, raise my eyebrows and say "Honest answer? Yes." I tell him and I hear him sigh "I don't know what Gemma has told you but I promise you I'm better Jax."

"And I believe you babe, I just wish you would of confiding in me a little" he says and I sigh

"It's not that easy" I tell him and he looks down feeling disappointed but I grab his hand with my free one. "Look, I wanted to talk to you about whatever it was that I was going in my head but it's – it's just I needed to cope with it my own way okay? … no one else could help me"

"I'm sorry." He says

"Babe, don't apologise. I'm okay, I'm perfect now you are home" I tell him and he gives me a smile and a nod, however I feel that this is only the beginning of our conversation.

"I've learned so many things while you were away." He says and I nod

"Trust me, so did I" I say and look down at Thomas in my lap "I still look at Thomas and Abel, and I -I think, "How does this work?" How? How do they grow up in this?"

"Yes, I know. And they're not going to." He says and I don't understand what he means and where this conversation is heading.

"What do you mean?" I ask him

"I realize you being with me is not some kind of accident." He says and I laugh slightly and say "Well, I hope not"

"It sounds crazy but I think you were put into my life to get me out, Cara. I should have listened to you that night that you left."

"Jax" I say stopping him but he doesn't stop

"I'm done with Samcro." He says, what? "We both know if I stay, I end up back in prison or dead."

"You say that because you just got out."

"No, I've been coming to this for a while. The bond that holds this club together isn't about love or brotherhood anymore. We lost that a long time ago, it's just fear and greed now."

"That's what your dad said in his manuscript." I say and Jax nods "He wanted to get out."

"J.T was a coward. He lost himself on Irish pussy and bailed on his family. Instead of writing about it, he should've done something. He should've taken me and Thomas and gotten out of Charming."

"Well, he would've had to go through Gemma first."

"Then he should have run her ass over … I'm not my father. I'm not weak."

"Jax, I know how this works, you can't just get out. Clay and Gemma will never let you just leave."

"We got a good thing going with the Irish now, it's smart, under the radar. We're making big money this year. I just gotta hang out for a while and earn."

"How long? If it's guns or drugs that means more risk."

"I don't have any skills, Cara, I'm an okay mechanic with a GED. The only thing I ever did well was outlaw. I just need to make some bank, set myself up with something"

"Jax, I can go anywhere. I make good money."

"I'm not gonna live off my old lady, I can't."

"Well then what do we do?" I ask him

"Clay's hands are going; his days are numbered. When he steps down, he loses sway, that's when I get out. And Gemma she's just an old lady."

"There's no way that it's that simple Jax. It's dangerous"

"I know, babe. You gotta trust me. This is all I have been thinking about for the last 14 months. I'm gonna finish up with Samcro and we're gonna take our boys and we're gonna get the hell out of here. Start fresh somewhere. Be a real family." He tells me and I smile at him believing him but doubting him slightly.


	46. Chapter 46

CHAPTER 46

It was time for Opie and Lyla's wedding. The day had gone by so quick. Me and Jax have been so intoxicated with one another since he got out we lost track of time.

Neeta was in Abel's room with the boys – she had come over to watch the boys whilst we would be at the wedding and I just got out the shower while Jax was writing in the kitchen.

"I need you to promise me something." I say to him when I walk through still towel drying my hair. "No club business at this wedding" I tell him and I hear him sigh as he puts down his pen and closes his journal still sitting at the table but looking up at me.

"I'm serious Jax" I say

"I know you are babe, I see that look on your face"

"Well, remember this face" I tell him and he says "Look, we don't need to discuss club business"

"I'm not discussing it. I'm discussing it not being part of Lyla and Opie's wedding."

"Cara, you don't need to worry."

"I know, it's just – I've barely put any effort in to this wedding planning with Lyla and if anything, goes wrong during it -"

He interrupts me by getting off his chair and coming towards me to say "It won't." and grabs a hold of my waist.

"I know that what happened to you in there you are going to have to deal with." I say ruining the moment and he sighs again and puts his head into my shoulder probably trying to block out my nagging.

He moves away from me to put his cut on and says "When the time comes, I'll let you know"

"You'll let me know … like what? call a meeting? do I need a patch?" I say sarcastically realising how much of a bitch I sound.

"I'm not fighting with you right now" he says

"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound that way" I say regretting what I said, I can't really hold it in.

"I love you okay?" he says coming closer to me and grabbing a hold of my waist again, "You're it for me babe, I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"I know; I just don't think before I speak I guess." I say and he smiles, I know he agrees.

It's silent for about five seconds me and Jax just looking at each other until he speaks.

"Why don't we just get married?" he asks and I'm instantly taken back by his words. First of all – how random of him to just ask that and second - that is not how you propose.

"Are you?" I ask him and he nods smiling.

"I want you to be my wife. I want you to nag at me for the rest of my life. I've wanted this since I had my very first crush on you Cara"

"Really?" I ask him smiling from ear to ear

"Here" he says and pulls out a paper bag from the inside of his cut, goes into it and puts the ring on my finger.

"Erm, aren't I supposed to say yes before you stick that thing on?" I ask him jokingly but obviously I'm going to say yes.

"Hey, I had this all planned out babe. I was waiting for you but you came through here making me promise shit." He says smiling but now I feel guilty

"Crap, I'm sorry." I apologise then grab his face gently and he pulls me close. "I'll marry you Jax, there's nothing more that I want."

"Good" he says then kisses me hard and he makes me laugh through the kisses. I pull away and say "I wish we could just go back to bed" I say and he grabs a hold of my ass making me want him even more.

"Trust me, so do I, but hold that thought"

"I love you so much" I say and kiss him again and he says it back.

"I gotta go, k?" he says when we pull away and he sits down and starts putting his sneakers on.

"I'll see you there?" I ask him and he nods. "Please make sure Opie actually turns up." I order him and he laughs.

"Only because I don't want yelled at by three women." He jokes, but he's right.

"I've trained you well." I tell him when he stands up.

"Let's not tell anyone about us yet" he says and I nod – no one likes announcing another engagement at a wedding.

"Yeah you're right." I reply agreeing with him.

"See you soon babe" he says and winks at me while he walks towards the front door.

I hear the bike pulling out the driveway and I look down at my left hand now with a stunning engagement ring. Never did I think this would happen today. My heart feels so full, after the things we spoke about I feel more hopeful than ever.

I try snap out of my zone and take of the ring and put it in my purse since we weren't telling anyone yet and I call Gemma to let him know I'm on my way to the venue – she's probably already wondering where the hell I am.

.. … … …. … … … …. …. …. .. …. ….

Everything was organised, all I needed to do was get dressed and make sure Lyla wasn't freaking out.

"Do you know who is walking her down the aisle?" Gemma asks me whilst we sprinkle petals all around the floor.

"Dad I think." I tell her

"Well, then she outta go slow" she jokes and we both burst out laughing.

.. … … … … …. … …. …. …. …. …. …

Niners, Mayans and Russians started flowing in filling the seats. It made me feel nervous, some wouldn't stop staring and some couldn't even crack a smile.

I was waiting at the end of the alter with Opie and me and Jax on either side of him.

"Have you wrote any vows?" I ask Opie as we wait.

"Nah, I was just gonna wing it." He says and Jax sniggers next to him.

I'm not expecting much from whatever he's going to be winging.

"You boys are so immature … look she's coming" I say to them and then all eyes are on the bride and my dad walking towards us.

"Brothers and sisters we come together today under the all-seeing eye of nature to witness the blessed joining of Opie and Lyla. I'd like to share with you a blessing of the Apache.

"Now you will feel no rain for each of you will be shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold for you will always be warmth for each other.

Now you will feel no loneliness for you will always be each other's companion.

Now you are two persons with only one life before you.

May beauty and peace surround you both in your journey ahead and through all the years to come."

"You got the got the? Got the rings?" Opie asks Jax

"What?" Jax asks him and I start to have a mini panic. Why didn't I remind him about the rings? Then I hear Jax say "Here bro" and hand him the rings and I breath again.

"With this ring, I vow my love. I promise to always be a faithful and loving wife and old lady." Lyla tells Opie

"With this ring, I vow my love. And I promise always to cherish and protect you." Opie says back and it was nice considering he isn't a man of words.

"What else?" Jax asks him and I know what's coming.

"And treat you as good as my leather" Opie says to Lyla and I cringe at their stupid sayings, then everyone else joins in "And Ride you as much as my Harley!"

"By the power invested in me by the laws of the Wahewa and the state of California I pronounce you man and wife. Have at it!"

"All right!" Jax yells and everyone claps their hands cheering for the new bride and groom.

Jax winks at me from his side and I smile back at him. This will be us one day.

Jax has been with the club while me and Gemma try and get everything set up for the ceremony. It looked cute, it was a peaceful atmosphere and it felt romantic. I felt proud of myself for pulling this together – I wanted Lyla to know that I do care and her being a part of the family is important to me.


	47. Chapter 47

CHAPTER 47

This morning was a rush trying to get the boys ready and after last night I was feeling a little worse for wear.

Last night I danced all night long, I drank a lot, I laughed I felt great. We don't get to do that very often and it was nice to let loose and just celebrate.

I go through to the kitchen where Jax is helping Abel with his breakfast and I was carrying crabby Thomas. "Okay, so Neeta comes at noon and your mom watches them in the morning when I'm at work. But I can change the schedule if you want."

"No, I don't wanna mess with their routine."

"It's already a big help having you around." I tell him smiling at how cute he looks sat with Abel. I sit down with Thomas opposite Jax and start feeding him his bottle. I took a glance at the t.v in the corner and heard the news mention charming and alarm bells rang in my ears.

" _Charming, California was rocked earlier this morning by the discovery of four bodies at a housing development, details are still coming in. We have learned the victims were shot multiple times."_

"Where you involved?" I ask Jax

"How much you wanna know?"

"Everything" I tell him and he looks down at Abel on his lap then back up at me to explain.

"It was retaliation for what happened to me in prison. Russians. Had to happen"

"We made a deal with guns, tricked em into thinking that it was gonna be a sealed deal at the wedding – shot em all in the head"

"Opie agreed to this on his wedding day?" I ask him

"Yeah, it didn't effect anything. You had fun right?" he asks and I nod

"I enjoyed my time" I tell him and grab my coffee and say. "I wonder what Lyla's gonna think when she hears that on the news. She mentioned something to me about Russians being there."

Jax shrugs his shoulders and says "What Opie decides to tell her is his business babe"

I sigh and say "Bound to be a big meeting today then huh?"

"Gonna be a busy day" Jax says getting up from the table and putting his cut on leaving Abel

to colour in his book. "What time do you get off?"

"Afternoon. I'm only doing short shifts just to ween myself back into it. I'll come by the clubhouse when I'm done"

"Okay, love you" he says and leans down to kiss me then Thomas.

"See you later Abel" he says and kisses his head and it makes me smile seeing the love he has for him.

.. …. … … … …. … … …. …. … …. ….

When I got off work and the boys where still with Neeta I went straight to the clubhouse and when I got there things weren't looking too great.

I walk fast over to Gemma who is standing outside the office with Clay "What the hell is going?"

"That Roosevelt new sheriff came over here and started trashing things."

"Well where's Jax?" I ask them

"Still tryna figure that out." Clay says and I straight away give him a look of worry.

"Figure what out?" I ask him

"Got on the wrong side of some Mayans. Him and Ope held hostage"

"Jesus Christ" I say and grab my cell and start dialling his number

"Already tried that" Clay says and I give him a glare as I walk past him and storm inside. "Get me a drink" I tell the prospect at the bar and when he does I down it right away.

Day one and here we fucking are.

Just as I go to down after drink to relieve my stress of worrying about Jax I hear tacky heels walking from behind. I turn around and there she is – Ima.

She looks down at me judging me. She infuriates me. She has no place here yet she walks these floors like she's some god damn princess.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"That any of your business sweetheart?" she says mocking me and I feel the urge to punch her right in the face.

"Actually yes." I say getting off the bar stool, then Gemma walks in followed by Clay, Tig and Chibs.

"You don't own this place, I mean look at you" she says looking at me up and down and my urge becomes stronger.

I walk towards her while she stands there with her hand on her bare hip chewing her gum loudly. I feel Gemma and the guys to my left move closer to me as I move closer to her.

"Get out." I say close to her face hoping she gets the message this time.

"What you gonna do little doctor?" she then mocks me again and this time I lose it.

I grab the top of her fake hair and push her face down into the wooden table behind her so hard that it collapses. I then get on top of her still not feeling satisfied enough and I grab her shoulders and start thumping her on and off the floor not caring about all the broken glass left from the carnage before. Then I start punching her face not giving her a chance to fight back with all my strength channelling all my anger.

"Get of-f me Bitch!" she yells then manages to grab my hair.

"Ugh! You fucking slut!" I yell back and knee her in the crotch so hard she's left speechless.

"Right! That's enough!" Clay yells and lifts me off of her and I continue to kick my legs at her lying on the floor acting like the teenager version of me and not the grown up mother.

I shrug my shoulders from Clays grip, I don't want him to touch me – I can handle myself "Get off me!" I yell at him and he lets go. Then Gemma comes towards me "I'm fine!" I yell at her holding my hands up and pulling my shirt down.

"Get out of my club house and don't you ever set foot back in here again" Clay says to Ima and she scurries away the best she can out the door, never to come back.

"That was real smooth Cara" Tig says when he comes up to me and pats me on the back while I rub my hair out my face. "Classy" he then adds and I glare up at him and storm off to the back room to clean myself up.

I look at myself in the mirror and feel a little proud for standing up to her and giving her a good hit she deserves. My knuckles are a little bloody from all the punches so I grab my first aid kit I leave hear and start cleaning them.

"That was some show you pulled back there" Gemma says from the door way.

"She deserved it" I tell her bluntly still cleaning my knuckles and Gemma comes and sits down next to me on the edge of the bed and says "Yeah. She did."

"I – don't know what came over me, I just, lost it"

"You're worried about Jax, it's understandable"

"No, it's not just that. I'm just sick of the women that come in here and have no respect for anyone including themselves. I mean how dare she talk to me the way she did?" I say and Gemma is smirking at you.

"Spoken like a true old lady" she says and I'm not smiling at her, I'm frustrated. "What?" she asks what's wrong.

I through my hands up in the air "Look at this! It's the first full day of Jax being out of Stockton and he's held hostage somewhere and I" I say pointing at me " – I'm fighting a porn star!"

"It'll get better and she deserved it" she says rubbing my back and I sigh at her knowing she is just saying it for the sake of saying it.

"We got news!" Clay says from the door way and I rush over to him and follow him out the to the main part of the club house. "Jax and Opie got out with a little help from our Mexican friends"

"Oh, thank god."

"They're on their way" he says and it's the best thing I've heard all day. Now all we have to do is wait.

.. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. … …. ….

A truck pulls in about thirty minutes later and Jax and Opie hop out looking like they have been through hell.

I run towards Jax and throw myself straight into his arms and he holds me. I inhale him, trying to forget about the past few hours and how terrible they have been.

"Oh my god" I say when I look at his banged up face "I was so worried, are you okay?" I ask him sounding crazy.

"I'm okay now" he says and I lean up and kiss him.

"You scared the shit out of me" I say and he apologises and we start walking inside.

When we walk in Jax's face looks distraught when he sees the mess that the feds left behind. Glass all over the floor, all the pictures knocked onto the floor and the chapel doors all torn up.

"I'm sorry babe" I say to Jax holding on to his arm knowing this destruction will make him angry, the feeling of disrespect can make you feel that way. I certainly did today.

"We'll get a crew in tomorrow, start fixing it up" Clay says and I look around the room everyone looking down and exhausted over the hell of a day it's been.

I grab my ring out my pocket and put it on my ring finger, deciding maybe now was a good time to break the news despite not discussing it with Jax.

"I have some good news" I say loud enough for everyone to hear. "We got engaged!" I say smiling and hold up left hand.

I look at Jax who looks caught off guard but he's smiling which is a good sign. I grab the side of his face and kiss him while everyone cheers!

"SERVE EM UP!" Clay yells and then the music starts playing and the drinks start flowing.

"Congratulations little sis!" Opie says pulling me in for a hug "Happy for you"

"Thanks" I tell him and them Gemma says in my ear "Finally"

"You knew?" I ask her, Jax never mentioned she knew.

"Who do you think helped pick out that ring?" she says and I smile at her and give her a big hug.

Jax hands me a shot for us to celebrate and I kiss him on the cheek "Sorry for not giving you a heads up"

"Listen, I want the whole world to know you're the love of my life." He says and grabs my hand where the ring is placed. When I notice him looking at it I realise if forgot about my bashed knuckles and how I would explain them to Jax.

"What did you do?" he asks and I look at him innocently.

"Just a little mis-understanding with a porn star" I say not knowing any other way to put it and I grab two shots for us off the bar and down mine before he can say anything.

"Kinda bummed I missed it" he says smirking and I laugh. "I love you" he says and I say it back kissing him.

"I bet you looked really hot smashing up her face" he says and I give me a teasing look playing along I say "I mean yeah I was straddling her and everything"

"We should maybe go check out the back room make sure it has no damage" he suggests holding my waist and I bite my lip and him and nod.

Perfect end to a shitty day.


	48. Chapter 48

CHAPTER 48

This morning I was trying to give the house a good clean and dig out some stuff from the garage.

"Babe can you get out here?!" I yell from outside to Jax.

"Jesus, what a shit hole" he says when he comes outside shirtless and in his boxers. "What are you snoopin in here for?"

"I need some of Abel's old stuff, like the chair" I tell him pointing to the back where it is dumped underneath boxes.

"It's a piece of shit, buy a new one" he suggests before even trying to look for it.

"Really?" I ask him, I didn't think there was anything wrong with Abel's old one.

"Yeah, get what you want" he says and kisses me on the top of the head and walks back inside and I follow him.

"We should keep the old stuff though just in case some of the guys need it" I say to Jax then I realise Clay is there drinking coffee talking to Abel. Seeing him makes me feel un easy ever since reading those letters.

"Mornin" he says and I forcefully smile back and say morning too.

Jax went into the bedroom to get dressed leaving me and Clay alone.

"Was real nice you tellin everyone about you and Jax yesterday" he says

"Felt like a good time I guess"

"I'm really happy for you, You're and great mom and a great old lady. Plus, it put a smile on your old man's face." He says and I just stare back at him smiling.

"You know, raising Jax was the best thing that ever happened to me." He tells me and it makes my stomach turn "I love my son, as much as I loved his old man" he adds and this time it makes me feel sick, hearing his lies.

I just smile at him hoping Jax comes back through quick so I don't have to stand her with him anymore.

"I know about those letters Cara" he says and my heart starts pounding out of my chest.

"Erm – I haven't really thought about them. Forgot actually" I say lying not knowing what else to say. I try distract myself from him and pick up Thomas from his walker by my feet.

"Well, maybe it's best that way. We wouldn't want people's perception of things to change do we?" he says, the tone of his voice changing ever so slightly. I just nod back at him and I hear Jax coming back through.

"We gotta get goin babe" he tells me when I come through.

"Okay, I'll see you later then" I tell him and he leans down to kiss me, so thankful that he came through when he did.

.. … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …

Gemma came by when I was half way through cleaning out the garage and finding very interesting things, old pictures, Harley parts and old furniture.

When she greeted me she told me I looked like a hot mess and I did.

"You get the day off and your spending it like this?" she asks me when we finally sit down inside fanning myself with my hand.

"I just like to keep busy, what else am I gonna do?"

"Well, help at TM would be nice." She says and I give her a look of 'no chance'

"Signing paper work about car parts is not really my thing." I tell her.

"I wanted to ask you … since Jax has been out have you gave the letters to him?" she asks and it shifts my mood completely, once again talking about the letters – once was enough for the day.

"No, he has never mentioned it actually" I tell her sipping on my water.

"I can't stop thinking about em, I just I want you to know that wherever these letters lead they are bad for this family."

"Lead?" I ask her

"I know there are more to the ones you gave me Cara" she says and I don't know how I'm gonna get myself out of this one.

"Gemma, I am really not in the mood for a pep talk"

"No, I lay off you when you were pregnant. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or put you in a bad situation but you need to hear me … When John was writing those letters to Maureen I had already fallen in love with Clay. When Thomas died, I didn't care anymore, I didn't even try to hide it. That was a mistake, put Clay at risk and it was humiliating for JT. Jax doesn't know any of that and him finding out could set things off with Clay again." She blurts out and I can see that this is hurting her.

"John ripped me apart, he spent months at a time in Belfast with her. Left me here, alone. With his sons. He made me feel sorry that I loved him. It was like you and Jax. I was 19. He was my goddamn world." She starts tearing up so I grab her hand.

"What the hell do I do?" I ask her. After hearing what she just said I feel a responsibility to those letters and what they hold.

"Have you read the rest?" she asks and I nod and I tell her "I didn't want you to go back in time and read old history, I knew they would upset you so I didn't want you to read them"

"I can guarantee that whatever is in the rest of them I already know and that's why they aren't good for anybody" she says and my mind goes back to the hurtful things I read such as when John knew when he would die who would be the one to kill him. If jax read them god knows what it would do to him, but isn't him knowing the truth the right thing?

.. …. … ….. …. …. …. …. …. … …. … …

Later that evening I was reading on the day bed next to Thomas while he while Jax just came in from a long day.

"Tough day?" I ask him when he leans back next to me.

"Tough vote" he says then it goes silent "… I need to tell you something"

"What is it?" I ask him hoping it's not really bad.

"We made a vote to run drugs for the cartel" he says and my eyes widen and my mouth drops. I wasn't expecting this.

"Why would you – that's not what you do!" I yell at him in a whisper.

"Clays decision."

"Yeah, with a majority vote Jax" I tell him and the look he gives me tells me he voted yes.

"Are you crazy?"

"We can handle this, I promise" he says and turns his body to face me and grabs my hands.

"You told me you where gonna get us out. You said you had a good thing going with the Irish and now you're making new deals with cocaine dealers?!"

"I'm gonna get this club back to way it has to be before I get out"

"Oh yeah and you think this is the right direction? The freaking Galindo Cartel?! Have you seen what they do to people?"

"Do you trust me?" he asks and I stare back at him looking deep into his eyes.

"I trust you. Not them" I tell him

"That's all that matters babe … come here" he says and wraps his arm around me and I lay down on his chest.

I feel like it doesn't matter about the bad things he does anymore when he tells me I can trust him I always say yes until that trust is broken and someone like me gets hurt.


	49. Chapter 49

CHAPTER 49

I've been at the clubhouse all day helping Gemma with the overwhelming amount of paperwork and some cleaning and cooking in the kitchen which unfortunately no one else has bothered their ass to do.

My dad came into the office whilst I was organising and it was the perfect time to get off my chest about Clay mentioning the letters to me yesterday morning.

"Gemma got you runnin around doing TM shit?" he asks and I nod at him as he plonks himself down on the couch.

"I got nothing else to do when I'm not at work I guess."

"What's on your mind darlin?" he asks clearly knowing me so well so I just come out and say it.

"Clay mentioned the letters to me."

"What did he say?" he asks; I can see the anger in his eyes and the worry too.

"Just that he knows about them, I told him I had forgot about them and he said that it should stay that way."

"You don't listen to him. You hear me?" he says his voice getting louder.

"I know things haven't been great between you two ever since John died." I say to him

"Killed. Ever since John was killed"

"Right" I say just agreeing for the sake of agreeing, I knew I had got him into a rant.

"Remember when you read his manuscript? He wanted out of guns, he had a meeting scheduled to bring it to a stop. He was killed before that meeting and Lowell who fixed up his bike had gone missing too. Coincidence huh?"

"I'm not scared of him dad." I tell him and he smiles.

"Good. We don't need anyone else walking on egg shells around him."

"I have the letters locked in my drawer at work. No one will know they are there. I won't give them to him to destroy the truth"

"I know you won't, but in that drawer is where they should stay, okay?"

"I know" I say to him.

"And those boys of yours, they matter more than any of this bullshit."

"Trust me, that's all I think about." I tell him not wanting to mention Jax's plan to get out, if that happens.

"And Jax, he will be at the head of that table where he belongs."

"Yeah, he will"

.. … …. …. …. … …. … …. ….. …. … …

Jax came home and went straight for a shower and I was doing laundry that I've been avoiding for the past week.

Jax dumped his cut on the table as usual so I went to go hang it in the hallway where it's meant to be but it felt heavier than usual so I opened up the inside and I see straight away something that looks like a batch of drugs.

I immediately feel a burning sensation of anger when I see it. I can't believe he would bring this here. I take it out and storm through to the bedroom where Jax is getting change.

I hold up the cocaine in my hand and yell at Jax. "What the fuck Jax?!"

"Shit, babe – I "

"You fucking brought this here?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" I yell not caring about the level of my voice and the fact the boys are asleep.

"I forgot it was in there, it's been a hectic day I'm sorry, I'll get rid of it" he says and reaches him arm out to pull it from my hand but I pull back.

"What if Abel grabbed it out Jax or the freaking feds shown up here? Or, even worse the god damn fucking cartel!?" I ask him and I hear him sigh.

"You are over reacting" he said and he shouldn't have said it.

"No. I am not. I am being realistic unlike you." I tell him and he rubs his face sighing but I don't think he gets the message.

"You are unbelievable!" I yell at him and chuck the cocaine on the bed and storm through to the kitchen to grab myself a drink.

I heard him following me through as I shot back my strong drink.

"How many times do you want me to say I'm sorry?" he asks and is scoff turning around to face him leaning my back against the counter folding my arms.

"You only said it once …. You told me that you knew what you were doing with this cartel business and it was 'handled' but are you shitting me? Bringing it to our home?"

"I know, I'm an idiot. It won't happen again babe, I promise."

"You say you wanna get this club back to the way it used to be but this? Its madness!" I yell throwing my hands up in the air.

"It won't be for long, if we are on the good side of the cartel it will benefit the club"

"No Jax, they will just use you and always want things in return. The cartel threatens families; they are god damn psychopaths"

"Cara, don't try tell me how this works!" he says getting mad and pointing the finger.

I push his finger away and say "Don't point at me Jax!"

"Jesus Christ" he says and backs away starting to put on his cut

"Where are you going?" I ask him

"For a ride" he says and walks out slamming the door behind him, so hard that Thomas starts crying and I groan and make my way to his room.

How dare Jax turn this against me, he infuriates me when he refuses to see the consequences to things. He says one thing and does the complete opposite.

He just walks away, leaving me here to pick up the pieces.


	50. Chapter 50

CHAPTER 50

Jax never came home last night and I woke up with intense cramps and back pain this morning, the kind of cramps I haven't had since I was younger when I got bad periods.

It's hard to shake the feeling that something is wrong, maybe my body is still trying to adjust to a normal cycle after the birth but I'm not sure. I'm bleeding so I'm put it down to a heavy period and bad period cramps.

I grab some Advil from the kitchen drawer while Gemma prepares Abel and Thomas's breakfast.

"Got a headache?" she asks me as I gulp down the pills with my coffee.

I nod and tell her "Cramps" while I rub my abdomen.

"Got to love mother nature"

"Where you at the club house till late last night?" I ask her

"I left probably around ten, why?"

"Me and Jax had a fight, he never came home. I was wondering if he just stayed over there"

Gemma shrugs her shoulders and says "I didn't see him, you should call Opie he might have crashed with him" she says and I look down at the floor full of regret for the horrible things I said to him last night. "Everything okay?" she asks me

"Yeah, just I – I was pretty hard on him. I mean I had a reason to but I don't know"

"As long as he didn't shove his dick in another pussy was the reason for you being hard on him I'm sure it will be fine"

"Trust me, if that was the case I would be the one walking out, not him"

"Can you watch the boys while I go find him? I'm also gonna go to the hospital and pick up some proper meds for my cramps"

"Course, let me know if you need me."

… … … …. …. … …. … …. … … … ….

I drove to the clubhouse and asked around Jax wasn't there. Then I went to Opie's he wasn't there either and he wasn't picking up his cell.

I went by the grave yard just as a last minute idea and I'm glad I did because I see him sat on the ground by his little brother Thomas's grave. I got out my car and started walking towards him, his back is to me so he doesn't notice me until I call his name.

"Jax?" I ask concerned and when he turns around he looks startled and he stands up opposite me – he looks awful, tired, probably hungover and he looked like he had been crying.

"Are you okay?" I ask him and he squints his eyes at me trying to adjust to the sunlight.

"Yeah, sorry I haven't answered your calls my cell died and I've just have been thinking."

"Out here? All night?" I ask him sounding worried

"No, I was at the clubhouse for most of the night" he says and that makes me feel better.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you the way you did."

"No, I'm sorry for walking out. I shouldn't have done that and the drugs I don't know what I was thinking" he says and I walk more towards him so we are closer and I hold his face in my hands.

"It doesn't matter now." I say softly and he smiles slightly then I ask "So how's Thomas?"

"Still dead" he says and I smile at him.

"Oh really? Strange." I say sarcastically and it makes him laugh. He grabs a hold on my hands now around his neck. His hands feel rough against mine.

"I should go home, shower and return these calls or Clay will have my ass" he says and I nod.

"Well, I'm gonna go by St. Thomas to pick up some meds."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just have these really bad cramps, advil won't do it"

"Okay well, you call me if you need me to come down there ok?" he reassures me sweetly and I smile at him.

.. … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … …. …

"I want to do an ultra sound" Dr Namid tells me and I widen my eyes at him

"Is that really necessary?" I ask him and I lay back on the propped up bed as he towers over me.

"You tell me; you know how this works doctor. It's just a precaution."

"Okay, I know it just gets me a little more worried and anxious."

"No need to worry doctor" he tells me but that's like my famous line, I say that to most patients who either have a life threatening disease or they are about to die.

Dr. Namid starts squirting the gel on my stomach and starts moving around my abdomen with the monitor. My eyes are peeled on the screen watching what's going on. His face is in deep concentration, the kind of face you need when you are looking at something as confusing as this.

"Cara, I think – "he says and I know exactly from what I just spotted what he's about to say.

"Is- tha-t a?" I ask him, my eyes so fixated on the screen I can barely get out my words.

"A fetus yes."

"An intra-uterine fetal death" I blurt out hardly believing what I'm saying but seeing it right in front of me.

"I'm sorry Cara, you did not know of this pregnancy?" he asks and I lay their completely still trying to let his words and mine sink in.

"No, I – erm"

"It's easy not to see the signs, especially since you gave birth only four months ago."

"I-" I say trying to say something, how did I not know?

"It's okay, take your time. Do you want me to call Jax?" he asks and I just nod at him and he begin to leave the room but I stop him by saying my voice all shaky "It look-ed like I was around what – erm like twe-lve weeks? So I will um need to deliv-er?"

"We have time to discuss the options but most likely we will give you medication to induce your body" he says and I just nod and lie back down.

"Yes, yes ri-ght" I say silently.

"I'll be right back" he says and leaves me alone in the empty room.

.. … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

Jax arrived right after Dr Namid called. I was still in the same room but this time dressed in a gown.

When Jax came into the room he rushed towards me asking me a million questions, what happened? am I okay? But I just started up at the ceiling feeling completely numb from it all.

"Babe" he keeps saying trying to get me to speak but I don't know what to say.

He holds onto my hand and say "The doc said this is a common thing – that it – it happens babe" I can tell that he's trying to reassure me telling me these things but I already know the answer I just missed the signs.

"I'm so sorry I didn't realise with everything going on" he says apologising again but I know he really means it.

"I didn't an-d I was goi-ng through it" I say not looking at him but speaking for the first time since he came in. I tear rolls down the side of my face and Jax wipes it away.

"Are you mad?" he asks and I turn my head slowly to look at him and I furrow my eyebrows and says. "You can scream at me if you want babe"

"I don't have the energy to" I say turning my head back to stare at the ceiling to say "Maybe it's fate, may-be after a-ll the terrible things that i- … that I've done - this is the world saying I d-on't deserve an-other child."

"No, babe what are you talking about?" I hear him ask me and I shake my head.

"Charming – and a-ll the shit that com-es with it. I've pro-bably been so stressed I didn't e-ven realise" I sob tears still rolling them I hear Jax start to sniffle crying too.

"We ca-n have more kids Cara"

"No. – It's not abo-ut that … it's the way I was after Thomas. The way I tr-eated him, ab-andoned him."

"Babe, you were sick."

"I was a hor-rible person."

"This is not your fault, the doctor said everything looked normal" Jax says and I sigh, more tears fall doing my face.

"Can you just go?" I ask him and I close my eyes, needing the quiet and his voice to just stop because it's not working.

"Are you sure? I can –

"JUST GO! NOW!" I yell losing it, screaming out all my pain, frustration and anger.

Jax is shocked by my actions and he starts crying again probably because he is frustrated that he can't do anything so he does what I say and he leaves so I can just lay there, curl up and cry to myself until I can fall asleep to get this over with quicker.

 **Hope you liked this chapter guys! Feel free to drop some reviews!**


	51. Chapter 51

CHAPTER 51

I was still in hospital since the doctors didn't think my mind was stable enough to go home. Last night after I yelled at Jax to get out my cramps become more intense since my body was being forced into labour.

When it was all over I didn't feel any better. I was drained about it all and I felt angry at the fact this happened to me.

I was trying to distract myself from crying over it by watching some boring t.v when there was knock and the door and I expected some nurse to come through to ask me how I was feeling or Gemma to come in over reacting acting like I had almost died.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. It was who I least expected to walk in and it's who I least expected wanted to see.

It was Clay holding a bunch of flowers.

"Brought you these" he said as he closed the door behind him and stiffened up in my bed.

I didn't want to thank him or say it was nice to see him, instead I said "What are you doing here?"

"Well, uh – Jax filled me in on what happened. Terrible thing" he says with fake remorse.

"And you think those are going to make me feel better?" I ask him nodding towards the flowers sounding like a bitch and I speak again. "You didn't really come here to give me those"

"Truth is I – I'm worried about Jax. He isn't focused. I don't know I – guess I'm thinking it has something to do with those letters" he says and he sits down the whole time he was talking I knew he was going to mention those letters.

"We just lost a child." I bluntly tell him starting to feel angry at his selfishness "And to tell you my truth – I haven't given him the letters. And, I couldn't give a shit about his unfocused cartel drug dealing and gun running head."

"Woah … Jax certainly has got his hands full with you. I always knew you had a mouth on you but …" he says sounding like an arrogant ass then becoming more serious, trying to intimidate me by saying "But Cara, you should listen to me"

I interrupt whatever bull shit threat he was going to say to me "I don't need to listen to anything you say"

"Seems JT is clouding your head too huh?" he asks and I shake my head

"No. I just know who to trust and who not to trust." I tell him and it goes silence for a couple of seconds.

"You trust Jax?" he asks and I furrow my brows at him as he explains what he meant "Did he uh – tell you about the fact he found the letters himself? Did he tell you about that?" he asks and I don't know whether he is telling the truth or if he is messing with my head. Jax would mention this to me.

I stare blankly at him not giving in to him and giving him the satisfaction of me throwing a hissy fit over Jax hiding things.

Just as I am about to tell him to get out and never come back Gemma pushes open the door with force looking like she just ran down the hall. She was wearing a hat and sunglasses like she was trying to cover her face up.

"Gemma?" I question wondering if she is okay but she doesn't say anything she just glares down at Clay like she wants him to leave, like she knew him being here wasn't a good thing.

Clay gets out of his seat and says "I'll leave you ladies to it" and as he walks past Gemma they give each other a strange look and when he finally leaves the room Gemma takes off her sunglasses to reveal two black eyes and she sits down.

"Jesus Christ Gemma" I say when I see how beat up she looks "Who the hell did this to you?" I ask her only having a little idea of who it might be but for the sake of her hoping it's not.

She just gives me a worried and fearful look not answering my question so I ask her "Clay?" and she nods.

"Is that why you rushed over here? You think he might –

"He's dangerous Cara." She says sounding frightened and vulnerable. I've only ever seen Gemma like this once before and that was when she was raped.

"I know Gemma. Does Jax know?"

"He hasn't seen me yet, it only happened last night. We got into a fight about those letters, he was throwing around all these threats – like what would happen if he didn't get a hold of em. Then he got violent."

"Oh my god Gemma, you can't put up with that. He shouldn't have done that!"

"Look, I didn't come here to get you to feel bad for me. I came here for you. What happened is awful" she says and I don't want to discuss me anymore, it's all I've been doing.

"I just want out of here but Dr Namid thinks I'm not stable enough. He thinks I need physiatrist examination."

"Is that because of before with your post-natal depression?" she asks

"Who knows. I can't blame anyone; I can't explain it – I- can't quite believe it happened"

"Where's Jax on this?" she asks and sigh. "You shouldn't push him away baby" she tells me and I know.

"I lost it on him yesterday, I haven't seen him since. I think he's trying to give me time."

"You need to grieve alone but you need to grieve together" she says and I roll my eyes then she asks "What did Clay say to you? Did he threaten you?"

"He mentioned he was worried about Jax which I know is complete bullshit. He just probably feels like this miscarriage happened at an inconvenient time for him and the god damn stupid club." I tell her then I feel I need to mention what he said about the letters and I do "But he mentioned something else … We got talking about trust and then he mentioned the letters. He said Jax found them – all of them"

Gemma's face looks lost, angry and worried like she doesn't know what to do with this one so she put her head in her hands. "Jesus Christ!" she yells "How?!"

"I don't know, I had em locked up in my office and I've not checked on them in a while. No one knows they are in there but my dad."

"That son of a bitch" Gemma says and I don't have the energy to get angry at her, I want her to understand.

"Gemma." I say softly trying to calm her down and not get her pointing fingers. I grab her hand from my bed best I can "This might be a good thing, Jax will know the truth and he will understand. Especially after the way Clay acted towards you last night." I try convince her but I don't know if it's working.

"That's only one way it can go. The other? You don't even wanna know" she says sounding scared but if I know Jax this will be a new door opening at the right time.

"I can't act like I don't know Gemma." I tell her hoping she will give me some proper advice and not to ignore it.

"I know. Don't worry. We are gonna need to talk to him." She suggests and I don't know if I like the sound of we.

"We?" I ask and this time she grabs my hand and pushes back the hair in front of my face.

"I need the support just as much as you need mine baby" she says and I sigh

"Jesus" I mutter under my breath and put my head back on the pillow trying to think of how this looks and how it will end. I can't take anymore fighting and crying – I'm all dried up.


	52. Chapter 52

CHAPTER 52

I got out of hospital this morning since I got the all clear. Since I got out I have had Opie and my dad over which was nice that all three of us where together since it doesn't happen often. They make me laugh so I forget about the sad things. They said they called Mary to tell her what happened just so she wouldn't cause a fuss if no one said anything and they managed to convince her not to visit which of course I didn't mind – if she came I would just have to talk about it and something as private as this would feel strange discussing with my estranged mother who didn't even know when I started my period.

I was given meds to help me sleep because my anxiety is worse at night when the room is silent and I am left alone with my own thoughts, thinking about what happened – what could have been, what I could have done – the list goes on.

Jax was the one who picked me up from the hospital and brought me back home, we have barely talked and he's been treating me like a child bringing me tea to bed and watching my every move like I'm going to break any second. It's nice to see him caring this much but I want to try get back too normal and by normal I mean only the kind of normal I live.

Jax came through to the bedroom for the millionth time since I got home and sat in his same spot on the bed peering down at me. "I'm sorry babe but I have to go to the clubhouse for church. I'll be home in a couple of hours and Neeta is watching the kids at hers. Will you be okay?" He says while I lay down but I force myself up so he can hear me loud and clear.

"Jax, stop worrying so much. I'm okay. Go do what it is you have to do." I tell him

"I can't help it babe"

"I'll see how I feel later on and I might take a drive to the clubhouse." I say hoping he doesn't freak by my decision.

"You're okay to drive?" he asks I nod at him

"The only meds I am on are for when I need to sleep, I'm not getting pain anymore." I tell him trying to reassure him I'm not a ticking time bomb.

"Okay well it would be nice for some of the guys to see you I guess" he says and it makes me smile at the thought.

"Go" I say softly but smiling at him unlike the last time I said it in the hospital.

He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips and it felt nice since we haven't been this close since the fight we had before I went to the hospital.

"Call if you need anything" he says and of course I roll my eyes at him which he hates.

"I won't" I tell him sarcastically and luckily he chuckles.

… …. …. …. … …. … ….. … …. …. …. …

When I get to the clubhouse its very empty but I still feel all eyes on me. On my drive over I contemplated turning back but then I didn't want to lie in a heap of misery, I want normality.

I don't look up when I walk in so when I hear my full name being called I'm surprised "Cara Winston?" coming from a voice that sounds familiar.

When I see who it is it's the infamous Dawn Trager – Tigs daughter.

"Dawn?" I ask not expecting to see her here. She looks the same as she did when we were teenagers – hair still dark, un even and her eyes smudged in old black eyeliner from the night before.

"It's Margaux now." She says and I raise my eyebrows in complete confusion and don't bother ask why. I look at Gemma who doesn't seem too pleased about her return either.

"Look at you, you're all … different" she says still sat at the table, legs spread apart classy as ever. She's definitely a Trager.

"Well, I aged a couple years and got my shit together" I tell her and she laughs in a very immature way.

"Yeah, I'm still working on that" she says through chewing her gum and playing with her hair. In my head I'm thinking clearly nothing about her she has got together, she probably still gets herself into the kind of ridiculous trouble me and her used to get into together.

"I thought you left, to become a doctor or something" she says and I try not roll my eyes and look like a condescending bitch.

"I did." I say keeping it short. I turn to the Juice who is on his laptop at the bar and ask him "Juice, why don't you show Dawn – sorry, Margaux your erm computer or something while I talk to Gemma"

Juice and Gemma both get the message while Dawn looks confused and I lead Gemma through to the kitchen.

When we get there I stand in front of Gemma with my arms crossed and ask her "Why does it feel like I have travelled back in time like fifteen years?"

"Trust me I know. She showed up here saying Fawn is in a bad way and she needs Tig to help her get to rehab."

"Fawn? What the hell is wrong with her?" I ask, as far as I know Fawn lives in Chicago – I bumped into her once in a bar, she was happy and glad to be away from Charming like I was.

"Bulimia … apparently. Rehab is gonna cost" she says and I don't believe Fawn has an eating disorder.

"You do know Tig is going to believe each word she tells him?" I ask Gemma

"If it means she gets out of here quicker with as little destruction as possible then so be it"

"Jesus, she is so messed up." I say leaning against the counter feeling light headed.

"What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be resting?" Gemma asks and I tell her "I have had plenty rest."

I grab myself a mug and start pouring some coffee hoping it will make me feel better.

"I'm not going to break apart Gemma" I reassure her but I don't think it's working.

"It's been a shitty time" she says and I nod at her. Shitty is an understatement.

"I need air" I tell her and go out to the front where Dawn is smoking and when she sees me she offers me her cigarette and I think about it.

"C'mon, there has to be some of that Cara I know still in there." she says and just to shut her up I grab it from her and sit down next to her on the bench.

When I inhale the smoke I don't cough, I enjoy the feeling it gives me which is not what I wanted so I hand it back to her so I don't take more.

"Gemma tells me Fawn isn't doing too well." I say

"Yeah" she says faking a sniffle, I know this is all bullshit but I will play along. "She needs treatment like really bad and it's expensive"

"Yeah I bet, you gonna stick around?" I ask her knowing that she won't. She will get the money and leave.

She shrugs her shoulders and lights another smoke. "This place doesn't have anything for me, remember?"

I nod at her knowing exactly what she means. Dawn didn't fit in; she was bad news. She rebelled much like her mother and she wasn't trusted amongst the club.

"I get it. I had time away … I don't know, I thought maybe it would be different when I came back but it wasn't. Some things just never change."

"I bet you and Jax got like ten billion kids already" she says and it's ironic considering what we just went through with the miss carriage.

"Two boys" is all I tell her and she smiles.

"Cara and Jax – Jax and Cara. You guys have always been like two peas in a pod." She says making me smile but I can see that she genuinely feels sad.

"You can have that too y'know … look, if you are in trouble –

"I'm not." She says cutting me off. "I just want my sister to get better." she adds completely having a shift in mood like it's a sensitive subject or something.

We hear the bikes coming in, perfect timing for where this conversation was heading. Jax was hoping off his bike when dawn said "Wow, Jax turned into a man"

I ignore her and tell her "Father dearest is here" when I see Tig and then I walk towards Jax putting my sunglasses on. He pulls me in gently and kisses me, I missed him. He peers over my shoulder seeing Dawn.

"Is that Tigs daughter?" he asks and I nod.

"Yup" I tell him linking my arm in his as we start walking "Dawn is apparently now called Margaux"

Jax's expression is much like mine when she told me the same thing.

"Why is she here?" Jax asks as we watch Tig greet her for the first time in years.

"She says she needs help with her sister"

"Oh Christ" he says

"Yeah I know, but don't worry" I tell him.

"If I look worried it's you I'm worried about. You sure you should be up and about?" he asks and he stops walking to stand in front of me.

"I'm fine, I promise. C'mon" I tell him and we go inside to face the commotion.


	53. Chapter 53

CHAPTER 53

This morning I got a call from Lyla freaking out wondering where Opie was because he didn't come home last night. Her mind goes exactly where mine used to go – sleeping with some whore.

I don't know what Lyla wants me to do, I'm already running around trying to feed two grumpy children whilst Jax paces the hall on the phone.

"Jax?" I call for him hoping he gets the message that I need help but he just holds up his finger at me trying to tell me he won't be long but I just roll my eyes and see to a hungry Thomas.

I pick him up out his chair to feed him his bottle "Ok, momma's here" I say and finally get to sit down.

Jax comes through to the kitchen finally and says "Sorry babe" but I don't say it's okay because he knows I'm pissed.

"Nothin you could have waited to deal with at the club house?" I ask him when he sits down opposite me at the table.

"It was Unser." He says and I furrow my brows, confused as to why he would call this early unless something bad has happened.

"Everything okay?" I ask

"Yeah, he's just getting something for me"

"Getting what?"

"Nothin that big of a deal babe" he says as he drinks his coffee "You heard from Ope? Lyla keeps callin"

"Yeah she's called me too, I haven't had a chance to call him yet" I point out emphasising how busy I've been. "Everything okay between them?" I ask

"How would I know? Ope is a closed book these days"

"Well I figured he would confide in you about things you know"

"When I see him I'll ask" he says and grabs some toast, leans down to kiss me and the boys, says bye then flies out the door.

I sigh and think is Jax hiding something? He still hasn't mentioned finding the letters after Clay told me. Was clay telling the truth? Is it risky to bring it up?

.. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. …. …..

Since this morning I have been feeling curious about what Jax needs from Unser and the only way I was going to find out was by asking Unser myself.

I drove over to his trailer on a dirt road where he's been staying. He was sat outside drinking coffee when I arrived and he look surprised to see me here.

"Mornin" I say to him as I walk over to where he's sitting.

"Morning Cara, didn't expect to be seeing you here. Especially with what just happened"

"I'm better" I tell him and sit down.

"Sorry I didn't come see you in the hospital, I er haven't been feeling too great myself with the chemo and all" he says and it makes me smile that he cares but I feel sad for him that he has to go through this.

I grab his hand to reassure him it's okay "To be honest I got sick of people visiting me in hospital."

Unser nods "So, did you come over here to enjoy the view or?" he asks sarcastically and I laugh as I look ahead at the non-existent view out here.

"I um – I know you probably know more than you think I do." I say and right now he looks confused but worried at the same time. "Specifically about … JT … and some letters."

"What do you want me to say Cara?" he asks shrugging his shoulders.

"I believe, or I should I say I was told that Jax found the letters that I have been hiding from him." I come out and say but I can tell Unser doesn't want to say what he should, like he's holding back. "And there's a reason I didn't want him to read them"

"He hasn't mentioned that he read em?" Unser asks and I shake my head then he says "Well then maybe he hasn't"

I shake my head at Unser and just come out with what I came here to ask "What does Jax need from you?"

His expression is blank so I keep pushing "Jax was on the phone with you this morning, he said it's because he needs something from you"

I can tell he's becoming more uncomfortable "Look, Cara … I don't want to get in the middle of whatever this is"

"You already are." I say and I hear him sigh, I think it's working.

"Jax came to me not long ago saying he read some letters okay? He didn't say how he got them and he didn't really say much about what was in em, just that if they mean what he thinks they mean then he needs more info."

"You have that more info?" I ask him meaning for him to go on.

"I mean I can get into things so when he asked I told him I would try"

"What did he ask for?" I ask again.

"The accident report from his father's accident." Unser finally comes out to say and my eyes widen "I guess he wants more info, see if the two match"

"Oh my god" I say, it makes sense.

"I think you need to clear this up with Jax because if I have learnt anything, it's that secrets like these are bad. They are bad for people like you and Jax."

I trust Unser's advice so I don't have a problem asking him "Is he crazy - or is this a good thing?"

"I think we both know that the way JT died was never solved – like it was pushed under the rug. I get the feeling those letters are under that rug sweetheart. Why else would those letters be such a secret?" he tells me and nod completely agreeing with what he's saying

.. … … … … …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. ..

When I pull into the club house Ima is pulling out. Why the hell was she here? Was the last time we spoke not a clear enough warning? Seeing her has angered me so I get out my car quick and walk to the back room where Opie is getting dressed, sensing that's where she just came from.

"Seriously?! Ima?!" I yell at him before he can tell I am there.

He is startled by my yelling and tells me "Please don't"

"Lyla has been going crazy wondering where you have been! The whole time you've been having fun with your dick?! Imagine if it was Lyla that had walked through here and not me?" I ask him but he just pulls on his cut and doesn't say anything.

"You just got married Opie" I state folding my arms.

"I found birth control pills in her stuff. This marriage doesn't mean shit."

"So you solve it by hooking up with a porn star? and Ima out of all of them Jesus Christ!"

"She was just there at the time" he says and I scoff at him, he's unbelievable. I was about to yell more abuse at him but I hear Jax come from behind and call "Ope chapel." And I can tell by the look on Jax's face he didn't expect me to be here.

"Can you talk some sense into this ass whole?" I ask Jax and storm past but something tells me whatever Jax says won't help anyway.

.. … … … … … …. …. …. …. …. …. …

"You calmed down yet?" Jax asks when he comes home late while I'm combing my wet hair after a very enjoyable much needed shower.

"I just don't think Opie realises what he's doing." I say and he comes up from behind me and starts massaging my shoulders.

"Do you really want to talk about your brother's sexual frustrations?" he asks and I shake my head, turn to face him and take a deep breath.

"There is something I need to talk to you about though" I say turning on my serious face preparing everything in me for the conversation we are about to have.

"Do you wanna sit down?" I ask him feeling nervous but he looks at me unsure why I'm asking such a stupid question but he sits down at the table anyway and sit opposite.

I start by saying "I know you have read all the letters from your father and I … I know what it is you need from Unser"

Jax's focus moves from me down to look at his hands but I continue talking despite how uncomfortable he's beginning to look "And it's okay that you haven't mentioned it to me but I just wanted you to understand why I hid them from you"

"I know" he says looking fairly calm and it makes me feel more relaxed. "You hid them to protect me" he says and I nod at him grabbing his hand across the table.

"Piney gave them to me." He says and I let go of the breath I've been holding in. It makes sense it was him; he was the only one that knew where they where – I just wish he had told me first. "He explained how you have been tiptoeing around them and even though he suggested not giving them to me he said he changed his mind. I wasn't going to mention I read them to you until I knew what I was dealing with."

"Clay was the one that told me you found them, he came to the hospital … so how does he know Jax?"

"He's probably been hassling Piney about them and to piss clay off he told him he gave them to me" he says and it worries me what Clay would do to get what he wants.

I nod at him understanding and I ask "But why would my dad change his mind?"

"Same reason he gave his version of my dad's manuscript to me the day of Donna's funeral – the truth"

"What do we do with that truth?" I ask him curious to know.

"You know it isn't easy babe. Things are adding up but one thing I know for sure is that Clay killed my old man and he didn't try once but two times before that." He says eyes wide and full of rage, the kind of rage which will hopefully end the misery that comes from Clay Morrow.

"No more hiding anything." I tell him and he nods back agreeing and repeats my words "No more hiding"

"And we deal with this together, whatever needs to be done I will support you and you will do it to protect our family, okay?" I tell him and he nods gazing right into my eyes. He lifts up my hand and kisses my knuckles and I release another breathe I've been holding in.

.. …. … …. …. …. … ….. …. …. … ….. …

I made a late night drive after mine and Jax's talk to go to the cabin to see my dad and thank him and when I get there he is cleaning out his guns whilst sipping on a pint of something, of course.

"Hey there" he says when he notices me walk in and I sit down next to him resting my elbows on the table next to all his gun parts

"Thank you" I say before saying hello or anything else.

"What for darling?" he asks looking up from his guns.

"For doing the right thing, helping Jax figure it out for himself by giving him the letters."

He puts down the guns and shrugs his shoulders "Well, I didn't know what else to do, something needed to be done"

I lean closer and kiss him on the cheek and tell him "You're a good man dad" and he seems surprised by it.

"I have my moments I guess." He says but I ask him what I've been wondering.

"How did you get into my drawer anyway?"

"I've been around a long enough to figure out how to unlock somethin without a key sweetheart." He says and gives me a wink.

"Well, you could of gave me a heads up." I say

"Cara, this is Jax's problem not yours, I knew he would tell you he read them when he was ready."

I let out a sigh and I lean back into my chair to say. "I feel sad for him y'know? Jax treated Clay like his father – he respected him. Jax looked up to him and agreed with pretty much every bad thing he got him to do, despite the circumstances. When I came back here I remember Jax talked about JT like he didn't care about him or the club but this whole time John just tried to escape the fear of the man who was sleeping with his wife while his son was being taken from him."

"Yeah – I watched it all happen, that's why giving Jax those letters were the best decision I ever made." He says and I couldn't agree more. "And whatever happens next will only be a good thing Cara, I can promise you that"

I smile back at him, feeling hope for the first time since reading those letters.


	54. Chapter 54

CHAPTER 54

 **I enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you enjoy reading and let me know what you think!**

It's been two days since I confronted Jax about the letters and I think it's safe to say the atmosphere in the club house is awkward and tense but things between me and Jax are great. In those two days I had time to think and I've registered that things will be different – I don't know how or when Clay will get what's coming to him as Clay still sits at the head of table.

Then I thought about the plan for me and Jax to get away from charming and it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon which as long as Clay isn't around I'm ok with.

As for Gemma she has accepted what Jax knows and she's accepted that something needs to happen to Clay which I've heard her say from herself. I know that they aren't living together anymore and the only time they cross paths is at TM.

I keep asking Jax when he will plan a time to let everyone know about the letters and truth about Clay killing JT. Everyone must be wondering why they've been keeping their distance from each other but he doesn't know 'when is right' and that there is 'more to it'.

I also worry about my dad. Although I have told him I'm thankful for giving the letters to Jax I know Clay won't feel the same and the history the two of them have together is bad enough.

I know Jax better than anyone and the last thing he will do is walk away from his club that's falling apart.

.. … … ….. …. …. … …. … …. …. ….

It was late and Neeta was still here helping the boys get ready for bed and since Jax wasn't picking up his cell I decided I might as well drive over to the clubhouse to see if he's there.

When I get there I can see Opie's bike but no sign of Jax's. When I open the club house door I hear yelling coming from towards the back and when I walk there I can see Opie standing in the doorway of the chapel pointing a gun. I walk nearer towards where he is and see he's pointing it at Clay and Jax is pointing his gun at Opie

"What the hell is going on?!" I shout when I stand at the chapel door.

"Go outside Cara!" Jax yells at me when he notices I'm here

"No! she should see this!" Opie yells and my focus is going back and forth between them.

"See what Ope?! Will someone tell me what happened?!" I ask franticly

"Clay killed Dad" he said still looking at Clay and I'm not sure if I heard him correctly or just don't want to believe it.

"Shit" I hear Jax say under his breath and yell at Opie "Ope just put the gun down!"

"What?" I say quietly not sure what else to say, hoping his words aren't true.

"I found him Cara, with a hole blown through his chest!" he says and I stand there in shock as I try register his words. Clay did what I was paranoid he would do, because of the letters.

"Do I get to say anything here?" Clay says from his end of the room.

"Did my old man get to say anything when you blew hole in his chest?! Sit down!" Opie yells at Clay and I've never seen Opie this angry - ever.

"Ope, put it down – don't make me shoot you!" Jax yells, why is Jax protecting him?

"Somebody's been lying to you Ope" Clay says lying through his teeth and I'm still standing frozen from what Opie told me. I don't even notice I'm crying until I taste tears in wide open shocked mouth.

"Having Donna killed, that a lie!?" Opie yells again, what the hell has this got to do with Donna? "You're gonna die at the gavel!" he yells one last time and all I hear is BANG BANG BANG and clay falls to the ground.

"SHIT!" Opie calls out grabbing a hold of his hand and I go towards him to make sure he's ok but his hand has a gunshot wound – I take off my jacket quickly and wrap it around his hand.

"Jax!" I yell at him as he goes over to Clay to try help him, then Rat comes running through freaking out trying to help Clay up.

"Go take Opie to the truck Cara and wait for me there!" Jax yells asking me

"You just shot Opie Jax!" I yell back him

"CARA! GO! TAKE OPIE TO THE TRUCK!" he yells at me one last time while I look back at him annoyed by his response. I grab Opie by the arm and walk quickly to the truck.

I help get Opie into the front seat of the truck and ask him "Are you okay?" while I wipe my still running tears.

"Yeah" is all he says

"Put pre-ssure on - it, o-kay?" I tell him through the tears, shut his door and go and sit in the back seat and wait for Jax. When we are both sitting in the truck its silent apart from Opie's groans from pain.

"Oh my god" I say covering my mouth

"I'm sorry you found out this way" Opie tells me looking in the rear-view mirror

"Ug-h" I let out wiping my completely wet face

I hear the driver's door opens and Jax hops in covered in blood.

"Where is he?" I ask still crying and Jax turns on the engine and starts pulling out the drive

"In the garage, with Unser – an ambulance is on its way. Its covered"

"I'm gonna kill him Cara" Opie tells me ignoring Jax.

"No, you're gonna let me find out what the hell happened!" Jax yells at Opie

"I hope he dies." I say to myself loud enough for them to hear

"Talk to your mother Jax. Gemma and Unser found my old man up at the cabin. They knew Clay killed him and tried to pass it off as a cartel hit." Opie tells him

"How do you know all that?" Jax asks him

"Unser followed me up there last night." Opie tells him and Jax says "Jesus Christ."

I break out of my stare out the window when I hear Opie say last night to say "You knew since last night?"

"Yeah"

"Why didn't you say anything?!"

"Because Cara, you're my little sister it's not something that is that easy to tell!"

"I'm gonna drop you at the emergency care off of Crane. Lyla'll pick you up?" Jax says to Opie

"Yeah, man."

"You gotta lay low, Ope. I'll tell the guys you're up at the cabin. I will find the truth, I promise."

"Yeah. Just what I need, another promise." Opie says as we pull up at the hospital and Opie jumps out

"Maybe I should go with you Opie" I say getting out of the truck.

"No Cara, get back in the truck" Jax says and I sigh, annoyed at him telling me what to do.

"Jax is right, I'll be okay" he says and I give him a sympathetic look and I get back in the truck but in the passenger seat this time and Jax continues driving on.

We drove in silence for a couple of minutes, the only sound was me silently crying and the engine.

"Why did you try stop him Jax?" I ask him bluntly not looking at him but out the window.

"Cara, it's not that simple."

"He kill-ed my d-ad Jax. How is it – how is it not simple to give a man what he deserves?" I say this time looking at him but he focuses on the road. "How are you in this much denial? After everything we talked about with the letters and -"

"I'm not in denial! If I had let Opie just shoot Clay in the head this would be a bigger issue than you think. A member killing another member of the club … it's not good Cara. You have to vote – look into these things.'"

"Bu-llshit!" I yell at him and more tears keep running as I feel angrier "Take a vote, pfft. If that's your right way of doing things, then why has Clay been walking around like the god damn king after what happened to Donna!? … Opie said he ha-d something to do with her death. Did you know about that?" I ask him looking at him this time.

"Cara, will you drop it?" he tries to tell me

"Stop the car." I tell him trying to remain calm.

"No Cara! Are you crazy?!"

"JUST STOP THE CAR!" I yell at him louder than I didn't know my voice could go and I feel the car swerve and him pull over and I take the chance and get out slamming the door behind me.

"Where he hell do you think you're going?!" he yells after me but I ignore him. "Cara stop being a child and get back in the truck." He says and that was enough to make me turn back and when I get near him I push him

"HOW DARE YOU?!" I say and push him again

"CARA STOP!" he yells back at me

"NO!" I yell and try to calm down and control my breathing. "I'm am done with this shit! I dodge bullets for you, I watched people get stabbed because of you, children are kidnapped and now my dad dies because of this club by a man you said would die for everything he did and now you are trying to protect!" I step back and wipe my eyes for the millionth time. "When your father died you got to do whatever the hell you wanted. You started treating me like shit on and off – you yelled at me for no reason, I didn't hear from you at days at a time. I'm allowed to be this angry okay?! I'm allowed to want the man who killed my dad suffer the same fate!"

"Look, I know it's hard Cara but I will deal with it!" he says holding his hands up

"What you just throw away the clothes?! Wipe away the blood?! Is that how you deal with it Jax?! God, this is starting to make so much sense!" I say pushing my hair out of my face

"What are you talking about?" he asks me.

"Maybe if I had told you sooner about the letters then Clay wouldn't have done this." I say taking a breath and trying to control my new tears. "And all the times Clay mentioned them to me I just pushed it aside not thinking he would do anything and now."

"Hey" Jax says softly and puts his hands on my shoulders "I'm not mad okay? I get it, I get how you feel, that anger, that grieve – you want Clay dead. Look, so do I but as I said it's not that simple. You just have to trust me. Do you trust me?" he asks and puts his hands on my face.

"Yes" I say as he wipes away my tears.

"I ask myself the same questions you do and I loved your old man. We will make him suffer, just at the right time. I promise you"

"I don't know how many more promises I can take" I tell him blankly and walk past him and back to the truck.


	55. Chapter 55

CHAPTER 55

After what happened last night Jax drove me home but went back out to clean up the mess and round up the guys to the hospital who all have no idea the real reason Clay was shot.

When I got in Neeta was sat up – she didn't ask any prying questions. Just if I was okay which made me completely broke down. I didn't tell her anything I just cried in her arms letting out all of my emotional pain and anger I had just endured. She kept telling me it was okay and she talked about how great I was and that she felt lucky to watch over Abel and Thomas but I couldn't even thank her because I couldn't speak from the shock that was still in me.

When Neeta eventually left last night I woke up Abel and Thomas and brought them into mine and Jax's bed with me for them to sleep. I wanted them to feel safe although I wasn't sure how much safer they would be

This morning I felt the same but just a little more numb, my eyes where dry and I was scared to open them. My hair was knotted and I was still dressed in the same clothes from last night.

When I realised the daylight was peering through the curtains I felt the boys weren't next to me. I jolted up out of the bed in a panic wondering where they might be but when I got to the kitchen they were having their breakfast with Gemma and I felt relieved but stupid for reacting that way and jumping to conclusions.

When Gemma seen me she looks concerned, obviously knowing what happened last night but for once I don't think she even knew what to say to make me feel better.

"Where's Jax?" is the first thing I ask. I didn't hear him come in last night or this morning.

"Shower baby" she says and I walk straight to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet seat starting down at the bloody clothes from last night while Jax turns off the shower.

"You get much sleep?" he asks me and I just shrug my shoulders, last night I was in and out of my sleep. "The boys where awake when I got in about an hour ago" he says and I just nod.

"Is he dead?" I ask Jax referring to Clay. Jax shakes his head in response and I sigh frustrated that he's not.

"He was in surgery when I left the hospital"

"Do the guys know?" I ask him and he shakes his head again.

"They think it was black"

"So that's it, your just gonna lie? …. Like he did?" I aks and lean down to pick up the clothes and put them in the laundry basket.

"No Cara, I'm doing it so your stupid brother doesn't go down for attempted murder."

"Well if it was me …" I say standing up to face him to continue saying "I would gladly do time for murdering him"

Jax furrows his brow back at me, his hair dripping wet and the worry spread all over his face. "You aren't thinking clear babe" he says and I tell him.

My eyes widen and I tell him "I would argue, I'm the clearest I've ever been"

"Yeah, rage feels that way." He tries telling me "Look, deal goes down with the Irish today then this can be dealt with the right way. I don't want you left alone okay? Stay with my mom and I'll be back tonight … it's gonna be okay" he says but my expression doesn't change. I want this over with, I don't want surgeons to waste their time saving a man who doesn't deserve it and I don't want everyone else thinking Clay is still a saint.

"We shouldn't leave." I tell him to which he looks surpised to hear.

"I told you I'm getting us out Cara."

"No, it's not right" I say trying to make him see that if Clay is gone things might be better. "Tell me you love me" I say.

"I love you, Cara … do you love me?" he asks and I stare off into space and say

"If I could stop I would." Then I grab his hand which is by his side and tell him "I love you, Jackson. I just wish it didn't hurt this bad."

I can tell it breaks his heart so he pulls me in to his naked chest and I start crying again while he holds me telling me it's okay.

.. … …. … …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

I went to the hospital once I knew that none of the guys and Jax would be there. I had to see Clay, I had to talk to the doctors know what was going on.

I find his side room without needing to ask anyone. When I walk in he's asleep with an oxygen mask over his mouth helping him breathe.

I peer over him and I make a coughing noise so he knows that I am here. When he realises it's me he looks surprised, frightened almost.

"It's not nice when someone you don't expect to visit you in your hospital bed does, is it?" I say to him and he pulls of his mask, his eyes wide while he tries to adjust without it.

"W-hy a-re yo-u her-e?" he manages to say through his pain and tough breathes but that's not making me hold back with my words

"I wanted to let you know that I wish the hole that was blown in my dad chest was blown through yours." I say fighting back my tears. Clay doesn't say anything; he doesn't even look guilty for what he has done.

"You talk about brotherhood and how Jax is your son and you loved him like you loved JT but you don't mean it. You lied to the people who respected you and you kill the ones who know who you truly are. You deserve nothing. Because you are nothing but a greedy crippled old man who doesn't like it when things don't go your way. Well guess what? Things will never go your way again."

I lean in closer to him and say "Jax is going to take that gavel and I will be by his side when he does and you can watch how a true leader leads his club" then I stand back and peer down on him like I was before.

I walk towards the door after saying my peace and turn around to finish off by saying "That's if you live to see the day." Then I slam the door behind me and storm down the hall feeling cleansed saying those words and seeing him vulnerable and in pain.


	56. Chapter 56

CHAPTER 56

We were on lockdown. Clay was shot on samcro territory and It's freaking everyone out that doesn't really know what went down. It's just standard procedure that would normally take place if something like this happened and everyone has to believe that whoever did it is 'unknown'.

Opie was here with Lyla. Things seem better between them; I don't know if she is aware of his cheating escapade. I'm just glad Opie has her right now because I worry about him – he's reckless when he's angry a bit like me really.

I remember when we would go on lockdown all the time after someone we knew was murdered, missing or threatened. It wasn't as often as now but I remember it causing most of the fights between my parents. I remember Gemma would always make sure everyone was feeling ok, she would constantly check up on me and Jax and make sure we never left the club house alone.

I remember this lockdown the most.

" _So, what do you say we get out of here? Go for a ride?" I asked Jax laying on his chest._

" _No babe, we can't" he said and I rolled my eyes._

" _Ugh … if you don't wear your prospect patch wont we be ok?" I asked him again but the look he gave me suggested his answer won't be changing._

" _You know the rules"_

" _I just hate how crowded it is … and my mom won't stop arguing with my dad over nothing, I just want to escape" I said and started kissing his neck teasing him._

" _We can escape in other ways" Jax suggested giving me a seductive smirk making me blush and feel excited inside like always._

 _He leaned down over me to kiss me intensely whilst moving his hands up and down my sides giving me goose bumps while pushing my legs apart with his knee._

" _Jax" I say through the kisses to try get his attention when I hear footsteps coming down the hall "Someone is coming" I say but he wouldn't listen and started pulling down my pants._

 _The door flew open and Jax finally got off me "Jesus mom!" Jax yelled as Gemma stood in the door way hand on her hip and I covered myself up no longer humiliated since this tends to happen a lot._

" _You need to get out here – both of you get dressed." She said with a serious tone and she closed the door._

" _This better be good" Jax says as he pulls on his shirt and pants, so did I._

 _When we got out the room into the main part of the club house the atmosphere was different. It was quiet and people who I didn't even know where staring at me and Jax._

" _Come in here" Gemma says to Jax and leads him into the chapel but I stay where I am._

 _I turned to look at Opie sat on the couch with Donna. They looked the same as everyone else – blank faced and down about something._

" _What Is going on Ope? Why is everyone acting so weird?" I asked him and his expression didn't change._

" _JT … He's in critical condition at St Thomas" he said and my eyes widened and I sat myself down opposite them "He got hit by semi on his bike … it's not looking too good"_

 _I covered my mouth with my hand and whispered "oh my god" under my breath, my first thought going straight to Jax who was being told the same thing in the next room._

 _In only a few moments Gemma came out the Chapel looking straight at me. I stood up and walked towards her and embraced her in a hug._

" _He's gonna be ok isn't he? John?" I asked her when we pulled apart. She just looked back tears welling up in her eyes and said through her tears "T-oo lat-e darlin" and she walked on._

 _I stepped back to try take in the news. One second he was in the hospital, now he's gone. Jax's dad was gone._

 _I walked into the chapel; not something I did much. Jax was sat at the head in his dads seat with his head between his arms leaning on the table. I take a seat on his left next to him and grabbed a hold of the top of his arm and leaned my head on it to comfort him._

" _I'm so sorry Jax" I whisper but he lets out a loud cry and it breaks my heart. He lifts his head for me to see his puffy red eyes and I hold it in my right hand. "I'm here baby" I told him and he nodded, letting out more tears. I moved closer to him best I could "Just let it all out … it's okay" I tell him and puts his hand over the top of mine and keeps crying while I do too and I watched him fall apart right in front of me._

… … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….. …. ..

Here we were sat in the same seats we were in nearly 18 years ago dealing with the after math of it all.

"I told Clay he needs to step down." Jax says

"Step down? You mean sit at this table?" I ask surprised but confused at what he means but Jax just nods but I'm shaking my head.

"You can't kill him can you?" I ask

Jax shakes his head at me, the look of disappointment in his face "I'm so sorry … I want this too, more than anything; trust me but if I kill him now it could put us in more danger than we are already in"

I look down not feeling vengeful anymore just frustrated.

"Okay" I say not knowing what else I can say that will matter, there's nothing we can do. Jax looks surprised by my short and calming response.

"I need him Cara, to keep the Irish happy – that's it. But I promise you, I will not let him come anywhere near you or our boys … He's already dead to me"

"And the other guys? They think he is just stepping down because of his injuries?"

"They know his hands are frail and that someone taking his place was going to happen anytime soon. They will know the truth eventually – when the time is right"

"And you, you tak-e that place?" I ask already knowing the answer deep down

"Walking away from the club is one thing babe, but walking away from my brothers? That's something I could never forgive myself for." He says and I nod feeling proud at how he stands up for what he believes in.

"I know and I love you for that. I think you are an extremely loyal man Jax. And I wish your father and was here to see you sit in that seat too" I tell him and he grabs my hand the same way he grabbed it that night but this time a look of passion on his face and not heartbreak.

 **I enjoyed reading this chapter, please send a review if you are still reading!**


	57. Chapter 57

CHAPTER 57

Jax was anxious, I could tell. He was pacing the back room of the clubhouse whilst I sat there and watched. His whole life has been leading up to his moment. He was about to take his first official seat at the head of the table whilst everyone he grew up with sat down next to him.

"Jax" I was saying but he wasn't listening so I say it again "Jax" and I stand up to walk towards him "Everyone out there believes in you. I believe in you."

"You've got this" I tell him

"I've got this" he says making me smile proudly.

I walk over to the dresser and I pick up the president patch Clay once wore. I put it in his hand and he takes it from me and I say. "You put this on … and you show him how it's done." And he nods and leans down to kiss me.

We begin walking down the hall me being behind him the whole time. When we get out into the clubhouse everyone is watching except I can't see Opie. I know Jax would want him to be here by his side as his VP.

Gemma comes in and asks "What's going on?" but no one answers since we think it's pretty clear.

All eyes were on Jax when he went into the chapel. They followed him in one by one while I stood outside waiting for the seats to fill up. I didn't want to intrude too much on this moment for Jax I want him to know I have no doubts and I support his decision.

I put my arm out to Gemma and tell her "C'mon" as we walk towards where everyone else is in the chapel

I stand behind Jax who sits at the head of the table while Gemma stands by the door, looking on.

… …. … …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. ….

I went over to Opie's partly because I was worried about him and partly because Lyla had told me she had been staying at her mom's.

"Don't you know how to answer a call? Jax is in Clay's spot" I ask him as he sips on his beer not saying anything.

"Opie?"

"What do you want me to say Cara? Huh?" he asks and its hurts me to see him like this

"How am I supposed to sit at that table and share a patch with Clay?"

"For Jax" I tell him but he just shakes his head and tuts.

"You are unbelievable." He says and my sympathy for him instantly goes from a ten to a two after that insult. "You really think things are going to get better now that Jax sits at the head of that table?" he asks but I don't know what to say – I certainly believe in Jax that's for sure.

"The club is – it's in a bad way because of Clay. That isn't something Jax can just fix"

"I know Opie –" I say

"No! You don't! You don't get it at all! You just care about being some god damn queen like Gemma while you walk around pretending like everything is okay and that you're some perfect mother with a perfect family but really you don't know whose chest could be blown through next!"

Speechless from his words I slap him across the face and walk out fast back to my car. I can't believe Opie would say such hurtful things to me especially after the death of our father. I know things won't magically be fixed and I definitely don't expect Jax to fix them all himself, but he doesn't have hope – it's like he's got nothing left in him to look forward too.

As I sit in my car my chest is breathing fast full of rage and upset. I get out the car and storm back through Opie's front door. It's my turn to have my say.

He's still sat in the same place I left him in drinking away his sorrows. I don't know what came over me but I grab his beer from his hand to get his attention and I through it across the room

"You know what?! You are a lame father! You can't say that I pretend to be a perfect mother because compared to you I am perfect. I do everything I possibly can every single day to protect these boys!" I yell and throw my hands up in the air "Jesus you didn't even know that me and Jax were planning to get out of this shit hole of a town! … FOR THEM!" I let out the breath I've been holding in.

Opie doesn't give off much of a reaction but I keep going with what I have to say.

"I don't even remember the last time I seen you with Kenny and Ellie, the nearest thing they had to a father after Donna died was our dad and now he's gone I can't imagine how they must be feeling. Have you even asked them? Checked on them?" I ask him but his expression is still blank, he doesn't like hearing the truth. I shake my head and say

"Don't you ever tell me that I pretend. My life is one big fucking bubble of reality; I don't pretend anything is ok. Everything is far from ok Opie! I just wish you would learn to suck it up and be there for the only people that care about you that you have left." I say finalising my point and this time I leave and get in my car not planning on turning back.


	58. Chapter 58

CHAPTER 58

Me and Jax where having a lazy morning lying in bed while the boys still slept. This rarely happened so we were savouring the moment.

I was telling Jax about what went down with me and Opie last night, someone had to talk him down and I was hoping Jax maybe would.

"I can't get through to him Jax." I say as I lay with my head on his chest running my hand through his now getting longer hair. I liked it longer.

I hear Jax sigh which tells me he doesn't know what to do either. "Ope has never been the same since he got out of Stockton since you came back babe"

"I know"

"It's not about retaliation for him. Once that's over with its like he keeps searching for more."

"But wouldn't you do the same?" I ask him

"Hell … I'd destroy anyone who tried to hurt you babe" he says and it makes me smile.

"Nothing is going to happen to me" I tell him just so he doesn't start laying down some protection rules, I think we have enough of them.

"I know, I won't let it" he says and I nod knowing he's right.

"What are you up to today anyway?" I ask him and he rubs his eyes.

"Gotta meet with the niners, sort some shit out."

"Be careful okay?" I tell him and kiss his cheek and roll out of bed ready to start the day.

"I want you carrying that gun" he says and I nod at him, understanding his concern. "I know you don't like it when I go on about protecting you so if you can protect yourself"

"Jax … I will carry the gun. Okay?" I say and lean down to kiss him while he still lays in bed.

"C'mon, come help me with the boys" I say pulling him out of bed.

.. …. ….. …. ….. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….

"Well, how does it feel to be back?" Margaret asked

"Great" I say, telling the truth. Being back at work I can keep busy, be distracted and do things that I love doing. Be in control.

"I am really sorry about your father" she says reminding me of the hell filled past week.

"Thanks, but I just want to get back to work y'know?"

"Yes. Of course, you have a busy day ahead of you so here is your schedule so far" she says and hands it to me.

"And the boys? How are they?" she asks

"They are good, growing quick – keeping me on my toes"

"That's sweet" she says walking about the door but turning around to say "Cara, I have grown to know you pretty well since you've been here and I know how good you are at keeping things in. So, if you need to talk … I'm here"

I smile and give her a nod back. Somehow I don't think anything I have to talk about with her she would understand but it was nice to know she cared.

.. …. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….

After work I ended up taking a drive to my dad's cabin for first time since he died. Someone need to clear out his stuff instead of it just lying there and since Opie and me weren't talking since our chat I decided to just take it upon myself.

I took out my spare key, took a deep breath and opened up the door. The old door needed a bit of a push but as soon as it opened I was met with an awful stench and Opie sat in the middle of the room surrounded by boxes and random things.

When he seen me he looked up but honestly I didn't know what to say to him so I'm glad when he speaks first.

"Hey" he says

"Sorry, I didn't know you'd be here" I say not really knowing why I'm apologising.

"This place is shit hole" he says and I nod

"Yeah, dad wasn't really one for organisation" I say agreeing with him and I look at what he's reading.

"What's that?" I asked him and he handed it to me.

"Found it in a box full of photos and war medals" he says and when I look down at it I instantly know it's from John – the same paper and font from the manu script Jax found.

"It's from JT" Opie says and I sit down next to him, sigh and smile.

" _To my oldest and dearest friend. What we had you I was a good thing, for a good reason. What we've become is a different thing, for reasons I no longer understand. I feel angry winds at my back and I'm not sure how much time I have left in this cut I love so_

 _much. This book is for all the things we wanted. And for all the things we still can be. I love you, brother."_

My eyes started welling up.

"Wow" I say and I when I turn the page I realise it's the same manuscript, just the copy John gave to my dad.

I turn to Opie thinking that maybe if he read this it would make him feel better about the club "You should read this Ope"

"I already have" he says and I give him a confused look. He's read it already?

"Jax gave it to me a while back, I read it and honestly? It made me feel angrier than hopeful. Angry at the fact this club is taking the piss out of John's words"

I sigh at his response and say "Opie, Jax needs you"

"I know. But he has you"

"But you are his best friend, you know he trusts you more than anyone in this club" I tell him trying to talk some sense into him. "Think about what dad would want you to do"

"He'd want Clay dead and JT back" he says and I nod completely agreeing with him.

"I don't know what you want me to say … things with you have never been great ever since Donna" I say

"Not something I can ever get over I guess"

"I know" I say and pat him on the back "This life, it's not fun. It's not motorcycles, cute bikers and parties. It's just dirty and sad"

"I should have just listened to Donna more" he says and I feel sad for him, he lives with so many regrets. We all do. "That's why Jax should listen to you"

"Yeah" I say quietly and then I feel like there's nothing more to say.


	59. Chapter 59

CHAPTER 59

"The guys are throwing a party tonight if you wanna come?" Jax asked and I was surprised, Jax never asked me formally to parties like this. Simply because he knows it's not my scene like it used to be when I was younger.

"What like? Celebrating the new president kind of party?" I ask him smirking, he nods feeling a little embarrassed I think. "I'll come" I tell him and he raises his eyes widen surprised by my response.

"Good, I need you by my side."

"Please don't go referring to me as your 'queen'" I say raising my eyebrows at him.

"Nah, I'll just wait till everything starts sagging and you're my mom's age" he says and I slap him on the arm but he kisses me on the cheek.

I pick Thomas up out his chair and ask Jax "Will Clay be there?"

He just shrugs his shoulders probably not wanting to talk about it but I couldn't help but ask.

"It's fine. It's not like he's going to be centre of attention now anyway" I say still not pleased about his presence being there but I think Jax is glad he didn't have to explain anything.

… … ….. …. …. …. …. ….. …. ….. …. …. …

When I got to the clubhouse it was already dark out and very busy full of the same old faces all cheering for Jax and for me. I hated the attention.

I went to the garage where it was quiet and Opie was standing with Lyla while they drank some beers.

"Hey!" Lyla calls out to me when she sees me come in. "Thank god you are here." She says and I laugh.

"Well, I don't really know where else I would be" I tell her and lean in for a hug. Over Lyla's shoulder I notice dads bike in the corner, just sitting there. I had completely forgot about it.

"Hey, you know what you're doing with that?" I asked Opie when I let go off Lyla and he shrugs his shoulders.

"Probably sell it or something" he suggests, not what I expect him to be suggesting.

"There aren't many pensioner bikers in Charming Opie. No one will want to buy a three-wheel bike." I tell him trying to persuade him not too.

"The parts are what it would sell for!" He says and I sigh then fold my arms.

"No. This is dads bike." I say standing my ground.

"What you gonna do with it?" he asks and I can see Lyla becoming uncomfortable as we start to bicker. Opie is stubborn.

"What do you mean Ope? I want to keep it as a memory or something I don't know."

"Where you gonna store it?" he asks and I roll my eyes.

"I have a garage Opie!" I shout at him.

"What's going on?" Jax asks from behind and he puts his arm around me but I didn't even notice him come in.

"Your old lady here wants to keep our dad's bike when it should just be sold" Opie tells Jax.

"Ope, you shouldn't sell something your dad loved so much, maybe you should just think about it" Jax tells him and I'm grateful he's actually on my side with this.

"Yeah, your right Jax. Let's have it on display in the clubhouse like JT's so I can have a daily reminder of the fact my own father was murdered by a guy who by the way is still walking around this place wearing the same patch as me!" Opie yells and Lyla comforts him but wrapping her hand around his arm, trying to calm him down.

"We'll take it home." I tell him, ending this stupid argument and storming out the garage through to the clubhouse to go straight behind the bar to pour myself a drink, Jax following behind me.

"Why do you and Ope do nothing but argue these days?" he asks me as I chug back my drink.

"Maybe because he's always so uptight and he acts like he's the only one who just lost his dad." I say and chug back another.

"Babe" Jax says probably because of the amount of bourbon I'm shooting down my throat and how he can sense some yelling to come. I groan at the sound of his warning.

"What?" I snap at him

"That won't help" he says talking about the bourbon.

"Really? You're going to try tell me what to do?" I ask him not realising I'm attracting the attention of everyone else around us but I don't care. I'm angry and frustrated.

"Do you remember when Abel went missing and you wouldn't talk to me for a week? This worked for you then" I say holding up the bottle and walking past him carrying it with me.

I got outside and took a deep breath inhaling the fresh air but it just made me feel worse.

My emotions where all over the place. Everything that has happened between my miscarriage and my dad's death was drowning me, pulling me under. I could blame the alcohol but this grief is enough to send anyone over the edge.

"HEY" I hear from behind me and when I turn around its Jax trying to catch up with me but I keep walking but I forget he's taller and stronger than me so it doesn't take him long to catch up and when he does he grabs my arm turning me around with force.

"Don't touch me!" I yell at him and he grabs the bottle out of my hand.

"Get in the car I'm taking you home" he says pointing to my car.

"Why?!" I ask him

"Because you are drunk Cara, that's why!" he yells

"Sorry, am I embarrassing you? Am I not doing my duties?!" I yell back at him stumbling slightly.

"Cara, please. You are upset let's just go home" he says in a calmer tone.

"I'm not upset! I'm pissed off! At everything! At this! You are in charge now Jax but nothing feels different. Why do I not feel different? Better?" I say sounding pathetic but it's true, Jax being president doesn't change anything, it doesn't bring back anything either.

"Cause you are grieving babe. It will take time"

I throw my hands up in the air and say "Fuck this! Enjoy your party!" I yell and throw my purse over my shoulder and start walking towards my car knowing really, I shouldn't drive it but something in me won't stop me. I had to get out of here.

"Are you crazy!?" Jax asks me as I open the driver's door and jump in.

"Let go of the door Jax" I tell him calmly trying to make him think that I'm okay.

"Let me drive" he says looking angrier the more I push.

I see Lyla coming up from behind him looking concerned. Maybe this will distract him so I can leave. "What's going on?! Cara, you okay?"

"She's fine!" Jax yells back at her

"Yeah Lyla, I'm perfectly fine." I say sarcastically.

"Do you want me to drive you?" she asks and Jax looks at her like it's just a bad idea.

"I don't want anyone to do anything! I want to leave on my own" I say

"You're being ridiculous, irresponsible!" Jax says. How dare he say something so hypocritical.

"Me?! Irresponsible?! Jesus!" I yell and I manage to yank the door shut despite his hand in the way and I lock it from the inside so he can't open the door.

"Jesus Christ Cara!" he yells banging his hands on the window. I turn on the engine and start backing out the drive fast before he can follow.

When I look in my rear-view I see Jax storming back to the clubhouse running his hands through his hair yelling at everyone around him, probably telling them to follow me. When I lose sight of him I let out a breath then the tears start rolling out of control down my face but I keep riding down the street nowhere to go.

My eyes are blurry due to the tears but I can still make out the roads. I know these streets I tell myself.

I turn on the radio and I turn up the volume needing something to distract me from my dizzy head and all the yelling that had just went on.

Things where a bit fuzzy. All the buttons on my dashboard beamed bright. I punched a few buttons to get them to shut off, maybe dim down a bit. Even the street lights where bright.

My hands where tight on the wheel, I was gripping it hard. Before I even knew it, I was on a road I didn't recognise and as I tried to look around me I started to lose control of the car.

I could see headlights in front of me so I jerked the car to the right as an instinct not knowing where it would lead. When I realised I was going down and not straight I was slamming on my breaks the best I could reach. This car was always too big for me.

It was a hard hit. I was beaten. I couldn't move.

 **Who's still reading? Let me know if you are!**


	60. Chapter 60

CHAPTER 60

I wake up and I remember the last time I was awake I was in the car feeling suffocated. I remember the air bag in my face and not being able to lift my pounding head. Everything was in slow motion as I tried to move.

I don't really remember getting here in the hospital and I don't remember who found me. I do remember waiting for a long time to get out and get help. Part of me felt scared and a big part of me didn't really care.

I feel a little ashamed and embarrassed at what I got myself into as now I lay here in the hospital I work surrounded by the people I work with. They must think I'm a mess. I am.

The door opens awakening me from my thoughts. I turn my head as far as I can then I see Jax.

"Hey" he says softly sitting down with a cup of coffee in one hand and putting his other in my left to hold.

I look at my right hand which is bandaged up. That's when I feel a bit of the pain.

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

"Crappy" I say, sounding croaky. First time I've spoken since it happened.

Jax gets up to pour me some water and he puts it to my mouth helping me move forward to take a sip. My neck is so stiff but I think it is ok.

"Careful" he says when I grab it from him. Turns out I'm thirstier than I thought.

Jax sits down again and I can tell he wants to say something. It feels awkward. Getting drunk and driving my car into a ditch is not normally what I do so I bet he doesn't know what to say.

"So, the doctor says you have broken your wrist, bruised a few ribs and you got a pretty deep cut on your stomach but they've stitched it up." He says and I sigh.

"Babe" he says and I feel like crying when he talks so nice to me, I don't deserve it. He grabs my hand again and says, "You hit your head hard too, said you could feel a little confused"

That would explain the pounding head.

"Well, is my dad still dead and am I still living in charming?" I ask but he looks down at his lap.

"It seems I'm not as confused as they think then" I say and he lets go of my hand to rub his face.

"I'm sorry" he says and shakes his head, tears filling up in his eyes. "I should have never let you get in that car and I should have been quicker to follow you"

"It's okay" I say lying, it's not okay. Where do we go from here? Will, I still have my job? What will people think? I'm not a drunk. I'm a surgeon who saves life's and I'm a mother.

Yet I think of who my family really is which probably already makes people think other things of me anyway.

"I'm still here. We can go back to normal, be a happy family and I can give up my job because they are probably not going to want me here anyway and I can stay home and be mom and you can do what you do, right?" I say crying and turn to look at him. He's crying too.

"What do you want babe?" he asks and I turn back and look up at the celling.

"I don't know, go back five years and be on a plane back to Chicago maybe" I say silently but Jax heard it loud and clear. It maybe sounded worse to him out loud than it did in my head.

He pushed back his chair with some force and got up to start pacing the room.

"I didn't make you stay." He began by saying "I told you to go back to Chicago after Donna was killed and you didn't. You did what you always do. You did the opposite and you stayed!" he said and I closed my eyes wishing to drift away and not hear this.

He continued.

"Do you not think that I was scared? Every single day I woke up next to you before you every morning I would look at you, watch you sleep and think how the fuck do I love you and be what I am at the same time?"

I pressed the button on my bed to move it further up so I could see him.

"I changed when I came back. I wasn't the same and you knew that." I said

"That's not it Cara! I changed! … I didn't have to double think and triple think about what could hurt other people but when you came back in this town that is all I did."

"But you don't anymore." I say

"Of course, I do!" he says back, yelling but I know how to back up this one.

"You said we were going to leave with our kids and yet here we are."

"We are leaving!" he shouts

"No Jax! We clearly aren't going anywhere!" I say defending my point.

"You told me when I took the gavel, when I put on that president patch that you would stick by me."

"I have!" I yell a little louder this time and I wince in pain, reminding me of my bruised ribs and the cut Jax told me about.

"Well then why do you question everything I do and do things like this!?" he says and I gasp at him.

"Seriously?! We are arguing about the same things we argued about last night! I have supported everything you do since you became president. I don't ask too many questions and I don't tell you when you need to be home. I don't question your rules and your stupid deals that you make and I certainly don't question the people you mix with! Who by the way are the kind of people who kidnapped our son if you remember!"

"Because I only tell you what you need to know Cara!"

"See, here we go! Listen to yourself! You always talk about yourself. Just like Clay did." I say and I can tell it upset him and angered him being compared to a traitor and a rat like Clay.

But it was true, he is turning this around on me. I could tell Jax didn't know what to say back.

It was silent for a few moments then I somehow got the courage in me to say.

"I love you." I tell him quietly by trying to end this pointless shouting as I begin to cry again. "But, I don't know if I can help myself whilst trying to help you at the same time."

I see him and he looks lost, like he doesn't know how to fix this or fix me.

Jax rubs his face again, something he does a lot when he's nervous, frustrated or upset.

"I'll get my mom to bring the boys to see you later if that's okay?" he says and another tear rolls down my cheek. I nod, he nods back then he leaves quickly.

I let out a loud cry when he was gone, the kind full of anger and heartbreak. I grab the water Jax gave me and I throw it across the room despite how sore I am. My angry emotions are my strength.

When it smashes all over the floor I roll over onto my side to cry more to myself not caring about the pain.


	61. Chapter 61

CHAPTER 61

Around four hours has passed and in that time doctors and nurses have been in. Some I know are just being nosey, trying to find out what's going on with me. Others are sympathetic or at least they are pretending to be.

I haven't slept because I can't after the way mine and Jax's conversation ended.

I don't know what happens next between us. I know we are meant to be together, we always have and there's no doubt about that but I feel like I'm always waiting for him. I'm always waiting for him to make things better, for him to live a normal day and for him to help pack our bags and get us out of here. Like he promised.

"Mommy!" I hear from my left and instantly my mood changes, hearing Abel's sweet voice

"Be careful Abel!" Gemma tells him as he pushes himself up onto the bed.

"Oh my gosh! Hi baby!" I say and I grab his face to kiss his cheeks.

Gemma puts down Thomas on my other side and I kiss the top of his head while he smiles up at me, pleased to see me too.

"You okay mommy?" Abel asks me, so sweet and oblivious.

"Yeah, don't worry. You make me feel better" I tell him squishing his side and he giggles, laying his head on my chest.

I look up at Gemma who's sat down in the seat Jax was in before.

"Thank god you are okay" she says

"I'm assuming Jax filled you in?" I ask expecting her to give me a lecture or have some sort of yelling come my way. She nodded answering my question.

"It's not like you Cara … What happened?" she asks and I roll my eyes

"I don't know"

"Honey" she begins so say but I interrupt her, not wanting to hear her speech.

"Please Gemma, don't tell me it's okay. I'm stupid. I don't deserve sympathy"

"I just want you to be okay." She says and I look down at Abel and Thomas at either of my side and I smile, they make me okay.

"I am" I say, lying clearly.

"You and Jax. I know things aren't great and they haven't been since Piney and the whole thing with Clay. I want you to know that its normal to have stages like this in a marriage" she says and I sigh. All she cares about is us being one big happy family for herself so she won't be alone.

"We aren't married. And a normal stage in a marriage is not having your loved ones murdered" I say. It bugged me that she calls us married already when we haven't even discussed it since the engagement, there's never been the right time.

"You ain't going to have a normal marriage anyway. He thinks the world of you Cara. When he got the call that you got in this accident he was torn up instantly, freaking out and thinking the worst. He needs you."

God the way she speaks - she is so selfish.

"Doesn't anyone think about what I need?" I ask sounding needy

"We will help you sweetheart."

"No!" I yell forgetting about Abel and Thomas next to me so I lower my voice. "I'm not the one who needs help. Can't you see that?"

"What do you mean?" she asks

"This family is breaking apart, people we love are either killed or we are betrayed by them."

"But we stick together"

"There is barely any of us left to stick!" I yell again. "I need to go Gemma, there is no good for me here anymore. There's Jax and our home but that's the only thing that feels okay. The second he walks out the door it all goes to shit.

"Jax won't leave Cara"

"You don't know?" I ask her but she looks confused. "Jax has been planning to get out since he got out of Jail"

She needed to know this.

"He promised me Gemma."

"Things will get better" Gemma says clearly in so much denial.

"You can tell yourself that but it won't. The chaos will never stop, it will only just get worse" I say and she raises from her seat, frightened from my words. The fear has crept into her that one day she might be alone, and everything she has lived for will be gone.

"You should take the boys home, they should be going to bed soon" I tell her then I kiss Thomas and Abel goodnight and I tell them I love them.

Gemma lifts up Thomas and grabs Abel's hand to jump off the bed.

"C'mon sweetheart, mommy needs to rest" she says to him.

As she walks towards the door with Thomas in her arms and Abel by her side I stop her by saying.

"I trust you Gemma." I say looking at her right in the eyes.

She smiles at me not saying anything back. I know she is happy me saying that to her. I do trust Gemma with the boys, she will keep them close.


	62. Chapter 62

CHAPTER 62

Last night I made sure I had plenty of morphine for the pain coming from my injuries. It helped me sleep which was what I needed but this morning I felt like I had a been partying the night before.

I felt like I had been hooked up on another drug when I see Mary come through the door – with flowers might I add.

This was the first time I've seen her since dad died. We haven't even talked about it yet.

"Hey" she said and put the flowers in the empty vase next to my bed.

"Hi … what are you doing here?" I ask her and try to sit in a more comfortable position in my bed.

"Jax called, he didn't give me too many details just that you where hear cause of some car accident." she said

"Really?" I asked her. Jax knows I wouldn't of called her myself so why did he?

"Yeah. I hesitated coming because I didn't know how you would react"

"No, it's okay. Thanks for the flowers."

"You doin okay?" she asked, one thing she didn't ask me often.

I hesitated. I didn't know if I should lie to her or tell her the truth about how I'm feeling.

"Not really" is what I said, going with the truth.

"I'm trying here Cara. This isn't like when you were younger hooked up to an IV because you drank too much at a party." She said and took a seat next to my bed.

"I see that. You brought me flowers, maybe I should be asking if you are okay" I joked smiling slightly, first time I've smiled since I seen the boys.

"Jax asked me on the phone what he should do" she says and I raise my eyebrows shocked. Is he that desperate he's asking my long-lost mother who I have zero relationship with for advice?

"Yeah, I know. I thought the same when he asked, but he sounded helpless and he doesn't know how to get you feeling normal again" she said and I sighed.

"We need space I think" I say

"You try too hard. You love him too deep that you forget what it does to you. Every bit of forgiveness you give him is a sacrifice for you and a step back … If you were anything like me which I know you definitely aren't then you would have stopped sacrificing and just … done what was best."

"I don't know what's happening to him" I say, inhale a breath and I lose it. I break down in front of my mom, something I have never done and never seen myself doing. Not how I planned my morning.

"This clu-b is changi-ng him" I say through my snot, tears and tough breathing due to my bruised ribs.

Mary leaned over and grab my hand. The feeling made me jolt at thirst but it was comforting. A little weird.

"Honey, if you want you can stay with me. You can bring the boys. I live in a nice neighbourhood. You need the help, you can't lift Thomas with your ribs and your wrist" she suggests but the whole time I'm shaking my head. I can't leave him like that.

"Mom, I love him" I say silently but looking at her right in the eyes. I could tell she could see my heart through them as its aching inside.

"And I loved your father. I loved him even when he was at his worst, so I get it but need to think of your kids Cara." She said almost tearing up. I forget how much she loved him.

"What do I do? Pack a bag, take Abel out of kindergarten and my .." my thoughts interrupted my speech when I was about to mention my job. I don't even know if I will have one.

"What does that look like? Drunk driver on the loose with her children?" I say. I sound like I care too much about what people think.

"It won't look like anything. The club will handle it." She says and I roll my eyes.

"The club" I say and sigh rubbing my face and muttering. "The fucking club"

"I know it sounds crazy and strange but it will be good for you Cara. Please let me make it up to you what I messed up when you needed me the most" she says and I'm trying to process this idea.

I need a break. Maybe staying with her won't be so bad, I will have help with the boys. We can bond maybe? It's weird but not the worst idea.

"I should get discharged tonight" I say and she smiles, I can see this makes her happy.

"You need this." She says and I nod as I wipe my tears and clear my nose.

"I'm going to need to talk to Jax when I get out of here. Put some things together."

"I'll be wherever you need me to be" she says and I nod.

…. …. … ….. …. …. …. …. … …. …. …. …..

"So doctor, I just need you to sign here .. here and .."

"I know" I say interrupting him as I begin scoring my signature at every mark. I know what needs signed on a god damn discharge paper.

I hand it over to him and he finally leaves.

I told my mom that I didn't need her to come to the house with me despite Jax being there or not. I just told her to come a little after so we could leave. Margaret was going to take me home. I really appreciated the support that my mom was giving me. She really does know me more than I thought, she doesn't push too hard and she doesn't expect too much. She knows I can get angry easily and some topics we shouldn't talk about. Yes, we had a lot to improve upon and maybe a lot to catch up on but I feel like this moment in time she understands me the most.

"You ready Cara?" Margaret asks standing by the door. I didn't even notice her come in or knock.

"Yeah, I'm ready" I tell her and grab my bag.

"Be careful, there's no rush" she says and it's not long before we get to her car.

The whole drive home I'm freaking out. Considering the time, it is in the evening I don't know if Jax will be home, if not Gemma will be there with the boys. I need him to be home so I can get over with what It is I have to say.

But when we arrived, I see Jax's bike in the drive, my palms increasingly became sweaty and my mouth became dry. I was nervous.

"You have my number so please do call so I know how you're doing and I'll keep you updated with work." Margaret says when we parked in the drive.

"Thank you, I will." I say to her, genuinely thankful "I would lean over and hug you but it hurts" I tell her but she understands. I get out the car slowly and carry my bag by my side, it's too sore for over the shoulder.

I got to the front door and already I could hear Gemma's voice. I didn't need her to be here for this. As soon as I walked in and went through to the kitchen Gemma and Jax had their eyes on me. Gemma was looking at me more than Jax. Jax was more fixated on his beer he had in his hand.

"Oh, hey, I didn't know they were letting you out." Gemma said and I dumped down my bag full of stuff Jax had packed for me on the chair.

"I got some meds to keep me going" I said. It was awkward, jax hadn't said anything yet he was just leaning against the counter still staring at his beer bottle.

"Well, I gotta get going. Things I gotta finish up at TM. I'll leave you guys to it. Goodnight" she says thankfully and when I say goodnight back she grabs her purse and leaves finally.

Now it's just me and Jax who haven't spoken since the hospital and it was about to be our toughest conversation yet.


	63. Chapter 63

CHAPTER 63

Me and Jax don't often have awkward moments like this so I hated the feeling. I leaned against the table opposite Jax wondering if he was going to speak first but I couldn't wait any longer so I was the first to speak up.

"Did the boys go to bed okay?" I ask him and he nods. I don't know where to begin this conversation so that's all I could think of saying. Suppose I was starting off easy.

Another couple of silent seconds went by then Jax spoke up.

"I'll be at the clubhouse tonight. You should get some rest" he says not even looking at me.

"Jax, you don't need to go anywhere. I'm the one who's leaving." I say, getting the hard part over with. It gets Jax's attention and he looks up at me for the first time since we began talking with the most confused look on his face.

"What?" he asks me and I take a deep breath.

"If you aren't going to do what you promised then I will leave myself, with the boys."

"You can't take my sons" he says scrunching up his face, going from confused to angry.

"I can Jax and I will." I say folding my arms across my chest.

Jax does that thing again where he rubs his whole face with his hands in frustration and then he paces back and forth in front of me.

"No. You will stay here and I will go" he dictates but I shake my head at his.

"Jax you aren't understanding me!" I say and he steps closer to me.

"What the hell is there to understand other than the fact you want to take my kids away from me!?" he says, his voice becoming louder

"It's not about you! It's me! I can't be here! And you should know that our boys shouldn't be here either." I yell back despite the pain I'm in. I think Jax forgets that I'm vulnerable here.

"I can't be in this town where all I feel is grieve. Everywhere I turn I'm reminded of what I have lost Jax." I continue saying.

"Babe … let me help" he says, almost like he's begging, his voice softening.

"You can't help me! Helping me is getting away from here." I yell, the opposite to his tone.

"Away from me? Like you said, you said you can't help me. So, you leave?!" He asks, looking more and more upset by my decision.

"Because I can't help you … and you can't help me unless we put space between us" I say hoping he understands this time.

"Where are you gonna go?" he asks and I know that when I tell him he will dislike the situation even more.

"My mom said we could stay with her while we –

"Your mom?! Are you serious?" he says interrupting me. I knew he wouldn't understand.

"It's just for a short while until you have figured out whatever you need to figure out with the club … If you love me and you love those boys then you will let us do what's best"

"It's insane Cara!" he yells again

"No Jax" I say pointing the finger at him "This life we are living in is insane. What did you really expect? After our last conversation that I was just going to come home and we can act like nothing happened?"

"I know what you mean by some space but you running with my kids is a whole different thing" he says and I roll my eyes

"Yes, the kind of space where no one will end up hurt but I'm not running. Do not call this running Jax, it's called reality"

"Yeah, that's what you said nearly sixteen years ago" he says and I feel like we are going around in circles, like we always do when we argue. He always brings up my past mistakes.

"Jesus Jax, is this what it always comes back to?" I ask him, shaking my head and running my hands through my hair.

"I guess so yeah" he says and he walks straight past me, storming down to the bedroom.

I follow him down there as quick as I can but he's already packing a bag, throwing things in.

"If you aren't going to stay here then neither am I." he says whilst pushing stuff into his bag.

"Jax" I say for what feels like the millionth time.

"No! You know, I now get that sitting at the head of that table is not easy. Clay did things out of necessity and now I find myself doing those things like lying and manipulating to everyone that I need to. But not you Cara. You make me come down, you let me know what's right without even telling me and it does piss me off that crap has been landing at your feet because of my club but ..." He blurts out but pauses, sadness in his eyes

But I have to do what's best for me I keep telling myself. I can't stay just because of what he's saying.

He puts on his hoodie and his cut then continues ranting.

"I have wanted that gavel my whole entire life and now I have it I realise I could change as a man for you, as a father and a leader, I get that and what hurts me the most is that you have to change too. I know I can't make you … I'm sorry that being with me makes you do this." He says, walks towards me and kisses me on the top of my head. "I love you. Tell the boys I'll call"

When he closes the door behind him and I hear his bike roar off I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

I get what he says but what comes after how he feels is his loyalty that he can't destroy. Yes, I'm changing. I'm becoming miserable and trapped within a vicious circle or secrets and lies.

I know Jax needs me and I do need him too but I think distance will help us. I just hope he will be ok.


	64. Chapter 64

CHAPTER 64

My mom came and helped me pack shortly after Jax left last night. She did most of it because I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't crying because I was sad to leave I was sad about Jax and this stage we are going through.

Every drawer I opened I would find something that would make me tear up where I would think of Jax when I seen a t – shirt or a piece of his jewellery I would think of the moment he wore it or I wore it. He never did get rid of much. Some stuff he still has from when he was a teenager, mainly his t-shirts.

The boys where still sleeping when we left and I know Abel will be confused when he wakes up this morning and I have to prepare myself for him asking where his dad is and when we will see him again.

Mary lived further away than I thought but I found the journey there peaceful and relaxing, driving past the charming sign did feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

So, I told myself this morning it will be a calming day. We won't do much, I will rest and my mom can help with the boys since I can't even lift Abel without stabbing pains.

"Did you sleep ok?" she asks and I shrug my shoulders and say

"I did but then I would move and the pain would linger"

"It will get better" she says and I nod and take a sip of my coffee she made for me. Some things as simple as that she never did before.

As I sat back on the couch to relax I heard Thomas cry as he began to wake up.

"I'll get him" my mom says

"No" I say stopping her "Let me. He's probably wondering why he's not in his own bed" I tell her and she nods, knowing not to do the opposite of what I say. She's learning I guess.

I walked through to the bedroom I slept in last night with the boys, not far down the hall from the living room and kitchen. Mary's place was small much like mine and Jax's. You could tell she enjoyed looking after the place, it was clean with a modern design. Not a Harley poster in sight which was nice I guess. There's no dirty underwear on the bathroom floor right next to the laundry basket and there's definitely no blood-stained items of clothing hanging on her kitchen chairs.

"Good morning my handsome little boy" I say to Thomas as I slowly lift him out his travel crib we brought into my arms.

"Mommy?" I hear from behind and when I turn around Abel is just waking up from the bed I slept in with him last night.

"Good morning baby, you sleep well?" I ask him as he rubs his eyes and looks at his surroundings.

"We not home mommy?" he asks, he's so sweet.

"No baby, we are in a special place for a change. Grandma Mary's home" I say and he just nods, probably not understanding who Grandma Mary really is.

"C'mon let's go get some breakfast huh?" I say to him and grab his hand to help him get off the bed and walk through to the kitchen with them both.

When we go through Mary is smiling at Abel as he waddles through.

"You can sit here Abel" she says to him and helps him up onto the chair as I sit down on the couch with Thomas to give him his morning feed.

I'm confident Abel will be fine, he is around a lot of unfamiliar people all his life where he has to just adapt and get on with it. My mom gave him some cereal and was making him laugh which puts me as ease. I'm just waiting for the moment he asks where daddy is because daddy is a big part of his morning, they normally talk and Abel will draw while Jax drinks his coffee and watches the news. They have a strong father and son relationship which worries me the influence of Jax and the club will be strong too.

Thomas clearly has no idea what's going on, he's too young.

I haven't had a morning like this in a very long time. Most mornings I would have coffee with Jax while the kids had breakfast and we would discuss what he got up to the night before and what he would be doing that day. Most of the time I would ask the questions and he would answer honestly but it would affect me for the rest of the day wondering what I would have to deal with when I came home.

"He sure does like to talk huh?" My mom says coming through to sit next to me.

"Yeah, he does. Him and Jax talk a lot, most of the time Jax will just listen since he doesn't talk much sense. Has Abel mentioned him yet?" I ask her but she shakes her head.

"It's only natural that he does Cara. You know, you and Harry your brother used to ask about your dad all the time when you were younger and he would be doing time inside or just out of town" she says and it wasn't weird for me to hear her referring to Opie as Harry, she always did when we were living together.

"Did you miss him?" I ask her referring to my dad and she looks down at her lap.

"I still do" she says

"I'm sorry I didn't call" I say to her feeling guilty now I've seen her since.

"It's okay, I didn't expect you too. Opie did but it was pretty brief and I, I needed time to process." she says, she knows me better than I thought.

"I just wouldn't of know what to say … he didn't have much of a funeral either, just something small and of course a party after" I tell her.

"I think he would of like that. He wasn't much for crowds. Most of the people at these funerals you don't even know and I remember at Donnas he said and I quote 'is this a bike rally or a funeral?'" she said and it made me laugh. I remember that day clearly, I was confused about where I should be whether that be with Jax or back in Chicago. I chose Jax that day, I decided what my future was going to be, now look where I am.

All eyes felt like they were on me at that funeral. Some wondered if I was the same teenager that left but most already knew. Those that did approach me I didn't know, I just pretended like I knew them.

"Tough day that was" I hear Mary say and I nod, trying to focus on Thomas as I still feed him his bottle.

"I know this is weird but thank you for .. letting me and the boys stay here" I say to her

"The weirdness will pass. I'm just grateful that you are here, and we have a lot to talk about, catch up on." She says

"One thing at a time?" I ask her but really, I'm telling her. I don't feel comfortable jumping into a mother daughter best friend relationship just because she is happy to have me away from Charming.

"Of course" she agrees.

Who knows how long I will be here and who knows if I will actually enjoy it. So far things are ok.

 **I Want to know if you are enjoying Cara and Mary spending time together? Do you enjoy their conversations? I feel like they have so much to talk about I don't even know where to start and where to put it all!**


	65. Chapter 65

CHAPTER 65

Jax started calling tonight but I ignored the calls. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet, even if it was to just hand the phone over to Abel. Jax has a lot to distract himself with unlike me, I'm living my what would have been my childhood nightmare spending this much time with my mother in a confined space.

However, it really isn't so bad. We had gone to the local park with the boys and I even met some of my mom's neighbours who seemed very surprised to see me and they look pleased for Mary that I was here.

"Do you talk about me with your friends?" I ask her as she was pouring us a glass of wine as it was now the evening. I wish I got to drink wine more often. This is the first time I will have had a drink since my accident and I was actually looking forward to it, I need to relax.

"Well, all of them have kids of their own so of course they ask and I tell them." She says

"Do they know about the club?" I ask her as she sits down opposite me at the kitchen table.

"Have you seen this area?" she asks already answering my question with a question. She's right, her neighbourhood is so quiet, clean and full of happily married old couples.

"Dad would have hated it here" I said. I can almost hear him now commenting on the polite neighbours who he would of thought where too intrusive and snooty, with their perfectly cut grass and well-educated children.

"Yeah, he sure would have had a lot to say" she agreed, I knew it was hard for her to talk about it.

"You know I always thought your father would die from the cancer or something due to all that bad stuff he put in his body. After all the danger he put himself in and surrounded himself with something in me just thought he would never get hurt by it."

"But he did. The danger found him, crept up on him and just …. took him." I said, sadness and bad memories flooding over me.

"If I could get my hands on Clay I –

"Mom" I say stopping her as she becomes angry and I grab onto her hand. She needs my support just like I needed support from Jax when it first happened.

"It's not worth it … I've tried everything but attempting to kill him myself, I want him to disappear, trust me. I do."

"How does Gemma love a man like him?" she asks but I forget she doesn't know much like them not being together.

"They aren't together, they haven't been for a while since –" I say stopping myself from bringing up the letters. I don't want to explain them to her. "Since she seen the real cruel man he is" is what I came up with and she seemed to go with it.

"Good for her" she says genuinely seeming happy for Gemma.

"It's what me and Jax fight about the most; Clay. I hate how Clay has been walking around the place. I mean he looks unhappy, awful and he doesn't get much say but it's frustrating. I avoid going to the club house just because I can't face him. I didn't know what I would do If I was to bump into him coming out of the bathroom or just driving into the lot." I tell her and take a large sip of wine. It's a good wine.

"Your father never did like him the moment they patched him into the club. I remember him saying 'who does this guy think he is walking into my club dictating what I do'" she said making me snigger slightly, I can almost hear him now.

"What he said never changed about him." I said and she nods back.

"He never liked me because I never like the life. I wasn't like Gemma, I didn't fit in. But you do, from the moment you started understanding the club you blended right in, everyone loved being around you. You were more like Gemma's daughter at times than mine." She says and I shake my head. I am nothing like Gemma.

"No, I will never be like Gemma" I say, stopping her there.

"I suppose she has been there for you when I wasn't" she says … I think feeling guilty.

"At times, I guess she has but I think I cope fine on my own" I say and take another large sip of my wine, I'm enjoying it too much.

"Sometimes we all need somebody, we can't always cope on our own" She says, I nod agreeing. What she says makes me think about when I had my miscarriage, she doesn't even know about it.

"I erm, … had a miscarriage not too long ago."

"Cara –" 

"No, it's okay." I say stopping her, I don't want her sympathy "I'm okay with it but at the time I was so pissed off. I didn't want to be pregnant, the last thing me and Jax needed was another child and I was so angry that something like that could just be taken from me and I blamed myself a little while."

"I'm sorry that happened to you" she says, seeming genuine.

"I didn't know I was pregnant, I just knew something was wrong."

"Awful thing to happen" she says, she's right. It was awful.

"To be completely honest, things have kind of been that way since Thomas was born. The day Jax was released was a happy day for me but a realisation that this was who I was with and who I was going to have to bring up a child with after him being away for so long."

"You could off have asked for help Cara" she says but it's not that easy, especially since when we weren't even talking to each other.

"You think I could just pick up the phone and hire you as a baby sitter?"

"Well, it's kind of what Opie did." She says and she's right, he would bitch about her but expect her to come running to help him do school runs and help them emotionally.

"Because Opie doesn't know how to look after those kids. He had been gone for five years of their lives" I say, twirling my wine glass on my hand.

"So, whilst Jax was inside you weren't happy?" she asks

"Of course, I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I had a baby and yet I didn't even feel like I could be a mother to him. I was told that I wasn't alone but I felt like it every single day. Jax came home and some of that loneliness never went away." I say, feeling like our conversation was turning more into a therapy session.

"Do you still have that tattoo on your back?" she asks out of the blue and I look up from my glass so I'm looking straight at her.

I grab the wine bottle to pour myself more, she sure does ask tough questions.

"Yeah, I do. Do you?" I admit then ask her

"Yeah … what did you tell people in med school if they ever saw it." She asks and I think back to the crazy things I used to make up.

"Well, sometimes I would say I was drunk and it was a dare to get it. Sometimes I would just say I liked crows"

My mom laughed then it made me start laughing too until I remembered my ribs.

"Ow" I said whilst laughing.

"Such a tacky tattoo, I think for the future old ladies of the samcro world they should give it an update." She says which results in me bursting out laughing again.

"That felt good" I said, referring to me laughing not the stabbing pain my ribs are giving me.

"What to laugh?" she asks me

"Yeah" I say trying to remember the last time I actually laughed like that. It was probably Jax, he made me laugh a lot.

I don't know if I really miss him or if the wine is making me feel this way.


	66. Chapter 66

CHAPTER 66

It's been two weeks since I left Jax and was spending time at Mary's. In that time, I've had a lot of more time to myself than I've ever had since I had Thomas. Jax has spoken to Abel on the phone a couple of times, Thomas just listens. Gemma for some reason has been trying to call me this morning as has Opie but I don't think they get the understanding of a break. I don't need to know what's happening in charming, nor do I want to.

I still wear my ring Jax gave me for our engagement. I won't take it off because of how much it means to me. It has huge meaning for me and Jax, it's a promise of our future which even though looks pretty far away and not so perfect right now I know it will be one day, away from Charming if what Jax is promising me is true.

Jax texts me in the evening most nights to say goodnight even though I don't reply. Besides, I always see it in the morning because it's always when I'm already asleep and he's going to bed. He tends to be most busy in the evenings.

This morning I was at the grocery store with the boys while my mom was having lunch with a friend. It felt nice to walk around a store when no one knew who I was. In charming, everyone knew my name and who I was.

"Mommy, can I get this candy?" Abel asks me as he tries to grab what he's asking for.

"Yeah of course, but you can have it later. Okay?" I say to him and his face grows a huge smile. It's the simple things.

"Daddy loves this candy too" I hear Abel mutter to himself. So, sweet that he mentions him now and then despite being away from him with no idea why.

My phone starts buzzing in my pocket for the millionth time making me sigh, I pull it out and notice it's Margaret's id. She probably just wants to catch up, maybe she will have some gossip from the hospital or an update on if I am aloud to return. I answer her call

"Hey Margaret, sorry I haven't called-

She interrupts me by saying "Cara. You need to come home, Jax is in the hospital. He's been shot." She says quicker than my brain can process.

As it's processing I realise it's like all my fears at once happening, coming true.

Jax is hurt, but he never gets hurt.

I hang up the phone without saying anything, I abandon my cart in the middle of the store, lift Thomas out of it and grab Abel's hand to run back to the car.

"Mommy, my candy!" Abel is yelling at me when he realises we are leaving.

"I know baby, I'm so-rry. Just wait by the car door while I strap Thomas in okay?" I say to him trying to remain as calm as possible and be quick. I shut the car after strapping Thomas in and close the door then lift Abel into his chair to do the same.

"Where are we going?" he asks me, he is so curious these days.

"I don't know, but don't worry I'll make sure you get double the candy next time." I say and he seems pleased by the idea. Maybe it will stop him asking questions for now.

I turn on the car and engine and start driving back to my moms, hoping she is back from her lunch by now.

I can't believe this is happening, this is why Gemma has been trying to call me, Opie too. So, frustrating, even when I'm away and I can't seem to get away from the danger that Charming and samcro brings.

When I finally turn into my mom's drive I see her car there and feel relieved.

"Okay, c'mon let's go see Grandma, I bet she has candy" I say to Abel as I open the car door for him to jump out, then I run around to get Abel.

When I get inside her house she is sat with her friend drinking coffee. She can tell something has happened by the look on my face, she looks surprised to see me like this.

"Jax" I say out of breath as I hand Thomas to her.

"What? Whats going on?" she asks taking Thomas from me looking worried.

"He's been shot, he's in St Tho-mas. I ne-ed to go" I say to her as her eyes widen with shock, much like mine did in the grocery store.

"Go!" she yells at me being understanding and not asking any questions, thank god. "Go! Go!" she yells once more

"Thank you! I'll call!" I say back, give a quick wave to the boys feeling slightly guilty for leaving them and I walk back to my car ready for the drive back to Charming.

As I begin driving, I can help but wonder how bad it is and I won't even know until I get there.

I need to speak to someone at least.

I go through my contacts and search for Gemma's name to let her know I'm on my way. I put it on speaker and wait for her to pick up.

When she does she doesn't answer with a simple hello.

"Finally!" she says

"I know I'm sorry. Margaret called, told me what happened. I'm on my way to St Thomas now, should be just under and hour"

"Have you got the boys with you?" she asks

"No, I left them with Mary"

"Good" she says. It's the best thing to do, I can't bring them into this.

"How bad is it Gemma? Is h-e okay?" I ask her wanting to know but not wanting all at the same time.

"Er, He's been shot a couple of times and right now he's in surgery but I don't understand what the doctors have been saying, they speak stupid to me" I say and roll my eyes, of course she won't understand them. I need to speak to them myself.

"What happened?" I ask her whilst trying to focus on the road behind me, it seems I'm not even close to Charming. Why did Mary have to live so god damn far away.

"Cara, I think you should focus on driving and just wait till you get here." She says

"I'll be here when you get here okay?" she tells me and I nod but I forget I'm on the phone and she can't see me.

"Yes, yes okay. I'll see you soon" I say and hang up.

If only I had a plane right now.


	67. Chapter 67

CHAPTER 67

Finally, after an hour of driving I arrive at St Thomas. I park in the staff car park because I still have a pass and the access to get inside is easier and quicker.

Margaret said she would meet me in the one of the staff rooms to brief me before I seen him. I have to admit I'm extremely anxious about seeing him whether that be him awake or not.

"Hey" I say to her when I see her. I'm out of breath but we start walking out the room immediately and towards the elevator.

"Cara, how are you doing, you okay?" she asks referring to my injuries but I shake my head.

"Where's Jax?" I ask her getting straight to the point.

"Sixth floor" she says and presses the button to go up and she tells me "I want you to know that he's out of surgery. He's in pretty bad shape"

"Who operated?" I asked straight away, I must know what doctor it was.

"Dr Namid" she said and I felt relieved. He was a good surgeon, he operated on Abel, taught me more things that I needed to know and has been very supportive of my personal life and respectful.

"Gemma is here and so is everyone else" she says as we start getting higher and higher.

"Clay?" I ask her, hoping she says no.

"No" she says, thank god.

The elevator doors open and Margaret walks out first while I follow. When we start approaching the rooms I can see a herd of men in cuts and Gemma all sat down.

"What happened?" I ask Gemma when I start walking towards her.

"Why don't you sit down doll?" Chib's asks me from behind her but I shake my head. Jesus what are they avoiding.

"No! I don't want to sit down I just want to know what happened?!" I yell, all of them surprised by my response.

Opie comes out from behind Chibs and takes a step towards me, putting his hand on my shoulder and say's "It was Damon Pope, set Jax up … planned to kill him, planned to kill all of us"

"Jesus Christ" I blurt out. Jax is smart, how could something like this happen? I'm angry.

"Well, how is it Jax is the one who ends up here? Huh? How is he the only one who gets shot?!" I ask all of them looking speechless and somewhat terrified by my interrogation.

"Jax, he likes to do stuff on his own sometimes, in his own way" Chib's says and I screw my eyes up at him. So, they left him?

"Aren't you supposed to protect him? You are his VP!" I yell at Chibs, he doesn't really have much to say back.

"Cara, calm down" Opie tells me

"Calm down?!" I yell, he should tell me to be calm.

"Dr Winston?" I hear from behind me and when I turn around Dr Namid is standing there with what looks like Jax's chart.

I walk towards him straightening myself up, leaving them behind.

"Hello Cara, why don't you follow me?" he suggests and I nod. "Sorry we are meeting again under these circumstances."

"Yeah, me too"

He opens his office door for me to go in, I sit down at his desk waiting to hear hopefully some good news. When he puts down the chart I pick it up and start reading it straight away. It's easier if I just read it myself rather than him explaining, I think he can agree.

"Jesus" I mutter under my breath as I begin reading Jax's chart from the beginning.

He came in at 1:03am in critical condition, three bullet wounds and in and out of conscious.

I have to see him.

"Is he still not awake?" I ask Dr Namid as he sits down opposite me.

"No, he's sedated. Unfortunately when we went to take out one of the bullets it caused a much larger bleed than we thought. The rest where in his stomach, we got out no problem."

"Artery?" I ask, a bleed mostly means artery and with a bullet wound it makes sense.

"The descending artery" he says and it's not what I wanted to hear. The chest is not where you want to be shot.

"You fixed it right? I mean it's difficult but you did?" I ask and he nods.

"I did." He says and I let out a sigh of relief.

"And his vitals at the moment, what are they like?" I ask sounded crazy with all my questions.

"Well, it's post-surgery so as you know they are okay but they can increase or decrease. His heart rate has dropped which is to be expected."

"It's what? Like mid 60 or 70?" I ask, maybe asking too much.

"66 … and his temperature is still high, at about 37.2"

"So, we have to watch out for hypotensive." I say to him

"Cara, do you trust me?" he asks and I nod

"Of course, I do" I tell him.

"Then you need to be the family, not the doctor on this case. I'm confident that Jax will be okay" he says, I knew he would eventually end up tell me that, I just can't help myself.

"I'm sorry, it's just I will feel better if I can know what's going on medically."

"I know, but it's under control. You should go be with him" he suggests and I know that's what I came here to do but I needed to know more information to distract me from what caused this.

I stand up and so does he. I suppose I need to go see Jax, even though it might break my heart.

"Come with me, I'll show you too his room" he says and hold up my hand to stop him.

"It's okay, I know where he is. I don't need an escort but thanks." I say and open his door to leave, he follows behind me.

"Well, I will keep you updated" he says and I smile at him then he goes in the opposite direction to me and I began walking towards where I left Gemma and the guys.

When I get to them I don't give them as much as smile, I give them more a glare showing them how pissed off I am that this happened to Jax. I walk past them, I put my hand on Jax's door and begin turning it slowly.

First thing I see is him lying propped up wearing a hospital gown which I have never seen him in before. He looks pale and white, like the life has been sucked out of him, much like I did after my accident.

I walk towards him, not sure if he is sleeping or still out from sedation.

He has on an oxygen mask and his eyes are closed. I grab a hold of his large hand and sit down, then when he feels me he starts to stir. He notices I am here and he's waking up for the first time.

"Jax?" I say, wondering if he can hear me.

"Cara?" I hear him ask back shortly after and I feel so much better to know he is okay. He grabs his mask but I get up to help him pull it off.

"You might need to put this back on" I say when I pull it down his face.

He opens his eyes, I realise in this moment how much I have missed them over the last two weeks.

"I'm sorry" he says silently and he tries to move but soon realises it's not going to be that easy after three bullets being removed from his chest and stomach.

"Babe, don't move" I tell him as he leans back in the pillows and position he was in before …

"You don't have to be sorry Jax" I say.

"God, I'm so glad you are okay. I talked to Dr Namid, he got out all the bullets Jax. I mean, it will take time to recover but you should heal without any problems, he has a close eye on you and I'm making sure he tells me everything. I've read your char-

"Cara" he says stopping me. I was rambling. I had just gone from being extremely worried to feeling extremely relieved, I'm all over the place.

"You don't have to pretend like everything is okay babe. I can tell you are pissed off. That's what woke me up, you where yelling at the guys"

"I'm not, things aren't okay. You are here in an un ideal situation. Do you know what happened?" I ask him

"I got shot." I all he says, I roll my eyes

"You got shot three times Jax"

"How are the boys?" he asks obviously avoiding what happened to him and who did it.

"They are with my mom back at hers. I left in such a hurry, as soon as I got the call. I had been ignoring Gemma's calls all morning … I'm so sorry" I say feeling so guilty, I pull his hand up my lips and kiss it, it feels rough like it always does but I have missed his touch.

"Are you okay? You been okay?" he asks

"Yes. Don't worry about me" I tell him

"I can't help it" he says and it makes me smile, he's not lying.

"You can go back to your moms and be with the boys, I will be fine here" he says and I look at him furrowing my brows, confused at why he would suggest that.

"I'm not leaving you Jax" I say and I hear him sigh and he closes his eyes, his head facing the ceiling. How could he think that, I'm not that bad?

I lean closer and pull myself up so I'm looking down on him. I put my hand on his rough pale face and tell him.

"I almost lost you Jax, do you know how horrible that feels?" I say

"Yeah I do" he says, me forgetting about my recent trip to this hospital.

"Okay … Jax I'm not gonna yell at you because that's all I feel like we've been doing … but, you are ninety percent outlaw and only ten percent mine." I tell him trying to sound sweet and not like I'm insulting him, but it kind of sounds insulting. But it's true. I feel my eyes start to burn with tears and my nose go all fuzzy. "I want to hold on to that 10 percent Jax … for as long as I c-an" I say through my tears gripping onto his hand as he squeezes back

"I love you" he says trying to crack at smile out of me. He smiles back, oh his smile. He has such a sweet smile that comes with dimples and charm.

"I'm here baby, I'm here" I say as a tear runs down the side of my face I move in closer to his face, kiss him on the cheek and lean my forehead against his.

In two weeks, I lived a completely different life than what I was used to. I made time for myself and in that time, I did a lot of thinking. I thought mainly about my future with Jax and what would happen for our boys. I also thought nostalgically a lot about the time I spent away in Chicago and how miserable I felt at times being away from home and Jax, it had its perks; I became a doctor and got to do new things but I never stopped loving him. I hid parts of myself.

I bonded with my mom, something I never thought of ever happening. I grew more patient listening to her talk rather than just shutting her down and calling her out on all the bad things she did in the past like I used to.

I think everything happens for a reason. I think that this attack on Jax happened for me to wake up and realise that where he is, is where I should be.

I might be scared and worried for my boys and I might still not feel fully avenged for my father's murder but I can survive being hurt and I can protect my boys here in Charming. I can stand my ground and I cannot let anyone hurt me or my family.

Time away has helped like I hoped it would.

I need to be with Jax, he is my family. He is a part of me.


	68. Chapter 68

CHAPTER 68

I spent all night in the hospital. Opie stayed with me because he refused to leave and he thinks I need protection from the crew that did this to Jax.

"Brought you some coffee" Opie passes me a hot steaming cup from the machine. I thank him and take a sip. When I taste it, I am reminded of why I have my own coffee that's different in my office.

"Not your usual fancy stuff huh?" Opie jokes referring to my facial expression.

I fold my arms to try warm me up and lean back on the hard chair in the waiting room, tiredness makes me feel cold and hospitals aren't exactly the cosiest of places.

"You can go home now Opie, be with your family."

"No, absolutely not. I am not leaving you … and you are my family … so you aren't getting out of this one." He says, sounding very protective.

I put down my coffee on the table in front which is scattered in old magazines, the same ones they always have. They seem to never change them. I rest my chin on my hand and let out a deep sigh. I stare into space while the events of the past twelve horrors come back to haunt me. The fear of losing Jax was something I had never experienced before. It wasn't the feeling I got when I found out my dad was murdered because by that point he had already been gone and there was nothing than could be done to bring him back. But this time I felt like Jax was fading away and that's a way more intense heart-breaking feeling than someone just being gone. It was the fear of the un-known and the race against time to get to that person.

If I could have been here when he was first brought in I would have scrubbed in myself even though I don't have the privileges to. Then I would call up every good surgeon I knew in Chicago and all the ones that taught me too.

"Cara?" I hear Opie say my name as I still stare into space and keep thinking.

He puts his arm around me and it snaps me out of my trance. I rub my eyes and look at him.

"Sorry … I'm just tired."

"Why don't you go back to the clubhouse and sleep where you will be safe. I'll get some of the guys to stay here with Jax." He suggests but I shake my head, I'm not leaving.

"No, I'm not leaving him … if something changes the doctors need to speak to me."

"He's through the worst of it Cara." He tells me and I shake my head again and I turn to face him. The worst is yet to come.

"No Opie, he's not! He has to recover from deep wounds and surgery and he might even have problems with his heart because of where the bullet hit and then that's another thing we are going to have to worry about and I got a page this long of all my worries" I say holding up my arms referencing my length of worries. It was arm's length, or maybe a leg.

"Think of how many times Bobby has been shot or Tig for that matter? Remember Chibs being blown up? they are okay" he says. Is this his way of trying to comfort me?

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me." I say giving him a look of stupidity.

"Well, … I'm just saying, things do calm down."

"And what will that take?!" I yell quietly.

"I know your angry, you pretty much expressed that yesterday but you should leave that anger to us."

"Easier said than done. Jax always avoids these situations … don't you know he lives in a glass box and there's a sign outside that says, 'break if you want to try and kill me' … that glass was broken yesterday."

"Damon pope is a powerful dude, powerful fucking gangster in Oakland. He's a big dick but when it comes to getting what he wants, he's smart … I mean, Jax is smart too but pope is like a different kind of smart … he's got so many men that are scared of him that he over pays to do his dirty work. He will make you owe him without you even realising that you do" Opie explains. I hope he gets what's coming to him, what he deserves.

"I didn't even know how deep you guys where involved with him" I say

"We weren't. I don't know what Jax has told you"

"Nothing, we haven't spoken in two weeks … and before that I think he got the feeling I didn't want to know. I mean, I didn't really. Plus, yesterday I was more concerned for his well-being"

"Well, we were just meeting him. We normally meet in a deserted area where no one is around. We bring a crowd and he brings one too. He normally waits in his car while Jax goes in and they discuss shit then he comes out again."

"Why does he have such beef with samcro? Did you piss him off?" I ask hoping for an honest answer and explanation.

"Long story short, Tig ran over his daughter by mistake and she died" Opie says and I gasp, that's awful, how could Tig be so stupid.

"This happened all in these two weeks I was gone?" I ask and he nods. Jesus Christ.

"Pope saw Jax responsible for what Tig did" Opie says, striking a fury inside me.

"Wait, why would Tig run her over in the first place?" I ask trying to put the pieces together.

"Tig wanted to kill Laroy the one- niner leader who was dating Damon Popes daughter, she was just there when Tig hit them with his car … we had to make it look real to the feds that the one niners had something to do with the attack on Clay so that's why he ran into them in the first place. It was planned; however, we didn't know that's who Laroy was shacking up with"

"The attack you actually did on Clay? … So this is what it comes back too, Clay and the whole thing with dad and –"I stop myself from ranting even more.

I look at the ground and say, "He's literally on a rampage to try and run down the whole of samcro"

I stand up and face Opie and say to him "And you wonder why I left?!" then I walk off, back to Jax's room where he is sleeping, mainly due to all of the morphine he is on for pain but as long as he isn't in any discomfort it makes me feel better.

He looks so peaceful yet he lives a life of chaos.

My heart breaks for him that he has had to suffer this as a course of someone else's actions.

I take off my boots and my Jacket and put them on the chair. I gently pull myself up onto the bed so I can lay down next to him. I am careful not to touch his wounds so I just rest my head on his shoulder just below his chin and I close my eyes. I listen to his heart beating slowly, sometimes skipping a beat but listening to it comforts me. It's the heart that mine beats for.

I can feel myself slowly drifting off as the fury leaves my body, I relax and I mould into Jax, until eventually I'm in a deep sleep. I'm sleeping. I'm gone.


	69. Chapter 69

CHAPTER 69

I woke up, not knowing how long I've been out. When I open my eyes Jax is awake and stroking my hair. Something I feel like we haven't done in a long time, I missed it. It almost makes me want to fall asleep again.

"This is nice" I say when I feel his touch and the warmth of his body against mine.

"What you drooling on my chest?" he jokes and I lean up so I can face him.

"I would slap you right now but I can't … how are you feeling?" I ask

"Like I wanna get out of this place." He says knowing that's not going to happen.

"You can't go back to playing a superhero just yet." I say and I yawn

"How long have you been here?" he asks noticing how tired I am and I tell him I haven't left.

"Babe, nothing is going to happen to me. You can leave for an hour, go home and shower and I will still be here." He says.

"Are you trying to say I smell?" I say smiling at him, he smirks back and my heart flutters. I bring my hand up to his face and play with his short beard. Something I've always done and love doing.

"I'm sorry for the awful things I said Jax, I sorry for shouting when I was in hospital, for being a judging bitch." I'm shaking my head

"Nothing you said wasn't true" he says but it still doesn't make me feel better.

"I just lose it sometimes" … "I know what's happened Jax and although I'm shit scared and the thought of having Abel and Thomas home scares me to death but what kind of partner, wife or whatever you want to call it would I be if I just gave up?"

"You're a survivor." He says making me smile, reminding me of when he told me that in the hospital when I was working and he would sneak in to see me. "You've said that before." I remind him.

"Because it's true." He says with the most innocent look on his face. I can't resist him. I lean in and kiss him for the first time in two weeks. He kisses me back and I feel it all throughout my body. It's like when we kissed for the first time as kids.

I try to pull away but he still hangs on and continues kissing me, I smile, start laughing a little at how playful he is. I missed the feeling of his rough beard on my face and his hands around my face and through my hair.

"I'll go okay?" I tell him, his face still close to mine. I think having a shower and some food might make me feel more human.

"Go to the clubhouse and take Opie with you." He says and I nod.

"Relax" I say stroking his face. "I'll be right back and I'll speak to Dr Namid get a full work up on what's going on"

"And you're telling me to relax?" he says having a point.

I get up off the bed and leave him lying there and I put on my boots and my jacket that I had took off hours ago to sleep.

Jax is watching me, smirking from his bed.

"What?" I ask him and he tells me he loves me, something I've missed hearing. I've missed saying it too. How is it we are happiest now when he's recovering from a near death experience and Damon Pope is on the loose?

…. …. ….. ….. ….. …. ….. …. … ….. …. ….. ….

Opie drove me over to the clubhouse on his bike. I can't remember the last time I had been on the back of my brother's bike. I was always on Jax's bike, no one else's.

I hand Opie's helmet back to him as I hop of the bike. "Thanks" I say

"Warning you now, you might get a lot of sympathetic comments when you walk through that door… I know you don't like the attention" he warns me.

"Well … do you mind escorting me in?" I jokingly ask and he puts his big arm around me, then we begin walking towards the clubhouse door.

Gemma comes out the office, gives me a squeeze on my shoulder and follows us behind.

First person I see when I walk in is Tig, he smiles at me but I don't smile back I just look to the floor. I can't face him yet. Thankfully he stood back and got the message.

Bobby comes up to me and enveloped me in a warm hug. "You good?" he asks me, plain and simple. I give him a nod back and reassuring smile.

Next Chibs walks towards me holds up his hands and say's "Please don't shout at me again, I'm a little sensitive". It makes me laugh and I say I'm sorry for reacting the way I did and he says I reacted calmer than his wife would of. That made me laugh again.

Juice say's "Good to see you back Cara" with a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek and I thank him

Clay is sat in the corner of the bar. He's heaped over the side staring at his glass. He looks unhappy and that makes me feel good. If he's unhappy I can feel happy. If he's in pain I can feel relaxed.

I walk past him on my own this time and he turns his head slightly, he mumbles. "I'm sorry"

I stop look at him and with all my inner strength holding me back from ripping his heart out I say "No, you are not" and I walk on.

I walk past John's bike and smile, then through to the room where me and Jax have made some happy memories. I dump my bag on the floor, lock the door and start stripping off my shirt then un-doing my belt and pulling down my jeans and i kick of my boots.

I walk towards the small dark bathroom and turn on the shower. When I jump in the feeling the water gives me instantly makes me feel refreshed and cleansed. I clean my face, shave a little and wash my hair, then I let the powerful water just bounce of my face.

When I get out I put on one of Jax's t-shirts he left here. Even though it's not clean I feel most comfortable in it, it's jax.

I walk out of the bathroom rubbing my wet hair with a towel. When I look up I get the fright of my life, not expecting to see Tig there standing waiting for me.

"Tig!" I yell putting my hand on my chest, feeling a little weird and uncomfortable.

"Sorry! Shit sorry, I just … I'll go" he says and starts walking towards the door but I stop him, thinking we might as well.

"No, it's okay. Let's talk" I say and he looks surprised but walks towards me.

I sit down at the desk chair trying to cover up my legs as much as possible in this large shirt and he sits opposite me on the bed. He begins talking straight away.

"Look … Cara, I want you to know that what happened with Jax is … my fault"

"I know." I say, I know he's going to apologise and come up with some explanation or excuse.

"You know? Jax say somethin?" he asks confused. I'm not gonna rat and say Opie told me.

"No, it doesn't matter how I know but I know that Jax just took three bullets that should have been for you." I say sounding a little bitchy.

"I wish I did" he says, and I don't know if he means it or he is just saying it to prove he is loyal to Jax. No one is that loyal surely.

"I didn't know what was gonna do down Cara" he admits.

"Laroy? You know nothing about who his girlfriend was?" I ask but he shakes his head.

"Of course, not" he says continuing to shake his head, looking at me right in the eyes.

"Why do you say that you wish you took those bullets? Why lie?"

"I'm not lying." He says and looks down at the floor, I don't see Tig this upset often. He begins to explain something.

"Couple of nights ago, night before Jax was shot. I got a call" he pauses like what he's about to tell me is hard for him to talk about. "Dawn, … my girl dawn had been arrested in Oakland and I went to go get her in a, in an empty railyard or somethin … Shit got weird when Dawn wasn't there. Turns out Pope knew an officer … he must have been on his pay roll or somethin I dunno. Pope turned up out of the blue. He, uh he turned a gun on me and he took mine away from me. He tied me up to a pipe, trapped me completely." He began explaining, pain and hurt on his face.

"He stated talking shit about his daughter Veronica, how I will get what I deserve or whatever… He erm, dragged me over to this ditch where these people where lyin and Laroy was one of em … then I see Dawn in the ditch" he continued. Oh my, dawn. What happened?

"She was unconscious. I had no fuckin clue what he had done to her but she was all tied up and shit and I couldn't do fucking anything. I was just looking at her thinking how the fuck did I get here … So, Pope's men came up behind me and he starting pouring shit on top of them … I knew it was gasoline from the smell." Tig said and I covered my mouth, finding it hard to hear what he's saying and not prepared for what he was about to say next.

"She woke up … she was terrified. I was screaming Cara… like a worthless piece of shit I was screamin. I couldn't do anything, … I was tied up I couldn't do ... anything. She was screamin, running around screamin and I was begging Pope to not do what he was about to do. I started apologising and screamin for Veronica his daughter saying I didn't know that was his daughter but he wouldn't believe me. I wanted him to kill me instead, … I begged him, I deserved it. Not dawn."

"Tig" I say out of comfort for him. He was crying like a lost old man.

"Next thing I know he … he fuckin, he fuckin flicked his lighter like he was lighting a cigar and threw it in the ditch."

I moved next to him on the bed to comfort him. I can't believe what I'm hearing. How can someone do this?

"I was fuckin helpless … I watched her burn alive right in front of me." He says, tears running down his face onto his cut, everywhere.

"I'm so sorry Tig" I tell him, not knowing what else to say. I put my arm around him, rubbing his back, trying my best to console him.

"So" he says and wipes his eyes "I, erm. I'm sorry Jax got shot. I guess now you must understand why I wanted it to be me"

"No, no Tig. … I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. … The last time I seen Dawn, I gave her my number and told me to call me if she needed help. She didn't call. I wish she did." I say thinking about her, Tig looks broken. He looks broken into a million pieces over something that happened all because of his stupid mistake.

"I respect you Cara. I respect your father and I respect your brother and Jax. I want you to hear me now and hear me clear that when I say I am sorry … I mean it."

"I know, I know. It's okay." I tell him honestly, trying to comfort him. He's so torn I don't know what will help him.

"I'm so sorry" Tig tells me though his tears, I know he really means. He's distraught. He's breaking down right in front of me. He leans his head down on my shoulder and I let him, I let him just cry while I try my best to comfort him and come to terms with what I have just been told.

Opie opens the door and I turn my head to look at him to let him know I'm okay. Opie just looks down at the ground, Tig is still crying.

Never did I think that this conversation would turn into the way it has. I can't believe Jax is in the hospital shot. I can't believe Dawn is dead. I can't believe Tig is breaking down in front of me begging for forgiveness and grieving over his murdered daughter.

I can't believe my life is this much of a mess.

 **I thought it would be interesting to hear Tig explain what happened to his daughter from his perspective and see how much he cares and what Cara thinks. Hope you enjoyed reading this one!**


	70. Chapter 70

CHAPTER 70

After Tig calmed down, Opie brought me back to the hospital.

I can't get it out of my head – what happened to dawn. She was here and I was speaking to her, now she is gone. She was murdered brutally by a man who lives for nothing but being cruel. We have so many enemies it scares the shit out of me. When will I be able to walk down the street alone again or take my kids to the park?

Jax is doing better thankfully. He's healing but it will be a slowly.

"You wanna get up and walk a bit babe?" I ask Jax. He's been lying in this bed for too long.

"I'm not walking around the hallways of this hospital looking like this" he says referring to the gown he's wearing which is he naked underneath.

"No, we can just walk about the room" I tell him. I wouldn't make him walk about around people. "C'mon I'll help you"

I lower the bed for him so it's easier to get off from and I grab a hold of his hands. I tell him to just try sit up first and wiggle his legs about. I tell him to lower his feet onto the floor slowly and only let go of me if he feels safe to do so.

"I look ridiculous" he complains.

"I don't care … You wanna stand?" I ask him and he nods finally standing up. He looks down at me, he's always been a lot taller than me. I love how tall he is. He smiles down at me.

"Hey" I say not really knowing what else to say, I love him. He says hey back and we sound like two stupid nervous loved up teenagers.

I grab a hold of his hand I bring it up to my face and kiss it.

"Let's walk to the window." I suggest and he nods. I let him walk ahead of me, he still walks the same, I love his walk and the way his big broad shoulders move. I notice his bare ass hanging out of the gown and I giggle.

"Nice butt" I tease him.

He made it to the window and I come up behind him I rest my hand on his back, gently stroking it and leaning my head on his upper arm.

"Harder than you thought?" I ask him as we stare out the window.

"Nah, piece of cake" he says, he's lying – he's in a lot of pain, I know I would be.

A couple of seconds pass by and I push myself up onto the window ledge to face him and I say. "I spoke to Tig"

Jax's facial expression changes and he leans against the window ledge next to me best he can.

"We are brothers. We take bullets for each other all the time, it's just what you do. This one was just un planned that's all"

"No, I don't blame him" I say and Jax seem's surprised. He probably expects me to go on a full rampage and attack Tig. "I think at first I did … but, he told me about what happened to Dawn. He is broken over it"

He turns to look at me and he says with a stern look on his face "I'm gonna kill pope babe … I don't care what it takes."

"I know you will" I say and I reach out to grab his hand and I stand in front of him wedging myself between his legs. I put my hands on his shoulders, massaging them slightly.

"I know I have expressed my feelings a lot lately about how I feel when it comes to the decisions you make … the violence being out of proportion, my dad, my stupidity of crashing my car and losing my shit, taking our boys away … I'm sorry" I tell him, meaning every word.

"You don't have to apologise … You shouldn't be sorry for taking the boys, them being away from here is the best thing for them right now"

"What do wo do? … where do we go from here?" I ask. I have so many questions.

"I don't let you or our boys leave my sight." He says with the same stern look. I nod to him, I stand by what he says.

"I still need to call my mom and check in, I'll tell her to bring the boys down tomorrow"

….. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. ….. …. ….. …. ….

I don't go home, I get Opie to go back and pack me a bag since I'm going to be staying at the club house for a while.

When I get to the teller morrow its dark out and I don't know why but I head up onto the roof where I can be myself and I can call Mary. She's been trying to get in touch. When I select her name to call it doesn't take her long to pick up.

"Cara, what's happening? Jax okay?"

"Yeah, sorry I haven't called, I've spent most of my time at the hospital." I tell her

"Is it bad?"

"Yes, but he's going to be okay. He was shot three times and he has had surgery."

"Jesus Christ Cara, what the hell is going on over there?"

"Long story" I tell her not wanting to go into it.

"Do you need me?" she asks, sounding sincere and concerned for me

"Yeah … I need you to bring the boys up tomorrow if you can. We will be staying at the club house for now"

"Are you sure?" she asks and I tell her yes. I need my boys with me.

"Are you doing okay?" she asks and I belt out a cry, whenever someone asks me that it makes me feel worse. Like if she were to be here and hold me I would break down. I tell her I'm not okay and that I'm worried sick.

"Is Opie with you? He better be watching you" she asks and I smile, I tell her he is.

"He's not left my side mom" I say sniffling and wiping away my tears.

"Good, that's really good" she says.

"I'll call you when we leave tomorrow morning" she says and I thank her then I thank her again for being what I needed her to be.


End file.
